Poorly baby and MIL visit, AIBU to keep them apart?

[TeenyQueen]

MIL invited herself to visit us this weekend. She visited us once previously when DD was a little newborn and that visit was stressful for me because MIL just wanted to hold DD constantly, regardless of whether I needed to feed her etc, and insisted on sitting right next to me when I did feed DD. In short she lacked some boundaries.

So MIL is visiting us again and DD has developed a nasty cold, she's snotty and struggling to breathe occasionally. Been checked by GP and told she just needs lots of sleep and feeding. DD is also due her second lot of vaccines on Monday so ideally she should be feeling normal by then.
AIBU asking MIL to keep a slight distance from DD i.e not cuddle her this weekend? She can still hang out with us and obviously spend time with DH but DD struggles to sleep at night and she's cranky during the day whilst she's poorly.
I should say that MIL sometimes lacks common sense, e.g. not washing hands before wanting to hold DD.

@hobnobsaremyfave Poor MIL?! Who 'announces' she's visiting, demands train tickets are paid for then deliberately wakes the baby up?

Yeah, poor her

Op I do think you are being a little bit unfair here. It’s natural that she wants to make the most of seeing the baby when she is here and it sounds as if you have a lot of resentment towards MIL, which may be justified - I don’t know your situation. I’m sure it would hurt you if you had a grandchild and your DIL was like the way you are being with your mother in law. She’s only here for a short while, could you not pick your battles? More for your own peace of mind than anything else.

Two sides to a story an all that

Finally @Cantwaitforsummer2020 somebody who speaks sense. I do hope this horrible lot don't ever encounter any issues they need help with and get the response poor op has received. They give MN a bad name.

Exactly the MIL in question sounds very unhelpful.

Mil was due to leave soon and hadn't set foot in the kitchen since lunch, all of a sudden she just must boil the kettle, bang kitchen cupboard and start opening food packets whilst DD is having her first nap of the day?

12 week old baby having her first nap of the day when mil is due to leave long after lunch?

Never seen a 12 week old be able to stay awake all day before.

Even if the op does have post natal anxiety problems then saying “oh yes your right she is evil keep her away from your child” isn’t going to do anyone any good.

Sometimes you need people to say “actually take a step back and realise that your attitude and expectations are probably having a massive influence on the situation”

Sirzy I dont think people are saying MIL is evil; that's a major overdramatisation. I genuinely think MIL has been unhelpful. I also think alot of peoples comments to op arent simply disagreeing but frankly being quite rude.

When the biggest complaint is “she made herself a drink” then that does suggest that the OP may be allowing her own views to have a negative impact which is a shame because as the child grows older she will pick up on that.

But Sirzy I suggest you reread the thread as that really was not the biggest complaint. MIL in question would announce she was coming to stay on a whim and have them paying for and booking tickets. She would have op making cups of tea and then wake baby up and sounded like a bull in a China shop in her kitchen with little respect.

I bet If the mother in law had said to op that she didn't want to go into the kitchen to make a cuppa the op would have Moaned that she had to wait on her

Or - MIL arranged to visit, her family son agreed and agreed to pay for the tickets. She knew she was leaving soon so made herself a cup of tea.

There are always two sides to every story and nothing the OP had posted has suggested that the bulk of the issue here isn’t her own dislike for her MIL rather than anything specific she has done. She had decided it was an issue before she even arrived

You are panicking because the last time she came she was up in your grill and not respecting your boundaries. The way around it is to make them more clear (not easy I know) by either saying she’s a bit close, or feeding in another room. Your partner could really help with this, make sure you discuss it so he knows to distract her when she’s being too full on. I imagine you also feel funny about having to “share” baby with her, I know what it’s like to feel your bubble is being invaded...not nice. But, unfortunately she’s the Granny and has a stake in this baby. Grit your teeth, don’t freak out and keep telling yourself “she’ll be gone soon enough”.

Maybe DD cried because she doesn't really know MiL?

I think you come across as anxious and emotionally overstretched OP. I can see (and could predict after your early messages) the general reaction you'd get here, but I do feel for you. I think this kind of situation happens when someone who particularly needs to be treated gently and non threateningly after having a baby is instead confronted with a MIL who, however well- meaning, is determined to do things the way they want to do them. (I'm not a MIL but I'd hazard a guess there's a similar feeling of anxiety on their side that they need to insist on a certain role very quickly too). It's an incredibly hard dynamic when you have a new baby if you perceive (rightly or wrongly) someone inserting themselves against your will into your new little world in a way that feels in any way threatening. It sounds like there's every chance your MIL is just a normal, well meaning grandparent, but to be honest my sympathy lies with you ( I am prone to health anxiety and also have emetophobia, so that probably explains a bit), because I think it should be a consideration of the MIL to look at how your are coping and moderate their behaviour accordingly when you've just had a baby (especially your first).

I know in my own situation all I've ever wanted is a nice relationship with my MIL and particularly between my DC and their grandparents, but the sense that I was being constantly pushed by her early on added so much unnecessary tension and definitely caused me to be overly defensive and on guard the whole time. In my hormonal state she just felt like a threat I had to manage and it wasn't wholly untrue because she didn't treat me gently and wouldn't let me set my own boundaries early on. She would frequently try and wake my sleeping baby 'for cuddles' and sulk when I breastfed because I wasn't 'sharing' the feeding with other people. I really think if in these situations the MILs just remembered how it feels to have a new baby, stepped back with a 'I'm here whenever you want or need me to support you however you need', 90% of the problems would disappear overnight - I'd have welcomed mine with open arms (we are okay now down the line), if I'd felt that ultimately she respected me as the mum and wasn't trying to make herself a central character in the very very very early stages.

That was more of an essay than I planned!

When I read these threads I’m so glad my son’s single.

Baby may have been crying because of the tension in the room? They pick up on anxieties fairly easily....

Seriously though you do sound overly anxious about your baby getting sick. They have no immune system, it happens. The fact that the baby still got sick even when you insist on everyone washing their hands tells you that. So you cant live your life insisting that your (perfectly healthy?) Mil cant see the baby on the off chance that she might catch something on the journey there.

The issues with her announcing her arrival and that DH pay for her ticket are, presumably, long standing ones and if they are genuine issues then thats what you need to address (via DH).

'When I read these threads I’m so glad my son’s single'

How selfish

Mumsnet really hates MIL's and stepmothers

hobnobsaremyfave I don't agree as based on this thread I would say the consensus is in favour of the MIL to such a level that the comments are rude towards the op.

Mumsnet really hates MIL's and stepmothers

Yes, it really does. There was a thread once about what made a good Mil, one response was being dead.

YABVU and without wanting to sound unkind, you are coming across as really irrational and ridiculous. (I say that without judgement...I was also irrational and ridiculous at times with my DS!) I suggest speaking to someone xx

And if that is the case hibnobs it shows that the Op really is unreasonable as the consensus here suggests

I dont think it matters reasonable or unreasonable. I think it matters how rude people have been on this thread.

You’re new round here aren’t you, Yesterday? This thread’s impeccably polite by AIBU standards.

Since the infant is all ready fighting off a cold virus with an all ready weak immune system washing hands is the best way to keep the infant safe from other virus such as influenza which can be spread way before symptoms are shown. I don't understand all the back seat diagnosing of OP for asking her MIL to wash her hands. If you don't know to wash your hands to protect an infant's immune system then you have no business being around an infant.