To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

'Everything ready the night before' is such a useful habit to get into. It'll be of lifelong benefit.

When there are discussions about lateness on MN, how often do people say 'I'm always late because I have to find something to wear/look for my keys/shoes/whatever'?

When I’m on nights on school days I get in just in time to take DDs to school and my mum or PIL follow the same routine. DH leaves between 5.30 and 7, so sometimes wakes them before he leaves.

Pretty typical, but stepping back does help - especially as you have younger ones that need more help.
"I'll give you one call in the morning. If you don't wake up I will leave you to get out by yourself. If you don't have a lunch ready you will have to go without." (Don't put money on her account if the expectation is to make her own lunch).
Stick to your guns, don't make a big deal of it but do praise her for succeeding. Tell her how responsible she's getting etc.

@Lipperfromchipper but the person you were replying to @JaniceBattersby didn't say that she lay around in bed while her three year old fended for themselves - she said:

My 9, 7, 5 and 3 year olds all get their own breakfast cereal.

Agree get everything as ready as possible the night before. My daughter knows she has to make her lunch the night before and lay her uniform out. If you are ready to go then leave and let her post the key back. If she's late tough. The school won't blame you.
If she's too tired to get up send her to bed earlier.

Bartlet if that is aimed at me, be sure I have plenty of other things in my life besides caring for my children. Being a solicitor and working more or less full time being one of them.

Its a divisive subject, suffice to say I am happy with my balance of caring for my DC and encouraging independence.

This expectation that teenagers are unable to organise themselves is a self fulfilling prophecy. I’ve got two brothers who are useless manchildren who are incapable of being proper adults because my mum did things for them. She wanted to, in the words of one pp, ensure that they always wanted to come back as an adult. Bleurgh.

My kids (both high school anf primary) get one wake up when I am up and heading downstairs.

I do usually make their lunches while my coffee is brewing. They get a sandwich, if they want something else they have to do it themselves.

Clean uniforms are all in their cupboards at the start of the week and they shower in the evenings.

They have never been late but they are both like me and enjoy a quality morning/time buffer.

I have this with D's (year 9) but he has ADHD and poor concept of time. If I didn't hurry and help organise it would be chaos and they get behaviour points

Bartlett there is more than one way to skin cat, but making your DC feel welcome and loved at home by your actions is one way to ensure they want to spend time with you as adults. Its not about making man children as my DS's are certainly not.

I suspect your revulsion is deeper seated than parents making their DC's lunch etc

This expectation that teenagers are unable to organise themselves is a self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm constantly amazed at the low expectations some people on MN seem to have of teenagers and young adults generally.

Lipper I’m not sitting in bed watching Lorraine, I’m standing in the kitchen doing the washing up or putting a wash on or sometimes sitting at the table with them.

Getting a bowl and a spoon from the cupboard, choosing which cereal they want from the shelf then pouring on the milk from the jug before putting their empty bowls on the side might well be neglect in your book. In mine, it’s giving them some insight into making their own decisions, pitching in and learning that tidying is a part of every day life.

My nine year old also does the washing up on a Saturday after tea. You’d better call social services.

Let her be late and hungry! From age 5 I got myself up, made my own breakfast, often made my own lunch, occasionally my sister helped, got myself dressed and walked or rode myself 7kms to school. I was perfectly capable of it. If I was late or didn’t make food it was my fault but it didn’t kill me.

Tell her she has to get to school herself now. Show her how to make her lunch and get her bag ready the day before. Let her forget pe kit etc. My ds has been doing all this since year 7.

You can feel make them feel loved and welcome without infantilising teenagers.

And I have no issues with my family. I love them all very much and we’re close. They are both fabulous funny, charming men but I can see very clearly how their upbringing has made them deficient at adulting.

Year 8 I was getting myself up, and getting the bus to school. My mum wasn’t involved at all. She worked (late) evenings and was still in bed when I left.

P.s my 4&6 year olds make their own breakfast every day.

@FunnysInLaJardin - my son made his breakfast from age 4. As soon as he started picking and pouring everything for himself he also started eating more of it without battles.

Note that at 7 we still sit and eat breakfast together, but he does every bit of prep himself. He is happy, we have no battles and both eat well. It is also easier now, unlike when he was 4 and doing it himself took twice as long as me doing it for him.

He also is responsible for making sure his school reader, water bottle and fruit are in his bag. All I check the night before is whether he has clean school uniform.

Wow, I'm still in bed when DD leaves for school Y7.
She's responsible for herself, I bought her an alarm, she has easy breakfasts and easy to prepare lunches, feeds the pets, brings the milk in. She has her own keys and off she goes.
There's no way I'd be doing what you are OP.

I was like your daughter, my mum could have written your post; I could have written your post about my son.

We both did alright in the end! As will your daughter.

Do stop doing everything for her including trying to get her up, she's old enough to take responsibility for herself and will learn to cope with being told off.

@JaniceBattersby but you didn’t say that you opted to leave out the fact that you were indeed with them so of course it sounds like you are NOT there!!

Getting a bowl and a spoon from the cupboard, choosing which cereal they want from the shelf then pouring on the milk from the jug before putting their empty bowls on the side
AGAIN why would you choose to leave out that information??!! That is a completely different picture to My 9, 7, 5 and 3 year olds all get their own breakfast cereal

I mean I get the cereal from the larder and pop it on the table with a jug of milk too and my dc help themselves...nothing wrong with that...but I don’t class that as “getting their own breakfast” either!!

I have a y8 and a y10, they go in fits and starts but 99% reliable at getting themselves sorted. We all cock up from time to time and so if one suddenly needs a shirt ironing or needs a lift to the bus stop I don't make a big deal of it. Sometimes I leave before them and sometimes they leave before me depending on what I have on at work so they have to be fairly self sufficient.

AGAIN why would you choose to leave out that information??!! That is a completely different picture to My 9, 7, 5 and 3 year olds all get their own breakfast cereal*

I don't think it's a completely different picture. It takes a flight of imagination to come to the conclusion that @JaniceBattersby means that she lays in bed all day and leaves them to raise themselves!

I check my teenagers are awake at 7am. One is virtually always awake and the other has recently started setting an alarm for ten to!

But before that, I would go in, give them a wake up hug if required, open curtain, open window a little and turn on the light. I then go downstairs to make coffee for me and start breakfast (older child needs help with this due to additional needs).

One showers before breakfast and the other after, so I know quite quickly if something is wrong and I can deal with it.

I would start with one thing at a time. If she's struggling to be organised overwhelming her with everything she 'ought to be capable of' will be too much.