To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

Bag and lunch sorted the evening before and uniform laid out. Buy her a sunlight alarm clock which wakes a person up gradually in a non jarring way. My dd finds getting up much easier and is fully awake y the time the alarm rings.

Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.

No, you do not HAVE to add money on to her account. You simply tell her that this won't be happening anymore. She will very quickly learn to make herself some sandwiches before school.

I would tell her to do it the night before, rather than the morning of. Maybe she could do it straight after dinner. After a few goes of you pushing her to do it you should hopefully be able to leave her to it. She will still forget to do it on occasion but we are all human. I still occasionally forget things like this.

Ooh, I feel bad, I make my 12 yr old go to bed at 8.30, might need to up his bedtime!

I have 3 kids, 16, 12 and 9. All get up by themselves, all get dressed, sort breakfast (I sometimes make something for all of us, pancakes, scrambled egg etc), bags and musical instruments by the door, all 100% ready for school, THEN if there's time they can play on the iPad, but only if it's all done. It's always all done 😂. (They don't get computers in the evening so there is a great incentive).

Have you tried a reward idea OP?

Things that helped my sons, now almost 17 and 14.

-Alarm across their room so they have to get out of bed, once out you stay out, (Ds1 immediately into shower, Ds2 gets into my bed but not laid down, catches up on news and Reddit with me.) If the alarm is too soft then they change the tone to something that will wake them.

-Check list for both evening (unpack bag, make note of homework) and mornings (PE kit, tub for tech)

-Timetable up on noticeboard in their rooms for bag packing, plus back of the front door for last minute check

-Key attached to long piece of elastic, attached to inside of their bag, cannot be lost.

I never understand the whole I go back to their room four times to wake them, I wouldn't leave the doorway until they were out of bed. And if she wants to walk with you she leaves at the right time.

My Y6 dd has to get herself ready in the morning two days a week as I leave for work at 7am. I make sure she’s awake and not unwell as I leave and that’s it. Her older sister is here but doesn’t help her to get ready. She manages to get ready and get the school bus on time. My Y9 dd has been getting ready independently since she started secondary school (before my shifts changed to the early ones).

I’d definitely be making sure she had packed up and made lunch the night before. Then I’d just do one wake up call and leave her to it. Can she get to school without you? If she can walk or get a bus I’d do that if she’s too late for a lift. If she isn’t able to get there alone but isn’t ready I’d take her siblings to school then go back for her and take her late. Explain to the teacher and they might be able to support you.

OP could she be undiagnosed asd? Struggling with executive functioning like this is a big indicator in girls who otherwise appear to be bright and coping in school. Look up symptoms of autism in girls. She could be struggling for a reason.

@SnowsInWater so glad you are better! Hope it stays that way 🤲🏼

Since DS went into Yr 7 he has had to get himself up using his alarm (slept in approx 4 times in 2.5 years). Gets himself ready, showered, breakfast and PE kit.
They should be taught this independence from primary school age.
My yr 4 daughter makes her own breakfast

It sounds like your daughter is just one of those kids to whom organisation doesn't come naturally. Children are different and it's a myth that they need you less as they get older. They just need you differently. I think you should start working on getting her to prepare the night before, but understand that you will have to support her to do this for at least a couple of months until it becomes habitual. These kinds of skills will come late to some kids, and it will be baby steps for you, but I think it will be worth the effort to make mornings easier and teach your daughter some life skills.

For comparison, I had to wake up my oldest until he went off to uni, and I helped him pack his bag every night until he was 16. My youngest (12) walks out of the house without his backpack if I'm not by the door to point it out, though he hates to be late and gets up and ready quickly. He also loses approximately one item of games kit per week. My middle son has to be dragged grumpy out of bed every morning, but has never needed help managing his school bags or work and has never lost so much as a sock.

Kids are different and you have take their development one small step at a time.

I don't even have to help my 6 year old that much.

Let her be late.

Year 7 boy. Very messy and loses things constantly, but is brilliant in the morning. Gets himself up (he is up first), dressed, makes his own breakfast, brushes teeth and does hair. He is usually sitting in his coat when I come downstairs as he leaves early for his school coach.

Not perfect by any means - pyjamas left on the floor, bed not made.

After Christmas of Year 6 mine were getting up and going to school by themselves. So by Year 7 I had none of this you describe sorry. If you carry on then so will they and then you have to do it with adults.
Sit down with them and make a plan, maybe to start after half term. Packed lunches done the night before from a supply of set items, bag packed, uniform hung up. In the morning it’s on, bathroom, ideally breakfast and out. I find they suddenly find new impetus to get out if walking with a friend. Could this work? Tell them it’s all part of being older. Don’t walk her to school and just sort the others out. Natural consequences at school should provide some incentives. Oh and an annoying alarm clock on the other side of the bedroom! Good luck x

My daughter is almost 35 and lives with us. I STILL have to call her to get up for work and I still make her packed lunch, and have to remind her to take things she needs to work etc!

but I am not pouring cereal and milk into a bowl for a teenager.

this really made me laugh.
Do people really do this for any child older than pre-school? I can't imagine!

It is interesting that quite a few of the posters who say that their kids do x, y or z in the mornings, then mention that the kids are primary school age. Mine were VERY different aged 10/11 to age 14/15

I would just like to point out, having 3 teens, that teens ARE different, and they DO HAVE recognised issues around sleep patterns, especially mornings. Some cope better than others, and some are obviously enjoying using mum as an alarm clock, but as long as they are independent and pulling their weight at other moments, I really can't get all over excited about needing to give teens a shove or two in the morning.
I was the same. I am sure many of you were.
And no kid is the same. One of mine is super self sufficient and organised in the mornings. In fact last week when dh was away, and I had to walk the dog before work, she got the older ones up! But she struggles more with organising her homework, I never had to have any input into homework with her older brother and sister, and it is a shock to the system to find she needs me to help her several nights per week.

It is all about balance.

Wilkie. Why on earth are you still babying an adult in their 30s?

Bartlet- I know. It IS ridiculous. DD is lovely, a wonderful daughter in every way, just that she has real problems getting up in the mornings. If I didn't do her lunch etc, she'd rush about like a blue arsed fly and be late every day for work. I' ve always done it since she was a child so I just never stopped. Not much trouble, I'm always up anyway so I indulge her with this. But I know it's probably a bit silly. She does a lot of stuff for me in the house otherwise.

Has she got special needs? Otherwise there is something dysfunctional about your relationship that you have allowed this dynamic to continue for so long. Why is she still living at home and why do you think that she is so hopeless at basic adult tasks?

If she is able to hold down a job then surely she should be able to get herself up and make her lunch?

Dropping it all would probably be unfair and she is still pretty young.
I’d establish an iron clad routine, write it down, laminate on the wall, ensure dad is on board.
Things like-
Bag packed
Homework completed
Clothes set out
Alarm set

I would also consider on the lunch point that she might not want packed lunches... do all her friends go to the canteen? Could you afford for her to have school lunches?

Once you have an agreed routine I would leave the actual getting to school but up to her as you know she is set up each day to be able to successfully manage it.

Wilkie, my DiL managed to get to her 30s without ever using an alarm by having jobs that started later in the day.
If she'd lived with her mum, probably she'd have relied on her as your DD does.
As mum wasn't handy, tho, DiL just had to get an alarm and get used to sorting herself out when she needed to get a job with more usual hours.

I'm sure your DD could take responsibility for herself too, if you weren't babying her.

Bartlet and Happityhap, I' m sure the situation sounds a lot worse or more weird than it is. We certainly don't have a "dysfunctional relationship" as Bartlet suggests and no, my daughter does not have special needs. In fact she has a degree and works for a law firm. Getting up in the mornings is her one difficulty - she sleeps like a log and doesn't even hear her alarm sometimes. So I give her a hand by making her lunch to save her a job. She is perfectly capable of all adult tasks and makes up for my few minutes making her lunches by doing many things to help me and her dad out, cooking meals, and stuff about the house. So I really don't mind. She is living at home due to circumstances and convenience and we are all perfectly happy with that arrangement and are a close family. I assure you that she has her own life outside of home, goes on holidays and is happily independent, except for sharing the house with us. Not that I actually need to defend that issue and Bartlet, I slightly resent your asking "Why is she living at home?" as if that means there's something wrong with her/us.

Let her be late now. Don't wait for year 9. My 10 year olds in year 5 get up on their own and to all the rest. My year 8 ds - wakes on his own, makes his breakfast and gets ready. Set some boundaries and stick to them. A couple of detentions will more than likely stop it. This sounds stressful for all of you and she is being very inconsiderate. A little less pampering and a little more straight talk, perhaps?

A key safe outside the house will prevent the key loss problem.
My DD has always been good at getting up when needed,she likes very long showers in the morning.
She sorted breakfast at primary school as she was ready to eat before I was ready to get it.
Bags and clothes sorted out the night before.She did her lunch mostly in the evening too and got very good when I offered her the money instead of money for dinners in her account where I left a small amount for emergencies.

I agree with Urkiddingright

"I’d cut a year 8 pupil a little slack, they are only 12/13. Year 9 onwards I wouldn’t be so lenient though."

My son is also year 8 but I don't nag or threat. We sit down and make a plan if there's anything I'd like him to do. The plan includes ideas to help hi. Be successful in what I want him to achieve. I ask dor his input and ideas then we try them out and tweak the.. We make a joke of epic fails on both sides as I'm not perfect. When he succeeds on any part of the plan I praise it highly and build on success. I've never had any real problems this way but saying that I aslo train dogs and use a lot of the same psychology. Praise what you want repeated. Acknowledge what didn't go well and why and try a slightly different way emphasising the benefits. Year 9 I'll have higher expectations but year 8 hormones are starting run riot and they have to get to grips with puberty too. Your only a child for a short while and a.long time an adult. Prep as much the day before and morning will be a doddle. I find being a tickle machine is a much nice wake up than trying to nag them up. Everyone is then happy even if a little rushed.

Everything she can do to prep the night before she does BEFORE she’s allowed to do anything “fun”.

Multiple alarms of the loudest most startling kind on whatever she uses as an alarm clock (which is what?) I’d be tempted to get her old style double bell and/or radio alarm and it is placed so she has to physically get out of bed to turn it off.

Then...let her get on with it! Let her be late a few times and suffer the consequences. She’ll soon realise it’s not worth the hassle!

“Problem is we generally take it in turns to work evenings and it's hard to keep a routine going because of miscommunication” sorry but that’s a poor excuse, she needs lunch EVERY SCHOOL DAY, she needs uniform EVERY SCHOOL DAY, she needs her bag ready EVERY SCHOOL DAY

You could have a wall planner up in the kitchen and mark on it PE days and similar - each person has their own colour.

Also how old are your younger ones? Because if they’re junior school age+ they should be starting to do stuff to enable their independence too.

It’s best done as a gradual thing - not left until they’re “old enough” to “be independent”

I raised dd pretty much alone since she was 2, she’s been doing stuff for herself since then. Initially small “chores” like putting toys away, putting dirty laundry in hamper but as she aged up her responsibilities increased.

She turns 19 next month (well in a couple weeks actually) and is now in her own flat, works full time (shifts).

She’s been astounded since about the age of 12/13 at how little her peers do and how completely molly coddled some of them are - at this age (18/19) there’s even a few who STILL aren’t “allowed” to use a kettle or frying pan in case they hurt themselves! Ridiculous!

She’s more than old enough to get herself up and ready op.

“Dd isn't keen on sandwiches and takes a Thermos flask” sandwiches aren’t the only cold lunch she could take. Does she like wraps/pita/bagels, pasta/cous cous/rice/noodle salad, falafel, crackers/crispbeads/rice cakes with cheese/pate/spreads, quiche, pork pies, sausage rolls, Scotch eggs, mini cocktail sausages, savoury tarts...

LOADS of cold things she could have for packed lunch that aren’t “sandwiches”

Lost key - get her one of those coiled cord key rings then attach it to the zip on the pocket inside her bag or the metal attachments on the handles so she can use the key WITHOUT detaching it from the bag. That’s what I did with my dd with similar problem (the key was actually usually in her bag she just had trouble finding it amongst all the debris!)

Although a key safe is a good option too. I’m fascinated by these new “digital” doors (I dread to think what they cost!) where you can lock and unlock your house using your phone! The costs will come down I’m sure and they’ll become a normality but at the moment it still very much feels a “tomorrows world” thing (geez how old does THAT make me sound!! 😂)

Take action now. It is a part of growing up. Her responsibly to get up in the morning and get herself dressed and organized. If you are making lunch boxes for the other children then you should make hers. Don't wait give her a ten minuit warning then leave. Stop letting her rule you