To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

Everything needs to be done the night before.

Let her be late a few times, our lot get an hour detention for 5 lates, although I’d phone a year 8’s parents to ask if they could get her up earlier. By Year 9, I have less empathy!

I would suggest arranging a family "meeting" with her on the weekend when you have proper time. Sit down at the table and outline the problem in a very adult almost business-like way. Say that this is a problem for you and her (she may not realise it is, or the extent to which it is) and what your expectations are to support her developing as a young adult. Try not to be overly critical of her but just highlight the general problems with lateness that she will experience in life.

Then ask her what she thinks the solutions could be. Suggest some of your own (new alarm clock other side of her room, she preps lunch & bag night before, agreed wake up time, school consequences will be on her). See what she thinks too. It will work best if she feels she's had a say in the steps forward. Agree a trial way forward for say 1-2 weeks and say you will review. Write down the agreed steps and stick up on the fridge. If it works well with no lateness you will agree a reward of her choosing. Write that down also. Any lateness consequences will be hers to bear.

Then start the new routine and let her try it. Do follow through with the "review" meeting when you've agreed. But in the meantime give her space to try and make mistakes too.

Good luck!

I had 3 that were fine so I don't think it is how they are brought up, it is just one of those things that some teenagers struggle in the morning. I often think starting and ending school an hour later would e much better for teenagers.

do you "nag" her in the morning? ask her if she's sick of it and tell her you're not doing it any more.

I don't agree with pp about dropping it one at a time. You need to get sorted over the weekend with an alarm clock and so on (checklist of what she needs to take on which days etc) and tell her from Monday she's doing it herself. Make sure she sets the alarm to leave her enough time to have breakfast etc without rushing around. (it's a good habit to get into)

She'll soon get used to it

I have a year 7 ds and year 9 ds. They both respond slightly differently to things so one gets up better with the sunlight alarm clock and the year 9 needs the loudest alarm clock imaginable (I found it on amazon, it’s like a fire drill going off!) and he has it across the room so that he has to jump out of bed to turn it off.

Make sure she makes her lunch and gets her bag/clothes ready the night before. My rules are that the boys have to get their bags ready for the next day, have showers, do any outstanding homework and then they can play computer games and go on their phones. They generally get these things done really early now!

We have consequences but we make it crystal clear what will happen and we make them agree to them first and foremost. So, DD, if you are not out of bed before X time in the morning then that evening you will not have your phone at all. It sounds harsh but as long as you are consistent, she will soon decide she would rather have her phone in the evening and it’s worth getting up for.

Then on a more positive note, have rewards for when she gets it right. So, DD if you get up every day before X time without me shouting at you then you can have Y at the weekend. But you must do it for the whole 5 days in a row first. Tailor the reward to what motivates her the most (for mine, it’s always computer time!). Tick off each day she does it and praise her for it. I know these tactics seem a bit baby-ish at their age but I think that some kids still need the carrot on a stick to help them build good habits. And once those habits are built they will do it without thinking about them.

I totally sympathise with you as my eldest was exactly the same for a long time but I feel like a combination of those tactics has solved the problem now and we don’t have any issues at all with either of the boys. But you have to make the rewards and sanctions crystal clear. Nothing wishy washy that they can argue with! It will take a while but you’ll get there in the end so hang in there!

Everything ready the night before. Including sandwich. Socks. Shoes. Kit. No phone use until shes totally prepared for the next day. Let her take the consequences.

Got to love mumsnet, some of the responses are crazy, “make her pay for her own lunch”, do 12 year olds have money? and the posts saying “oh, my year 7 child gets themselves up, makes their lunch and walks to school” 🤣

OP, all kids are different, tackle one thing at a time, get her a good alarm clock and encourage her to get herself up without you shouting at her.

My dd took a while to be able to do all these things without me nagging, she does get up on my 1st call to her, I do still make her lunch for her but it’s just a sandwich, if she wants anything else then she has to pack it. It took a while for her to remember to brush her teeth and the grab her lunch but she got there.

My Y7 take a thermos at most I'll precook the pasta the night before, she warms the flask and heats the sauce and pasta herself in the morning.

Make her lunch as no child should go hungry. But get her to help you make it the night before. The other stuff, let her get into trouble to teach her a lesson about responsibility

Ridiculous.

My Mum and Dad had both left for work before I got up when I was 11 years old.

I got myself up, showered, dressed and out the house; locking it up without a problem

I organised my own clothes and ironed my uniform if it needed it the night before. Ditto PE kit, books and all sorts

Think all children are different though. Some will naturally get up and themselves dressed with v little effort on parents part. With others it s a real struggle.

Another here who has the same issue. Ds is just 13 and getting him up in the morning is such hard work and when I remember that he got up at 5am if not before for about 8 bloody years I get a bit irritated!

He has school dinners as apparently 'nobody takes a packed lunch' so that's one less thing but he has to have his bag ready the night before with everything he needs including money / bus pass / coat / shoes etc.

In the morning dh usually makes his breakfast when he is making his own but otherwise he makes it himself but he eats it soooooooooo slowly.

I have to remind him about teeth / deodorant / face wash etc etc and it's totally draining. Meanwhile his little sister has sorted herself out. It drives me demented.

I check my Y8 is awake (she has an alarm clock but sometimes sleeps through it) everything else is down to her, she is ready to leave with me when I have to leave to go work (I drop her off closer to the school on my way) or she gets herself the 4 miles to school she has never yet not been ready because she knows I will leave without her.

She needs to get her stuff ready the night before (inc lunch if needed) and an alam clock.

My just turned 10 year old wakes herself if needed, gets dressed, makes her breakfast, packs her bag, cleans teeth, gets sports kit / instrument of the day sorted. Plus she makes her packed lunch most days and cleans it out after school.

I've told the DC that if it's their fault they're late then they have to explain to the teacher/head, same with homework. I never need to remind her and it always goes in and is well done.

You need to set higher expectations. Even my 6 yr old manages most of the above.

I’m sorry but no 3 yr old should have to get their own breakfast...that’s just lazy parenting imo!! There’s guiding/parenting and then there’s just pure abandonment confused I mean why bother having dc if from the age of 3 you are expecting them to fend for themselves!!

I don't think it's lazy parenting at all - three year olds tend to absolutely love 'helping' and doing grown up things, and making breakfast is a simple, low risk activity. They gain so much confidence from being able to do things for themselves. It's not abandoning them, it's empowering them to learn to do things for themselves.

and then I have to add money on to her account

No, she has no lunch that day. She'll quickly cotton on. And, no, skipping lunch for a few days won't hurt. It never did us harm when our parents were short.

Seriously the amount of strange approaches to parent on here!! Only on Mumsnet would a parent lie in bed while a 7 yr old gets themselves off to school I feel very sad for those kids, I will aim to be up with my children until they are finished school, I will enjoy chatting to them in the morning before school, HELPING them make lunch and breakfast and getting them into the car on their own whilst we drive is a great way to talk through any anxieties or worries they have about the day!! No wonder mental health issues are on the rise!! All the parents seem to have clocked off by the time they are 7, thinking they have done their job!! Ffs!!

I agree with others saying to go gradually and collaboratively with this - that's how you do skills training, after all. If you just issue a "sort yourself out" ultimatum she probably won't and she'll get stressed which is counterproductive to positive results.

Work out what it is that's a priority for you and tackle that first. Personally I've always been quite happy to make breakfasts and lunches because it's feeding my family and not a big deal really. I got them all to organise their own bags though as I really CBA with that level of life admin. We started in each case with going over next day's timetable, they get the stuff with me overseeing, then moved onto me prompting them to look at timetable, then me saying right, have you done what you need to for tomorrow and now they just do it as a matter of course.

Same with general organisation - talking with them about how long it takes to get showered, dressed etc, what you need to be looking like/doing at such and such a time, what happens if you don't, then pretty much ensuring they kept to timetable, then prompting, and now they're all (mostly) fine.

It's just about habits, and the key to habit is repetition.

I'm sure she'll get there. It's quite the learning curve for a lot of them, just at the point their mental teenage heads are filling up with all sorts of crap that actively prevents them from being sensible. When she has a couple of mornings of things going smoothly and therefore arriving at school not stressed and not nagged at she'll see the value in it all. Good luck!

My yr8 Dd gets herself up sometimes with one gentle reminder of the time. I make sure she has u inform out - everything else she does. Breakfast, lunch, pe kit books etc. I have no idea what she needs on any day.

My youngest is dyspraxic and has the attention span of a goldfish who also hates getting up so I am expecting a very different scenario when she starts secondary.

Most schools issue a late detention for pupils late without a note from parents. Maybe don’t leave her in bed but leave the house without her if she’s not ready. Then if she’s late, she’ll have a consequence at school. Just to be sure they don’t let her off if she’s a good girl at school, drop her form tutor a quick email and I’m sure they will support you with a follow up. Dd would never know.

three year olds tend to absolutely love 'helping' and doing grown up things, and making breakfast is a simple, low risk activity

There is a HUGE difference between “helping“ to get breakfast and getting their own @NYCDreaming mine are more than capable of getting cereal, making pancakes and french toast! I know that because they HELP me...However...that does not mean I let them get their own breakfast!!

My DS now 30 yoa was similarly difficult to get up at that age. He told me recently that he absolutely hated it when I tried to wake him gently. Much preferred when my DH would occasionally be at home and would wake him by slamming the bedroom door open, putting on the light and roaring "this is your only wakeup call get up now"!

I make lunches in evening for everyone - have occaionally asked one of kids to do it but at minute they just have to get it out the fridge and do water.

They have alarms but do check eveyone is up - though many times other children and even cats wanting doors opened also do this for me or just household being up wakes them.

Been working for years on what need to get done- younger ages they had list pinned up - breakfast, dressed bags done teeth hair etc mostly they all do that once up and it's time checks - recently added alams to their phones to help there but also around to do time checks and the older two at secondary occaionally do it to each other.

Mainly this time of year its just checking all awake - once out of dark months this isn't really needed.

However this has been many years work getting routine done and really this has been best year yet for my year 8 - I think genrally it came earlier to my other children though eldest can still have an off day organisation wise though they tend to leave early enough to head back on odd occasion it's been needed.

Sit her down and talk to her calmly. Tell her that she is getting too old to be treated like a primary school child and from now on she will be 100% responsible for getting herself out to school with her lunch in the morning. Perhaps soften the blow by offering to get in a few of her favourite things every week to make preparing the lunches easier and more appealing. We always had fruit, yoghurts, babybels, etc in the fridge so if they were running late they could just grab and go. I also used to have some pre-boiled eggs for my veggie son, but if she’s a meat eater some cooked chicken pieces are also quick and easy.

I absolutely agree with the poster that suggested rewarding this. She should know from the start that the first week she manages to go 5 full days getting herself up and out promptly with a reasonable lunch she’s prepared herself there will be a new privilege or a reward to celebrate her new mature attitude, what that is is up to her and you. Then another one for the first month and then see how it goes. Just as important as whatever incentive you agree is really bigging up every success and praising her.

Make it equally clear that if she doesn’t get herself up and out she will have to explain herself at school and go hungry until the evening. Don’t make a big deal of it but don’t bail her out with lifts or cash injections.

Then leave her to it. Expect her to fail a few times but hopefully after a few weeks she will be where she needs to be.

I am in the same boat. If we are late my two miss the school bus and it’s a 10 mile round trip in the opposite direction for me to get to work ggrrr. I then can’t get parked. So last week when she wouldn’t get up she had to miss breakfast and went to school with hair and teeth not brushed.
I felt awful but it was her own fault.
This week she said to me if I do that to her again she will report me for not feeding her before school bash on...