Poorly baby and MIL visit, AIBU to keep them apart?

[TeenyQueen]

MIL invited herself to visit us this weekend. She visited us once previously when DD was a little newborn and that visit was stressful for me because MIL just wanted to hold DD constantly, regardless of whether I needed to feed her etc, and insisted on sitting right next to me when I did feed DD. In short she lacked some boundaries.

So MIL is visiting us again and DD has developed a nasty cold, she's snotty and struggling to breathe occasionally. Been checked by GP and told she just needs lots of sleep and feeding. DD is also due her second lot of vaccines on Monday so ideally she should be feeling normal by then.
AIBU asking MIL to keep a slight distance from DD i.e not cuddle her this weekend? She can still hang out with us and obviously spend time with DH but DD struggles to sleep at night and she's cranky during the day whilst she's poorly.
I should say that MIL sometimes lacks common sense, e.g. not washing hands before wanting to hold DD.

It’s so sad. A granny wanting to cuddle a grandchild is seen as a bad thing. What nonsense are we destroying family relationships with?

An infant with a cold will be much more comfortable being cuddled in a more upright position, it makes breathing easier. If you encourage her to hold the baby over her shoulder it might be more comfortable and you might relax a bit and get an undisturbed bath.

Let gran cuddle the baby. Ffs.

If she is buying facemasks I am sure you can ask her to wash hands and remove coat.

Stop being so precious/rude.

I hope my son doesn’t marry someone who is unwelcoming to his family in this way. You are being unreasonable - this is your husband’s mum , making her feel part of your child’s life is important to your husband and child. You are BU , for all the reasons people have already explained.

It wouldn’t cross my mind to wash my hands before holding a baby either... that’s not a common sense thing that’s a health anxiety thing.

Your daughter is ill. MiL isn’t. The only problem here is entirely of your own making.

OP do you wash your hands every time before you pick DD up?

Surely your MIL is more likely to catch something from your DD than the other way around at the moment? Also, maybe the baby will feel comforted by extra cuddles while she’s feeling poorly and wondering what these strange and horrible new feelings are, eg blocked nose sore throat.

Surely it’s more likely your DD will pass her cold onto the MIL?
If your DD is Ill and needs lots of cuddles a GM is exactly the person to help you and be happy to hold the baby for long periods isn’t she? I don’t see a problem with any of this tbh.

Just tell her when you need to feed the baby when she is round if she hogs the baby lol most grandparents do this it's just out of love and if you don't want her round just tell her you're not up to it. It's honestly not that big of a deal. I don't know why people find it so hard to just be honest and upfront.

I've heard on the news this morning that there are currently fewer than 10 confirmed cases of the corona virus outside China. To worry about this isn't a healthy or normal level of concern

“AIBU asking MIL to keep a slight distance from DD i.e not cuddle her this weekend?”

Yes yabu. She has a cold. Why on earth would you ban cuddling? To what end?

Washing hands to hold a baby is a thing?

Do you and your husband always wash your hands every time you pick your daughter up? Even if she’s screaming - “hang on, just got to nip to the bathroom first”.

Odd.

I also think YABU. Does your DH go to work? Do you go out during the day? In either of these scenarios you will come into contact with other people. Specifically singling your MiL out is very hurtful especially as you don’t see her often.

Her ethnicity has nothing to do with it.

I’m sure you will pop back with the big backstory as to why you don’t want you MiL around and this is your justification this week.

If the issue is about boundaries, you are clearly capable of having the conversation directly and kindly with you MiL.

This is all about kindness and it’s an attribute I’m sure you want your dd to have. Replace MiL with a friend and Dd with a toy... you wouldn’t allow your dd to not share a toy with a friend at a play date, so don’t be so unkind to allow your MiL to visit but not allow a cuddle.

It would have been kinder to cancel than let her visit & not cuddle imo.

Baby might appreciate cuddles if she's feeling unwell!

OP I think you have underlying health anxiety and this has lead you to make this visit a bigger deal than what it is - baby will welcome cuddles all very helpful in getting better.

When you need to feed/baby needs to sleep then put baby down. If you say baby is sleeping but as soon as it’s awake you can play/have cuddles I’m sure your MIL will understand.

Like other posters I would probably say if it’s a bad cold then check with your GP they might re-arrange vaccinations. I had a poorly baby in NICU and I suffered a lot like you with health anxiety so I can see the signs. All will be ok.

The poor woman has only seen her grandchild once in 12 weeks. The remark about "inviting herself round" is very telling. It doesn't sound like she's very welcome!

Washing hands to hold a baby is a thing?

Washing hands regularly should be a thing full stop.
I wouldn’t hold someone else’s baby without washing my hands first.

YABVU poor woman. One of the healthiest thing we can do for our DC is encourage close relationships with their GPs.

I can't imagine keeping ds from his Grandma / nana because of a cold!

He was seriously ill in nicu as a baby and they both came lots. If he's ill now and we're working he spends the day cuddled up to one of them. They've cuddled him through colds, sick bugs, scarlett fever...

If we go out and he sleeps over the respective grandad gets booted out of bed so he can sleep in with nana / grandma.

He's a rough / tough nearly 8 year old!

YABU to not let MIL who rarely sees her GC hold her when she visits. I think this is coming from a place of anxiety rather than meaness though. Asking for people to wash their hands before holding your baby is not necessary and your concerns about her carrying corona virus is irrational. It may be worth talking to your health visitor or GP about how you are feeling.

Why would MIL be any more likely to make dd ill than you? Travelling on trains doesn't make her ill, neither does her being Chinese.

I assumed from the title of the thread you were worried about MIL catching what dd has 🤷🏻‍♀️.

But there is nothing wrong with having your own boundaries but not letting MIL cuddle your baby at all isn't reasonable.

I'm a bit baffled by all this worry over a cold. Babies get colds and life goes on pretty much as normal but with less rest. Surely she can sleep while she has a cuddle off grandma.

I think you’re being really awful to her and using the cold as an excuse to stop her touching the baby - it’s her family , without her there would be no baby after all

You are mean - poor DH that you treat his mother with such disregard and disrespect

Wow. YABU. It's tough when babies are ill, I get that but not allowing your DDs granny to cuddle her isn't going to help. You sound very anxious, maybe you need to chat to your health visitor about your worries.

I had a very difficult 2 weeks when my MIL stayed when DD1 was 6 weeks. So I do get that your MIL might be a bit overbearing. Try and look on her as an extra pair of hands to help out.

If you don’t want her there this weekend you should tell her, just be firm, sorry it isn’t a good time. You sound pretty ott about germs though, I do understand that you want to protect your first born, but it sounds a bit extreme.

I’d cancel the vaccinations on Monday, if your baby has been poorly the previous few days it’s a little mean making them off again just as they are starting to feel better (if they are by then). I did that with my children anyway.