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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look through DP's phone?

195 replies

hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 16:24

So i wouldn't usually do this BUT dp has been acting suspicious with his phone lately!

It's never leaves his side, he slept with it under his pillow, wont leave me alone with his phone and i can feel the anxiety coming from him when his phone is in my hand! He went out on the weekend and i noticed he has someone new following him on Instagram and he followers her (someone fairly "Instagram famous" from the area his office is and who i know goes to the same place he drinks after work) I only noticed this last night when he was sleeping and have been fuming ever since and planning to go through his phone tonight when he is sleeping as i know his pass code as long as he hasn't changed it!

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something! He follows lots of these Instagram famous girls from the area he used to live and still works and i think its all very sad a shallow. I've had enough now I let this man move into my house after only 7 months (we've been together for a year now) so feel i have a right to look through his phone and know whats really going on! I'm 29 and he's 33.

AIBU? Not that i care because i will be going through his phone regardless but feel like maybe my anger is getting the better of me right now.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/01/2020 16:27

Just how much of a relationship do you actually have if you already have severe trust issues within a year, seven months of which you have been living together? And you have reasons not to trust him from the beginning of the relationship?

Have you raised your concerns with him? Asked to see his phone? Would you be okay with him helping himself to your phone in such a way if he had similar concerns - justified or not?

mbosnz · 28/01/2020 16:28

Sorry, 5 months living together!

Butterflyflower1234 · 28/01/2020 16:30

If you want to find something to be mad at, you will find something. Clearly there is no trust there so cut your losses and move on.

Tattooedmama · 28/01/2020 16:33

It does sound suspicious, i know how you feel and i found exactly what my spidey senses were telling me.
He had instagram after telling me he didnt have it, and had been messaging a few ex's.
You wont be able to rest until you get the truth, weather its from looking yourself or asking him outright whats going on. Ask to see his phone, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 16:33

We have a great relationship other than this recent issue I've noticed with his phone. He never used be to like this with his phone and i know when someones energy changes i'm sure any women does we can just feel it - intuition.

I wouldn't care if he looked through my phone behind my back at all because i'm not hiding anything and if that made him feel better then that's fine.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 16:33

If you don’t trust him then end it. But no, you have no right to look through his phone and your paranoia about Instagram followers is just daft.

WombatStewForTea · 28/01/2020 16:38

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something!

We have a great relationship other than this recent issue I've noticed with his phone.

These two statements kinda contradict each other OP. Doesn't sound like there's much trust at all.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/01/2020 16:41

Sorry but I think YABU. If you have trust issues then you need to talk with him about his change in behaviour. You should not violate his privacy by going through his phone. Your frame of mind is such that even him liking an Instagram post will be conflated with evidence of guilty intent to cheat.
If the relationship is no longer good, you do not need to manufacture a cheating bastard scenario to end it. Just end it without dramatics.

Andersonx3 · 28/01/2020 16:43

You sound quite insecure - following 'famous' girls on Instagram isn't necessarily 'sad' or 'shallow'. Have you asked him directly? Voiced how you feel?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/01/2020 16:45

i have a right to look through his phone

No you don't.

You sound jealous and paranoid. If you don't trust him, end it. No point dragging it out and invading his privacy.

Chickychoccyegg · 28/01/2020 16:46

to be honest, if i suspected something i would look, my dh and i leave our phones laying around, if one of us has a dead battery or wants to look for something we have no problem with the other using our phon, we dont just nose through each others phones, but if my dh's behaviour changed , i would have a good look.

Jomarchsburntskirt · 28/01/2020 16:52

You don’t have any right to look through anyone’s phone. What’s the point in a relationship where you feel you have to do this.

Branster · 28/01/2020 16:53

It sounds like you are dating a 15 year old.
I don’t think it’s worth your time and energy to snoop through his phone. Following someone ‘famous’ (wtf does that even mean?!) means nothing in terms of cheating. Following anyone on Instagram is beyond infantile.
Anyway, his phone is his own property and he is free to use it how he wants and not to allow other people to access it.
You are a bit emotional about it all and it may be that you simply don’t trust him. Or maybe he is not the trustworthy type. Nothing to do with the phone. You would find something else to be suspicious about if it wasn’t the phone.
5 months in and you are already so upset, how would you go through 4 or 5 decades of this?

PixieDustt · 28/01/2020 16:55

You don't have the right to go through someone else's phone. I don't have anything to hide but would be fuming if DP felt the need to go through my phone fgs.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 16:55

I'm far from insecure. I'm actually very secure within myself but to me there are do and don'ts in a relationship and if i wouldn't do certain things to him i expect them to not be done to me! I find the whole Instagram thing disrespectful as i'm sure he wouldn't like it if I started following a good looking guy I met at my gym.
BUT this alone wouldn't have bothered me to much if it wasn't for how he's been acting with his phone.

OP posts:
Jayaywhynot · 28/01/2020 16:58

I'd look, yeah I know you shouldn't but if I were suspicious I'd sure as shit go through his phone.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 16:59

I get that most people would say its wrong to go through his phone but with the way hes been acting lately i don't trust him at the moment.

OP posts:
GinDaddy · 28/01/2020 17:00

No one has a "right" to look through someone else's phone.

Period.

If this was a man posting about a woman, the replies would be all along the lines that he was a controlling, insecure bastard and get rid.

I'm sorry that you feel your partner may be acting suspiciously.

But the only way, the decent way, to resolve this is to confront him directly and address his behaviour.

Sparkle567 · 28/01/2020 17:01

im sure he wouldn't like it if I started following a good looking guy I met at my gym.

You do sound insecure. If it’s someone he chats to and sees then I can’t see the problem.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 17:03

What else am i supposed to do? Ask him...? He obviously isn't going to admit he's talking to anyone else.

Leave him? How can i leave someone I love just because of the way he is acting with his phone come off it who would actually do that!

So the only choice i have is to look through his phone and yes he is my partner and living in my house so I feel i have a right to do this. If i find nothing then my bad no harm done but if i do find something then my gut was right.

OP posts:
EeWellIllGoToTheFootOfOurStair · 28/01/2020 17:05

Haven't you posted about this before?

Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 17:05

I follow loads of people on Instagram. Folk from the gym, my work and famous people. I’m not trying to shag them, following them is the whole point of Instagram!

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 17:06

No eewlll this is my first time posting on this site.

OP posts:
LanternLighter · 28/01/2020 17:06

I’d look if I had suspicions. If there’s nothing going on you won’t find anything.
And I wouldn’t care if my dp checked my phone if he wanted reassurance over something.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 28/01/2020 17:07

I dont think you're being unreasonable actually.

If your partner is trustworthy and you're constantly checking up on them and routinely check then that's unreasonable

But in my view if they have had a sudden and prolonged change in behaviour that points to something dodgy then it's ok to check as a one off. Sleeping with phone under pillow when you never used to is not really normal. Everyone saying 'just ask him' - if someone is the type of person to be up to no good, they are also the type of person to lie to your face, minimise what they've done, or call you crazy and paranoid for asking.

And I don't check my partners phone