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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look through DP's phone?

195 replies

hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 16:24

So i wouldn't usually do this BUT dp has been acting suspicious with his phone lately!

It's never leaves his side, he slept with it under his pillow, wont leave me alone with his phone and i can feel the anxiety coming from him when his phone is in my hand! He went out on the weekend and i noticed he has someone new following him on Instagram and he followers her (someone fairly "Instagram famous" from the area his office is and who i know goes to the same place he drinks after work) I only noticed this last night when he was sleeping and have been fuming ever since and planning to go through his phone tonight when he is sleeping as i know his pass code as long as he hasn't changed it!

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something! He follows lots of these Instagram famous girls from the area he used to live and still works and i think its all very sad a shallow. I've had enough now I let this man move into my house after only 7 months (we've been together for a year now) so feel i have a right to look through his phone and know whats really going on! I'm 29 and he's 33.

AIBU? Not that i care because i will be going through his phone regardless but feel like maybe my anger is getting the better of me right now.

OP posts:
forrandomposts · 28/01/2020 18:43

Op either you trust him or you don't. And either you have a good enough relationship to talk to him or you don't. There's no middle ground, at least not one that's healthy.

If a boyfriend looked through my phone rather than talk to me, I'd end that relationship. There's no going anywhere without trust

WifOfBif · 28/01/2020 18:48

This is not a healthy relationship and you are coming across as paranoid and jealous.

You have no right to go through your partners phone. Ask to see his phone if you must and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know but to be honest this relationship sounds dead in the water regardless.

littlepaddypaws · 28/01/2020 18:48

i wouldn't tolerate dh looking at my phone to check it nor would i look at his phone unless he said i could, we have a mutual trust in each other and shock gasp, we actually talk to each other about concerns or problems arising. it's served us well for the last 19 years.
more people should try it it works, just listen to each other, simple.

Tombliwho · 28/01/2020 18:48

You don't have a right to go through his phone.
You don't have a great relationship.
Even if this occasion seems all above board you'll find something else to start on. That much is obvious.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 18:49

Talking to him isn't going to bring anything to light.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 18:50

So leave him. Ask him to move out because this is driving you mad.

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 18:54

I would look through my DH’s phone if he started acting like this, I think most people would. He’s behaving extremely suspiciously so of course you’re concerned, anyone would be.

What I will say is when I read this have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship, alarm bells started ringing. Did he cheat on you? If he has form for cheating, he probably is doing it again.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 18:58

Our relationship in general is fine you cannot possible judge my whole relationship based on this on this thread.

If it wasn't for how his been with his phone I wouldn't even be posting on here and this Instagram follow just made me snap and think I need to find out why he's being so secretive.

Why would someone who has nothing to hide sleep with their phone under their pillow? I've never done that and only would if i didn't want someone to get hold of my phone. Oh and when I confronted him about this (as this was a few weeks ago) he just started crying saying i was accusing him! Why cry? And i'm sure if i bring anything up again i'll get the same reaction so no point just asking him outright.

OP posts:
TooLittleTooLate80 · 28/01/2020 19:07

Are you saying trust isn't important then? You trust him or you don't so your relationship can't be "generally fine".

FenellaVelour · 28/01/2020 19:11

“Other than his suspicious behaviour and the complete lack of trust which is making me paranoid to the point I’m going to snoop through his private phone, the relationship is fine”

Hmm
Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 19:14

Other than his recent behaviour that has mad me feel like he can't be trusted yes the relationship has been fine.

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 28/01/2020 19:14

Our relationship in general is fine

People whose relationships are fine do not feel the need to snoop on each other.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 19:17

And i don't believe in trusting someone blindly when you notice things right in front of you. I'm not the insecure type never have been never will be! This isn't coming from insecurity it's coming from seeing changes in his behaviour with his phone!

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 28/01/2020 19:20

I’d be checking!

AllergicToAMop · 28/01/2020 19:20

Leave him? How can i leave someone I love just because of the way he is acting with his phone come off it who would actually do that!

Yeah. It's not just because of that. It's also because of whatever he apparently did at the beginning of the relationship and the fact that you don't trust him so much that you actually are posting about it online.

Where there is no trust, there is no hope.

I will never understand why people think
1-looking through someone's personal things is ok (unless you have a warrant)
and 2- staying with someone you don't trust is just fiiiine

Also. You ARE insecured

Divebar · 28/01/2020 19:21

I think most people would

Nope. Stop speaking for the entire world. There isn’t even agreement on this thread let alone “ most people”. You could potentially be committing criminal offences OP if you do it but why let that put you off? 🤷‍♀️

AllergicToAMop · 28/01/2020 19:21

*insecure

Rachie1973 · 28/01/2020 19:23

You still don’t have the right to snoop. Your relationship isn’t fine. It’s riddled with distrust.

I have plenty of males on my FB list. I have never ‘cheated’ with them. I have however spoken to them about various subjects over the years.

My DH has ladies on his friends list. He sometimes chat with him.

We trust each other.

Original poster
hollyb11 · 28/01/2020 19:24

I'm sure there has been plenty of women who think their relationship is fine and then find out their partner is up to no good.

I let this man move into my home and obviously wouldn't have done so at the time if I would have seen this behaviour so as i keep repeating everything was fine up until a few weeks ago.

OP posts:
AllergicToAMop · 28/01/2020 19:25

Your relationship is not fine tho...

Nicknacky · 28/01/2020 19:26

To be honest, if my partner was as paranoid as you my phone would be with me all the time. Why should my privacy be violated while I’m asleep just because of follows on Instagram?

AllergicToAMop · 28/01/2020 19:26

You are calling him "this man" in here. Just do both of you a favour and end it. Do you seriously want you both be in a relationship with no trust?

mbosnz · 28/01/2020 19:27

I don't trust someone blindly. I talk to them about it. I tell them what I'm observing, and how this makes me feel. I give them the opportunity to put their side of things to me.

Boohoohooing on his part and wails that 'I didn't trust him/was accusing him', wouldn't divert me from inviting him to give me real evidence not to be feeling worried. Particularly not if he'd already given me reason for having low levels of trust in the first place.

But a feared betrayal of trust does not, to me, equate to me being entitled to breach another adult's privacy, which you are doing when you snoop through his phone without his consent.

And I think you saying you'd be fine with it if the positions were reversed is perhaps a bit disingenuous - you'd most likely be outraged he didn't trust you and had breached your privacy.

FabbyChix · 28/01/2020 19:27

Why not ask him how comes he is all of a sudden sleeping with his phone what’s he hiding come on just ask him

HappyHammy · 28/01/2020 19:28

You want to look through his phone so just do it. Thats your choice. What will you do if hes been up.to.no good. .Maybe he sleeps with his phone under the pillow because he knows you want to snoop. What happens if he wakes up when youre going through it.