To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

I think she needs to be doing it herself, and if she forgets her PE kit, or lunch then she needs to deal with that problem too (and not by ringing you to drop them off which you should refuse to do.) One day of missing lunch by her own hand will not kill her.

If you feel you need: want to, ring the school and explain that you're taking a stand. I'm postive that they will understand; secondary schools always want students to be more independent, problem solving and taking responsibility.

As much as possible should be done the night before, especially sorting packed lunch and packing a bag.

Can you tell us her age. I’m in Scotland so Year 8 means nothing to me. Is she13?

My year 7 definitely still needs a bit of help.

Own alarm set for 7am, arrives downstairs about half an hour later.
I am already in the kitchen - I put toast in the toaster so it pops up at the moment she arrives, and I also make up the packed lunch.
She will usually go and put on her shoes and coat and fill her water bottle herself, but if she was a bit slower eating or getting downstairs I usually have to remind her. I often have to chivvy her along at the last minute, don't think she'd be ready to leave without any input yet.

She will soon make her own lunch when you stop topping her account up!

DH made DD’s lunch in year 8, wouldn’t make her do that herself. You can make it the night before if needed. Set an alarm or 2 on her phone, if she ignores them it serves her right. Surely at 12 she can remember to brush her teeth in the morning?? And if you have to take younger DC to school, take them and let her walk alone/come back for her.

Year 8 is 12/13.

i don't mean to sound like a smug git - you did ask what DC of the same age are doing. I do nothing for my year 8 DD, other than ensure that there are clean clothes in the wardrobe. oh, and I make 4 x sandwiches the evening before, and everyone grabs one and whatever other fruit/veg/snacks they choose.

she is up half an hour before me, and out of the house before my hair is dry. I don't know what equipment she needs on what days.

@katy1213 not everyone lives in a place where their dc can “get themselves to school” surely you are aware of that?? I know the OP said they wait on the street while she sorts herself but maybe they are going to get in the car, bus, train etc. As it stands my dc will ALWAYS need me to bring them to school, unless they learn to drive at 17 and they do it for their final year!!

She needs to make her lunch before bed the night before. I do still wake my y8 DD up and give her a secondary nudge 5 minutes later. She sorts herself out from there. Y10 DS started getting himself up since the start of y9 so I'm hoping DD follows suit next year.

Why are you walking your DD to school?

Unfortunately she has you over a barrel.
How many times will you let her be late?
Once? Twice? Twenty times?
One of my children was like this.
Mornings were hell, and I was often late for work as a result
I did try leaving him
He fell back asleep every time.
In the end, it's your responsibility to get them there.
Luckily mine have now all left school
Never been so happy as the day they finished

@Lipperfromchipper the way the OP is worded I've also assumed they're walking. Sorry if that's wrong

Why do you wake her then leave her in bed? My DS needs woken (sleeps through alarm) and I wait until he's physically out of bed before leaving the room. If I walked out while he was awake but in bed he'd be asleep again in seconds.

I do hope at this age not to be doing this. Sounds like my morning battles with dd6 minus the lunch but I do expect her to pack her break time and after school snack. DD10 is much better and even gets out half an hour before us on the days she had running or cheerleading before school but I do have the issues getting her out of bed. I've no idea how to solve that or if dd6 will follow as she's less compliant in general. It's probably quite personality dependant but I don't think you are expecting too much

do you drive her to school, or walk? If walk, I would let get get herself to school, and if she is late, then she faces the consequences.

My teen is older and I routinely still name his lunch (whilst making mine). Nothing wrong in that.

She should be responsible for her school bag. If she forgets something, then that’s her look-out.

I still nudge my six form teen to get up, and often nudge him a second time. Ironically, at the weekend, he quite happily gets up for his hobby!

No, you are not unreasonable to leave when the rest of the family are ready, especially if she is able to get herself to school.

She needs to do more the night before but at that age she will need reminding and maybe some help until she gets into the swing of things.

At the weekend, when things aren’t fraught and you’re both calm, sit her down for a chat...

Where you tell her that as of Monday she needs to set her own alarm. You will be leaving the house at x o’clock.

Explain to her that if she is underdressed, with unbrushed teeth, a disorganised bag with missing homework, and no lunch, then she will have to accept the consequences of that.

It won’t do her any harm to go hungry with no lunch for a couple of days, do a few detentions for not handing in homework, and having a fellow pupil tell her that her breath stinks might give her the kick up the bum to start attending properly to her personal hygiene.

Try it.

Do you drop her to school or is it possible for her to be late and this only impact her and not others?

Can she do lunch, bag etc the night before?

Dd is Y7. And she does everything for herself. She uses an alarm clock, sorts herself out, makes lunch etc. She walks to school.

I've given her a lift to school probably 4 times, & once dropped a book to her she forgot.

I doubt her sister will be as easy or organised.

I have a yr 8.

She sets her own alarm and I check she is up 15 mins after it goes off. Apart from that, she has to get ready by herself.

Bus stop is 1.5 miles away so I give her a lift in the morning. If she is late and misses the school bus I will drive her to the next village to catch it there once per week. If she misses it twice, she has to wait for the next public bus and pay for it herself (£2.80) and it doesn't go directly to her school so she has to walk a mile at the other end and is late for school. This has definitely cut down the number of days she is late.

Unless I literally stand watching her, she will not do bags/lunch etc the night before. If she forgets things, she has to sort it out with the teacher herself, I don't get involved. She rarely forgets anything now.

With the lunch thing, I would stop putting money on the dinner account if you want her to take stuff from home. She will learn very fast if there are consequences. If she knows you will pay for lunch, there is no incentive to make her own. Being hungry for a day or two won't harm her.

What would happen if you left without her? Can she walk/get a bus? Or do you have to drive her? If at all possible, just leave without her, tell her to lock the door behind her and let her deal with explaining why she is late.

We do pack lunches night before. I usually drag kids into the kitchen to do their own. Then they lay out their clothes and supervise bag packing so bags go next to front door with school shoes. It got so bad with bigger one we gave him a tick list

From y7-
Lunch, bag packing and iron shirt night before

I wake him up with his phone
He changes, does hair etc

When it's time to put shoes on I give him a reminder.

He leaves

He's y9 now and I'm hoping that he'll crack the putting shoes on without a reminder this school year.

Does she have an Alexa?

Our teens have alarms set on those, and we can keep making the go off again using the app, without having to traipse upstairs and listen to the teen grumbling.

TBF, within a week or so of using Alexa rather than going up ourselves, they seem to have got into the routine of it, and generally get up by themselves.

We are still doing this in year 11. He doesn't care if he's late. Drives me bonkers!

You need to encourage her to get ready the night before.

Uniform out
Bag packed

Get her to set the table for breakfast

I’m very lucky in that my boys of 17 and 15 get themselves up and showered every day and Then wake me up. I then do breakfast for them.

From tonight, change the routine.

Definitely need to get on top of having everything ready the night before. Problem is we generally take it in turns to work evenings and it's hard to keep a routine going because of miscommunication. Dd isn't keen on sandwiches and takes a Thermos flask, which she often leaves in school (and I have made her walk all the way back for it to no avail... but that's a whole other story). When she does pre-make it she generally forgets it, and has gone hungry when I haven't realised but it doesn't bother her. Will definitely try much harder to ensure she at least half packs her lunch the night before though, with drink and fruit etc.

To answer some questions, she is 12 (13 in June). I walk her to school because her school is on the same road as her younger siblings and she wants to walk with us. She does have an alarm clock with a sunrise light. She just turns it off or ignores it.

She has lost about 4 keys so doesn't currently have her own. Which is why I wait for her. I've got a spare currently so will leave that and ask her to post it back through the letter box.

So I think from some suggestions I will make more effort to remind the night before. Keep waking her, but stop reminding her about everything else and stop getting stressed and just leave on time without her. If that works I'll then drop the second wake up call.

Oh and I think I'll ban music in her bedroom in the morning as that is a huge distraction for her.