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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look through DP's phone?

195 replies

hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 16:24

So i wouldn't usually do this BUT dp has been acting suspicious with his phone lately!

It's never leaves his side, he slept with it under his pillow, wont leave me alone with his phone and i can feel the anxiety coming from him when his phone is in my hand! He went out on the weekend and i noticed he has someone new following him on Instagram and he followers her (someone fairly "Instagram famous" from the area his office is and who i know goes to the same place he drinks after work) I only noticed this last night when he was sleeping and have been fuming ever since and planning to go through his phone tonight when he is sleeping as i know his pass code as long as he hasn't changed it!

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something! He follows lots of these Instagram famous girls from the area he used to live and still works and i think its all very sad a shallow. I've had enough now I let this man move into my house after only 7 months (we've been together for a year now) so feel i have a right to look through his phone and know whats really going on! I'm 29 and he's 33.

AIBU? Not that i care because i will be going through his phone regardless but feel like maybe my anger is getting the better of me right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 17:08

Thank you LanternLighter exactly my point.

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 17:11

Thank you Ooohthestats I have never looked through his phone or any ex's phones because had never been given reason to but now all these things keep piling up and there is no other way i'm going to know.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 28/01/2020 17:11

Definitely check his phone, no two ways about it!

Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 17:13

If you don’t find anything then it’s not going to make you feel better.

To be honest if I knew my partner was itching to inspect my phone then it wouldn’t be leaving my hand either as a point of principle.

Inappropriatefemale · 28/01/2020 17:14

Meant to add how the hell will you get a hold of his phone if he keeps it close to him the way he does?!Confused

user163578742 · 28/01/2020 17:14

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something

Yeh sounds really healthy.

You do not have the right to go through his phone. Just like he doesn't have the right to go through yours.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/01/2020 17:15

I wouldn't not look because of some moral high ground... but I wouldn't look because there's no winning from this point on.

Let's say you look and you find he's been sending messages to someone else. You're upset, you either ask him to stop or leave him, right?

Okay, so let's say you look and find nothing. You might feel a little bit immediately reassured... but he's still being weird with his phone. How do you know he hasn't deleted the conversations? Or used a secret app? There are many ways to hide things on a phone...
So the reassurance doesn't last long, and he survives another night because you didn't find anything damning... but realistically, you're going to look again, because you can't be sure that he isn't hiding something from you. He's behaving that he is, and his phone won't be able to prove that he's not.

Eventually you end up living in a state of anxiety, checking his phone pretty frequently just incase, because you need it now, it's become a crutch of reassurance.

If you don't trust him, you need to work on why. It seems that he does a few things that aren't compatible with relationships for you... being secret about his phone, chatting to people from the gym on Instagram, and whatever he did initially that upset you. Talk about those things. Come to an agreement. Right now you're saying they are unacceptable to you but letting him get away with them - so why should he believe that anything would be a dealbreaker?

Sparklycrystals · 28/01/2020 17:17

What will you do if you find stuff you don’t like on there?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/01/2020 17:19

You clearly don't trust him and his behaviour is well suspicious.

If it were me he'd be packing his bags. No trust, no point.

mbosnz · 28/01/2020 17:19

Well, yes, first I'd ask him, and ask to see his phone if I were still unhappy once I'd explained the changes in his behaviours that were concerning me, and was not feeling reassured by his response.

If he said no, then I'd pretty much take that as an admission of guilt, or certainly a lack of transparency and care about my insecurities and fears.

Yes, he's your partner. You don't own him. You don't have any rights to look through his phone. He is not a child who you may be able to justify looking through their phones because of your responsibility for their wellbeing.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/01/2020 17:22

@AnchorDownDeepBreath
Great post. Exactly the mental gymnastics that would occur.

RedskyAtnight · 28/01/2020 17:30

You should just leave him. No phone looking required. Doesn't matter if he's been doing anything or not.

you don't trust him or even much like him based on your first post.
Just cut your losses and split up.

Or ... put it this way ... what happens if you look at his phone and it's all quite innocuous? Will that miraculously fix your relationship? I don't think so!

thickwoollytights · 28/01/2020 17:32

Of course no one has the right to take someone else's property and look through it - phone, diary, computer

But if he's acting differently and weirdly and you'd rather know than just walk away on a 'gut feeling' - then of course you have to look at his phone/computer.

I don't see any other option, as asking him isn't going to help allay your fears

thickwoollytights · 28/01/2020 17:33

Great post @anchor

lvra · 28/01/2020 17:43

I'd check his phone, like you have said you haven't done it before and you are only doing it because of the suspicions you have because of his change in behaviour. If my husband felt it was necessary to check my phone on the sly because my behaviour had changed I'd be fine with it, as I'm sure anyone with nothing to hide would be. Good luck, I hope your suspicions are wrong 🤞🏻

FenellaVelour · 28/01/2020 17:46

You shouldn’t be sneaking around behind his back. If anything, you need to ask him to let you look. But if he reacts negatively it might not be because he has something to hide, it might be a response to your lack of trust.

Because ultimately, if you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship.

PixieDustt · 28/01/2020 17:48

Leave him? How can i leave someone I love just because of the way he is acting with his phone come off it who would actually do that!

Because you said he has disrespected you by doing what he is doing on Instagram....

FabbyChix · 28/01/2020 17:59

I can’t believe a grown woman is jealous of who he follows on Instagram and they are famous ha ha it’s like wtf... who cares we all have crushes on famous people. Mines Robert Downey jnr!

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 28/01/2020 18:21

@fabbychix they’re not famous though - they’re ‘insta famous’. So they’re ‘models’ and ‘influencers’ and ‘reviewers’ who live near him, drink where he drinks etc. Very different from ‘famous’ like actors who live in LA who you’d never meet!

ilovesooty · 28/01/2020 18:26

You don't have a great relationship - you don't trust him.
If you're reduced to snooping and looking on his phone you might as well end it.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 18:36

I'm not meaning that he's just following this girl randomly she has also followed him back so obviously on the weekend they met at the place he drinks as he mentioned that some of these girls go to this place.

So this isn't just a random thing they have obviously spoken and decided to follow each other which i'm sorry I think is wrong!

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Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 18:38

And she isn't someone she is friends with

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Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 18:38

You don’t know they have met just because they follow each other.

Honestly, you are putting WAY too much thought into it. Stop stalking his Instagram,.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 18:39

100% they met on that night he went out they were both there!

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Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 18:41

Even if they did, it doesn’t mean he is cheating on you with her. Get a grip.