Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

[Rafaroo]

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

Once or twice a year - ok

Twice a month (so, every other weekend?) - not ok

No, you are not being unreasonable.

As you say, if it was a special occasion, fine. But if it’s regular it must completely ruin your weekends. I can imagine you probably don’t sleep well either, listening out for him rolling in at dawn....

Yep, I'd agree. Fine occasionally, for special occasions. Not every couple of weeks.

My ex disagreed with that though. Which is why he's an ex.

A few times a year would be fine, a couple of times a month is an absolute no. He needs to grow up for you and your DC.
Maybe let the 2.5 year old wake him up and harass him in the morning and he might think twice

I personally think that fathers' lives should change to accommodate children as mothers' lives do, however this is really a conversation that should have been had before agreeing to children.

It's difficult to get them to change what they've always done by "laying down the law".

I agree, a couple of times a year - fine.

A couple of times a month - wtf? No! Waste of money, waste of family time. He needs to grow up.

Special occasions fine but every month is definitely not fine, no. I also don’t think he should have a free pass to stay in bed till the afternoon then laze around all day either. He’s a Father now, not a 20 year old student.

A big night out then sleeping it off the next day is fine now and again, my DH and I both do it occasionally. Every other week is asking a lot of the other parent.

Nope! Absolutely not! Family time is too important and it’s a rubbish example for your child x

I'd also say that if he insists on going out until that late, then he still needs to be up mid morning at the latest. If he can't handle that, then he needs to pack this in.

Basically he is asking that every other weekend or more, for half the weekend, your workload doubles. If you did the same that cuts family time at the weekend by half. I would be less bothered if, the rest of the time, he took double the work one day every other weekend so you could have time to yourself or have a day completely off chores or something.

If I was you I would also be concerned, if you've been up 4x in the night with a newborn surely he isn't expecting he gets a lie in at the weekend while you get up and deal with a toddler on that little amount of sleep?? I think he needs to reign it in until your newborn is sleeping better anyway. Plus being heavily pregnant and getting an hours sleep at a time before having to get up early with the toddler as well because your husband is too hungover is not exactly easy. Of course everyone is entitled to downtime but the problem is his is at your expense. And with pregnancy / newborn if he keeps it up his fun will be at the expense of your sanity / health/ sleep which isn't really fair

Do you get to do this too? Or even to go out with your mates and do whatever you like to do, while he stays home and looks after your DC? If not, then it is unreasonable.

Yes I agree, special occasions, a couple of times a year, fine. A few times a month, absolutely not!

Really OP?
2 or 3 times a month he's out all night.
Then sleeping half the day.
And you think this constitutes family life?
Really?
Really?

Answer: No
This is just awful.
It won't get better.

You have married a complete waster.

Please have a good hard think about what you want and what you and your children deserve.
They deserve so much more.
So do you.
Reach out to your family and friends, you definitely need support.
You have married a complete waster.
,💐

YANBU
I'm late thirties, don't have kids and our friendship group is a mix of kids and no kids. Noone stays out until 5am on a night out - and most of the people I know were clubbers in their twenties and are still interested in clubs and gigs. The exception is festivals (once or twice a year) or specific events (eg all nighters for particular artists). Even then though, the difference is that none of us get wasted in the same way as younger, eg we might stay out late but we stop drinking earlier, so we are functioning the next day (albeit tired). I would say the parents go a bit more all out, but I don't know if that's just the novelty of having a babysitter or if it's changed tolerances to drinking. But it's never at the expense of one partner sat at home whi e the other is out, it tends to be a 'kids at grandparents' weekend.

Where is your OH going, and who with, for being out till 5am fun? There's nothing worse than being the old git in a club full of early twenty somethings.

You're in your 30s not teenagers! I assume you BOTH chose to have DC! Then you both get to look after them!

Twice a month, so 2/30. When is your time off? Do you get any?

Wow some fast responses! I had a quick shower and came back to lots of replies!

Yes, I am agreeing with you that it is quite excessive. Twice per month does feel like a lot and as some posters mentioned, it eats into time and family resources. All the rounds of drinks, cab home, kebab etc does add up.

My main thing is though that I don't want to seem like I am cutting off his fun. He is a pretty hard headed guy when he wants to be and I feel if I approach the subject head on he will just insist on doing that even more to prove a point that he is still allowed to go out and have fun. He also constantly reminds me that he works hard and makes good money, so I feel a bit like he is saying if I stop him going out I am being ungrateful.

How do I make him come to the conclusion that this is behaviour that needs to change on his own? I don't want to goad him into it as I think he would just be resentful and I don't want to threaten him because overall he is a good day/husband. As @OoohTheStatsDontLie mentioned, it is already tough whilst pregnant but will be much harder with a newborn so I'd like to get him thinking on it asap...

We are having a rare dinner out together tomorrow evening, so I am hoping I can gently discuss the subject then.

When baby comes. Do the exact same back to him . Head out and dont come home til early morning . Stay in bed til 1. See how he feels. He wont belong stopping what hes doing

Yes he’s being a dick. How does he sleep with a toddler in the house? Your life changes when you have kids. For him, it seems like it hasn’t.

YANBU

It irritates me when a parent says "oh, I've always done X, why should I have to give that up?" Erm... BECAUSE YOU ARE A PARENT NOW! You have chosen to be a parent and that means life changes. You don't get to do all of the things you did pre children. I used to go out most evenings (dinner, cinema etc, not drinking until 5am!), but I don't now because my lifestyle can't accommodate it (timewise, energywise, financially).

As well as the lack of effort he is putting into "family time" I'd also be annoyed that he was pissing money up the wall when you'll soon be on maternity pay and have 2 DC to feed, clothe and entertain.

And how can he fail to consider that you might need a break yourself? Being heavily pregnant and running around after a 2.5yo is exhausting. He is very selfish and not acting in the best interests of you, your DD or your unborn baby. Does he ever reciprocate? Do you ever get to laze in bed until 1pm on the other weekends while he gets DC up, dressed, fed and ready for the day?

And where is he until 5am? Where I live, most clubs kick out at 2am. The only places serving until 5am are strip clubs.

@billy1966 - I understand your point but I don't believe he constitutes a complete waster. He does muck in with our daughter when he is home, he cooks, does washing and cleaning and works a full time job. It is literally twice a month or so he does this. Can be because of stress or something but that is what I am trying to fix. The rest of his behaviour is overall nothing to complain about. This is why I am trying to be gentle in the way I approach it as well..

Every couple of months maybe, but not for the first few months after the baby is born, and tbh I wouldnt really like it at all on a regular basis but dh and I have never been the going out clubbing until 5am sorts before or after dc.
Are the people he's going out with dads? Does he have friends that are dads? That can make a difference in their perception of family life and fatherhood

He also constantly reminds me that he works hard and makes good money, so I feel a bit like he is saying if I stop him going out I am being ungrateful.

Is he grateful for your contribution to your family?

You need to find a compromise. Going out is fine but not functioning at all the next day isn’t for example.

@Daftodil - Yes these are some of my concerns. Where he is until 5am... he says he is at a mates house after a night club/pub. I do believe that as I have had a couple times one of the girlfriends of his friends call me to moan about the mess in the house the 'boys' made the night before.

But yes, my concerns are the drain on resources both financially and time wise. Also, the fact that as a couple posters mentioned, it is really not a great example for our daughter who can poke and prod daddy as much as she wants but just gets met with snores! I have seen her get upset and frustrated because she wants to spend time with him. That bothers me the most actually.