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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look through DP's phone?

195 replies

hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 16:24

So i wouldn't usually do this BUT dp has been acting suspicious with his phone lately!

It's never leaves his side, he slept with it under his pillow, wont leave me alone with his phone and i can feel the anxiety coming from him when his phone is in my hand! He went out on the weekend and i noticed he has someone new following him on Instagram and he followers her (someone fairly "Instagram famous" from the area his office is and who i know goes to the same place he drinks after work) I only noticed this last night when he was sleeping and have been fuming ever since and planning to go through his phone tonight when he is sleeping as i know his pass code as long as he hasn't changed it!

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something! He follows lots of these Instagram famous girls from the area he used to live and still works and i think its all very sad a shallow. I've had enough now I let this man move into my house after only 7 months (we've been together for a year now) so feel i have a right to look through his phone and know whats really going on! I'm 29 and he's 33.

AIBU? Not that i care because i will be going through his phone regardless but feel like maybe my anger is getting the better of me right now.

OP posts:
Cantwaitforsummer2020 · 29/01/2020 01:33

Why should he potentially get a happy ending?

Hope you're ok Wine

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 29/01/2020 01:39

I would pack his stuff up and either take them to his parents or to his work place and dump it all there. Then I would change the lock and lock his number on your phone.

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 29/01/2020 01:40

*block his number

evianskin · 29/01/2020 01:54

I've been in exactly the same position. Went through the phone when he was sleeping and was literally shaking with anger when I saw the Instagram messages. Be thankful you don't have kids together!! If I was in your position, as hard as it may be, I wouldn't say anything at all, act as normal as possible, then send him a text while he's at work saying that it's not working out and you want to split up. Pack his stuff, be cool. That will fuck with his head the most. If you confront him he will just lie and make up some excuse. Either do that, or go get the heaviest frying fan you own and slam it on his head while he's asleep...obviously I'm joking...half...

You'll get through this. Take photos of all the messages etc with your phone so you have it as evidence for yourself and it's something you can look at to remind yourself what a shitbag he is in case you get tempted to forgive him.

They never change and if he's done it once, he will do it again. My ex was super attentive, great father etc, so it totally threw me when I found everything but I just had a feeling. Nothing will ever be the same if you continue being with him. The lack of trust will eat at your relationship and your self confidence. You have got this. It's happened in the first month of this year, that's a good thing. You can start afresh now :-)

Original poster
hollyb11 · 29/01/2020 02:25

Thank you for the replies :)

I feel ok just my adrenaline is still going so can't sleep. Don't even want to be breathing the same air as him but i'm not sleeping on the sofa so just let him have his last night sleeping peacefully in my bed before he has to go and find and a bnb tomorrow hehe. I just keep looking at his face and wanting smack him one so f*in hard but really don't want all the drama tonight would rather pack up his stuff when he isn't here. It will be going in the bin shed tomorrow where he belongs with the garbage :)

I've already taken my house key off of his set of keys, he wont realise when he leaves he only shuts the front door never locks it so at least i wont have to change the locks. Blocked him on all social media but haven't yet on phone as he always messages me as soon as he gets to work so don't want him to realise right away.

Sorry that you've also been in this situation evianskin its shit! And yes I am glad its happened now rather than years and kids later.

Going to try get some sleep x

OP posts:
Cantwaitforsummer2020 · 29/01/2020 02:32

Good thinking by taking your key off his now! Well done.

Excellent suggestion to mess with his head and tell him you don't think it's working out etc.

Good luck Thanks

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 29/01/2020 02:54

@evianskin that’s what I’d do - I wouldn’t mention the cheating at all. I’d just say I’d gone off him/it wasn’t working out/bored of the relationship/something similar. He will deny cheating, have a go at you for looking at his phone and tell everyone you’re mad and think he’s cheating cos he follows a woman on IG of you say it’s cos he’s cheating.

Stephminx · 29/01/2020 03:09

Sorry you’re going through this.

I would just give you some advice for the future... perhaps don’t move someone into your home so quickly before you get to know them, especially if there is some “incident” which affects your trust in them.

Take some time, get to know them (and trust them) and then consider moving in.

I do believe however you have no right to check his (or anyone else say) phone unless you have permission. You may have been proven right this time, but if you had been wrong there would have been “harm done” despite you claiming there wouldn’t be. It would clearly affect how the guy in question viewed and trusted you.

This guy may have been behaving suspiciously, but the adult thing to do would have been to discuss it with him. If he denied it and you didn’t trust him after your conversation, then that would be enough for me to end it - after all what’s the point if you don’t trust someone ?

You’ve rushed this guy in - god knows why - but that smacks to me of desperation / insecurity over finding someone. Perhaps work on this so you can take your time to get to know the next guy and decide that he’s worthy of you BEFORE you move him into your house.

Good luck.

Misskittyfantastico85 · 29/01/2020 03:33

Just out of interest, just in case I ever have an issue.... how did you work out it was her number? If there are no messages and the number is stored under a mans name, could it be a man? Could there be an innocent explanation?

kmammamalto · 29/01/2020 03:48

@misskitty that's what I thought!

Zoflorabore · 29/01/2020 06:14

What was his living situation before he moved into yours op? He can bugger off back there.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I always say to trust your gut instinct and intuition and it sadly has served you well. I hope you’re ok Flowers

YicketyYackMamasBack · 29/01/2020 06:18

Are you married?

My DP has always been very open with his phone, I’m able to just pick it up and make a call if he’s got more signal or he’ll just let me use it when my phone dies and I can’t charge it.

But he got clingy with it recently and noticed he wouldn’t let me use him phone and I got abit worries as it is so out of the ordinary.

Ashamed to say I checked it while he was in the shower.

He’s looking at engagement rings.. lesson learnt and I feel like a cow for A) ruining it and B) doubting him.

Raindancer411 · 29/01/2020 07:01

Well done for trusting your instinct OP. Out of interest how do you know it's her number under a mans name? Wasn't as clever as he thought

TeddybearBaby · 29/01/2020 07:02

Sorry to hear that 💐

FizzyIce · 29/01/2020 07:13

Maybe op found out just by reading his messages from people she hadn’t heard of and could tell by what was sent ?

thickwoollytights · 29/01/2020 07:13

how did you work out it was her number? If there are no messages and the number is stored under a mans name, could it be a man? Could there be an innocent explanation?

This

Ughmaybenot · 29/01/2020 07:22

For the people asking, I’d imagine she put the number into her contacts, checked it on WhatsApp and checked the profile picture. Might be wrong but that seems most likely.

RedskyAtnight · 29/01/2020 07:42

So he spoke to a person he's stored under a man's name on his phone twice? One of which was likely a drunken conversation judging by the time.

It really wasn't worth you checking his phone, you were convinced he was guilty regardless of what he's done.

LanternLighter · 29/01/2020 07:57

I’m so sorry OP.
You weren’t being insecure and luckily you trusted your instinct.
Sending lots of hugs, it’ll be hard but move onwards and upwards without that POS.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 29/01/2020 07:59

He just left for work non the wiser! Well he did keep asking what was wrong with me as i wasn't my usual cheerful self but I just said that i didn't sleep well and he didn't notice the key was gone.

My anger has gone and now i just feel sad :(

I found her number from checking his whats app call log her picture saved under the name Mike something cant remember the surname. Lucky i checked the call log as after a few minutes i felt guilty thinking there was nothing on his phone. He called her early hours when on his way home the night he met her and spoke again 10000% he has deleted messages. He is fairly full on when he likes someone so no way has he not been messaging her.

Our pictures are all over his Instagram so she had clearly seen that he was in a relationship. And just found out shes only 24 years old *eye roll

I'm not going to pretend that I haven't seen he likes to make out he's such a great person so will hurt his ego more that i found him out. Glad i found out now and not down the line before he could actually cheat but this is more than enough for me to be done.

I had known him for 2 years before we actually got together. He was in-between living situations and spent most of his time here anyway and to be honest i felt sorry for him that was why i let him move in but in my gut it didn't feel right it felt too soon then i felt like I couldn't back out. It is what it is now anyway moving him in so soon was a mistake but its my house so i thought why do i have to loose.

I'm going to tell him this afternoon when he calls and tell him to collect his stuff outside when he finishes work.

OP posts:
Sparklycrystals · 29/01/2020 08:02

Good luck OP, at least you found out what he’s like now instead of years down the line

Original poster
hollyb11 · 29/01/2020 08:02

He saved another women's number in his phone under a mans name and spoke to her that night and yesterday on the phone how on earth is this convincing myself that hes guilty. Sorry but in my world this is wrong and classed as cheating.

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyb11 · 29/01/2020 08:03

Plus after i found that i didn't even check his actual call log for that name wish i had now but felt like id seen enough.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/01/2020 08:05

Didn’t he have a password on his phone? That seems utterly basic for someone so protective over it.

Needadviceplz · 29/01/2020 08:10

Glad you got answers hope it goes smoothly as can.