Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

284 replies

Rafaroo · 24/01/2020 22:19

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Retroflex · 25/01/2020 02:46

"How do I make him come to the conclusion that this is behaviour that needs to change on his own?"

Simply by waking him up in the morning, saying that your going out and go, leaving him with his child and his hangover... Don't give a time for your return, repeat every time he's out until 5am...

Stephminx · 25/01/2020 02:58

I agree with everyone else. Occasional nights out, fine (although I’d expect some time for myself too). Every other weekend, no way.

He sounds fundamentally selfish. Like he just couldn’t care less about you or your DD.

Assuming he works full time, that’s at least 25% of family time he is absent for. He’s pissing money up the wall that could be used / saved for the kids. It’ll be way more than £300 in London for what you’ve described.

What would get me though is how he can ignore his DD trying to spend time with him.

Why on Earth have another baby with this cretin ? First child, ok, you might have thought he’d step up as a parent. I’d not have agreed to another though without some guarantees from him that this would change. I’d guess you’re stuck now though.

Being frightened of how to raise an issue for fear he’ll punish you and do it more though is also just not on. I don’t agree that you can never do anything an once you’re a parent, it your priorities should shift and money and (more importantly) time should be prioritised for family life.

He should want to help his pregnant wife. I found the second do much harder - running round after a toddler while pregnant, two different sleep patterns etc...

Any btw... how text made me vomit in my mouth - rest your pretty head ? What a condescending arsehole.

Stephminx · 25/01/2020 02:59

I’d also require that he gets up after a night out, maybe even giving him shitty jobs to do. A few days like that with a hangover might sort him out.

notangelinajolie · 25/01/2020 03:05

He needs to grow up. I'm very sorry for you and your DD, he sounds awful.

TheBewildernessisWeetabix · 25/01/2020 03:23

This is basically what it means to "have it all", isn't it.
If there is something you want to do that you have not done because of your responsibilities, OP, I suggest you start doing it.

nachthexe · 25/01/2020 03:38

Oh dear.
That’s pretty bad.
He is majorly taking the piss. Do send a text reminding him not to overdo it because you are all off out early in the morning. I’d also add ‘better get used to it now #2 is nearly here - no more partying for you, daddy!!!’

nachthexe · 25/01/2020 03:39

And then I would be making reservations for next weekend and leaving him with dd.

Muddyfunker · 25/01/2020 05:38

Your not being unreasonable.

You hit the nail on the head when you said staying out till 5am is a single mans game not a father's.

A few times a year would be acceptable, not a month.

Rubyupbeat · 25/01/2020 05:39

@papayacoconut
Yes, if it's something you don't like. Not sure going out clubbing is a bad habit? But obviously if one of you dont like it fair enough.
All I know is we have been married 35 years , both were 20, because partly we weren't controlling on what each other did. We didn't have drink, drug or whoring pursuits, just good clean fun. We both go away with friends too, but also together.

FairyBatman · 25/01/2020 06:09

How do I make him come to the conclusion that this is behaviour that needs to change on his own? I don't want to goad him into it as I think he would just be resentful and I don't want to threaten him because overall he is a good day/husband.

You don’t let him sleep in till 1pm. Get the toddler bouncing all over him, shout him to get up, put music on, Hoover and get on with your life.

Don’t be pissed off that he went out, but do hold him to his promise to be out by 10 car seat shopping, and if he doesn’t make it out do be pissed off about that.

Shoxfordian · 25/01/2020 06:16

It obviously doesn't occur to him that he should change his lifestyle because he's a parent. Not good

Nillynally · 25/01/2020 06:23

My dad would do this to my mum. They're not married anymore.

dustycaramel · 25/01/2020 06:27

I think it’s pretty terrible. Nothing wrong with occasional blow out nights (not that frequent though) but not getting up until 1pm? If I go out, get in early hours, hungover and even sick, I would still consider that I had to be up normal time. Maybe 9.30 at the weekend. My husband the same. There might be a bit of gentle sofa/TV, but present, not upstairs in bed, no way. You just suck it up with young children.

puds11 · 25/01/2020 06:34

Is he back then? Interested to see how well leaving the house before 10 goes Hmm

How good is his job?

He’s acting like a child. There are plenty of ways to ‘blow off steam’ or even hang out with his mates that don’t require radical expenditure and coming home at 5am!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 25/01/2020 06:47

It wouldn't bother me if it was, once a month say, and I also got equal time to do the same.

In this case it's a piss take.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 25/01/2020 06:55

He’s selfish and thoughtless. The thing that grabs me is that you describe him as hard headed, I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone I couldn’t just say how I felt to. I’m not sure what advice I’d give as I can’t believe he thinks it’s acceptable to shrug off all the parenting on to you. I agree with the previous poster that he’s a waster.

oohnicevase · 25/01/2020 07:21

You aren't that young and yes it's unreasonable ! .. as a parent you can still go out until 5 am but you still need to get up with the kids , so you make your choices if it's worth it's. Stop enabling him to do it , say you aren't going to get up woth the kids anymore .. what does he do until 5 am anyways ?

Thismummyruns · 25/01/2020 07:22

Can I just say, he wouldn't want to be out til the next morning if he had to be up with both children at say 8am.

This is from OH doing the same thing (but every few months), I don't keep the kids quiet, I carry on as normal in the house so inevitably he can't sleep in bed all day. Maybe I'm an evil bitch but life carries on so if he's stupid enough to come home at 6am with his McDonalds breakfast and wake me up, he can bloody well deal with the consequences of his good night 😂

Morgan12 · 25/01/2020 08:25

OP hes is taking cocaine. It's so obvious. He must love that you are so gullible. I'm honestly not meaning that to be cheeky.

MeridianB · 25/01/2020 08:25

Agree that this is way too often and OTT. Why can’t it be a few drinks then home? Why always restaurant, bar and club? This makes it likely that there’s something else involved, as others have said - drugs or women or both.

And I’m calculating it’s closer to £500 a night not including drugs.

Sorry OP, you deserve better and so do your children. I hope he listens to reason today.

SimonJT · 25/01/2020 08:25

Why doesn’t he just go to bed for a few hours, get up at 9ish and then go to bed early that night?

I have a big night out about once a month, usually getting home around 4am. I get up at about 8:30 so I’m up and ready when my son gets home, I just have an early night once he is in bed.

BigFatLiar · 25/01/2020 08:37

Thats so sad! My OH's way to relax was to play with the kids, loved being a dad, his mates understood. Still had evenings out on occasion but often they would come to us for BBQ's etc.

I suspect the pattern has be set for your OH and he won't change. At least it sounds like its every other weekend, a useful pattern for him.

Phineyj · 25/01/2020 08:39

Because he has some kind of substance abuse problem, PP.

That text is yuk!

Christmaspug · 25/01/2020 08:47

No way would I put up with that waste of money twice a month ...
Why are u putting up with it
I would not of had any children with a man who spends that on himself
It could be saved money towards things to do together,
My husband of 27 years would not dream of wasting such money .
I recon those 2 nights out a month are like the cost of an extra morgage

Peterpettigrew · 25/01/2020 08:48

He is being completely unreasonable. My DH main friend circle all have kids except us. Nights out are once a quarter max. They go to the pub and all catch up - usually home by 2. They also play sport one evening a week as a way to catch up. This includes bankers on six figure salaries. My DH also doesn’t go out much more than them with his other single friends- again usually once a quarter. They all got over the clubbing thing once they hit 30’s - prefer to go for dinner and a few drinks so they’re not hungover and ruining their weekend when they’re working full time. Sounds like your DH and his group never grew up. It’s the same reason why I am not bothered about clubbing now - did it all through 20’s now I’m in my 30’s I prefer a proper catch up and laugh with the girls over dinner and wine than an all nighter.