To expect husband to keep helping with housework until its all done in the evening and we can sit down to relax together?

[disneybee]

My husband works pretty much full time hours (but across several jobs, so not much routine at all) while I look after our two young kids at home and do most of the work for the small business we run from home. I also used to freelance from home, but stopped because childcare was costing so much. I now predominantly look after the kids, and do all the food shopping, cooking and laundry.

DH comes home from work just after the kids' teatime most days. Usually showers, eats the dinner (that I cook every day) and then helps with cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up. But there's always a point like around 8:30pm / 9pm when he announces he's "had a good blast, going to put my feet up now." and he'll put the telly on. Meanwhile I am usually still finishing stuff off, hanging up a new load of laundry, and folding / putting away the laundry that's been drying all day. I really resent this last hour or so of work when he seems to think it's fine that I am still doing housework whereas he is relaxing. Any time I bring up my resentment of this - my core deep down resentment is that he puts his own needs first, and doesn't act particularly caring or protectively of me - it turns into a massive argument about how he works all day while I get to stay at home with the kids. AIBU to be pissed off at him?? Every time the housework is finally done and I can sit down to relax and its 10pm and I have to choose between some down time, or going to bed to get enough sleep before doing it all over again? Nb our youngest is not a great sleeper so I don't often get a full night's sleep either 😑

I'd suggest posting in Relationships about this stuff next time. More sound advice. Fewer people queuing up to have a go at you.

The things that jumped out at me:

DH needs to NOT wind the dc up into hyperactivity as soon as he gets home. This is very unreasonable behaviour. If he wants to spend time with them he needs to quietly and calmly do bedtime, leaving you free to do something else.

Online shopping. Wasn't available when mine were little, but it would have been a life saver.

Batch cooking. It is as easy to cook double quantities as single. Freeze the extra. A slow cooker is really useful too.

Replace or fix your tumble dryer. It is madness to give house room to an appliance that you can't use.

Your 2 year old is probably sleeping badly due to being wound up before bed. An earlier, calmer bed time routine can work wonders.

You say I cook dinner while the kids literally cling on to my legs and chant MUMMY repeatedly and beg for my attention

My advice?

Have a rule that there's NO TV until 5pm and until toys are tidied away. At 4.45, ask all kids to tidy up for TV time. By 5 it should be done. Then plonk them in front of the TV for an hour while you make dinner and sort laundry. Dinner at 6.

That's what I do, and it bloody works. House is always tidy.

When my DC were 2 and 4 we lived on one pot meals cooked in the slow cooker during the week. Chuck it all in in the morning, dole it out later.
I appreciate it is difficult to cook with small children underfoot, it is best not to try.

it is difficult to cook with small children underfoot, it is best not to try

I want this in a frame on my wall!

"DH comes home and winds them up to high doe then gets annoyed when they are too hyper to immediately settle for bed, "

This is what stuck out for me.

That is really shitty behaviour but I know so many men who do this. The fun dad. (Or the fun teacher often too.)

He needs to stop doing this.

The house stuff: I just have zero clutter (be ruthless - chuck everything out unless you need it). I hoover every day, do one load of laundry and make sure the washing up is put away.

If I can be arsed with anything else, I do it. If not, meh.

Could you maybe list the jobs that need doing on an evening and how long they take and other posters could maybe give you some help.

10pm is late to be doing laundry and I saw you say it would overflow if you didn't do it it daily, maybe there's ways of reducing that such as wearing things more than once.

Start teaching the children to do their bit too. Like a pp, I also used to work in daycare and fully agree that the toddlers are capable of being guided into putting things into their place.

TV and screens are not the devil, in moderation it can enhance some things. Plonking them in front of it for several hours a day isn't good but I think fifteen mins or half an hour while you do a few bits and bobs is fine and your outdoors time doesn't need to be reduced.

Cooking. We use the slow cooker and instant pot a lot, reduces the amount of dishes to do and you chuck shit on the morning and go about your day.

I don't think your husband should be doing housework at 10pm after being at work all day but equally, neither should you.

And please don't feel this is all your fault OP. It's not. You're struggling and your husband is making your life harder not easier.

Mine cooks every day and does the washing up, as well as plenty of other jobs around the house. But those two are his because I hate doing them. If he didn't, I'd be lost.

I don't have any advice, just sympathy. I clean my house once a year, just before Xmas (it takes over a week), I haven't watched TV since 2006 and I don't even have any kids.

I do achieve things, I'm a business owner and an author but how anyone maintains a tidy house year-round with rugrats clinging to their ankles and screeching is beyond my comprehension. Wishing you patience and strength.

I agree with others, as long as they're somewhere safe popping them in front of the telly or with some toys just for a bit whilst you do some housework during the day is fine. Part of the joy of having more than one child is that they will hopefully learn to play together. I would be annoyed too if I was coming home and then expected to work until 10pm; not because I thought the person at home wasn't doing anything during the day, just because everyone needs down time. Including you.

YABU doing housework until 10Pm and you know it.

It would about me, too... But I don't think that necessarily means you're not being unreasonable.

Have you tried something like The Organised Mum Method (via Instagram)? It helped me loads to keep my house in order, whilst not being a martyr and burning myself out - and my husband took some jobs from the rota as his own too, which stops the resentment building up. It might be worth a look?

Sending sympathy. I'm not great at being organised and I know what you mean about getting out of the house to minimise the destruction kids cause when you're at home all day.

That said, there's plenty I leave for the next day and I'm never still going at 10pm! If things don't all get done in a day, so what? Give yourself a break.

FWIW, my suggestion... kids love to help - make the most of it while you can! There are lots of things you could be doing with the children with regard to tidying. The kids are old enough to put their toys away and there are lots of ways to make that into a game of itself (let's race / one finds all the cars, the other all the Lego/ one does all the blue toys, one does all the yellow toys/ one does hard toys, one does stuffed animals etc)

My 2yo has a toy hoover and will push this around while I do the actual hoovering so he feels like he is helping. Could you get something like that for yours?

Agree with the suggestions of batch cooking, but also think about simple meals your kids could help with. If I'm tired, I'll have egg on toast for tea. 2yo dons his chef hat and apron, puts the bread in the toaster, I'll crack the eggs, we both have a turn stirring, 2yo has a go at buttering the bread (which I then "finish off"), and he is proud as punch at being such a good chef. Not the most exciting meal, but it's fine for a midweek tea once in a while! Are there any other low key meals you wouldn't mind the kids helping with?

Most kids I know love sweeping or dusting or cleaning the windows, so give them a duster and put on some music and do it together. You might have to do it all again once they are in bed, but at least while they are doing it, they aren't upturning another box of toys over the floor. Or it might be something they can do while you cook to keep them occupied.

I also keep a supply of blank cards in the kitchen and if DC is getting underfoot, I get him to draw/make a card. Could you suggest they make a card for daddy/grandma/the neighbour etc while you cook? If your kitchen is big enough for a little table, they can do it in the kitchen which will still allow them to say mummymummymummy, but they will be more occupied and less underfoot.

Let the kids help with laundry (they can help separate darks and whites, they can set the dial, they can push the button). Never too young to learn!

Also agree with previous posts regarding getting a new tumble dryer. Also, do you have a dishwasher or are you washing up by hand? If you don't have a dishwasher, would getting one be a possibility?

Also agree with @endofthelinefinally with regard to toddler bedtime routine.

Good luck @disneybee, I hope you can find a better balance soon.

Nothing you've described is particularly different to any other household though! You sound like hard work. If your DH can cook without the kids hanging off him you can too. You need to stop using the kids as an excuse not to get more done in the day. Hanging out one load of washing doesn't take very long! Not sure how you're making such a meal out of everyday tasks.

It's ok to stick CBeebies on or whatever for a bit whilst you get some stuff done. They won't die.

You need a new tumble dryer and clothes that can be tumble dried.
I can’t remember my children being this much work (working/studying single parent). But children seem to be so much work nowadays.
I don’t think it does them much good either.

You need a new tumble dryer. It'll change your life. I had three under 3.5 and the tumble dryer was a god send. Depending in where the clothes came from I'd buy a size nicer to allow for shrinkage but to be honest it was never much of a problem. You're making way too much unnecessary work for yourself.

God sake, *size bigger

sleepyinsussex - oh my goodness, you are me! And thank you for taking the time to write such a compassionate and understanding post to the OP.

I think he needs to be allowed some down time as even though you are working too, you are home based.
I do think it sounds like you Need to be a bit more organised during the day.
I work from home with children too and do two loads of washing a day, but during the day., hoovering ect gets done during the day and the only thing that needs doing after cooking dinner is bathing and tidying the kitchen. Maybe you and your husband could take it in turns to 1 bath the children and the other tidy the kitchen. Next day you swap around and so on. X

Do you have a garden OP?

If so, they can go and play outside for a bit, which cuts out the travelling time to and from the park or where ever you go each day.

They do need to learn to entertain themselves a bit. Do they play together? If you aren't keen on sitting them down in front of the tv, encourage them to sit together and play with lego or something like that. Of course a 2 year old needs more supervising than your 4 year old. Or let your older dc sit and play and if your 2 year old is hanging around you, at least they aren't winding each other up for Mummys attention whilst you are cooking and doing the day to day stuff.

This is normal though life though. I can't blame your dh for getting annoyed that he doesn't want to be doing chores until 10pm either. You have chosen to do it this way, it doesn't need to be this way at all.

In our house it's the 12yo who winds his 4yo sister up with exciting play and he gets short shrift when it's not a good moment. An adult should know better, frankly. That needs sorting.

This view will prob be controversial, but I think good-quality children's TV is an actively good thing, in moderation. Some of what's out there (by no means all) is actually art. Wonderful works of imagination. Perhaps choose some good DVDs. Go back to the 70s and 80s too. Bagpuss, Pigeon Street, Mr Benn.

It's a horrible trap you're in due to the prohibitive cost of childcare, which presumably your small business won't stretch to cover. From personal experience I get the strain of weaving work around childcare rather than having clear 'work' and 'home' zones. I don't think your dh is unreasonable to want to knock off, after he's pitched in. Like many men, he's just better at prioritising his needs than many women are. I think picking the lowest-impact things to leave be is a good solution.

Maybe set the children an activity up at the table while you cook dinner.
I agree with getting them out every day. It's good for them.
Maybe if you could afford it get a cleaner too, to help keep on top of things. X

No way I’d be doing housework until 10 when I’m out working all day. I work full time and DH is retired. We have a 12 year old in school. DH does everything in the week and I help out at weekends.
You need to stop constantly entertaining your children. You will never get a bit of peace until you do. They won’t learn to be bored and entertain themselves. You’re being a martyr and completely unreasonable

I have children with SEND & I need a daily structure otherwise it'll descend into chaos quickly. I have to be flexible too depending on which child needs my attention more.

I put the laundry on a delayed wash to start at 7am. Ready to hang out mid morning and can be folded away by tea time.

Dinner is a slow cooker meal or a batch cooked meal from the freezer or quick stir fry

On line shopping order. I buy chopped, frozen veg and onions so prep time & food waste is reduced.

I wash dishes as I go during the day as it saves a pile up in the evening

I print off visual timetables for my kids so they have know what they need to do for the day & for chores

Basket by the stairs to be filled with stuff that belongs upstairs once full. Then vice versa.

I always take something to or do/tidy something in the room I'm in so jobs don't pile up.