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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

284 replies

Rafaroo · 24/01/2020 22:19

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Daftodil · 24/01/2020 23:32

it is really not a great example for our daughter who can poke and prod daddy as much as she wants but just gets met with snores! I have seen her get upset and frustrated because she wants to spend time with him. That bothers me the most actually.

How out of it is he that a 2yo can't wake him?! Next time he does it, could you film your DD trying to wake him up? If he really is that out of it and you have held back from approaching him "head on" on the issue, is it possible he is oblivious to the upset he is causing? Show him. Make him see his behaviour and the effect it has on DD. I'd explain to him that he is his DD's first male role model and the blueprint for what she will see as normal in future relationships. Does he really want his DD begging for attention and being ignored to be her baseline?

You could also challenge him to wear a sympathy belly for 24hrs (overnight as well as daytime) to get an idea of how tired you are and that you need more help when he is there instead of him sleeping the day away.
www.babycentre.co.uk/v25019131/diy-pregnancy-make-your-own-empathy-belly-video

mymadworld · 24/01/2020 23:34

I smell other women or secret coke habit but hope for your sake you're right and it's just drinks with 'the boys'. Might be worth investigating.

I'd also make it quite clear that you're not stopping his evening socialising but the full day reviving is just not on.

I sincerely hope you get a few night's out/days off a month!

Longdistance · 24/01/2020 23:36

Not unless he’s an alley cat, yanbu.

Fivetillmidnight · 24/01/2020 23:37

OP this is MN so please beware that everyone will be telling you he is having an affair !!

Please ignore but nonetheless insist that YOU will be going out till 5am once new baby arrives... do it once. (You will probably want to just go to a friends and have a bloody good nights sleep ! ) .. but for it .. he can then get a small taste of his own medicine.. once should be enough but don't worry if it takes two or three times..
the babies will never remember..

PapayaCoconut · 24/01/2020 23:37

You should be able to just come right out and say it without worrying that he will punish you by doing it more.

Yeah, this isn't the mark of a good relationship...

Something very odd going on here.

Yeah, it sounds like drugs or cheating.

Weenurse · 24/01/2020 23:37

I think your plan is a good one. Wake him up and insist he goes ahead as planned.
Tell him you don’t mind him going out with his mates, but he still needs to honour his family commitments as well.
Every time he goes out late, wake him in the morning to help with DC.

Iloveplacentas · 24/01/2020 23:39

Sounds just like my husband. I found out he was a coke addict.

DaisyBee123 · 24/01/2020 23:40

My ex used to do that every Saturday night. At first I didn't want to come across as restricting or controlling, but you said it - it's a single mans game - and that honestly is exactly what it is.

I think once in a while is fine as we all deserve a bit of fun and to let our hair down, but when it becomes a common more regular thing, to me that is stepping away from your responsibilities (like time with his daughter).

He could still go and enjoy himself, but not have to come back so late (or early)! Could you come to a compromise? Explain how it messes things up the next day and in my opinion, he has a family and should choose that over drinking all night.

PapayaCoconut · 24/01/2020 23:41

Not a problem if you take turns doing it, we did.

OP: "My partner has a bad habit that I dislike and it affects our family negatively".
Poster: "You should do the same thing yourself, then it's fair?"
Hmm

PapayaCoconut · 24/01/2020 23:43

Explain how it messes things up the next day

Yeah, explain until your face turns an attractive shade of blue. Then watch him do it again.

Fairenuff · 24/01/2020 23:46

He's obviously a selfish git but why have another child with him? It will only get worse for you OP as he's clearly not going to change.

OrangeSlices998 · 24/01/2020 23:48

Financially what impact is this having? Nights out like this are expensive! I’m in agreement with everyone else it’s just not on, he has a family and you deserve and need time for yourself too. Does he make sure you get time out with friends/hobby? I imagine he wants to keep up with his mates but really he needs to grow up. He has a daughter and a baby on the way, he isn’t a 22 year old with minimal responsibilities. Why does he think it’s okay to be out all evening and asleep all day and default out of parenting for most of the day? Family life isn’t something you dip in and out of.

Original poster
Rafaroo · 24/01/2020 23:56

No idea what the total financial impact is. I have never been a big drinker so my nights out were always much cheaper but his night out is somethjng like this:

Meeting up with the guys for a pre-dinner drink or two in the pub.
Onto restaurant for dinner. Get wine/beer
Onto a bar - more drinks. Usually rounds at this point
Get a cab? I am guessing.
Onto a club- they usually take a table and get vodka, champagne etc
After club- kebab or some kind of takeaway. Cab back to mates house.
Cab home.

All in all what do you estimate that costs in London? Bear in mind we live in Hertfordshire, so cab home is minimum £60.

OP posts:
Daftodil · 25/01/2020 00:00

All in all what do you estimate that costs in London?

Too much

NutRoastNancy · 25/01/2020 00:05

Unless he is earning over £150k that is way too much money twice a month!

crimsonlake · 25/01/2020 00:06

It gets worse... he must be spending a few hundred pounds a month then on entertainment.

MadeForThis · 25/01/2020 00:07

Add the coke etc.

He's a selfish bastard. He won't change.

He's totally wasted every 2 weeks. So 50% of weekends.

That's not normal. That's what a student does. Not a father. He needs to step up.

Weetabollocks · 25/01/2020 00:07

Christ, I hope you two have lots of disposable income!

Meeting up with the guys for a pre-dinner drink or two in the pub.£10
Onto restaurant for dinner. Get wine/beer £30
Onto a bar - more drinks. Usually rounds at this point£60
Get a cab? I am guessing. £5 (assuming £20 shared)
Onto a club- £10 to get in
they usually take a table and get vodka, champagne etc those tables with a bottle are £80+ . Let's say £20 for his share plus another £60 for other drinks
After club- kebab or some kind of takeaway. £10 Cab back to mates house.£5
Cab home.£60

I make that around £270 just for him for one night out and lie in with hangover the next day.

OzziePopPop · 25/01/2020 00:20

Weetabollocks - I reckon you could double that in London 😔

Thestrangestthing · 25/01/2020 00:24

Really!
I think you're all a bit boring and controlling tbh!
Sleeping in until 1 isn't the end of the world!
Go and have a night out with your friends!... or are your nights out boring and done by midnight?

When you have children at home, and you are doing it 2+ times a month, yes.
You must be single.

VenusTiger · 25/01/2020 00:25

@Rafaroo have you tried talking frankly about his liver and overall health? Drinking vodkas and champers every other weekend until the early hours is no good at all.

PatellarTendonitis · 25/01/2020 00:26

Coke.

And WAY more than £270/month.

Totally unacceptable.

dayslikethese1 · 25/01/2020 00:32

Eurgh manchild. And he must be spending an absolute FORTUNE.

Iwantacookie · 25/01/2020 00:32

I agree with others sounds like a coke habit.
Can you lock the door tonight so he cant get in?
Or better still claim an illness in the morning so he has to get up and function.

Seaweed42 · 25/01/2020 00:44

He must be doing drugs too. His pals can't be that entertaining surely. Is he absolutely legless when he gets in? After drinking for 8hrs a person would be falling around drunk. Unless they had something else. If its coke he'll might have a runny nose the next day.