To expect husband to keep helping with housework until its all done in the evening and we can sit down to relax together?

[disneybee]

My husband works pretty much full time hours (but across several jobs, so not much routine at all) while I look after our two young kids at home and do most of the work for the small business we run from home. I also used to freelance from home, but stopped because childcare was costing so much. I now predominantly look after the kids, and do all the food shopping, cooking and laundry.

DH comes home from work just after the kids' teatime most days. Usually showers, eats the dinner (that I cook every day) and then helps with cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up. But there's always a point like around 8:30pm / 9pm when he announces he's "had a good blast, going to put my feet up now." and he'll put the telly on. Meanwhile I am usually still finishing stuff off, hanging up a new load of laundry, and folding / putting away the laundry that's been drying all day. I really resent this last hour or so of work when he seems to think it's fine that I am still doing housework whereas he is relaxing. Any time I bring up my resentment of this - my core deep down resentment is that he puts his own needs first, and doesn't act particularly caring or protectively of me - it turns into a massive argument about how he works all day while I get to stay at home with the kids. AIBU to be pissed off at him?? Every time the housework is finally done and I can sit down to relax and its 10pm and I have to choose between some down time, or going to bed to get enough sleep before doing it all over again? Nb our youngest is not a great sleeper so I don't often get a full night's sleep either 😑

Your day is no different to many others on here. If you are choosing to do laundry at night then it’s not a two person job.

How old are your children?

I think there are quite a few things that you could do to make your life a bit simpler... depends how full your hands are during the day and whether you can plan to do things at different times/in advance.

You do sound stressed out.

Could one of you feed/bathe/put to bed the kids whilst the other cracks on with laundry and washing up? Failing to see what takes more than an hour of each of your's time on an evening. Housework isn't worth running yourself into the ground over, especially if you have a child who isn't a great sleeper, so know you can't fully recharge every night.

I’m no neat freak but I did have 3 young kids at home and I always managed to get washing done in the day and was never doing any housework past 7.30 at night!

What do your evenings actually look like for both of you?

Something sounds very wrong and I’m completely on your DH’s side-once this is done

cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up

What else are you doing that could wait till the morning?!

Don’t you want to stop and relax at some point in the evening too?

Small hosting business. My friend runs an airbnb with two small children, when she is overwhelmed she sometimes takes all the linen and towels to a small laundrette who wash, iron and fold everything. That bill can be offset against her business. I said she ought to bung in her own bed linen and towels as well. The tumble dryer should not shrink towels. I would consider a gas tumble dryer 1/3 of the cost to run, bigger drum so less creasing and I guarantee will not shrink your stuff.

I'm another one who doesn't understand what you're doing until 10pm.

My dp and I both work and we can still get laundry etc all done and house tidy by 8pm. Okay not always perfect or immaculate but most household chores dealt with, packed lunches made, ironing done, dishwasher emptied, kids bathed etc. If you are home all day, why do you need to do household jobs until late in the evening?

If I came in from work and dp expected me to keep doing housework until 10pm when he'd been at home all day, I wouldn't be too impressed. But he also wouldn't expect that of me, if either of us have been off work we the house stuff sorted during day time.

Oh bless you op. Mine are 8 and 4 just started reception so its not a distant memory for me at all.

I think you should just try to talk to him about how you need to be supported. Sounds like you're doing brilliantly

That all sounds exhausting!

Could you just do kids' bathtime every other day, to take some of the pressure off your evenings?

Let the laundry basket fill up, stop doing so much laundry and pay for a towel service for your business. Stop being a martyr

If I came in from work and dp expected me to keep doing housework until 10pm when he'd been at home all day, I wouldn't be too impressed

Absolutely

Kids are 4 and 2. So I know it won't be this crazy for ever. Maybe once the 2yo starts sleeping through the night I will start feeling more sane during the days. I just find the more we stay home, the messier the house gets, and the whinier they get, so I do try and get out and about with them as much as possible, going to the park, walks, taking them out on their scooters etc. I guess this is what my husband probably sees as fun time compared to working in a 'real job'. But as much as I adore hanging out with my kids, I still find it tiring! x

I understand your frustration, but... he needs to stop too.
The folding can wait until morning, the dishes can wait until morning.
Sit down with him once the kids are in bed, curl up in front of the telly with a snack and a glass of something and be a couple.

^ Just catching up with new posts. Just to clarify, all hosting laundry gets outsourced to a launderette, I just do the guest towels, and tumble dry them. Just 1 load of our own laundry that I wash and hang up to air dry so it doesn't shrink

So you take them out for fun times then expect your husband who has been working all day, to do housework till 10pm?

On the days I’m working till 6pm, I come home, have a bath then collapse on the sofa. My days off are different and I do the majority of house work then. The rest of of it takes a backseat.

Hi
I know exactly what you mean. I work 3 days a week n i have a 15 month old. She is a very good baby but i still find myself feeling resentful when i am desperately running around doing the last minute laundry/ washing etc whilst not so DH has his feet up. He is hands down n does more when i kick up a fuss. He too is very busy but that last hour when he is sat n i am not, well that one annoys me.

The kids don't moan at your DH because I'm guessing he doesn't respond in the same way. It pains me to say this (because my own DH has been v irritating this evening) but take a leaf out of your husbands book.

Make switching off a priority. The world won't fall in. It might be scruffier but it won't collapse.

I'm with your DH. You are insane to be doing housework until bedtime OP!!!

Your kids sound very full on. Can they be distracted with tv now and then so you can do a few jobs?

YABU. Stop taking all day to wander thew parks with your DC. You're meant to do some housework whilst they watch TV OP! Not take a whole day over two kid's meals and a walk in the bloody park!

You need to do more in the day, cut the load, pick 3 evenings to work together, set 3 aside to put both your feet up.
Wash up after dinner, use paper plates for tea on these days.

Yes but I take them out for fun times because I am taking care of my kids, they need fresh air and exercise and time out the house each day. I could sit them in front of the telly while I do housework, but I don't think that's fair on them.

It's not always housework I am doing until late, sometimes its related to our business and recently it was both our tax returns, I do all his accounts.

I feel very much like he goes out and works, and everything else is my responsibility, making decisions, organising house and car maintenance, running the business including the admin and accounts.

And he thinks the sun shines out his bum because he does the dishes and tidies up after work, because his Dad NEVER did any housework 🙄

Pay for a laundry service. Our local laundry service does domestic collection and drop off. It’s affordable and saves me hours.

Hope you work out how to rest and recharge - you need it as much as your husband does.

Perhaps the guest towels need to go to the laundry as well? Or have more of them so you don't have to do it as often.

Sit down with your DH.

Sorry but I think you sound like a martyr, surely you can put the washing in the machine and then hang it up at some point in your day, it can't take a full hour to do that . And just be firm with your kids, they have to learn to amuse themselves for short periods of time or there is no park/cafe or whatever.