Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

[Rafaroo]

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

His behaviour is totally unfair on you, and he also must be spending a lot of family money on booze etc as nights out like that aren't cheap. No idea about your family finances but with a 2nd baby on the way, they are going to take a hit anyway.

Are all his pals younger or not having kids yet etc? Sounds like he's living the life of a single guy, so is he maybe the odd one out of his friend group by being married with kids?

Ask him to compromise with u to 1 night out a month, he may be more willing to agree

He is a pretty hard headed guy when he wants to be and I feel if I approach the subject head on he will just insist on doing that even more to prove a point that he is still allowed to go out and have fun

You are fearful that if you ask him to stop going out so much, pissing money up the wall and leaving you to deal with a toddler all night and the next day (whilst heavily pregnant,) that he will do it more to prove a point.

That's not a good partner, that's a cunt.

Do you get a couple of nights off a month too and the next day to “recover”? No? Then why should he?
It’s time to grow up a little! A stag do or something would be acceptable but this is still a really regular thing.

At 30 you’re not young. I know people who had kids at 22 and reigned this right back due to being parents

Book your self Into a hotel x2 a month, see how he feels being left with the kids that often and a chunk of family money gone. He’ll never see this from your point of view unless he’s on the other end

It is not on really and he needs to grow the feck up. Personally I think you are being too nice about it, time to put your foot down as he must also be spending a fortune.

God that's awful, I can't believe he dares to stay in bed all day when you are running around looking after a toddler and pregnant too, ffs!

So no, you are not being too restrictive. He's a dad now, dads have to get up in the morning and parent their kids, even if they've had a skinful the night before. I'd be so ashamed that my child can't get her dad to wake in the because he's been on the lash.

It has to stop now, you can't carry on like this!

How do you think he'd react if you did the exact same thing?

@Christmadtree - actually that is true. Only one of his mates has kids. The rest are also in their 30's but are still child-free. He goes back a long way with them so I think their is still that feeling of needing to spend time with the boys and keep up with the old identity/making out like nothing has changed. Booze has always been a bonding thing between him and his friends and they have been friends since college. Possibly why this habit is hard to break for him. But that still doesn't change the fact that it is upsetting our family life. @Emmelina - quite agree. He does need to grow up and no, I don't have the same luxury of course!

You shouldn't need to be gentle with something that is bothering you in a relationship OP. You should be able to just come right out and say it without worrying that he will punish you by doing it more.
Fuck that

He's unreasonable. He has a night 'off' which isn't so much of an issue, but the next day is a right off. So every other weekend you have to pick up the slack. When he does this, he's having his 'free' time but is dictating what you do with your time because you're left with no choice but to be the responsible (lone) parent. So he's actually being controlling of you and your time. That's not on.

You need to do the same. Stay out until at least noon the next bday. If I were you I'd book myself into a hotel and relax. It would cost the same as your husband spends on booze, food and taxis AND you won't have a raging hangover the next day.

I’m not a drinker, but DH goes out and gets truly shitfaced with his workmates once a year (literally-their Xmas party) and he books and stays in a hotel. It means he can get home as late as he likes and have a lie in undisturbed and I can get on with life at a normal volume . He probably goes out with friends once every couple of months for a ‘normal’ night out and gets home around 1am (by the time he’s got back from London as that’s the central meeting point for us all). On those evenings he sleeps downstairs so he doesn’t disturb me and I don’t let the kids wake him up till 8am...! He’s only twice since we’ve had a family been so hungover that he couldn’t deal with family life the following morning and I’ve been sympathetic but brisk, and sent him back to bed! If he was doing what your DH is doing every two weeks I’d be furious. What a waste of money and family time.

Not a problem if you take turns doing it, we did.

Really!
I think you're all a bit boring and controlling tbh!
Sleeping in until 1 isn't the end of the world!
Go and have a night out with your friends!... or are your nights out boring and done by midnight?

Are you suspicious at all? That he's meeting women or out on the pull to still 'feel' young/ attractive?

This rings alarm bells for me.

DH mates (all with wives/ gf's/ kids) get together around once a month/ once every 2 months and go on a full on bender and some end up sleeping with other women. Not all of them- but even they kept quiet as its 'lads rules'. They are all 35-46!

When I found out (dh told me) I went mad and said I wasn't happy he joined them on nights out. He understood as he don't agree and has actually lost contact which is a shame but better than joining in the secrets and acting normal at couples social events.

However I do not know your dh so I could be completely wrong and I hope I am.

I think you need to be honest with him and say you were worrying about how he would react as it sounds like you tread on eggshells a little.

I hope you get it sorted out.

Agree with PP. once or twice a year- fine. Once or twice a month? Nah mate- that’s pathetic. You aren’t a student living in digs, you’re a FATHER. That involves making sacrifices for the good of your family, you simply can’t go out partying until 5am when you have kids ffs. OP you don’t get the chance to do this so why should he? He’s being incredibly immature. I wouldn’t stand for it- next time he stays out that late I’d be purposely making a racket as soon as I got up and asking to get up immediately to help with breakfast. Once he realises his behaviour won’t be accommodated he’ll have no choice but to adapt his ways.

Ha! Just got the usual text.. 'Hey my love, don't wait up for me tonight. Going on with the lads for a few more drinks. Go rest your pretty head. Love you. Xx'

I knew it!! 5am then!!! Gah! Makes sense as today was payday for us. Definitely need to address this tomorrow though. We are meant to go grab some stuff.for the new baby tomorrow too....he said we would leave the house no later than 10 to go shopping. He said that this morning! I am actually going to wake him up with a cup of tea at 9am and insist. We need to get a car seat and new push chair sorted asap!

The only guys I know in that age bracket who are out with their mates until 5am, that often are cheating on their wives/have cheated. It’s not acceptable at all. Once or twice a year fine. More than that it would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry OP.

So on the other weekend day, do you get to sleep in until lunchtime, then spend the day as you please, while he does everything for your toddler??

Are you sure he’s not having an affair? This sounds really quite dodgy to me.....

Twice a month is too much.

Don't worry about an affair though. Its probably cocaine.

Something very odd going on here. Out with mates regularly until 5am in your 30s. Nope.

I don't think he is having an affair...though of course I wouldn't be human if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind. He doesn't display any other suspicious behaviours though. Has no problem leaving his phone around, letting me use it, let's me open his post including stuff to do with banking, credit card bill etc. I know that isn't concrete, but I don't have the feeling he is cheating...I really do feel like he is just being immature.

Once or twice a year, once every few months even but no, not that often - when do you get the equivalent time for yourself ?