To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

Stop it all. Tell he she is old enough to sort herself out.
If you really must, bang on her door 10 minutes before you have to leave.
Nothing else.
If she doesn't make lunch then she goes hungry.
If she doesn't pack her bag, then she takes the consequences at school.
Can she get to school independently (even if means a long walk)? If so, if she's not ready when you go, then let her do that.

If she can't take herself, then can you drop the younger children and come back for her?

Most secondary school children (assuming no SEN) will be getting themselves ready and going to school independently.

Well as I have to be at work before mine leave for school, my year 8 child gets themselves up, washed and dressed. Makes sure they have their kit ready. Lunch is prepared for them but they are expected to prepare whatever breakfast they choose. Wash up and get themselves to school on time by themselves.

No option but to learn and face consequences from no kit or being late as I have to pay the bills.

At that age I was totally independent in the mornings- got up, got ready, made my breakfast and lunch (cheese sandwich, crisps and fruit, nothing fancy!), locked the house up and walked to school.

She has the skills to do all of the required tasks, it’s just the time management that’s not quite there, and the only way to learn that is to practice and fail sometimes.

I agree about not dropping them all at once, that is too much to go from all that help to nothing. Decide to drop one thing and tell her beforehand. So maybe say that you are no longer going to make her lunch or give her money for lunch. Suggest she makes it the night before and puts it in the fridge. Remind her once in the evening about this. She won't do it probably. The next morning refuse to make her lunch and take her to school. She will make her lunch from then on.

Then let her get used to making her own lunch, don't remind her. Once that has become second nature, drop another thing. And so on.

I give dd £20 per month on her canteen account. She needs to make her lunch the rest of the time.

My son was awful at 8 but fine at 11 and did everything including his own washing and ironing.
Go without her the once and see what happens.
Make her get absolutely everything ready before bed and make her put it by the front door.

I do tellMy 2 if they can't get up in the morning they have to go to bed earlier

If she can walk herself, then definitely don't wait for her!!! If she likes walking with you, then knowing you actually will go without her should provide a spur to get her to hurry up!

I'm assuming that you live close enough to her school for her to walk.

(In your shoes, I'd probably make the packed lunch because it costs you more money if she hasn't got one)

Sit her down and say that you know she is fed up with you nagging her all the time, and you don't want to have to do it any more either. So from next Monday she is going to be responsible for getting herself up and ready for school. You will wake her up once, and then that's it, she's to make sure she gets herself to school on time.

Maybe suggest that she has practice runs for the rest of this week.

My DS was 13 last week, he has school lunches but apart from that not being a task, he does everything himself.

He gets himself up, dressed, makes his breakfast & organises his medication - which is quite a lot to do.

I shout him to give him a 5 minute warning before we leave but that’s it.

Re. Keys - we have a key safe with a code so in your shoes, I’d get one of those - leave on time & if she’s not ready, that’s her look out.

I probably sound a bit harsh, as a starter for her, I’d probably write down a suggested schedule for her to work to.

My 9, 7, 5 and 3 year olds all get their own breakfast cereal. My nine and seven year olds make their own lunch, pack their own bags, get their own clothes out in the morning and are standing ready by the door at 8.30 ready to walk to school. I think these are things all children should take responsibility for. They’re very simple tasks.

If we don’t give our kids any responsibility then how on earth are they going to become functioning adults?

DS, aged 12 - totally responsible for himself in the morning, getting up/dressed/making breakfast/making packed lunch/leaving on time. We've built up to that over the years though... We also have an arrangement of putting £20/month on school lunch card and up to him to manage that over the month and take packed lunch or supplementary snacks to go with it. We've both normally left the house ahead of him about 60% of mornings so he's responsible for locking up, switching off lights, etc as well.

DD was even more independent and did her own lunch, etc from about 9.

My dd(25 now) was making her own breakfast and packed lunch from year 3. She's never been a bother to wake much less than me .

She got to a point in about year 8 where she couldn't be arsed to make a lunch anymore because there was never actually time to eat it so I'd make sure she at least had cereal bars/fruit etc available.

I gave my two eldest alarm clocks on a Friday evening, and told them that from the Monday it would be their responsibility to get themselves up and ready for school. I wouldn't be calling them, nagging them or reminding them of the time, and I wouldn't be offering lifts if they missed the bus, or phoning the school to excuse them for being late. It worked, and I wondered why I hadn't done it before!
I'd also advise you to tell her to do her lunch the previous evening, and to write herself a note to remind her to take it, plus anything else she will need the next day.

My daughter is year 8 and like others leaves the house after me and her brother. He's younger and goes to breakfast club. She gets up (When she doesn't sleep through her alarm) dressed ready sorts her own stuff out and leaves on time. I do make her lunch but she's aware if I do it it isn't very interesting (often the same thing) if she wants something different she has to make it herself.

Teachers do expect them to be able to do it themselves at this age. If she is late then leave her to it and let her face the consequences.

The best ever excuse I've hurd for being late was a child who said he was busy chasing a rare Pokemon lol.

Check out dyspraxia. Whilst it’s often thought of as a condition that makes people very clumsy and uncoordinated (which it is!) it’s also got a very strong element of people struggling to get and be organised.

Ds has it - he’s y7 and only formally diagnosed last year. However reading down the list of symptoms so many clicked. Ds is a clever boy but hopeless at being organised - he’s the archetypal eccentric professor - whizzing through maths problems well beyond his age expectations, yet still needs to be reminded to brush his teeth every morning and evening... I still encourage him to try to do everything himself there is also an acknowledgement that he struggles so I build in lots of reminders, lots of different noises on my phone at different times to move on from bed to kitchen to teeth to uniform etc, have lots of things organised for the morning (clothes out night before, bag packed etc) rather than getting too stressed and blaming it on him being deliberately disorganised. I still get stressed though (as does he) but it’s no longer personal I the same way.

But definitely worth checking out!

Same age/year DD. I wake her up and I nag her in the mornings. She often forgets things and from last week I’ve told her that I absolutely refuse to bring anything she forgets down to school for her anymore. She has to get organised. Echo previous posters about preparing the night before, I do check she’s done homework/got everything ready for the next day each evening.

Crikey my mum didn't do anything for me at that age but I am the eldest of four. I had a ten to fifteen minute walk, train ride of about 45 minutes and a 20 minute walk the other end.

Give her a check list up on the wall.
Bag needs to be packed the night before.
Lunch needs to be made the night before.
Buy her two alarm clocks.
Set the table for breakfast after the dishes are done at night.
Make sure she goes to bed at a decent time. Friday and Saturday can be later.
Let her suffer the consequences of being late. You could warn the school first.
Talk to her about now that she is getting older. Mine had to catch the one and only school bus and if they missed t they had to listen to me rant because it made me late to drive them six miles on slow country roads. Maybe a small reward at the weekend if she complies.

Can you have a heart to heart with her about it? Tell her what you've told us, tell her what you want to happen (for her to get herself ready for school without you having to be on her case) and ask her if she thinks it's feasible and how you might make a plan together to make it happen. She's getting to the age where it's better to work collaboratively with her rather than dictating to her and making her feel like a child.

It might work for her to write herself a timetable including what she needs to do by what time (e.g. she needs to be up at 7am, be dressed and downstairs at 7.15, finish breakfast by 7.30 etc.), or checking her diary and getting everything she needs ready the night before. Really though it's only by talking to her that you'll discover the root of the problem - sleep, organisation, morning distractions etc. - and work with her to fix it.

hmmm my yr 8 DS was a disorganised nigtmare. He was constantly being told off at school for not bringing in the right books or missing things. I drive my DS to the station every morning as he has an early start and two trains to school. He packs his bags the night before, uniform is hung up ready. Alarm set on his phone and screen time set so he cant sit up all night. He has breakfast at school so he gets up and dressed ten minutes before we have to leave. Works for us.....its my DD yr 11 who is the nightmare! Although she doesnt need woken up or assistance with bags , she takes ages getting to the car for her train

I had one who was a nightmare in the mornings, wouldn't get up, stroppy and moody when they did. This is what I did:

1. Made them get everything ready at night.
2. Woke them with a hot chocolate - I know, I know but God it made the morning easier and pleasant.
3. Did a deal on lunches, say you end up spending an extra £5 a week because of buying lunches, you give her an extra £2.50 a week and tell her the stuff is there for lunch she can either be £2.50 a week better off if she does her lunches or £2.50 worse off if she ends up spending the £5. Obviously use your own figures.
4. Toothbrush kept in downstairs loo (obviously no use if you don't have one but maybe kitchen) easier to check it is being done.

Almost overnight we went from arguing every morning to having a pleasant start to the day and I was better off, not paying out so much for school lunches, they were better off and I think they learnt something about how to manage their money e.g.some days they'd made a sandwich but treat themselves to a school pudding. Don't know if all schools let them do that.

Hope some of that might help.

Stop walking her to school because she “wants you to”, for a start...
Why would you stand on the street freezing your arse off while she delays you all? She’s late because there are no consequences.

@JaniceBattersby I’m sorry but no 3 yr old should have to get their own breakfast...that’s just lazy parenting imo!! There’s guiding/parenting and then there’s just pure abandonment I mean why bother having dc if from the age of 3 you are expecting them to fend for themselves!! I will gladly make make dc’s breakfast, they are 6 and 4, but while I do that they get dressed and brush their teeth etc.

Put an alarm clock that gets increasingly louder on the other side of the room?

I make my yr 7's pack lunch (my mum made mine as a child, I appreciated it - he does his own at weekends), but aside from that he gets himself out. He gets up fairly easily, which is a bonus.

I literally do nothing for my y7&8 girls.
They have an alarm set for 7 and come In To our bed for a quick cuddle until 7:10 when my emergency alarm goes off. If they sleep through I will wake them but that is rare.
They get dressed and make their own breakfast and lunch In The morning.
They feed the cats and rabbits and leave at 5 to 8ish.

They have been trained from a young age.

Start off with prepping the night before, lunches and bags.

Always dressed before down for breakfast as anything else throws the timing off.

I used to leave out the cereal and bowls etc ready for the morning.