to be pissed off with this everyday sexism

[EmJay19]

So my MIL (and other family members) send cards
‘To Mr & Mrs J Bloggs’ for example, even though my initial isn’t J. What’s the sense in this? Wondering if she would do this if she had a daughter.
What are your everyday sexism bugbears?

[MiniGuinness]

My own mother does this. I don’t even have his last name let alone his first name. I never mention it though because it annoys her more that I don’t, because she knows full well I never changed my name, but I am not as petty as her.

[TalbotAMan]

I know the rule but I have never used it. I use, depending on the context:

Mr J and Mrs K Bloggs

Mrs K Bloggs

J and K Bloggs.

Sometimes, when I know the woman but not the man (eg Christmas cards to a former colleague) I'll write K and J Bloggs not that with the price of stamps I send many Christmas cards any more

[CadillacRanch]

I don't get offended but it's a tiny bit presumptuous in this day and age. Women choose to keep their names for all sorts of reasons and it's not a given that they'll change it. I remember having quite a heated conversation with my aunt, who is otherwise pretty enlightened, who was incredulous that I wasn't going to take exH's surname. Her view jwas "if he's good enough to marry, he's good enough for you to take his surname".

Shortly after marrying ex husband, I received a cheque from an old friend of my mum's who had made out the card and cheque to Mrs Cadillac Bloggs instead of Miss Cadillac Ranch. I had never changed my name, nor ever intended to, and so whilst I was very thankful, and wrote to thank her very much for her generosity, I didn't cash the cheque as the bank wouldn't allow us to cash it - despite us having a joint account. She now probably thinks I'm really ungrateful because I didn't cash it.

On reflection I should have probably just changed the name on the bank account, but didn't think of that at the time!

[Boredisboring]

Can we also get rid of Mrs and Miss? What difference does it make if I am married or not? It doesn't increase my status or validate me in any way.

[Micsam89]

I'm 30 and when I got married 10 years ago, that was how I addressed the envelopes to my guests. I thought that was just proper etiquette. I'm in the minority though, I actually like when I get a formal invitation or letter from my grandma addressed as Mrs (husband's initial). I've never had anyone tell me they didn't like it, so didn't know it was considered sexist.

[Teateaandmoretea]

I think it's a specific MIL thing - because they are also Mr and Mrs Bloggs so to write it without the initial basically they are addressing it to themselves so they stick the initial in.

It's stupid but then I took his surname. Personally for a Christmas card I'd just write 'Claire and John' but older people tend to be more formal like it's a letter from a solicitor rather than a card. Bizarre 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Teateaandmoretea]

I personally get annoyed that my FIL comes to visit every Saturday and when he and DH go outside for him to smoke (FIL that is) he always states “time for boys club, no women or girls allowed” as a bad attempt at humour - he directs it at me and DD and then adds that DS can join them when he’s older. I bite my tongue because I know he’s not actually trying to ban me from going outside, but it winds me up no end!

I would be absolutely furious at this. Not because of the sexism against women but that he is implying he will be encouraging ds to smoke. Shocking!

[Headfull]

I’m so glad for threads like these. Until I got married it wasn’t even something I thought about. I ranted at my husband about taking his name and how sexist it was (he wasn’t fussed about me changing to it, but if we had kids I wanted us all to have the same name to make a ‘unit’, and there was no way he was changing to mine). And then having his initial used! I said something about using mine to my mother and she pointed out that by being Mrs ‘my initial’ headfull I’d be indicating I was divorced. I accepted it for a while but now it’s mr x and Mrs y whenever I address anyone. And don’t get me started on miss/Mrs also .... yet not one of my friends seems bothered, and all but one has taken their husbands name on marriage.

[SayNoToCarrots]

People saying get over it, it will die out, what about the three women in their 30s on this thread alone who do it? I am regularly forcibly Mrs D Husband-ed by women my own age, even when I have told them I am none of the above.

[Binterested]

The only good thing about it is that it reminds us how recently we were the literal property of men and how easily we accept being erased because it’s just protocol. Quite helpful.

[ColourMyDreams]

It doesn't bother me at all.

[LellyMcKelly]

Radical idea: how about calling people what they want to be called? That is a mark of respect and a mark of good manners, not assuming that women have any interest in being given their husband’s name. It’s really not that hard to write a name and address using people‘s preferred titles and names. If a woman is called Pat Smith on all her social media, and is married to someone called Frank Jones, don’t send her a letter addressed to Mrs F Jones.

[SympatheticSwan]

Yep my MIL makes a point of addressing things to Mr and Mrs x married surname. Even though I'm Dr maiden name!
Exactly the same here, only an ex-"MIL" and we weren't married. The interesting thing is that she's a leader of a minor feminist grassroots movement. Apparently her feminist views applied to everyone else BUT the woman who cooks and cleans for her son.

[curiousierandcouriser]

Well, during a wedding toast, the bride's mother referred to the couple as Mr and Mrs Husbandname despite being repeatedly told that the bride (her own daughter) was keeping her maiden name. There were a few eye rolls and sighs to that...

[Standrewsschool]

Doesn’t bother me.

[Yestermost]

To the posters who were taught this who are in their 40s and 50s where did you go to school? Mallory towers? I hope yhe rest of your schoolung was slightly more progressive!

[nettie434]

Personally for a Christmas card I'd just write 'Claire and John' but older people tend to be more formal like it's a letter from a solicitor rather than a card

Me too teateaandmoretea but I am amazed that it is still in use outside invitations from the Queen. If I were writing formally I would put both names, as in Mr Joe and Mrs Elvira Bloggs. In fact, I actually think it is only correct to refer to a woman by her husband’s first name when you are writing to the couple so it’s wrong when sending a birthday card.

It’s a convention that just doesn’t work any more when some couples, take one partner’s family name, while others don’t. What is the etiquette for same sex couples when one partner has taken the other’s family name? Which partner’s first name takes precedence? What happens to people who want to be Mx?

What matters is what people want to be called, not what we think they should call themselves.

[Yestermost]

Mind you having read my typos my schooling could have been better

[SoupDragon]

I was taught this as the correct way to address an envelope at school in the 80s. At some point in the late1990s I just ditched the initial bit and just use Mr & Mrs (unless they weren't Mr & Mrs, obviously!). Progress.

It will die out naturally.

[SoupDragon]

To the posters who were taught this who are in their 40s and 50s where did you go to school? Mallory towers?

Don't be ridiculous.

[Danetobe]

It will hopefully die out but not necessarily ... the return to old traditions seems to be in vogue. It pisses me right off. Also my MIL referring to the car that my DH and I share (and I paid for) as my DH's car. eg. 'can I leave X in Michael's car?', and our (shared) bed linen as mine! ARGH.

[Damntheman]

It's generational and I too hate it OP! I've taken to addressing letters to my friends as Mrs. and Mr Her Initial Her Surname for giggles, most of the men don't even blink but the occasional one has a small hissy fit before realising how silly he's being :o It's the small joys in the life!

[OhTheRoses]

Doesn't bother me but I'm nearly 60. I also have had a good career, was and am financially independent in my own right, and had capital when I married dh who at the time was skint so whilst I took his name I also had a pre-nup.

I don't think it's an act of day to day sexism, rather a matter of etiquette that has gone out of fashion. I know women in their 30s who like it and women in their 50s who hate it so the best thing to do is aim to cause least offence.

An every day act of sexísm is when the outpatient dept calls all the men to their apts as Mr John Smith and all the women as Jane Smith. Or when the estate agent asks why your husband isn't negotiating the deal. "Because dear man he trusts me to deal with our joint affairs. Do you want to have a little think about why I should proceed with these negotiations." Or the car salesman who when negotiating says "now Miss when you buy a car" all he heard was the line go dead. I didn't want the car as much as the house.