to be pissed off with this everyday sexism

[EmJay19]

So my MIL (and other family members) send cards
‘To Mr & Mrs J Bloggs’ for example, even though my initial isn’t J. What’s the sense in this? Wondering if she would do this if she had a daughter.
What are your everyday sexism bugbears?

[Miriel]

I'm in my thirties and remember being taught that this was correct. My response as a teenager was that it was sexist rubbish, and 'correct' or not, I wouldn't do it. I agree, it's annoying to see.

If a woman has changed her name, Mr & Mrs Bloggs is fine. Or Mr J. and Mrs K. Bloggs. Women don't take their husbands' first names when they marry, and thankfully they don't become their husbands' property either. They retain an identity other than 'wife of J. Bloggs'.

[Doobigetta]

I have friends in their 30s and 40s do this, because “it’s correct etiquette, you know”. Last I heard correct etiquette was about making sure you use correctly the title and name someone chooses, so they’re still wrong.

[whyamidoingthis]

@OhTheRoses - It was incredibly important to me that my family all had the same name.

In that case, using the mother's surname makes a lot more sense, particularly in the case of divorce.

[SunshineAngel]

My aunt does this, who's almost 70, but to be honest it's not something I see from anyone else. I would just put "Mr & Mrs Bloggs" I think.

[OhTheRoses]

I was born in 1960. My parents divorced. My name was different to that of my family. There was a stigma in those days. It was incredibly important to me that my family all had the same name. Most snarky comments came from drs, nurses, teachers, etc. Those in authority.

[cologne4711]

you'd not be getting an rsvp from me as you've not invited me

So if I wrote the envelope to Mr & Mrs [male name] Banana but the invitation inside said dear Sparkly and [male name] you'd ignore the invite?

[cologne4711]

if it was so awful why did you wait until you were married to change it

I guess it doesn't occur to people. And if it does, deed poll is a bit of a faff, and not cheap.

[cologne4711]

Funny how it's only ever women whose surnames are so bad that they change them

It's true. For example, why would you want to be called Mrs Pratt?

[MrsToothyBitch]

@pinkyredrose my friend with a bad surname changed hers on marriage but not before because she felt it was a bit Hyacinth Bucket to just change it. Plus everyone would still know WHY she'd changed it & comment. She "stuck it out until a legimate excuse to dump it that no one could question" (her words) came along.

Another friend put up with hers through uni but changed it upon entering teaching as it was unfortunate- said she would've kept it otherwise.

[Brefugee]

I had my name changed for me against my will (not as dramatic as it sounds, someone in the Orderly Room thought they were helping me and doing me a favour) so I have my DHs surname. It's fine, it really goes well with my first name.

I'm not a big fan of name changing, but then i had my dad's name. My mum changed her name on marriage for various complicated reasons but for her the biggest thing was a very common (maiden) surname that she didn't particularly like so she was happy to change.

As for Miss/Ms. I'm not entirely sure Miss does convey "i choose not to be married" as pp said, but each to their own. I'm Ms because i don't start conversations with male customers with "oh i see you're (not) married" (well nobody does but on a woman Mrs makes that immediately apparent). But then i haven't grown up in a society that thinks divorce is an evil thing to be avoided at all costs.

[pinkyredrose]

my maiden name was truly awful. I was thrilled to take dh's if it was so awful why did you wait until you were married to change it?

[whyamidoingthis]

@OhTheRoses - my grandmother married in 1934 and her husband took her name as his was forrin.

Fair play to him, although I suspect it was due to xenophobia experienced in their case. Still very unusual back then.

[Teateaandmoretea]

PP on this thread have said their mothers do it, or they do it themselves, yet it's a MIL thing

People love being offended/picking up on half a quote. I backed up exactly WHY a MIL would tend more to do it, even though they wouldn't necessarily for other people as they are also Mr and Mrs X. Just because someone of 25 also has a stick up their arse and someone else's great aunt Hilda does it is of no relevance at all.

[Comeonbabyyay]

MIL does this.
We have different surnames but she addresses stuff with X and Y Jones
I am not Jones

[Tombakersscarf]

How does being called Miss show that you chose your unmarried state? How does it distinguish you from the Miss next door who is desperate for her long term partner to marry her, or the elderly lesbian Miss on the other side?

[dementedpixie]

I dont see why you need to write an initial at all. Just use Mr & Mrs Surname.

[OhTheRoses]

I so agree with you @MISSNOTMS

[OhTheRoses]

whyamIdoingthis actually, my grandmother married in 1934 and her husband took her name as his was forrin.

[MISSNOTMS]

I have been with my partner for twenty years. Mortgage, two kids, very happy, just don't want to be married. I always refer to myself as MISS. MS to me implies ambiguity. I want people to know that I choose not to be married.

[isabellerossignol]

It's funny. I had posted upthread about how my father had insisted that I take my husband's name on marriage, and I gave in because I didn't want him to be disappointed in me.

But as a very underconfident twenty something, I was on some level glad to be rid of my name because it was extremely unusual. I was one of only a handful of people in the whole country who had my combination of first name and surname, and all I had ever wanted was to disappear into oblivion.

Now I am middle aged and bitterly regret it, but what can you do? I'm not changing it back now, because I want to have the same name as my children.

[Binterested]

Ask yourself how happy your husband would be to be addressed formally as Mr Susan Jones. It would be intolerable to most men. Even though they know we know they are not really called Susan.

[whyamidoingthis]

my maiden name was truly awful. I was thrilled to take dh's.

Funny how it's only ever women whose surnames are so bad that they change them.

[OhTheRoses]

But zsazsa my maiden name was truly awful. I was thrilled to take dh's.

[zsazsajuju]

It’s only when I came on mumsnet that I realized that some women are proud to be married (not married to a great man, just to be married). I am genuinely astonished that there are so many posts which claim calling women their dh first name isn’t sexist.

I’ve always called myself Ms and my own name. I really thought this mrs someone else’s name, someone else’s name would have died out by now. But no. And not cos of men, because of moronic women who think it’s a great achievement to get married.

[PositiveVibez]

I hate it with a passion, but accept it is just a generation thing (she is 78)

Utter rubbish.

My mum is 73 and would never address anyone with such sexist drivel.