To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

I remember my brother being like this. My mom threatened to take him to school in his pjs and he'd get changed in the classroom!
It worked.

Hi alarm clock was away from the bed and went off every five mins. So he had to get out of bed to silence the really really loud alarm. Mom made his lunch the night before. She made sure bags were packed the night before too, and everything needed for the next day.
He's still difficult now to get up, although not when he's woken by the fire bell- he's a full time firefighter.

Good luck x

That is still me except dd is AT UNIVERSITY! (She lives with me) I also make her tea (in travel mug) and give her a lift. Yes I'm crazy! She has one more term of a cushy life before she lives with her dad who won't babe as accommodating

If I didn't do her lunch etc, she'd rush about like a blue arsed fly and be late every day for work.
That is ridiculous at 35. If she can't cope in the mornings she needs to do everything the night before and get a better alarm and make lists of what she needs.
She would have to manage if she lived away from home.

OP this sounds like AD(H)D Inattentive. Look up the symptoms in girls as they are different to boys and girls get missed for far to long. If you think it might be ask your daughter how she feels about it. She sounds just like my daughter who is 16 and we''ve struggled along so long. We're in the process of getting a diagnosis. (She has younger siblings who I dont need our help like she does) Classic symptom is not being aware of consequences, not learning from mistakes.

Really? To me it sounds like someone who knows full well she’ll never face the consequences, because Mum is right there filling in the gaps.
Op even waits on the street for her to finish fannying around instead of leaving her to follow on behind when she’s got herself together. What incentive is there for her to do it any differently?
Diagnosing conditions over the Internet to explain the actions of a pampered 12 year old is a bit OTT?!

My teen DS insists he doesn't have time for breakfast and is not really a morning person anyway so would prefer not to eat any.

If I make him breakfast, he miraculously has time and is fine to eat in the morning.

I suspect OP's DC is also more of the "won't" than the "can't" variety.

My dd is the same age. I'm often only just awake to be aware of her shouting see ya on her way out the door.
Warn her that she is going to have to get a grip in the mornings. Tell her you will shout her up once and after that it's up to her. If she's late then she will have a detention or whatever the school rule is. If she forgets something she will have to deal with that too.
You are enabling this behaviour and allowing it to continue. Not doing her any favours at all.

Mornings were transformed for us when I realised that DD2 was just like me.

I don't like any human interaction first thing. I like silence. I like being left alone to do things in my own way and without others getting under my feet (DTwatCats excluded, although the daily launching at my shoelaces as I'm attempting to tie them is right up to the very limit of reasonable human tolerance before 6am).

Once I told her I was going to try giving her the same as I wanted, but that the consequence of that was that if she was late/forgot things/got into trouble, it was her choice, 11 years of stress disappeared overnight. She wanted the responsibility/control. She wanted to be left alone and independent. and she thrived on it.

There was an emergency credit of food/snack money on her account each month and it was up to her to tell me if it was getting low or that she needed to make something to take. Because her bus stop was directly opposite a café, she had the option of buying a bacon roll in the morning if she was in too much of a hurry to sit with cereal or didn't fancy it.

It was the smartest decision I made for her.

And yes, the reason why 13 year olds get detentions is because it's their responsibility to get themselves up, dressed correctly, fully equipped and on buses/down the road in good time to get into school before registration. Year 7 get a tiny bit more leeway for the first term, but after that, no, it's time to start looking after yourself and the consequences start being applied as consistently as they are for everybody else.

My dd has had to take responsibility for getting herself sorted and to school independently since starting secondary. She sets her alarm, gets up showered, dressed, breakfast, puts dishes away, packs her school bag. I make her a sandwich and she puts the other bits of food in to take.

She walks to school and has a key to let herself in at the end of the day as she gets home before me.

She's done this since year 7.

This isn't about me feeling smug but more to point out they can do it and it's not unreasonable to expect some independence at this age.

at the 35yo DD still being parented in the mornings!

I have no advice but I would like to say she sounds like me as a teenager. Thankfully I am the complete opposite now and an extremely organised and punctual person 🤣

35 year old! I can sort of understand that if you are making a lunch for yourself, it’s easy enough to make herself one as well, and I can kinda understand you shouting at her to get up.

However, at 35, she should be fully responsible for her work stuff organised etc, and making her own lunch if you don’t need a pack lunch. At this age, she shouldn’t be relying on you to do things - it’s nice to do it if you have the time etc, but it shouldn’t be a necessity.

74NewStreet diagnosing pampering is based on what?

This isn't about me feeling smug but more to point out they can do it and it's not unreasonable to expect some independence at this age. No they can't all do it for a variety of reasons.

This is our 12 year old, my husband and mum wake her up after I've left for my morning job, our 15 year old can be a pain.

This isn't about me feeling smug but more to point out they can do it and it's not unreasonable to expect some independence at this age. You can't generalise like that. They can't all do it.

Well my dd has some SENs herself, doesn't find being organised particularly easy, is a typical teen in that she needs lots of prompting in general to do anything.

So if she can independently organise herself and get herself out the door in time for school then yes any NT child can do it imo.