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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poorly baby and MIL visit, AIBU to keep them apart?

220 replies

TeenyQueen · 25/01/2020 04:05

MIL invited herself to visit us this weekend. She visited us once previously when DD was a little newborn and that visit was stressful for me because MIL just wanted to hold DD constantly, regardless of whether I needed to feed her etc, and insisted on sitting right next to me when I did feed DD. In short she lacked some boundaries.

So MIL is visiting us again and DD has developed a nasty cold, she's snotty and struggling to breathe occasionally. Been checked by GP and told she just needs lots of sleep and feeding. DD is also due her second lot of vaccines on Monday so ideally she should be feeling normal by then.
AIBU asking MIL to keep a slight distance from DD i.e not cuddle her this weekend? She can still hang out with us and obviously spend time with DH but DD struggles to sleep at night and she's cranky during the day whilst she's poorly.
I should say that MIL sometimes lacks common sense, e.g. not washing hands before wanting to hold DD.

OP posts:
Amanduh · 25/01/2020 07:48

Your baby has a cold so you dont want want her grandmother holding her?
V odd

Hercwasonaroll · 25/01/2020 07:49

YABU

If you're on the second lot of injections baby is at least 12 weeks. MIL is capable of cuddling a baby with a cold.

I've never made anyone wash their hands before holding my newborn. That's not something that falls under "Common sense" to me. I'd be a bit Hmm if someone asked me to.

Sirzy · 25/01/2020 07:50

Also while she is a cold she may actually get a better quality of sleep sleeping in someone’s arms as she will be in a more upright position

maccaroni · 25/01/2020 07:50

You sound ridiculous and as if you don’t like your MIL. It’s a cold, baby will get over it.

Gatehouse77 · 25/01/2020 07:57

I’m not sure I’ve ever washed my hands to just hold a baby...

Worried3456789 · 25/01/2020 07:59

This makes me so sad to read. Your poor MIL. You sound so mean, and totally unreasonable.

I have never heard such a ridiculous reason for someone not cuddling a baby.

Your baby is going to grow up to be really messed up if you try to exert this level of control about situations that aren't even 'a thing'.

bank100 · 25/01/2020 08:00

I think I am with you on this OP.
Your young baby isn't well and you're feeling concerned and protective. I can see why you don't want baby being passed over to anyone for long holds. And baby probably just wants to be on you, feeding etc.
Sounds like it isn't a good time for a visit but not a lot you can do if DH is insisting. He should be supporting you though, you have a tiny baby and are still adjusting. Could you stay in the bedroom & rest most of the visit.

Also handwashing after you've been on public transport is sensible. Especially if going on to hold a baby. Nothing wrong with OP wanting visitors to wash hands first.

Booboostwo · 25/01/2020 08:02

Your anxiety is very exaggerated. The corona virus worry is entirely unreasonable. The worse thing that can happen is that MIL will catch DD’s cold. Do consider talking with your GP about your worries, especially if you have them in other situations.

Thatched · 25/01/2020 08:03

Agree with the PPs that you come across as anxious. Cancelling a relatives visit because of a cold is not really rationale. Neither is insisting on all the handwashing.

For context, do you wash your hands after buying something in a shop, before touching your DD? You would have likely touched a door handle, products probably handled by others, the cashier or screen on self service machine. The opportunity for bacterial spread is huge in that situation alone.

You are a parent, in a house, with a baby with a cold. All perfectly normal to have people about and healthy for you, the baby and the relationships they are fostering with others. You are not in a hospital ward with an immunosuppressed child. There is no need to ban visitors and exercise such strict infection control.

Goldwispa · 25/01/2020 08:03

Hi. When I had my first child I was so worried about baby getting poorly so I would ask people to wash their hands before picking baby up. I would avoid going places in case baby picked a bug up, it was really stressful. I had a second child 9 years later and I didn't have as severe worries about baby getting poorly and it made me think I could have done with mentioning my concerns to my GP after my first child, as getting a bit of help with it would have made me feel more relaxed and happy but at the time I just thought every new mum feels like me. I understand how you're feeling.

Stephminx · 25/01/2020 08:03

Agree with @TartanMarbled.

Is this a PFB by any chance ?

oblada · 25/01/2020 08:03

I would get asking MIL not to come if MIL is poorly but can't understand how baby being poorly would stop MIL holding it.. I've never thought of washing my hands before holding a baby either, that seems a bit OTT in my view.

Thatched · 25/01/2020 08:04

So yes, YABU.

AJPTaylor · 25/01/2020 08:05

You would be unreasonable not to let her cuddle her grandaugher
You are not unreasonable to start putting a few boundaries in place. E.g. baby has a nap for 2 hours now so I am going to put her down to sleep.

GorkyMcPorky · 25/01/2020 08:05

You sound very pleased to have an (lame) excuse to be cruel to your MIL. Your attitude is extremely selfish.

goodgodingovan · 25/01/2020 08:06

There are no confirmed cases of coronavirus in the uk.
If MIL was unwell then I could understand asking her not to hold the baby but I don't understand your reasoning the other way round.
I assume your baby is around 12 weeks old? I think you're being OTT with the hand washing as long as mil has a normal level of hygiene (eg washes hands after the toilet etc). Do you wash your hands every time you want to touch your child?

Sirzy · 25/01/2020 08:06

Sounds like it isn't a good time for a visit but not a lot you can do if DH is insisting. He should be supporting you though, you have a tiny baby and are still adjusting. Could you stay in the bedroom & rest most of the visit.

Are husbands supposed to always go along with their wife even if her view is over the top and actually going along with it would further feed her anxiety? Should he really be sending his own mother away because of a cold?

GorkyMcPorky · 25/01/2020 08:06

Oh and I suspect the reason she's invited herself is because she has no expectation of an invitation from you.

goodgodingovan · 25/01/2020 08:07

They may not give the vaccines on Monday anyway as baby has been ill. It usually takes small babies 10 days to get over a cold.

Berrymuch · 25/01/2020 08:09

If your MIL was unwell, then yes. Your DDs father is a parent too, he probably wants her to see her gran. I'm not saying your feelings should be discounted, and you should stand up for yourself, but what would you say if he said he didn't want your mum visiting or banished her from holding the baby?

KatnissMellark · 25/01/2020 08:13

YABU

Surely if DD is unwell having an extra person who loves her and wants to help comfort her around is going to be good for DD, and might help you out in terms of freeing up your hands so you can shower/eat/whatever. Your DD is more likely to make her Grandma sick than vice versa right now if MIL is feeling well.

SubordinateThatClause · 25/01/2020 08:14

If it was your MIL who was unwell, fair enough, but she's not. The comment about her shopping in places where other Chinese people shop is irrational at best.

I know the stress of little ones being unwell but you are being unreasonable - let her have a cuddle with her grandchild. If nothing else it will give you a chance to have a bath, a wee, a cup of tea.

As someone who has health anxiety and emetophobia myself, I understand your concerns, but this is not rational... and i suspect could be quite hurtful to your DH and his mum.

MiddleClassProblem · 25/01/2020 08:14

DD got the cold from someone else not MIL so I’m not sure why you see MIL as the issue.

It seems very unfair. I also don’t understand the washing your hands before picking a baby up. Unless they hand been doing something that you need to wash your hands for... Do you do this every time? Do you have to wash you hands after a trip to the supermarket before you get DD out of the trolley?

I think you have anxiety too, which is so common with a new baby. A vulnerable, precious thing to look after mixed with swirling hormones and a body that doesn’t seem familiar. It may be something that settles as you do over then next few months but keep an eye on it just in case.

But there’s no reason MIL can’t hold the baby. She might even have the knack to help her sleep. Only if MIL wants to avoid the cold should she stay away.

Evilspiritgin · 25/01/2020 08:15

I can feel the biggest of drip feeds a coming

TheReef · 25/01/2020 08:18

Yabu to ask her not to cuddle her grandchild. Plus the washing hands is a bit ott too. Kids get colds and coughs. Wait till they start school. My dd was ill every other week for ages once she started going to childminders and school. It builds up immune systems