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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look through DP's phone?

195 replies

hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 16:24

So i wouldn't usually do this BUT dp has been acting suspicious with his phone lately!

It's never leaves his side, he slept with it under his pillow, wont leave me alone with his phone and i can feel the anxiety coming from him when his phone is in my hand! He went out on the weekend and i noticed he has someone new following him on Instagram and he followers her (someone fairly "Instagram famous" from the area his office is and who i know goes to the same place he drinks after work) I only noticed this last night when he was sleeping and have been fuming ever since and planning to go through his phone tonight when he is sleeping as i know his pass code as long as he hasn't changed it!

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something! He follows lots of these Instagram famous girls from the area he used to live and still works and i think its all very sad a shallow. I've had enough now I let this man move into my house after only 7 months (we've been together for a year now) so feel i have a right to look through his phone and know whats really going on! I'm 29 and he's 33.

AIBU? Not that i care because i will be going through his phone regardless but feel like maybe my anger is getting the better of me right now.

OP posts:
BengalGal · 28/01/2020 20:02

Go ahead and snoop. You really want to. He clearly is hiding something— the tears when you asked him told you that. Then tell him you know something has changed. Can he please tell you what it is. He will probably cry again. This kind of stuff in the first year together does not bode well. He should probably move out. You deserve more.

Cantwaitforsummer2020 · 28/01/2020 20:03

@FabbyChix Oh yeah, because he's going to be open and honest isn't he?!

NYCDreaming · 28/01/2020 20:19

I would snoop in those circumstances. He's acting in an untrustworthy manner. People cheat all the time, what level of suspicious behaviour are you supposed to ignore before you're allowed to find out if he is unfaithful?

I think though that even if I didn't find anything on the phone I would still be having a long chat the next day about his behaviour around the phone and how it made me feel.

I do suspect OP that you will find the password changed.

VenusTiger · 28/01/2020 20:22

OP I've just read through your posts and it appears (even from the last line of your OP) that you're already decided - so go snoop. You already don't trust him, as you have "suspicions" that aren't exactly positive. You are looking for encouragement from MN not advice.
Also, you realise that trust is the foundation, the very thing you build a relationship on? No trust, no relationship, as what's the point in him sleeping on his phone (even if it's innocent but he's worried you'll take offence to something) and what's the point in you walking on egg shells and checking his phone without him knowing.

It seems to me, he's acting like a single man - following young girls on instagram, I mean come on! If you had kids together would he do this? Would you be okay with it? Would he suddenly grow up, commit and stop making you perform the 'pick me dance'.

Gemm83 · 28/01/2020 20:38

Morally you haven't got a leg to stand on....

If it was me however whilst I knew I shouldn't do it, curiosity and paranoia (have huge overthinking issues) would always win the day, even though I would feel like a complete shit whilst doing it!!

Skittlesss · 28/01/2020 20:55

I’m sorry, but I would definitely leave him. He’s following people. That is fucking weird. Why would you want to live with a stalker?!

AmelieTaylor · 28/01/2020 20:55

I would have snoooed, I did (with an Ex LTP AND @AnchorDownDeepBreath is right. The read her post & really think about what she said.

It’s not insecure to think your partner shouldn’t want to be following ‘insta models* & the like. But then I
Prefer relationships with actual adults.

Fivetillmidnight · 28/01/2020 21:01

If you feel that he is not what you want him to be the LEAVE HIM...

No ifs, no buts .. just leave..

Snooping is a violation of privacy.

Just say what you mean.. if he doesn't want to show you then you have your answer...

Don't be that paranoid gf..

There are NO RULES !!!

You never HAVE to stay in a relationship you are not happy in.

Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 21:05

Skittless What do you mean? It’s Instagram you are supposed to follow people!! I follow men and women both younger and older than me.

AllergicToAMop · 28/01/2020 21:14

Skittless was obviously jokingGrin

I hope

Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 21:15

Hopefully😂

AllergicToAMop · 28/01/2020 21:24

Tbf anything is possible here😂

steff13 · 28/01/2020 21:35

I'd end it. He moved in too quickly, you're already having trust issues now and at the beginning of your relationship. If you snoop and find nothing, how long will it be before you're questioning him again? Maybe you're just not suited. It's a one-year relationship, not a 25 year marriage; just break up with him.

jimmyjab · 28/01/2020 21:44

@Allergictoamop but surely if you were acting suspicious like the OP's partner you would expect to be questioned by your OH? If my DH's behaviour changed in this way I think I would be within my rights to ask him what's going on and for him to prove it's nothing sinister by showing me his phone.

I don't think blind trust, which is what you described, is possible in any relationship. Why would I trust him when he's acting so shady?

Of course if he wasn't acting suspicious to begin with then I wouldn't ask to see his phone.

OP I hope you get the answers you're looking for, you'll feel better if you try to discuss it with him first. As others has said not finding anything will only make you feel better for a short time.

EASUYA · 28/01/2020 21:45

OP. Would he fall for the whole "my phone has run out of battery" malarkey?

Imperialmeasurements · 28/01/2020 21:48

If I was suspicious, I’d look. And I certainly wouldn’t feel guilty about it.

Sparklycrystals · 28/01/2020 21:51

I’d look too. It’s maybe not right but cheating is worse and I can’t stand the thought of being oblivious to it, I’d need to find out somehow. I do think this relationship sounds doomed either way though

ilovesooty · 28/01/2020 22:09

Well you're obviously going to look whatever the responses on here.
Anyone who did what you're planning rather than discussing it with me like an adult would quickly become an ex partner as a matter of principle.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 29/01/2020 01:16

Well i was RIGHT!!!

I'm shaking with anger writing this!!!!! And now cant sleep! He has the Instagram girls name saved in his phone under a mans name. He called her that night on his way home at 3am and they spoke for 20 minutes they then spoke again yesterday on the phone! He also googled her that night googled her height and net worth wtf

No messages on whats app so hes obviously been deleting them. I just want the dog out of my house he's still sleeping so just going to wait util he leaves for work and pack up all his stuff.

Moral of the story ALWAYSSSSSS trust your intuition but i feel this situation was more common sense

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyb11 · 29/01/2020 01:19

Pressed post before i had finished...

was more common sense than anything. No one hides their phone for no reason and to everyone on here saying I was insecure that he was following this girl there you go clearly not as insecure as you thought!

OP posts:
looondonn · 29/01/2020 01:20

I'm so sorry

At least you now know

GET RID
Move forward and never take him back

Original poster
hollyb11 · 29/01/2020 01:21

What do i do now? I'm not going to say anything until tomorrow but just want him gone as don't want to deal with his tears. Do i pack up his stuff and let give it to him tomorrow?

I don't want or need an explanation just want him out of my life :(

OP posts:
looondonn · 29/01/2020 01:26

Can you wait until he goes to work
It will be so much harder when he is around and trying to explain. To him

Put on a good front in the morning and when he leaves get everything into bin bags
Text don't call him
Ask for the keys to be put through your door when he collects his belongings from outside
Sorry you are in this position
At least. You know now not a few years down the line

Cantwaitforsummer2020 · 29/01/2020 01:28

I'd be waking him up now and kicking him out!

So sorry OP WineThanks

Cantwaitforsummer2020 · 29/01/2020 01:33

I'd also be messaging her once he's gone, to be letting her know what a cheating scumbag he is!

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