to be pissed off with this everyday sexism

[EmJay19]

So my MIL (and other family members) send cards
‘To Mr & Mrs J Bloggs’ for example, even though my initial isn’t J. What’s the sense in this? Wondering if she would do this if she had a daughter.
What are your everyday sexism bugbears?

I absolutely hate women being addressed on letters by their husband's initial. I understand it has been etiquette in the past, but the sexism in this is extremely clear and I really don't think it is ok these days.

My other bug bears have been filling myself in as the lead person on out mortgage and receiving it back to find dp as the lead person.

Forms that give no options other than Miss or Mrs.

Colleagues asking me about whether dp is "babysitting" if I go away overnight. No one asks men this.

@MilkTrayLimeBarrel

but will change my passport when it expires, only because it makes things easier when you go on holiday, particularly to the Middle East! in the middle east, arabs do not change their names to their husband's so that is nonsensical.

tulips
If both people are Drs and have the same name the “correct” way is “Drs Smith”
Only found that out when we bought a house and that’s how all the letters from the solicitor arrived.

For Christ sake, using someone’s name is base level respect and politeness. Some idea of what’s polite and correct etiquette based on rules MEN made that dismisses a woman’s name because they don’t see women as full human beings is incredibly outdated. Women can speak for ourselves these days, and most of us don’t like it.

I think this is one of the areas of manners where it is difficult to win because you will always be wrong to some. Like the perennial shoes on/shoes off debate. For every person who thinks it rude to keep your shoes on indoors, there is another who thinks it very rude to go into someone else's house and take your shoes off. Neither are wrong, but they're never going to agree, and there isn't really a compromise in the middle.

I don't particularly want to be addressed as Mr & Mrs Husbands Initial Surname but I wouldn't say it offends me. Whereas my elderly mum would be hurt not to be referred to that way as in her eyes it is important and correct. Similarly I am all for the option of Ms but she finds it rude and inappropriate.

Whilst I am all for stamping out what I see as sexist use of language/etiquette, it's not my place to tell people who do like this form of address that they are wrong. I don't think hurting the feelings of elderly widows, for example, is something I want to do just to prove my point. It's a minefield.

Its just what you’re supposed to do

Oh yes and women should always respect what a bunch of sexist men tell us we’re “supposed” to do, even give up our own names.

My mum hated it, felt it erased her as a person. She was in her early 50s when she told me she wished she'd felt it was an option to keep her surname (she got married in '65, village community, not exactly forward-looking).

And for heaven';s sake, PP, "Ms" doesn't mean divorced, it means my marital status is of no consequence to our correspondence. Just as Mr doesn't reveal the marital status of a man. Don't be so ridiculous.

I do this, and I'm 34. It's almost always to older couples who I feel might be offended if I didn't use the correct letter writing etiquette that was drummed into me as a child.
For friends and younger relatives, I address to 'The Surnames' or 'The Surname Family.'

Yes, it's the old fashioned correct way to address envelopes (what are they?!).

Couldn't find the energy to get worked up about something so insignificant. Manspreading does it for me, as does mansplaining. That's when The Rage comes out.

I detest this too. I'm almost 50. I have argued with my parents about it, who insisted on addressing invitations to our post-wedding party this way (we got married abroad and had a party when we got back that my parents hosted). It's my mum who is a stickler for insisting that this is the correct way to do things. I didn't mind taking my husband's surname (though again, it was my parent's who were horrified at the thought I might keep my own. DH wasn't bothered either way). My tiny rebellion is that I refuse to open any post that is addressed this way. Always make DH do it as it is for him, not me. Even when I know full well that the contents are actually aimed at me.

I am lazy and address Christmas cards this way because it's quicker, ie Mr & Mrs A Smith rather than Mr A and Mrs B Smith.

But when I got married, although we were reasonably traditional in the invitation coming from my parents, I made sure that the invitations were from Mr Andrew and Mrs Brenda Cologne rather than Mr & Mrs A(ndrew) Cologne.

If I write to a married woman on her own I use her name, not her husband's.

I think some older women see being married as a status symbol of sorts. When we got married I wanted to simplify the table placings and just say Mr or Ms for everyone but DH said that his mum would get very offended if she wasn't Mrs, so we had to do Miss or Mrs (or Ms) for everyone.

I am lazy and address Christmas cards this way because it's quicker, ie Mr & Mrs A Smith rather than Mr A and Mrs B Smith

I see someone said above just write Mr & Mrs Smith. Good idea, I'll do that in future. Or even Mrs and Mr Smith :)

On everyday sexism, I found out yesterday that married women on Jersey need their husband's consent to fill in their own tax returns.

If you are a same sex couple, the younger spouse needs consent from the older one. Mind truly boggled.

My granny drilled all these rules in and made sure we understood the correct way to address a widowed woman and a divorced woman, so as not to give offence or appear ill bred.

I send birthday cards to my brothers addressed to Mr [sil’s surname] and a Christmas card to Mrs & Mr [her initial] [her surname]

Easier option - just don't send Christmas cards.

Or send a birthday card to "Sarah Jones" or "Andrew Smith" - no titles and initials required.

There have been so many threads on this very same point. Do we really need another one?

There have been so many threads on this very same point. Do we really need another one?

Presumably the people posting now are not the ones who have posted on previous threads; or if they are they want to post again

Why bother coming on to post on a thread you don't approve of just to tell everyone? No one cares.

I cant wait to marry dp and take his surname.

How is Mr Wickham? 😁

That is the correct etiquette,

dunno, used to be but i don't think it's taught like that now at Address Writing School

they are being polite.

they're being twats if you've asked them not to.

My SiL did this to me. Sent my birthday card to Mrs his initials his surname. I sent it back as Not Known At This Adress after asking her not to do it a billion times

so she stopped sending me cards, which is also ok

also all the PP with "it's not sexist it's tradition" are all aware that traditions can lead to sexist behaviour?

with large purchases (most recent being a car) if I'm buying and letters come addressed to Mr Bref they get sent back with a request to correct the database. Only one company called me to say "can't do that" and were heartily disappointed to hear "oh well I'll go to your competitor for my car then"

Funnily enough we're currently experiencing the reverse of this because we're having our kitchen gutted and rebuilt. And everyone concerned wants to talk to me about it. Even though right from the beginning - at the very first discussion in the shop we made it clear that i can't and won't and don't ever set foot voluntarily in a kitchen and that Mr Bref is the contact.

I agree with the OP. This ridiculous tradition has to die a death. However, it's the Princess Michaels of this world that I really feel sorry for.

Wow, I never knew mumsnet was so full of dinosaurs. It may have been polite back in the 70s, but random groping of women and knocking back whisky at a 10am meeting was also accepted back then too. It may be the formal way to write letters in books written by dinosaurs and old men but in no way is this polite in today's age where women should be able to expect equal treatment. Number 1 being, being referred to by their name especially if asked to do so. I do not have my husbands surname and the assumption that I share not only his surname but his initial too (effectively wiping my name out of the equation) would be the height of rudeness in my book and you'd not be getting an rsvp from me as you've not invited me. Surely the least a woman can expect is for people to get her name right? This pisses me off far too frequently. I fill out forms for school clearly stating my name and surname and title and generally I end up going from Dr sparkly banana to miss/Mrs groovy potato.

Something tells me you're not known for being a deep thinker.

There's no need to be twatty.

I'm 29, I write to Mr & Mrs J Bloggs if I'm writing to couples unless I know people don't like it or I know for they have kept their maiden name. I try & ask friends in advance so that I do get it right. I use Mr & Mrs J otherwise purely because it's the least clunky construction in that instance & I write mostly to older people who seem to quite happy with it. If someone doesn't like it, as long as I know, I'll change it!

I would personally prefer to be Mrs His Initial His Surname but we are all different.