To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

Let her be late and reap the consequences. Steep lesson to learn.

Wow I could have age wrote this post! The only difference is mine is a boy. Sorry I have no useful advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone! 😂

Let her be late. At her age teachers do expect kids to set their own alarms at least

My child is 10 so no doubt I will end up like yourself but I think in your situation I would make her sort bag, lunch, clothes shoes, jacket all the night before. I would remind her about lunch and if she forgets anything else she can deal with it herself.

Leave her to get herself to school. She'll only do it once.

Boy, year 9. He has an alarm, always sleeps through it after being previously up at 6am every day. Doesn't make his own lunch so end up topping up his card.
Normally I'm up at 6 so this is all OK because I'll get him up but I'm off for bereavement and not setting my own alarm and he's had some near misses.
He's my youngest and I don't need to drive him to school so it's nowhere near as stressful, I don't have any advice, it's just sheer luck I've woken by half 7 on the days he's slept through

He's in bed by 10 and not allowed his phone in his room, just seems as he hits this teen age his requirement for sleep is huge. He can do 13 hours straight at the weekend!

I could have written this two years ago, she'll learn. Now mine cut it fine but they have never been late - just.

If she needs to pay for lunch let her pay it herself?

I have this problem also, mine also doesnt get bag ready or pe kit ready and I often have to dress my dc as well.

Sending a 🤗

No ideas on how to stop it as dc doesnt care and nothing I try works.

My suggestion would be not to drop it all on them at once. Then we're very awful and mean and god I hate you and it's your fault blah blah blah.

Drop one thing. E.g. The bag and let them explain the homework missing etc.

Habits take a while to form, teens are still going through brain development. Work on one thing, let it settle and go to the next once good habits are forming.

Worked for us and much more peaceful for the younger ones.

Why are you taking her to school? Surely she is old enough to make her own way there?

But her an alarm clock op and put it away from the bed so she has to get up to switch it off. She needs to pack her school bag and make her lunch the night before (don’t let her have her phone/screens until she’s done it). If she’s not ready when it’s time to leave in the morning go without her and let her face the consequences at school.

She won’t learn independence if you keep doing everything for her.

My DD is in Y8. I wake her up once, then shout up the stairs to get a move on. I make her lunch the night before and get her breakfast ready. She's generally ready to leave the house on time(ish).

I guess I do a lot for her (maybe most 12/13yo are making their own breakfast and lunch?) but given that I'm sometimes impatient and a bit shouty with her, I kid myself that this goes some way to giving her some nice memories of her childhood.

My ds is 17. Still pretty much the same except i don't care if he's late as I no longer take him anywhere. But trying to get him up is getting harder not easier.

My 7 yo makes her own packed lunch.
She does it the night before.
They must be dressed to teeth before they come down.
Do you walk her to school?

I think you need to up your expectations.

Get her to prep everything the night before, especially bag and lunch.
Get her an alarm clock.

How does she get to school?

I’d start standing over her to do her lunch the night before or take the money for lunch out of her pocket money and then the rest of it just let her reap the consequences of being late or disorganised. Maybe help her write out a little time table of what she needs to do each morning and by what time so she doesn’t feel completely abandoned into doing everything herself

Pay it herself with what @Ellmau? She is 12, not got a part time job! Besides, even if she did have a cash allowance or savings, it's a cashless school so it would still take me precious time to transfer money from my own account over.

I’d cut a year 8 pupil a little slack, they are only 12/13. Year 9 onwards I wouldn’t be so lenient though.

All I will do now is one wake up call and turning the lights on in the bedroom. I found I was getting too much attitude and complaining/grumblingwith the repeated wake ups. After DS (also Y8) got out of bed with literally 5 minutes to catch the bus just before Christmas things have vastly improved... 😂

Y9. I'd let her be late. Remind the night before about getting stuff ready and making lunch. Does she have a key to let herself out and lock up?
My DS was always last minute at primary but as soon as he went to high school he's never late - the fear of being late for his friends and having to walk in alone or worse still face the wrath of his form tutor is enough to get him moving. I don't do anything other than wake him up and occasionally shout upstairs if he's not out of bed.

Get her to do lunch and sort bag the night before

Every time you have to pay for school lunch because she hasn’t bothered to make it deduct it from her allowance

Let her have detentions for forgotten homework and kit

Let her make her own way to school either all the time or whenever she isn’t ready when you need to leave.

She needs some natural consequences. At the moment she has no incentive to sort herself out because you’re doing it for her.

I have 2 DDs. DD1 needed much more help from me. Now 19 and at uni she often misses 9am lectures but she has to learn. DD2 15 is far more capable and is up before me, makes her own breakfast (has gone for years now) and this year(yr11) makes her own lunch. So I think it’s more about character than age. Show her how to make her lunch the night before, let her be late if need be. Easier said than done.

Pretty much the same here!

DC was taking himself off to school in yr 7 and locking up the house (I was at work for 7am).

I'd wake her once.. she can go hungry if she forgets food.