Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

[Rafaroo]

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

Occasional early hours for both of us. But usually separately and whoever isn’t going out has a day out with DD the following day so upon return order is restored and the dirty stop out is sufficiently recovered and has a nice dinner ready for all.

So DD has predictably been up since 5:45 this morning. He actually surprised me and came home at 4:15 last night which is a good 1.5 hours than he usually does but still far too excessive in my opinion.

I did text him last night as some posters suggested and reminded him we had agreed to go shopping this morning and that we really need a car seat/pushchair so cannot put this off any longer. He replied simply with an 'Ok my love xx'.

Anyway, DD and I are in the process of making him breakfast. She is very excited about seeing him as due to the fact he leaves the house at 6am Monday-Friday and she didn't see him in the evening last night, she has not properly seen him since Thursday. I have the Hoover at the ready if a polite wake up call with tea and toast and my daughters kisses doesn't suffice!

Will update on how it goes!

Coke is cheap if it’s twice a month - rarely starts that way though, but I know people who’d go coke instead of drinking because it was cheaper.

Rafaroo - see if he wants to eat, that’ll tell you if he’s going drugs. He won’t want breakfast or lunch

You've said he's hard headed.
You are afraid to raise the issue.
You are heavily pregnant, working full time and have an CV early riding toddler, and he said in until noon (and wastes three afternoon) on a quarter of all family days.
You don't get the same opportunities for a rest, even though you should be having more of them than him because of pregnancy.
He's spending a fortune on this
He has already cheated on you in the last year.

I think you need to have a serious think about whether you want this to be your life in the future. He's not as good a dad or husband as you make out.

An early rising toddler ffs

He also constantly reminds me that he works hard and makes good money, so I feel a bit like he is saying if I stop him going out I am being ungrateful

It’s just not relevant. You (I assume) made a decision together to have two children. Life changes when you have children.

Would you go out until 5am every other weekend and expect him to just deal with it? Of course you wouldn’t.

He sees the kids as your responsibility by default unless it’s convenient to him to be a parent. I don’t know any mothers who can just dip in and out of being a parent like this, but I do know plenty of men who do.

Obviously it needs to change - tell him to grow the fuck up. This makes me so angry!

You are not "cutting off his fun". You are asking him to find new ways to have fun that are not incompatible with being a parent & participating in family life.

Ita ridiculous anyway. Who the hell stays out until 5am in their 30s? By 30s DH and I noticed none of our friendship group wanted to be out much past 12 or 1 any more. People work & have responsibilities, they value sleep more.

Ps he did not come home at 4.15 last night.

He came home at 4.15 this morning.

I get waking him today as you had plans together but I also think marriage is a partnership and the terms vary significantly from one household to another. There are 104 leisure days in a year if he works Mon- Fri. If he takes 26 of those leisure days (the day after the night before, to himself) is that awful?
What is the route of why it bothers you?

Is it that there is some jelousy i.e. you don't have that social outlet and don't have the same financial means to do the same? If thats the case I think the issue is different to him going out. Its that the partnership financial and responsibility terms are unequal.

Having children significantly changes our life outlook. Typically us mums take on the majority of the emotional responsibility haveing started that physical bond with the child many months ahead or our partners. Once the children are physically present we need to share the emotional responsibility but I know I wasn't great at this.

I'm a doer and got on and did. I see many, many others doing the same.

I don't think renegotiation needs to be a big row. I'm not sure getting him up in a tired and hungover state to do a special activity like getting your pram and car seat is going to create a nice atmosphere for your DD. But waking him and reminding him that had been your plan then rearranging but also saying you need to renegotiate things a bit might be a better way forwards.

What things do you want for you? Do you want 26 leisurely get ups a year where he does the 5.45 mummeeee call and makes breakfast whilst you surf netflix and then later browse the shops should you fancy it? Do you want to have money that goes into your own guilt free indulgence pot so you can splurge on those things that interest you whether thats nights out, spa weekends, diamonds, handbags or a hobby?
Do you want him to do bed and bath before going out - or is it a straight from work thing?

Will you be driving?

Where does he go until the early hours?

You know it’s bad when you’re pleasantly surprised by a 4:15am return.

Next weekend you’re going out with your friends for dinner. Be sure to text around midnight saying you’re staying out. Actually book yourself into a spa hotel for the night and relax. Let him deal with things. He doesn’t see the problem because it’s never his problem.

You and your DD deserve better than this.

I don’t get why you’re worried about the example being set to your daughter of him being in bed late in the morning but the heavy drinking, the cheating etc don’t feature.

People rarely change, you know his true colours and choose to stay and even expand the family,

People often change, particularly after having kids. He sounds like he doesn’t want to compromise and wants to lead the single persons life. But this isn’t fair on you.

Have you thought about compromise - getting blasted once a month, and no more I think is ok. You should also get some time to yourself to do things you enjoy too. Does he take the kid(s) out on his own to give you a break? Perhaps you can make plans for the weekends meaning he can’t be out all hours if you have plans for early next day.

It does sound like you are walking on eggshells when you want to discuss this with him though.

I’m another one saying it’s not normal to be doing this so regularly. I think me and dh must have been really boring when our babies Were young. It was easier to do everything with two of us, so that’s how we did it. Obviously we had nights out with friends, but they were quite rare and we wouldn’t generally go until after bed time and it’s only as they’ve got older we’ve started staying out over night/going away for the weekend. Maybe it helped that our friends were also in the same position?

I really hope your dh is up and you are now getting ready to go shopping.

The not eating thing isn't true unless its ecstasy etc. He will still eat if its coke. Which it is.

Listen for the runny nose. Look for the itchy nose. And I'd look through his stuff to see if there is a wee bag or rolled up note etc.

Good luck OP. I am all for fun nights out but he is acting like he does not have you and the children at home.

Ex addict here. I would be surprised if coke wasn't involved but of course none of us know for sure. Are there large cash withdrawals around that time? If so then coke and / or strip clubs. Ugh.

he needs to grow up. Next time send dd in to get him up, tell him if he's going to do that then he stays up all night and is bright eyed and bushy tailed for the day.
Poor dd I bet she hardly sees either of you during the week then her dad spends the weekend pissed.
Some people don't deserve kids.

just seen you're cooking him breakfast. You mug, all sympathy gone, you are encouraging him.
Your poor dd.

He says he doesn't see why "we" shouldn't live because we have children? What he means is he doesn't see why "he" shouldn't.
He is out living his life having fun but at your expense.

When my DH was doing this regularly it was because he was doing coke 😫

As pp have asked, what was the appeal of having another baby with him?

4.15 this morning? What’s he doing till 4/5am taking drugs? I’d honestly think he was hiding a cocaine habit.