To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

The only thing I do is wake mine up and make sure there is a clean shirt in the wardrobe. Everything else is his responsibility. I set the expectation before high school started, made it clear it wasn't my problem, write a list in the wall of what he needed for school each day and let him get on with it.

He's not been late yet (year 8). He came close the other week because he was farting about which meant he had to run all the way. Natural consequences.

Sit down with her and make your position clear and what you will and won't do. Then stand back and let her get on with it

I tend to switch light on and occasioanlly if that doesn't get a reponse take cover - as by time I'm up and checking the alarms already gone off a while ago so it's more likely they've gone back to sleep.

DS 13, 3rd year high school.

Set's own alarm at night. Get's himself up, dressed, teeth cleaned, hair brushed, gets own breakfast, packs own bag.* Leaves house promptly to catch school bus. Never been late. No nagging from me.

We started off with a list of what needed to be done each morning and time it had to be done by, pinned to the wardrobe. That helped set up the routine and expectation.

*I do the lunches as I do mine too at the same time, but he is more than able to do his own lunch if needs to - does his own lunch at weekends!

You need an alarm like my ds's. No one sleeps through that. He does go back to sleep though.

I help him as he is autistic and he may take longer to learn independence. DD learned to get herself up but needs help with other stuff. I would help her get up, but take the cost of lunch out her pocket money. That way she is not missing education and is learning some consequences. You can tackle the getting up alone later.

Well, DH and I were off to work by 7am when they were in secondary school. So we were not there to wake them up, and so on.
Surely at that age she can set an alarm on her phone and pack her bag the night before? Then get to school on time?

My year 8 has his key on a string pinned in his blazer pocket!
Though that failed on Monday as he had a mufti on Friday and it was still in his denim jacket...

All my kids get themselves washed dressed and teeth brushed before they come down for breakfast. This has been what they've done since they were in reception so it's just second nature although I helped with teeth when younger.

Then they either help unload the dishwasher, feed the pets or make a pot of tea.

Secondary DC get their own breakfast unless I'm cooking something specific or I'm doing toast etc for one of the younger ones I'll make theirs too for convenience.
I make their sandwiches as I'm making the younger ones but they would do it themselves if necessary. All the kids pack the other components of their lunch.

DC pack their own bags get kits ready etc. I have taken in the odd forgotten thing in once or twice but if it becomes a habit or was just them being lazy they're on their own.

I wouldn't wait in the cold and make the other children rush because she's forgotten something, I'd set off and let her catch you up or walk alone.

One of DD's friend in secondary who was always getting up late etc, her Mum was forever walking to school with forgotten equipment and lunches. Her Mum used to say "one day I'll leave her to it but I feel mean"
Now she is 20 and training to be a nurse. Her Mum is still trudging across town delivering forgotten lunches and work she needs for uni!

My son has some mild special needs but he'll set his alarm (Alexa) and get up for 7, shower and dress without any fuss. I do his breakfast and packed lunch as it easier. He does his bag but I check through it and make sure paperwork is organised. He makes his own way to the bus and so far has never been late.

The key thing - we've done lanyards attachments tehy have a card -and it's not to my surpise been Yr 8 DS who lost key .

DD1 y10 misplaced for week or so did turn up in the house but we changed locks - she'd got out of habit of hanging it on it's peg at night like DS does and used to him unlocking door,

Would a key safe be a possiblity if she does need one in the future?

DS1 is yr 9. I make his lunch the night before and lay out clean uniform for him. His dad gets him up and makes his breakfast. He goes up to get ready without much prompting.

I brush his hair before he leaves the house although he is too tall as he says he cant do it properly

His dad then drives him to school as it is an hours walk.

I really don't care if I am spoiling him, he won't be at home forever and I still like looking after him tbh.

I also do the same for his 10yo brother.

Where does the we come from in we'll be late.
Surely, she's old enough to get to school herself.

I would wake her, once, and provide breakfast at a set time.

Give her a lunch card topped up with a certain allowance per term.

Then leave her to it.

If she is late, don’t stand freezing, just go. If she forgets her thermos she will need to take sandwiches.

She currently has no need to take responsibility for herself at all.

It won’t kill her to suffer a day without lunch if she hasn’t sorted herself out.

Tbh I was always happy to make lunches, BUT if she has forgotten her flask she would have to have a cheese sandwich til she remembers it.

There is a HUGE difference between “helping“ to get breakfast and getting their own mine are more than capable of getting cereal, making pancakes and french toast! I know that because they HELP me...However...that does not mean I let them get their own breakfast!!

But you said it was lazy and abandonment. Do you honestly think it's neglectful to allow your children to do something that they enjoy, teaches them life skills and responsibility, gives them confidence and isn't difficult or time consuming?

My four year olds don't make their own breakfast every day, but if I encountered a family whose three year olds did make their own breakfast I would consider that to be really positive.

@Lipperfromchipper

My two year old can make his own breakfast 🤷

At least, I get him the bowl and spoon, he knows where the cereal is and has his own little bottle of milk in the fridge (decanted from the main one). He also knows where the fruit is and helps himself.

I mean, it's cereal, not rocket science.

I supervise all of this and help when he needs it. And usually do it myself, because much as two year olds love to help, they're fickle and slow.

I'll wait until he's 3 before I trust him with the toaster

I do a lot for him, he wants to get his own breakfast, not going to stop him.

Why is the paying for her own lunch idea so silly? My Y7 DS has the option each day of buying an (unhealthy) snack from school at break time - which I'm obviously not keen for him to do. So from the start I said that he could do that from his pocket money (£15 a month) if he wants, or I'll make sure there's always something he can take from home if he'd rather. It took him about a week of buying overpriced chocolate bars to decide that he would treat himself once a week to an unhealthy snack from school, and the rest of the time he'd take something from home. I think the OP could suggest something similar to her DD? Either she remembers to sort her own lunch, or she can pay for a school dinner herself - her choice.

As to the rest, I agree with others to do it a bit at a time. Definitely a loud alarm clock and make her own breakfast. A checklist is good. No music is definitely good. We still haven't totally got there with DS (and we do have to drive him to school, so ultimately we have to make sure he's ready so we're not late for work), but he's getting better and better at sorting himself out. We still do the occasional bit of nagging or helping out when he's running a bit late, but I'm pleasantly surprised how much he's natured this year.

I was waiting in the reception of my daughters secondary and a boy came in after the bell saying he had had a doctors appointment and sorry he was late. He was unable to provide a doctors note for the lady in the office told him that his dad had helpfully rung up to say he had missed the bus.......he didn't quite know how to respond!

Did this with the eldest when she was 17. (and going to bed too late). Gave her a weeks warning, then 6 days then the night before reminded her.
First Day. She got up did the bits we agreed to (which was getting up, getting dressed being downstairs but not the packed lunch).. I felt it was too much to go from one extreme to the other.
Second Day. She didn't set alarm. So it got to the point where she would be on time if she rushed. And I phoned her from downstairs.
She paniced got to school.
Third day. She didn't set alarm. I phoned her at 9am to say that I hadn't seen her leave the house... she absolutely freaked and said ' Why didn't you wake me'. I told her to get to school and we will discuss later. At home she said, ' But you woke me yesterday'... and the response back was, "Yep, so that's now 2 days you were going to be late out of 3 and I saved you 1 day, so count yourself lucky..." From that point in she clicked that I wasn't going to be the crutch for her lazyness of not setting the alarm on her phone.
She did then fail a couple of times, and I reminded her that if she wants to be seen as an adult and have adult things she needs to take responsibility for herself but (now that she's 19) she admits that it was a kick in the arse that she needed. Unfortunately each kid is different but if your kid needs a kick up the arse, then you as the parent are there to do that.

What Collision said. It will make her develop better habits and take some of the pressure off mornings,.

I feel bad now that I sometimes get grumpy with my eldest when she's running a few minutes behind and her friends knock on and have to wait!!
She's y9 and gets herself up in the mornings, always has for high school. She sorts her own bag and packs her own lunch into it (often will make it the night before if I'm busy)
All homework is her responsibility and she always hands it in on time.

Lipper I'm with you. There seems to be this thing about making children independent from as early an age as possible. I am seen as indulgent, but actually all I want to do is care for my children for as long as possible.

Its no skin off my nose if I do their lunches and breakfast while I do my own.

My DC will have to fend for themselves when they leave home, but while they are here I will do what I can to care for them.

Hopefully that will make them want to return as adults and not leave home as soon as they can as was my case!

@NYCDreaming
Do you honestly think it's neglectful to allow your children to do something that they enjoy, teaches them life skills and responsibility, gives them confidence and isn't difficult or time consuming?

I think it’s neglectful if you’re in bed not supervising in some way shape or form YES!! I mean ffs I’m not saying I do EVERYTHING for my kids...but I am “present” and by that I don’t mean hovering over them I mean actually physically and mentally present!!

@NeverMindTheBuzzards if course it’s not rocket science I never said it was but I think it’s fairly shifty parenting to NOT be up with your children in the morning before school, there’s a difference between teaching your children, assisting them in with their morning routine and just staying in bed whilst leaving them to “get on with it!”

Why bother having children if you are not going to sit with them to have breakfast and be there in the morning to talk etc and help them out the door!?

Shitty not shifty...

I wake my Y8 DS with ASD 1 hour before he is collected for school in the morning. He wakes but does his stretches while I wake his younger sisters. I make sure he is out of bed before I go downstairs.

He packs his school bag and any school kit and leaves it in the kitchen, has a bath before bed and lays his uniform out in his room the night before school. DH makes him a marmite sandwich every morning as he doesn’t have time to queue for lunch as prefers to play footy with his friends. I fill his water bottle and DDs’ while making breakfasts.

Even though it’s the same routine every morning I need to remind him to do deodorant, teeth, hair and face or he would just sit down and panic when his lift arrives. He automatically puts his shoes on in the porch when his lift gets here.

We have deodorant, tooth brushes, toothpaste, flannels and hair stuff downstairs as well as upstairs to avoid any of them going back upstairs after breakfast. I find it cuts out distractions, things being misplaced or left behind and lights being left on. DDs 8&10 have their clothes laid out on the sofa and get dressed and have breakfast while watching TV then teeth, face and I do their hair. We leave half an hour after DS to walk to school.

My 13 year old yr 8 boy comes and hets me up at 7.30am - I work from home so no need for me to leave the house. I'm already awake however - just in case his Alexa doesn't go off!

All clothes are out the night before and he has showered the night before too. He does his teeth and deodorant and face and gets dressed and comes down. I make breakfast for him and do a double check of his bag, clean shoes if need be and give him a once over as he's very head in the clouds and will leave the house with his fly undone and his shirt hanging out otherwise

I put £12-15 on his lunch tab a week and also supply him with drinks and fruit and crisps as snacks. He walks the half mile to school unless bad weather then I'll whizz him up

I don't mind helping him out. My eldest is at uni and I don't have to be out the house or have little ones. I might feel differently then!

And there ladies and gentlemen is the reason that there are so many pathetic adults who are completely unable to look after themselves.

They grew up with mum like the previous posters smothering them and babying them on the justification that its done out of love rather than because they have nothing else to justify their lives beyond the role of mother