To expect husband to keep helping with housework until its all done in the evening and we can sit down to relax together?

[disneybee]

My husband works pretty much full time hours (but across several jobs, so not much routine at all) while I look after our two young kids at home and do most of the work for the small business we run from home. I also used to freelance from home, but stopped because childcare was costing so much. I now predominantly look after the kids, and do all the food shopping, cooking and laundry.

DH comes home from work just after the kids' teatime most days. Usually showers, eats the dinner (that I cook every day) and then helps with cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up. But there's always a point like around 8:30pm / 9pm when he announces he's "had a good blast, going to put my feet up now." and he'll put the telly on. Meanwhile I am usually still finishing stuff off, hanging up a new load of laundry, and folding / putting away the laundry that's been drying all day. I really resent this last hour or so of work when he seems to think it's fine that I am still doing housework whereas he is relaxing. Any time I bring up my resentment of this - my core deep down resentment is that he puts his own needs first, and doesn't act particularly caring or protectively of me - it turns into a massive argument about how he works all day while I get to stay at home with the kids. AIBU to be pissed off at him?? Every time the housework is finally done and I can sit down to relax and its 10pm and I have to choose between some down time, or going to bed to get enough sleep before doing it all over again? Nb our youngest is not a great sleeper so I don't often get a full night's sleep either 😑

But if you choose to take them out all day then you can’t expect your husband to do housework till 10pm. And yes, sometimes you do have to sit them in front of the tv or their toys to get things done.

You say yourself he mucks in at night, and working till 9pm in the house after working all day is more than I do!

This is why I give my kids iPads
You do sound slightly disorganised. I’m a sahm with four dcs but mine are older now and I do remember the exhaustion of when they were young. It will get easier when they’re at school so bear that in mind!
Maybe give yourself stricter parameters of when you are going to do what. Have a cut off time of 8-9pm or whatever and just don’t do anymore housework after that. It’ll wait.
Your kids do sound a bit hyper! Are you being strict enough with them? They should be able to play/watch tv for a bit whilst you get things done - don’t you have cbeebies where you live? Or Pingu, Pingu was always a winner in our house!

Not sure how 27% of the vote is saying YANBU, as all the posts seem to agree.
I worked term time only when my dc were small so had 3 of them at home for the school holidays. We'd go out every day but I wouldn't expect dh to need to do much when he got in, and certainly neither of us were doing housework until 10pm - that's ridiculous. Most stuff can be done as you do along with a 4 and 2 yr old, then one does bath and bedtime whilst the other clear up after your evening meal / completes anything that couldn't be done during the day.

Neither of you should be doing household stuff until 10pm, whether you WOTH or are SAHP.

Thank you for all the kind supportive messages 💕 also thank you for the tougher ones too, actually it's good to know I AM being unreasonable and I need to change something rather than get pissed off at my DH. Off to bed now thank you Mums xx

Absolutely ridiculous. Choose a cut off time and tools down at that time.
I don't do anything at 10 pm as I'm in bed. I work full time and I'll clean on Saturday morning. I don't care if the place is a shit tip - the thought of doing housework until 10 pm after a full day at work makes me feel sick.

Get a new tumble dryer.

I only have one DD, but when she was little when my DH came home from work and I was on maternity leave, he would put her to bed to give me a break and then we would share any outstanding chores until they were done, then we'd both sit down for a bit before collapsing into bed. If he was off with DD and I was working, when I got home we split what needed to be done.

One person puts kids to bed, the other does housework in that time- rotate each day. Both stop and relax as soon as they're in bed.

And also start insisting that they tidy and never leave the house in a mess. They are definitely not too young - maybe start a thread asking for advice on strategies to do this.

I think you sound really stressed. You need downtime in the evening too. I'm a naturally messy person and hate tidying. My top tips for reducing it:
I have "storage space" in every room and stuff gets stored in the room it most often gets used. No more traipsing round the house putting stuff away.
Kids are only allowed to get out one thing at a time and must help tidy away. So the matchbox cars can't come out until the Lego is all back in the box. We tidy toys up together in the evening - it is the start of our bedtime routine.
If I'm doing a necessary job (like lunch dishes) they can entertain themselves. Maybe mine were just easy, but I think it helps that I've never given in to "mummeeeeee" when I'm getting necessary stuff done - though they quickly learned that was a good time to ask for stuff which is normally limited (like tv time).

For your specific situation, I'd be doing work (such as tax returns) while he minds the kids either through evening/bedtime or one weekend morning. You can't feasibly concentrate on paperwork while taking care of two small children. You mind the kids while he does his paid work, he should mind them while you do yours.

Lastly, it gets much easier when both are sleeping through and even more so when one starts school so you only really have to deal with the mess of a single child at home all day.

Get a new tumble dryer that doesn’t shrink stuff.

Get an accountant, although HMRC tell you how much you owe, took me 10 minutes to find the password, log in, see how much I owed, pay.

Work smarter, not harder. I seriously cannot imagine what the hell you're doing til 10pm.

The fact you try to get them outside every day is great btw - you sound like a great mum. I think lack of sleep is probably affecting you more than you even realise. I think back to the days when mine were young and a lot of it is just a blur I was so bloody tired.
Don’t be hard on yourself!

It doesn't really sound like you do very much in the day other than a bit of meal prep and taking the kids to the park. How old are they? I can understand how nothing gets done when you have a newborn, but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like you're being terribly efficient. Your DH is coming home from work and chipping in, but he isn't unreasonable to want a little bit of downtime.

If you’re at home all day you can do these chores the next morning!

Whose idea was this hosting business?

A job shared is a job halved

It sounds like you’re taking on too many responsibilities (rather than just too much housework). I found this a great resource for dividing up responsibilities equally at home:

herestheplanbook.com/dividing-household-responsibilities

Sorry op but it doesn't sound like that much, I could list every move I make throughout the day and it would be twice as long with no chores

Could you talk to your DH about him dropping one of his jobs and you going out to work instead (so he gets to run your business and take care of the children one or two days a week instead)? It would also give you a break from being default home organiser and childcare provider. I do get where your coming from. I'm presuming your work from home business is important to your household income, but you're expected to care for small children at the same time? I'd be choosing to just go out to work under those circumstances as well!

Don't wash as many clothes. Keep a clean hoody or something similar for both of them with their coats and pop that on over whatever t shirt they have spilled their lunch on before you go out. Take off when you get home.

I know they're your precious children, and you want them to look smart but honestly there's no need for that much washing if you reuse clothes that have been worn a bit more. Are you putting clean pyjamas on them every night? Same applies to your own clothes. You need underwear socks and a tshirt every day, that's it. Towels for your own family don't need to be washed after every use either.

Let them watch TV so you can get a few things done.

Surely a bit of tv time for the children is acceptable?

You sound very stressed!! My kids are older now but I always liked to get out once a day otherwise I went mad! How about just going for it with the chores in the morning (kids can watch tv/play) and out for an hour in the afternoon. If you are back by 4, tea by 5, bath by 6. Dad does story and bed, you finish off jobs, stop by 8! Sounds easy doesn’t it Oh - and buy a tumble dryer that doesn’t shrink clothes!

I don't think you are doing your children any favours by making your every waking hour about entertaining them.

An hour's TV in the day will give you a breather, and be an example to them that Mum needs her own time. Otherwise they will just be unceasingly the centre of their own universe - and that is exhausting for a child. It also won't be helping them to develop into social and responsible adults.

Wow.
What is it that you feel needs to be done until 10pm , given that you stay at home? ( apart from your home business which you have been vague about which doesn’t help with seeing what your problem is.)
I couldn’t think of anything worse than being out for work all day then coming home to four more hours of work , instead of enjoying family life, until I’m fit to drop.
Have you thought of trying to create more time? Eg , slow cooker, taking drying out straight away and folding ( a few minutes) getting kids to tidy up their toys .
Food shopping shouldn’t be every day. You can achieve much when your toddler is napping.
If I’m honest, you sound a bit resentful that you’re at home.
My husband is retired and I work. If I came home to four more hours of work, I wouldn’t be very happy.

Do your children go to nursery/playgroup?

That would give you time on your own to get more done.

An hour's TV in the day will give you a breather, and be an example to them that Mum needs her own time. Otherwise they will just be unceasingly the centre of their own universe - and that is exhausting for a child. It also won't be helping them to develop into social and responsible adults.

Agree with this. You should let your children have some independence. They may stop hanging off your legs while you're cooking if you tell them to stop and go and play together for a while.