Poorly baby and MIL visit, AIBU to keep them apart?

[TeenyQueen]

MIL invited herself to visit us this weekend. She visited us once previously when DD was a little newborn and that visit was stressful for me because MIL just wanted to hold DD constantly, regardless of whether I needed to feed her etc, and insisted on sitting right next to me when I did feed DD. In short she lacked some boundaries.

So MIL is visiting us again and DD has developed a nasty cold, she's snotty and struggling to breathe occasionally. Been checked by GP and told she just needs lots of sleep and feeding. DD is also due her second lot of vaccines on Monday so ideally she should be feeling normal by then.
AIBU asking MIL to keep a slight distance from DD i.e not cuddle her this weekend? She can still hang out with us and obviously spend time with DH but DD struggles to sleep at night and she's cranky during the day whilst she's poorly.
I should say that MIL sometimes lacks common sense, e.g. not washing hands before wanting to hold DD.

[SoupDragon]

What would really help MIL bond with DD in the future is if she learnt to speak English

Doesn't that work the other way too though?

[oblada]

Surely if DH can speak to his mum in his native tongue he can speak to his DD in this language too. It's a great asset for children to know other languages.
My kids speak my mother tongue (though not fluently yet), which helps in communications with my parents and mostly my grandma (as otherwise my grandma doesn't speak any English).
My MIL speaks very good English and my DH has been lazy with his own mother tongue so unfortunately our kids don't really speak that language, which is a shame. It means they can't communicate effectively with some elderly relatives from my husband's side.

It's normal for PIL to start visiting more once grandkids are in the picture in all honesty. My MIL didn't come to see us in the UK until my first child was due and now comes every year for 2 months at a time. It was tough to start with (for me and I guess for her too!) but we get along v well now.

[Cyberlibre]

I don't understand your last post. How come your DH doesn't speak his native language when you said he was sent over there to live when he was a child!? Surely he could speak it.
He could just speak to the baby in as much of the language as he knows. You sound mean and like you're purposely trying to cut off the grandmother. Your baby is half Chinese so it would be a lovely gesture for her to learn Chinese as it is part of her heritage.

[Lottiebugz22]

Waking the baby would definitely piss me off OP so I'm with you on that one I have to say.

[Limensoda]

You sound hostile towards your mil. 'Invited herself' ....wants to cuddle her grandchild a lot? Shows an interest....etc...like there is something wrong with this?
She is no threat to your child. Cuddling and holding is actually beneficial for your baby, especially when she is poorly.
I realise you think only you know what's best for your baby but I think it's more that you are bothered about what's best for you, not her.
I wish more mums would realise their child's grandmother, especially their mil,...is not the enemy, even if you don't like her personally or she gets on your nerves. As someone pointed out, yours raised your DH to adulthood successfully...She may not be perfect but without her, you wouldn't have him.
All mums think their baby is 'theirs' but surely not exclusively?

[Sirzy]

Let Granny teach her her native language When she is old enough - what a great bonding experience.

You rarely see her yet she has made the effort to travel twice in approximately 3 months when her own son can’t be arsed to travel to her. That’s not a bad thing

[oblada]

My own MIL "invited herself" to stay 2 months when my 1st daughter was due. She came when I was 38weeks pregnant. I hadn't seen her since our wedding 2 yrs before and I had only seen her twice in total by then. It wasn't ideal but I understood it and knew it was important for my kids to have a relationship with this side of the family. She is an extremely valued member of our family now and I look forward to her visits as the kids are over the moon when she comes.

[Yesterdayforgotten]

Well good for you oblada; unfortunately not so easy for everybody

[MitziK]

What would really help DD in the future would be if she were to learn to be bilingual (or even trilingual if we're talking Cantonese/etc and Mandarin) add in French/German/Spanish and you end up with somebody who is perfectly placed to take advantage of changes in the world, business, medicine, politics, trade and pretty much any other job you can think of.

Her Mum making her be a bog standard, monolingual British kid because she doesn't like Grandma wouldn't be particularly helpful for her future career aspirations.

[oblada]

Yesterdayforgotten - I wasn't easy for me. If I can do it others can definitely do the same. I'm not a saint, far from it. The MIL here doesn't appear to have even been given a chance!

[kittykatkitty]

So your Husband can't converse with his own mother and you think this is your Mil problem.
I really hope for the sake of your child that you get the help that you need op

[Mumtotwo82]

Poor Mil she just wants to bond with the baby

[TeenyQueen]

DD will be at least bilingual because I'm European and already speak my native language to her, she's got my nationality and will have an EU passport. Whether or not DH teaches her Chinese is completely up to him. I love how I'm called a horrible mum who is trying to alienate DD from gran because I'm not planning to teach her Chinese, I can't speak Chinese for goodness sake!

When MIL left us yesterday she didn't say anything about a future visit, in fact she's planning to spend a month in China this spring, so I'm certainly not depriving her of visits or trying to alienate her. I have found her visits stressful, however I've never said anything remotely unkind to her. I do moan about her, to my mum and on mumsnet. She made me feel extremely uncomfortable when DD was a little newborn, that's why she makes me feel anxious. Her behaviour on her first visit was completely inappropriate, hence I find it hard to relax when she's here.

[PuttingouttheFirewithGasoline]

Op I have a friend who is pregnant and Chinese Mil has already said she's coming for two months (tiny flat in China) to take over 😂😂.

She's dreading it.

I was desperate for help and support. Unfortunately my own dm was alive, tragically and Mil, who was around came at everything with an I'm better than you, I'll help this poor child etc.

So accepting her help with all its negative connotations, and undermining behaviour became impossible...

If she'd been truly kind and genuine.. I'd have continued to welcome her with open arms...

[PuttingouttheFirewithGasoline]

Ah was not alive... And Chinese Mil coming when baby is born.

[PuttingouttheFirewithGasoline]

I hope to bond with my future gc, if I make it to see any and if I'm lucky enough to have any!

Gc are a blessing and not an entitlement.
I shall always put my dds first in pregnancy and afterwards. I shall always ask them things first and not foist entire charity shops onto them, or be negative about their choices and ruin this precious time for my dds due to my own secondary selfish desires.

I shall offer up help but never foist it on them. I won't moan at them for bf.

I will offer advice if asked. I'd never undermine them especially post partum.
I will be respectful of their wishes and how they do things if I am asked to help out and baby sit.
I will not demand to cook cakes or do stockings or anything.
I will realise my dd are the product of their upbringing, I will trust them. Respect them.
And.... When holding or breathing over new borns I will most certainly wash my hands, not breath All over them with cold etc. I understand I may have an illness that hasn't presented itself yet.

I will understand I don't need to slobber and paw a new born with filthy hands to bond.
I understand the relationship is on going and that to be respectful of my own dd is the major key to the relationship with the gc.

[MitziK]

Multilingual but speaking a Chinese language is also lot more marketable than somebody only able to speak European languages - makes it possible for them to work in your birth country with Chinese clients/government, for example.

There are Saturday morning schools that offer just that - and they are very well subscribed, because parents see the usefulness of being able to speak the languages of all their family members.

[oblada]

Chinese is a very useful language. Much more useful that my husband's mother tongue (Tamil). Worth encouraging your DH and MIL to speak to DD in their mother tongue.

I think you need to give the woman a chance, it can't be easy for her either seeing you don't speak the same language. Cut her some slack and let the relationship develop.

[oblada]

Sorry should have said ' a Chinese language' is a useful language..... Duh! And I tell my kids not to say 'Indian' when referring to an Indian language...

[MadameButterface]

Oh dear op i do know how hard it is to get over family members putting you on edge when you have a tiny baby. That said i think you are being a bit harsh and dismissive of your mil, it sounds like she can’t do right for doing wrong.

Babies don’t stay tiny forever, they turn into little people, who need a bigger circle than just mum and dad. Your dd and your mil will hopefully have their own relationship which is nothing to do with you one day. It would be nice to try and allow them to bond in advance of this. Your mil was separated from her small children by circumstance once, that must have been hard for her.

Try and think of positives about your mil’s visits. Everything you’ve said about her is presented in the worst possible light, (eg, wanting to come into your bedroom in the middle of the night when you were trying to settle dd - is it possible that she wanted to see if everything was ok, if you needed anything etc?) but she sounds like she means well and wishes to be supportive, even if she gets it wrong or misreads your mood.

Try thinking of positive things about her. Try asking her what your dh was like when he was a baby etc, what it was like for her when she had her babies. Instead of having the hump with her and getting crosser and crosser when she tries and fails to get it right, ask her to do things and tell her what would help - eg ‘dd doesn’t like to be held when she’s fussing like this but she does like looking at her mobile with the lights, do you want to bring it over here and switch it on?’ stuff like that.