Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

[Rafaroo]

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

Ugh. YUCK.

If it’s a regular thing and he’s strolling in at that time multiple times during the month, he’s an absolute twat and definitely not a family man.

We’re all allowed to have fun. A lot of us have gone a bit over the top at times. Someone who doesn’t do this week in week out and is usually a hard working decent family person can be forgiven if they’ve had a great night and as a one off strolls in at silly o’clock in the morning. Lot of us have been there.
There is a big difference between that and someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit and thinks nothing about it being the norm for their partner and children to put up them heavily drinking constantly and being out at weekends partying and strolling in weekend after weekend drunk off their head.

One off - ok and probably will be laughed about the next day.
Constant - Disgusting and pathetic.

Is he a banker?

He’s acting like a wanker, for sure.

Was DD planned? Have you asked him why YOU are the ‘default’ parent?

I’m not being snarky, but WTAF did you get pregnant again when he’s doing this?

I didn't go out for the first few years but in the last few. I have gone out more, sometimes once a month and when I do I usually stay over and am not back till early afternoon, it does not feel excessive and ds does not seem to. Suffer. I have also been away a couple of weekends and 6 days on holiday alone.

It. Is possibly different when they are younger though, much more demanding ime. I suppose it is not set in stone and.what is acceptable is subjective - eg dc needs/partner illness/work circumstances /finances etc and suject to change as we change/ dc change /circumstances change
. Being flexible/compromising and keeping lines of communication open and clear is key

....go rest your pretty head....

That's good advice given that you'll be doing everything tomorrow whilst he snores til 1pm

Seriously. ...he's taking the piss

Presumably he is staying out on Friday or Saturday nights? That messes up every second weekend for you. How does he justify its effects on you? especially when you’re pregnant. Is he planning to continue this teenage life when you have two children?

I hope you can help him see you point of view when you talk to him tomorrow. Does he have a good relationship with his mother, or any other sensible relative or friend who could have a word?

He has always been like this. You thought having children with him would change him, but he is still acting like a single person.

He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

& how would it impact him if you wanted to do this twice a month?
Would he feel you had "every right" to, or would he kick off about having to be in sole loco parentis until 5am, & you being useless to the kids until 4pm?

I get that you wouldn't want to, not just 'cos you're up the duff but 'cos you seem more into having family time together.
But it would be fun to test the theory out one night when you have a wakeful baby in the house & maybe a fractious 3 year old too ...

I'd say he's doing it a bit often.

A friend of mine had a partner like that - he didn't think his lifestyle of staying out til all hours with his mates and then being hungover all the next day, should change once they had a child.
She did virtually all the childcare, housework etc and he expected her to be grateful for the fact that he worked.
Suffice to say, he is my friend's EX now.
OP is this a new pattern of behaviour for your partner new? If not, why are you having another child with him?
The fact that it seems very difficult to discuss this with him because of his predicted response, is what I find worrying. My friend's partner was a scary, intimidating almost-violent bully. I hope your's is better than that.

Would you treat someone you loved this way, OP?

our daughter who can poke and prod daddy as much as she wants but just gets met with snores! I have seen her get upset and frustrated because she wants to spend time with him. That bothers me the most actually.

Oh Rafaroo that is really sad, how upsetting.
I've had a couple of gins so this may be a completely out of order notion ... how would he react if you were able (subtly, so as not to cause issue or further upset to little DD) to film his snoring oblivion to her needs, & show him the effect he is having on his girl's wellbeing?

Would it make him think, or would he just be fairly hardheaded i.e. angry with you?
In fact, even without stooping to filming, which you may fairly feel is ridiculous & intrusive, how you reckon he would react to the concrete facts of his behaviour might be illuminating for you.

We are, after all, discussing a man who believes you owe him "gratitude".

He seems readily able to dismiss your concerns by informing you what you think is a problem isn't one because he says so.
Would he dismiss his child's distress so easily?

Of course he would, because it doesnt suit his narrative.

I suggest that the OP, ever other weekend (so the ones he isnt out getting wrecked) bogs off and comes home at 1pm the next day.

Stays at her mums/sisters/friends place, basically anywhere so he gets to live her life.

Or leaves.

I would wonder exactly who he is spending time with, if he regularly stays out till dawn. He's a father but seems determined to keep the perks of single life, and justifies it on the basis that he earns good money. Totally out of order, especially as you also work full time, you must be exhausted.

I understand that everyone needs some down time, but the frequency of his nights out, plus the time he returns home and the way he expects you to carry the load alone for most of the following day, all speak of a man child who hasn't fully grasped what being a father entails. Only you know if he is capable of change, but the way he speaks when you broach the subject indicates that he doesn't want to change, as he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing. Think carefully OP, things could get much harder as time goes on. Good luck OP.

Not a problem if you take turns doing it, we did.
But for OP's situation, that would be 4 weekends a month, & I doubt she wants her kids have every weekend with only 1 parent either present or capable.

Not snarking at your own solution @Rubyupbeat - it worked for you.
But OP's DH doesn't sound like a sharer or a compromiser - whereas yours sounds like he communicated & ensured you were both happy.

Sleeping in until 1 isn't the end of the world!
RTFT & tell that to the DH's little girl @mmmmmmmm2020

Onto a club- they usually take a table and get vodka, champagne etc

Works in the City does he? I'm guessing coke, strippers, maybe more. But the money must be insane.

My rule is go out, have a laugh, but you show up the next day for your family. No sleeping past noon and having a disappointed daughter.

@Rafaroo
I think it's just about being fair. You say:
Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live,

Which is fine but what does he do to ensure you can live'?
I suspect you're caught in the Domestic drudgery of facilitating your husband's childfree lifestyle. The reality is that he has kids, he needs to step up.

he said we would leave the house no later than 10 to go shopping. He said that this morning!
So text back to thank him for letting you know, saying something like I hope you don't have too sore a head when we go shopping at 10 tomorrow! But have fun & I'll bring you some restorative tea before getting DD ready to go.

That will give much more impact to your plan -
I am actually going to wake him up with a cup of tea at 9am and insist.

Unless he texts back to say WTF I'm not going shopping ...
in which case you can decide whether he's now forced your hand & you blow up, or if you want to do some more thinking about his behaviours & if they will ever change.
Ditto if he appears to take your text at face value but decides he "can't" wake up tomorrow.

Something very odd going on here.

Yeah, it sounds like drugs or cheating.

Sounds like alcohol & selfishness to me.

@Fairenuff
He's obviously a selfish git but why have another child with him?
Fucksake - what?
She should send the second one back?

Can you lock the door tonight so he cant get in?

Um - why?
So she & DD can be woken by furious door-knocking at 5am?
How does this help?

Or better still claim an illness in the morning so he has to get up and function.
The man doesn't get up for his child.
He's not going to get up for his wife.

*I suggest that the OP, ever other weekend (so the ones he isnt out getting wrecked) bogs off and comes home at 1pm the next day.

Stays at her mums/sisters/friends place, basically anywhere so he gets to live her life.

Or leaves.*

Do this. If he's out on the Friday night, then make sure you do it on the Saturdy night of the same weekend. Bet he'll be bloody livid!

My question is these king of situations are: if it fine for him to do it, then it is fine for you to do it. I am getting the vibe that you don't, even if you weren't heavily pregnant. The whole thing is a liberty: leaving you home alone for hours at a time, spending money on himself, then the next day being a write off whilst he is sleeping and then being hungover. So what if he works?! It sounds like you more than contribute. Being brutal but l am confused why you chose to have another child when you knew what he was like. l don't see why he would change at this point.

Do you get to go out to a restaurant as much as that? I'm guessing not, and I'm guessing certainly not with him. So why do his mates get more of priority ''nice'' times with him, than you do?

I understand the desire to catch up with friends, do it over a BBQ at home while you have little ones so you both get to enjoy mateship and seeing other people. Then another couple can reciprocate next time.

If these men are fair minded, they will come around and know when its time to leave too. My bet though Hubby will drop his bottom lip when he learns they continue on without him (the single ones that is).

I think you need to say som stern words, but I wouldn't be doing it while you are out having dinner together, I would wait until he mentions he is off again and then let it out.

He is being very selfish.

My DH still has the odd "big night" but it is probably only a handful of times a year, and he lets me know in advance as a courtesy to make sure I'm happy to be doing all of the parenting by myself for that night/ morning after.

I do it less frequently than he does, but that's only because I don't really drink much. On the occasions I do want to have a bit of a blow out he's happy to return the favour for me.

What your DH is doing is behaving like he has no kids on a regular basis. He is able to do this because you are doing all of the work for him. You are not "cutting off his fun". He is having fun at your expense. He is cutting off your fun, and his daughter's!