Poorly baby and MIL visit, AIBU to keep them apart?

[TeenyQueen]

MIL invited herself to visit us this weekend. She visited us once previously when DD was a little newborn and that visit was stressful for me because MIL just wanted to hold DD constantly, regardless of whether I needed to feed her etc, and insisted on sitting right next to me when I did feed DD. In short she lacked some boundaries.

So MIL is visiting us again and DD has developed a nasty cold, she's snotty and struggling to breathe occasionally. Been checked by GP and told she just needs lots of sleep and feeding. DD is also due her second lot of vaccines on Monday so ideally she should be feeling normal by then.
AIBU asking MIL to keep a slight distance from DD i.e not cuddle her this weekend? She can still hang out with us and obviously spend time with DH but DD struggles to sleep at night and she's cranky during the day whilst she's poorly.
I should say that MIL sometimes lacks common sense, e.g. not washing hands before wanting to hold DD.

When you go shopping etc how do you get your baby back into her car seat without washing your hands? Why do hands need to be washed, but clothes are okay?

Being Chinese isn’t infectious, I assume you or your husband have entered a supermarket before? If so, you pose an equal germ risk as your babies grandma.

It sounds like you have (irrational) health anxiety, have you spoken to your GP/HV about it?

I thought you were worried about MiL's health! At 12 weeks, if LO has kept you awake all night, why not give then their morning feed then hand over to nanna to cuddle for 2 hours whilst you have a cat nap? I know at that age I wanted someone watching DS when he was ill, and his nanna will wake you if he's sick/struggling to breathe

You're clutching at straws trying to think of reasons not to let your MIL touch your baby ... the fact she is Chinese (origin) and might give your baby Corinavirus is probably the most ridiculous think I've heard 🤣

Eh? Your daughter has the cold not your MIL

You sound like hard work OP.

Brace for the drip feed. "Last time she came to visit she rolled in a pile of manure right before she came to us, then licked DD's face and cackled like a maniac when I asked her to stop. She said she wasn't sorry and she'd do it again."

@tombliwho hilarious!!!!

YABU I’m afraid and totally OTT. You want to stop your baby’s grandmother from holding her because baby has a cold?

I have four young dc and it wouldn’t occur to me to wash hands to hold a baby either. It’s OTT and unnecessary. Your baby needs to develop an immune system and be exposed to normal daily germs! And if you’re breastfeeding she has a lot of immunity from that and from you so this is a great time to be building immunity. You’re being a bit batshit.

I don’t get why baby being poorly means MiL can’t cuddle her.

It would make sense the other way around.

Will you still cuddle your baby whilst she is poorly? Why is that ok but not for MiL to?

I feel a bit sorry for your MiL who just wants to get to know her GC but DiL is trying to keep them apart & I bet she has no idea why.

Your child already has a cold if anything your mil night catch it from her. You clearly don't like her for whatever reasons but yabu. Babies get colds, they get over them. Wait until nursery the first few months is a constant stream of illnesses. Most children like a cuddle with Grandma if they feel poorly and she hasn't got bloody Coronavirus because she's Chinese, unless she just got back from Wuhan you're looking for excuses.

Do you feel the same about other relatives visiting?

We do ask everyone to wash their hands before dealing with DD, this is something that wouldn't occur to MIL unless she was prompted to do so.

Clearly it doesn't occur to anyone else given you have to promote them too. Why single your MIL out?

The conronavirus thing is quite t point really - I do agree with others who wonder whether you generally have this level of health anxiety/

Your baby has a cold. One of many they will get (and if you happen to have a second when the first is in nursery, brace yourself!)

Yabu, your baby has the cold, not gm. Maybe she won't be so keen to hold a snotty baby. A lot of babies want more cuddles when unwell, so it could give you a break. You should cancel vaccines until she has recovered though.

Babies get colds, loads of them until their immune systems develop. I am always catching them off my DGDs. She won't be immunised Monday if she has one as the temperature may go up. If she has a cold give her some carpool and let granny cuddle her to her hearts content as she doesn't see her that often. Your DD may only want you though if she is poorly but that is another matter.

Calpol not carpool. Damn auto correct

I think you should let MIL visit and spend some time holding her grandchild. Their relationship is important too and I’m sure it’s important to your DP.

I also found it irritating when DD wanted to feed as a newborn and people didn’t want to hand her back, I think some people just forget how often breastfed babies want to be fed. But, with your OH help, I think you can set boundaries to make it clear that she hands her back when she needs you/ a feed.

Hope she’s feeling better soon, colds in babies are horrible for everyone.

It’s rubbish when your baby is poorly but if she’s definitely coming then you can’t try to keep them apart completely.

How she behaved last time wasn’t great and you need firm, clear boundaries this visit about respecting the baby’s space, not picking her up if she’s sleeping, giving her back when you want her or need to feed or change her etc. Giving you time to rest with her as you’re having broken sleep and are tired. That’s all normal and healthy and if you see your MIL being a bit more thoughtful and respectful hopefully you’ll start to relax with her more. Nothing wrong with saying you and the baby are tired and going for a feed/lie down in your room and letting MIL have some time with DH. Aim for balance.

Hope DD is feeling better soon.

I don't think you can expect MIL to be there for a whole weekend and not want a cuddle. She is travelling from another town specifically to see and hold and cuddle and bond with her DGC. This isn't a bad thing, is it?!

From your post this is only the second visit since your baby was born so it doesn't sound like she is particularly demanding or overbearing, just a normal granny who wants to have a cuddle. She might even be helpful!

Re handwashing before touching the baby, I can understand this with a newborn or a premature baby with immune issues, but babies put everything in their mouths and this helps them build up their immune systems. I think you might explode if you saw half the mud, leaves, twigs, shoes, toys, etc etc etc that have gone into my 2yo's mouth over the years!

@Tombliwho 😂😂😂

You really are being ridiculous.

Time to be honest with yourself OP, you don't like this woman. Please don't use your baby like that.

If your dd is ill and cranky, she may need more holding than usual. You might appreciate the help for your mil!

When my dc were teething, screaming the house down and wouldn't be put down, I was grateful of the gps coming over to help.

Unless there's a massive back story, I think you're being a bit precious...

I could understand if she was newborn and your mil had a cold; but your baby is the ill one surely it’s your mil that will catch it ? I totally get the holding them while screaming and trying to soothe when they need a feed etc and they don’t just give them back and pass them round like a toy. This used to really wind me up but I was so fragile after a horrific birth I couldn’t stand up for myself. Perhaps this has built up resentment ? It did for me , but I think I’ve dealt with it now. Think you’ve got some anxiety which isn’t your fault at all, How old is LO ? x

I assume we are not talking about a newborn here, or an immunocompromised child?
Grandma is more likely to catch something from the baby than the other way round,
Postpone the vaccs until she is better.
Obsessive handwashing is not necessary

I will respond properly in a bit. Finally got DD to have a proper nap in her pram, I leave the pram in the kitchen and join DH and mil in the living room. MIL then goes into the kitchen and starts making all sorts of racket, boiling the kettle etc and obviously DD promptly wakes up from her lovely, cozy nap! There's your loving grandmother for you!

Boiling a kettle, shocking how dare she! A kitchen isn’t a good place to expect a peaceful nap surely?

If she made noise making tea? Yes, that makes her unloving...

I think she’s a bit thoughtless. If that’s all you have on her you are just reaching.