To look through DP's phone?

[hollyb11]

So i wouldn't usually do this BUT dp has been acting suspicious with his phone lately!

It's never leaves his side, he slept with it under his pillow, wont leave me alone with his phone and i can feel the anxiety coming from him when his phone is in my hand! He went out on the weekend and i noticed he has someone new following him on Instagram and he followers her (someone fairly "Instagram famous" from the area his office is and who i know goes to the same place he drinks after work) I only noticed this last night when he was sleeping and have been fuming ever since and planning to go through his phone tonight when he is sleeping as i know his pass code as long as he hasn't changed it!

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something! He follows lots of these Instagram famous girls from the area he used to live and still works and i think its all very sad a shallow. I've had enough now I let this man move into my house after only 7 months (we've been together for a year now) so feel i have a right to look through his phone and know whats really going on! I'm 29 and he's 33.

AIBU? Not that i care because i will be going through his phone regardless but feel like maybe my anger is getting the better of me right now.

That good for you Rachie but how would you feel if your partner started never leave phone around you and sleep with it under his pillow ffs!

Anyway i get what some people are saying and how its wrong to look through partners phone and trust is important bla bla bla. But i did trust him until all of this and now i don't so only one way to find out.

Your relationship sounds like an absolute shitshow. The fact you call it ‘fine’ is laughable... or would be, if I didn’t feel sorry for the fact you’re not happy. It’s only been a year, it shouldn’t be this hard!
Honestly, you can’t win here. You don’t trust him, and you won’t trust him. If you find something, well that’s suspicions confirmed and it’s over but if you don’t find anything, you’ll think you missed something, or he deleted it already, or it’s on another app etc etc. You’ll drive yourself mad.
I think you’re overreacting with the insta thing, that’s literally the point of it, to follow people, they follow you back etc. The behaviour with his phone is slightly odd tho, especially if it’s a recent change. That being said, I take my phone everywhere with me, even when I’m having a shower as I put music on. I’m certainly not having an affair. It’s not always suspicious.

Can't you just ask him to see his phone? If he says no then that tells you all you need to know. If he tries to manipulate you by crying then ask him if his privacy is worth your relationship.

I've never snooped on my DHs phone but if I asked to look at it for whatever reason he would hand it over. If he didn't have anything to hide...

Yeah you don't have a right to go through his phone. You sound resentful, controlling, jealous and vicious.

I think you should do him a favour and end it.

Can your phone go flat and ask to borrow his ?

You deserve a better life than this, OP.

He moved in far too fast and right from the beginning proved himself to be untrustworthy.

He's interested in other women. This is happening in your honeymoon period. Think about it - this is the best it will get. Don't you think you deserve more?

Well, no, you’ve never trusted him as, in your opening post, you say there’s trust issues from the very start
It’s completely wrong to snoop on his phone but I don’t think you give a fuck, so.. I don’t really know what you want anyone to say?

So are you going to drug him to get hold of the phone?

For Pete’s sake just end it! It’s all going to go tits up being like that anyway.

Why did he move in with you so soon? What were his living arrangements before?

Are you still going out together regularly?

If your relationship in general was fine, why is it an issue if he has followed someone on Instagram and she has followed him back?
DP has literally hundreds of friends and followers on social media to do with his car racing stuff and motorsport, and I'm absolutely certain that when he goes to some of the motorsport weekends he speaks to some of these followers and probably has drinks with them, and god forbid some of them are women that wear thise skimpy shorts and top things.... and, worse than that he often comes home and talks about them and who he has met.

But I trust him, it's not an issue and I feel no need to check his phone.

If you are at the point of snooping and there is no trust, do you really have a relationship?

Oh come on people, if your partner started acting suspiciously with his phone, the first thing you'd want is bloody evidence.
Most men when confronted will deny anything going on and use the old 'you're mad' line or 'I swear on the kids lives, I would never cheat'.
The posters who say it's violating privacy have probably never had a partner acting suspiciously....

I would check his phone but seems I’m in the minority. I look through DPs phone anyway which seems like other people view it as weird.
We both have full access to each others phones though with no hesitation so if that changed I would definitely be checking

Before you go through his phone, just think for a minute...
Are you going to be happy or sad if you find something?
Are you going to be happy or sad to not find anything?

You have no right to look through his phone, however you have the right to ask him why he's keeping his phone under the pillow. You have the right to be treated with respect. you have the right to be concerned. unfortunately it does rather sound that he's a boy rather than a man and perhaps he still is only capable of thinking with his little fella.

You're a year in, he's moved in really quickly and now he's being secretive and you're being suspicious and paranoid.

And you said:

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something

So it's a bit rich to get snappy at posters suggesting your relationship hasn't always been fine as you're now saying.

Because you said there have been issues at the start of the relationship and every time he goes out...

People can only go on what you've said. Be honest with yourself - if your relationship was in any way healthy you'd be able to ask him about this.

You say it's stupid to suggest doing that because he'd lie... in which case you must already know he is a liar who would lie about this because he's doing something he knows would upset you.

So surely you see that means this relationship isn't healthy? You don't need to check his phone and / or get arsey with people for telling you not to.

I've had a partner get a little (unwittingly) too emotionally involved with female friends. I quietly pointed out that I thought a line was being crossed, and why, and they immediately pulled back.

If I think my husband is getting a little too involved with his phone (almost invariably work) I ask 'what's up'? and get told. And I think he gets the message to lay off the phone attachment for a bit.

To the 'why not ask him' people. He's not exactly going to tell the truth if he's up to no good. Theres been thread after thread on here where they have lied over and over again. They're not exactly going to admit it are they. It takes ages to get the truth and even then most of the time not fully

So imo if someone is acting shady I would 100% look at the phone. I couldn't give a shiny shite if dh looked at my phone as I have nothing to hide

Can't you just ask him to see his phone? If he says no then that tells you all you need to know

I have nothing to hide but if my partner would come and ask to see my phone because they suspect I am doing something bad, not only would I say no. I would also request them to start packing or I would go pack. Again though. I don't believe in "relationships" with trust issues🤷

Tbf I sleep with my phone under my pillow and I've nothing to hide. I do it mainly so I don't have to get out of bed in a morning to turn my alarm off. And it goes back to days of living alone and wanting my phone to hand.

I would check his phone but seems I’m in the minority. I look through DPs phone anyway which seems like other people view it as weird.
We both have full access to each others phones though with no hesitation so if that changed I would definitely be checking

You look through your partners phone? There is a difference and a BIG one between access and actually looking. That's menatl

To the 'why not ask him' people. He's not exactly going to tell the truth if he's up to no good. Theres been thread after thread on here where they have lied over and over again. They're not exactly going to admit it are they. It takes ages to get the truth and even then most of the time not fully

So, again, back to no trust. What's the point. It's only a year in, and already there's no trust - why bother.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3806867-Should-I-be-worried

Look at this thread. If she hadn’t looked at his phone, she would not have found out and continued to live with him doing that.

@hollyb11 I’d have a snoop sorry, but I would.

I look through DPs phone anyway which seems like other people view it as weird.

Super weird, yes. Why?

I would have a quick look Op, but how will you get the phone from under his pillow?!