Poorly baby and MIL visit, AIBU to keep them apart?

[TeenyQueen]

MIL invited herself to visit us this weekend. She visited us once previously when DD was a little newborn and that visit was stressful for me because MIL just wanted to hold DD constantly, regardless of whether I needed to feed her etc, and insisted on sitting right next to me when I did feed DD. In short she lacked some boundaries.

So MIL is visiting us again and DD has developed a nasty cold, she's snotty and struggling to breathe occasionally. Been checked by GP and told she just needs lots of sleep and feeding. DD is also due her second lot of vaccines on Monday so ideally she should be feeling normal by then.
AIBU asking MIL to keep a slight distance from DD i.e not cuddle her this weekend? She can still hang out with us and obviously spend time with DH but DD struggles to sleep at night and she's cranky during the day whilst she's poorly.
I should say that MIL sometimes lacks common sense, e.g. not washing hands before wanting to hold DD.

I worry about people who get angry at the thought of their baby being held by other family members. To see others, even their own family, being regarded as potentially baby stealing monsters and dangers to infants, just for a cuddle, is dysfunctional at best and abusive at worst - it's depriving a child of physical contact with people who love them.

Honestly op you sound like you have issues you need to work through.
I'm assuming this is your first baby?
Honestly this preciousness will pass.

Just let your MIL cuddle her grandchild! Your baby only has a cold and is in recovery.
You sound over anxious .

I don’t understand this.
OP posts asking if she’s being unreasonable. Gets told she is.
Op posts raising a totally different issue and stating she’s def not bu.
I’m sorry you’ve had a miserable time OP. I hope your baby gets better soon. I’m afraid I can’t think why you posted except that you were looking for validation. Perhaps you would do better talking to someone irl who has more detailed understanding of the situation and then really listening to their response.

I feel sorry for mil

@TeenyQueen you sound horrible, and low key xenophobic

Why on earth would you wash your hands before holding a baby? Do people you know hold them by their tongues?? Or randomly shove their fingers in the mouths of babes?
I bet you use that detol spray around your house and stuff in the washer too don't you.
It's those things that will increase the risk of being ill not exposure to some germs

No one knows the real situation.

The only thing I would say is that I am currently nursing a terrible throat and cough that my 6 to DN gave me last weekend.

When my sis wasn't careful enough she flouted the 48 hour vomiting rule and brought DN to a gathering at my home. We all went down like dominos with vomiting bug.

I've caught loads of stuff off my DN since she came along and it's more likely you'll catch something from a child.

Hope everything works out and that your baby gets well.

Hi OP
I can see both sides here. I remember being very hormonal after my kids were born, very sensitive, very anxious. I'm of Chinese heritage and my mum adored the babies, I'd never seen her act so playful and display so much adoration before! I can say also that she didn't stint on giving advice, or making it clear how she disapproved of things, and it really got too much to the point that I had to tell her to back off.

I regret it to this day! She only had our best interests at heart and I don't thin our relationship has been the same since :(

So that's the other side, don't say or act in anyway you may regret later. Hopefully you will be less anxious as time goes on and appreciate the love your MIL displays for your child. This is only her second visit in 12 weeks - in terms of grand parents' 'encroachment' on your space, that's peanuts.

Bonkers - you need to get help

Op I'm on page 3.

A 12 week old baby, in winter, with flu, norivirus etc going around, I would 100 % wash my hands before man handling a baby.

I'm shocked other people wouldn't tbh.
Of course as baby gets older and more adventurous, baby naturally comes across more germs. Would a sensible person want hand washing before going near a healthy 3 year old? No!

But an already sick new born? Yes. I'd expect people to raise their level of hygiene.
I expect the folks declaring your silly op are also shoes off on their carpets.. For dirt reasons... But wouldn't think twice about main lining bacteria to a vulnerable baby!!

Re your Mil... It's very tricky. I'd perhaps just say baby isn't well, sleeping and grumpy.. And come next week or in two weeks...

And after a good hand wash 😂😂have all the cuddles she wants!

Hey Op news flash for you. Your MIl has managed to raise at least one baby to Adulthood without braking them.. so showing her how to hold a baby is perhaps a little patronising.

Please let her enjoy her grandchild.. and for good sake UNCLENCH for 5 minutes.

I'm still at the Chinese comments tbh. Think you need to get a grip OP.

Totally ridiculous and mean, actually.

MIL did hold DD and tried to cuddle her but DD didn't like it and wouldn't settle, possibly because she is poorly and grumpy anyway or she just didn't like being held by someone who is a stranger to her. How does this make me mean?

And DD is still poorly, struggling to sleep and breathe at night, thanks for asking . We will postpone vaccinations until she's better.

Re being ridiculous for showing MIL how DD likes to be held, both DH and I were genuinely trying to help her because DD can be quite fussy and no one wants to see their baby getting distressed and crying uncontrollably if it can be avoided.
MIL didn't actually look after DH when he was a baby because DH and SIL were both sent to her hometown to be looked after by their grandmother. I'll get accused of drip feeding here. Maybe this is why she's a bit overexcited about DD.

OP unless your baby has a fever she will be fine for vaccinations.

I completely understand what you are saying and hope your baby is better soon. Your MIL should he more understanding as well and she shouldn't want to upset the baby

Maybe your MIL felt that she had no choice other than to invite herself since she's only seen her DGD once since she was born. How much longer should she have waited to see if you'd bother inviting her? She wouldn't be a stranger to your DD if you made a bit more effort and invited her to visit more often.

With all due respect @PositiveVibes11 hosting people with a newborn isnt exactly ideal esp if they arent the most helpful of guests. When family live far its inevitable they wont visit as much as if they lived around the corner.

Also forgot to mention over night guests is abit different from someone simply popping in for a cup of tea.

Does your dd have contact with any other adults, friends or relations?

We have never stopped MIL from visiting us, I just simply think, and DH completely agrees, that it's up to the person whose parent it is to sort out visits and other communications. I would never expect DH to invite my parents over and organise travel and accommodation. It's up to DH when he wants to invite his mum over. I did suggest visiting her instead but DH said he needs his weekends to recover from his demanding job, plus he still works from home during weekends to do admin. MIL lives a 5 hour drive from us so it's not a case of just popping over. Before DD was born we saw her maybe once or twice a year, she has visited us 3 times in the past 7 years.

I lived a 4 hour drive from my grandparents as a child and saw them maybe 3 times a year. That didn't stop me from being super close to them though, my gran still sends me postcards regularly. My parents live abroad and have seen DD once. They send her a postcard every month which I keep safe for her, my mum records videos where she sings and reads stories for her.

What would really help MIL bond with DD in the future is if she learnt to speak English, as it stands DD and MIL won't have a shared language (DH said he doesn't speak it fluently enough to teach DD).

So your DH can't converse with your MIL? If so, that's enough to teach her.

I sort of feel for her, if there was the cultural norm of the GPS raising the children while the Parents work. I know African families were that is the case and it's always sad when they don't get to do the same with their grandchildren because the world has now moved on, or they die young.

How does DH converse with his mum? My MIL speaks a different language. She only speaks to my kids in this language (well she does throw in a few English words here and there). My children are picking up a lot of her language. It's great. They also help her with her English.