Was I raped or did I cheat?

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Last year in the summer, I went out with my girlfriends.

We are always friendly and chat to women and men, always have a good dance and drink.

I ended up separated from my friends, couldn't put my words together and couldn't see straight (this has never happened to me before, I've always been fine after a drink, never put myself in any danger and always stop drinking when I feel tipsy and start drinking water). I don't know what happened but I remember being in a taxi with a man who we'd been chatting to him and his friends etc in the smoking area when my friends went for a cigarette.

I must of panicked in the taxi as I remember him saying "I know you're married, you can sleep on the sofa and I'll call you a taxi in the morning, I just wanted you to be safe".

I was sick in the taxi, then I remember being in his kitchen, he gave me water and that's the last thing I remember clearly.

I then remember being face down on his bed and him inside me, I must of passed out because I woke up in his bed completely naked. I was shaking and felt like I'd been hit over the head with something, way worse than any hangover I've ever had.

I got out of bed, put my clothes on and he called me an Uber.

I went straight to the bathroom and had blood running down my legs after having a wee and my stomach was agony.

I left, got an Uber home, got in the bath and have been crying every day since. I feel so guilty, I can't tell DH. I love him more than anything and have never ever considered cheating on him. We've been together since we were 16.

I'm scared that I was drugged and raped and then another part of me can't remember if I initiated anything (again, this has never been in my character before and I do not agree with cheating). Because my memory of that night is in tiny bits and I can't, as hard as a I try, put it all together. I also had a "hangover" for about 2 days, was extremely sick including blood and couldn't lift my head up at one stage. (I've never taken any kind of drugs before so don't know if this is a side effect).

I don't know what to do, please does anyone have any advice? Please be kind I'm already beating myself up for this every single day.

Please go to the olive or a rape crisis centre. You were raped. I work in the criminal justice system and unfortunately this sort of account is not uncommon. Often women are targeted on nights out, drugged and raped.

It is unlikely that you will have been the first or last woman this man has done this to. I know that this is so much easier said than done but please go to the police for your own sake and for the sake of others. This man needs to be stopped.

I also doubted it was rape because although I was and still am traumatised, I wasn't put off being intimate with DH. In fact I remember 2 weeks after it happened, I had this strong urge to just feel loved by DH intimately and I wasn't scared or nor did I have any nasty flash backs whilst we had sex and I haven't since either.

Maybe this is because I've always felt safe with DH and he's never hurt me. I'm just confused by it all.

“Olive” police!

And I don't know you personally... but I feel so proud of you. You're doing something very brave that many people cannot.
If you ever doubt yourself, come back here and we will reassure you. Xxx

You were raped.

Please seek out some professional support. You might feel able to tell your DH in time, once you’ve had help to sort your head out.

Well there you go OP, your husband has always made you feel safe and loved. That won't change now. If anything, he will make you feel safer and more loved than ever. X

Hi there, OP,

We're so sorry to hear this happened to you. We're pleased to see you're getting lots of useful advice and support here. We just wanted to pop by with a link to our We Believe You campaign. The page has a few numbers and things on that might be helpful.

I am also sure the Uber driver would of remembered me.

I had blood all over my jeans and no shoes on, fell asleep the whole way home and when I got in, took my clothes off and got in the bath. My face was covered in my mascara and I had tear stains all through my foundation (what was left of it, obvious id been crying although I don't remember doing so).

I don't think I'd forget seeing somebody like that if I was a taxi/Uber driver? Maybe he thought I was just severely drunk or hungover.

Well done for being brave today and telling us.
This is the start of your healing process.

You were passed out, he said "you can sleep on the sofa and I'll call you a taxi in the morning, I just wanted you to be safe" so he knew you weren't in a good state, next thing you remember is waking up to that.

There is no way this is anything other than rape, you were not in a state you could consent and he knew that. It was rape, whether you were drugged or pissed doesn't really matter, you were vulnerable and he knew it and took advantage, and by the sounds of it quite violently (the bleeding) are you physically ok now?

I've been the drunk girl that will go home with anyone, I was also a barmaid for a long time, please trust me when I say what you've described is not a bit of drunken cheating, you have nothing to feel guilty for x

Hi OP,

I have no idea about how people are “meant” to feel when they have been raped - you write that it didn’t have so much of an impact on your désire with your OH.
I just wanted to let you know that I was raped - it has never caused my issues with my sex drive or intimacy - it has caused me issues with trust, with anger, with legitimacy, with carefreeness and happiness - but never with my actual sex life. But I was still raped - and the fact that I still managed to be happy and content in my sex life - does not mean on any way that I was not raped or that it wasn’t real rape.

You can feel however you want or need to feel about you intimate life with your husband.

And you being okay in bed with your husband doesn’t mean that what happened to you was or is or will ever be okay.

This is your life and your choices - you can choose to define what happened to you anyway you want. What happened that night was not okay. It is not okay for anyone to do that to you. You can choose to name what happened that night whatever you want. That is your right. You can react to whatever happened to you however you want. And however you choose to deal with it - that’s also your right. But I - and I am sure many ladies of Mumsnet believe you. You don’t have to apologize or explain. I personally don’t care if you had a drink or not - what happened is not what you wanted to happen - and that’s what counts.

You can define what happened to you any way you want - and you can choose how you want to react.

You are legitimate. I believe you.

That’s what I wanted to tell you - English isn’t my mother tongue so I apologize for clumsiness.

You take care - you make the choices you need to make. And know that thousands of women are behind you.

As often the very first post says it all. It was not your fault.

Op
I think you have been raped . I am so so sorry
You could beat yourself up for this forever

First thing STD tests , just go to a walk in clinic and explain and get everything tested
Then call a victim support line

I am So sorry this happened . The curse of being a woman tragically

Wishing you well . Please don’t let this ruin your life , it really doesn’t have to

A few thoughts:

• as the rapist booked the Uber from his to yours on his account - he most likely has your address. Even more reason to report this ASAP.

• I assume the driver would remember you being in such a bad state but it would be difficult to track them down. The police could hopefully contact Uber and check for drop off’s near your house on that date perhaps

• if you bled that much, I’d recommend booking a GP or GUM appointment and get an exam. It’s scary I know, but you need to check if you’re injured. Your endometriosis may have contributed to the bleeding though. Do you still have the jeans? I assume the stain would still be present even after washing.

The police can also refer you for help with victim support

OP, you've taken a very brave first step posting this on here. Hopefully, the reassurance you've received on here will give you the confidence to get some real life support.

I’m so sorry, to echo everybody else this was absolutely not cheating and unfortunately you were raped as you were unable to consent. Please look after yourself

You were raped. Please don't think you were in any way to be blamed for what happened. Go to the doctor and to the police, you didn't deserve any of what happened. You can do this.

@Rachelfromfriends1 I do have the jeans but they are not stained. Years of having endometriosis, I've become a master at getting blood out of fabric.

It's very brave of you to go to the police. He absolutely needs to be stopped. The police may well contact your friends who were with you on that night to see if they have any information if they actively investigate it which you would hope they would.

If you were my friend I would want to support you as much as possible and I'm sure your old friends would do too. But just to warn you that could happen.

I hope the police can trace the Uber driver. It is very difficult to get convictions for but the more information the police have the more chance they have to get a conviction for someone if not for you. You can ask for a female police officer.

You have no reason to feel ashamed, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and had something really awful happen to you.

of course you were raped. I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. drugged people cannot consent. unconscious people cannot consent. people generally out of their skulls cannot consent.

whether or not it would be feasible to secure a conviction is an entirely separate question but the answer to that has no bearing on the plain fact that you were raped. the low rate of conviction for rape is part of the inherent misogyny in the patriarchy.

I think it would be ok to tell your DH. if he is a decent person he will not react badly. if he is devastated that is his legitimate emotional response to hearing thay the most important person in his life has been so grievously injured. trying to protect him from that grief by keeping him ignorant of it would not be a kindness.

I’m almost in tears reading this, OP. What happened to you was brutal and criminal. You were drugged and raped - attacked - by this cowardly, inadequate piece of shit, and NOTHING about that was your fault.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to gain by taking control of the situation. Good luck, sending you a big hug and wishing you all the strength you need to deal with this in whatever way serves you best.

Thank you so so much to all of you.

I don't even think I would try and pursue for him to be convicted. I don't want to put myself through court etc and I know that sounds terrible considering what he did, he's the worst kind of "man" in my eyes and is everything that is wrong in this world. I hope it was a one off and he never does it ever again, I hope he feels guilty about it but I strongly doubt it.

I would just like to log it just in case anyone else has reported.

Would the police take my wishes into account or would they pursue an investigation?

You were raped, this happened to me but it was by someone I knew. It took me a long time to accept and I have only recently told my DP, it was 10 years ago and I was with someone else at the time but I felt so ashamed. He is the only one that knows. You don’t have to report but please share with your partner you will feel so much better. Message if you need to chat xx