Was I raped or did I cheat?

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Last year in the summer, I went out with my girlfriends.

We are always friendly and chat to women and men, always have a good dance and drink.

I ended up separated from my friends, couldn't put my words together and couldn't see straight (this has never happened to me before, I've always been fine after a drink, never put myself in any danger and always stop drinking when I feel tipsy and start drinking water). I don't know what happened but I remember being in a taxi with a man who we'd been chatting to him and his friends etc in the smoking area when my friends went for a cigarette.

I must of panicked in the taxi as I remember him saying "I know you're married, you can sleep on the sofa and I'll call you a taxi in the morning, I just wanted you to be safe".

I was sick in the taxi, then I remember being in his kitchen, he gave me water and that's the last thing I remember clearly.

I then remember being face down on his bed and him inside me, I must of passed out because I woke up in his bed completely naked. I was shaking and felt like I'd been hit over the head with something, way worse than any hangover I've ever had.

I got out of bed, put my clothes on and he called me an Uber.

I went straight to the bathroom and had blood running down my legs after having a wee and my stomach was agony.

I left, got an Uber home, got in the bath and have been crying every day since. I feel so guilty, I can't tell DH. I love him more than anything and have never ever considered cheating on him. We've been together since we were 16.

I'm scared that I was drugged and raped and then another part of me can't remember if I initiated anything (again, this has never been in my character before and I do not agree with cheating). Because my memory of that night is in tiny bits and I can't, as hard as a I try, put it all together. I also had a "hangover" for about 2 days, was extremely sick including blood and couldn't lift my head up at one stage. (I've never taken any kind of drugs before so don't know if this is a side effect).

I don't know what to do, please does anyone have any advice? Please be kind I'm already beating myself up for this every single day.

If your DH will question why you got in the car, he clearly doesn’t know anything about spiked drinks. You literally didn’t do anything wrong.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him. And also report it to the police.

Absolutely agree with the previous posters. It sounds as though you had your drink spiked and were then raped. That is awful.
None of what happened is your fault and if you feel able to I would really advise you to tell your DH and the police.
You are 100% not to blame. You did not cheat.

You have to be conscious in order to initiate sex (and also to consent)
You need to speak to your husband about this. Do you remember who the man was? Or his address? Sadly, because it was last year I think any chance of getting him charged with rape is long gone but it’s worth logging it in case he does it again!

to you. Be kind to yourself, you aren’t to blame in any of this

You were drugged attacked and raped. I’ve been spiked and it sounds very similar to the state I ended up in.

Sorry you did say it was last year

I still remember his face from the next morning. He lived in the same town as my friend, in a really big house and I remember there being a hot tub and his kitchen was white tiles and he had a big fridge freezer with ice and water dispenser as I remember watching him getting my water.

I also remember him telling me in the taxi that he lives with his Dad as if to reassure me I'd be safe.

No I stupidly didn't go for any STD checks etc, I've never been for one before seeing as my DH and I have been together since 16.

DH didn't question why I was home the next day as we always get ready at my cousins then stay there the night after as she lives in the town centre.

Some STD’s don’t have any symptoms for years - deffo go and get checked. It’s easy and pain free, don’t let this sub Human hurt you anymore than he already has

I'm so sorry you were raped Speak to your DH, go to your GP and report to the police. You've been living with this for so long on your own - please share - you have nothing to be ashamed of. Can your friends help piece anything together or identify the rapist?

Op what did your cousin and mates say?

Op you need to get checked out, not only may you have an STI but you could have given it to your DH

Oh you poor thing

His speech in the taxi was purely to throw off the taxi driver when you panicked. He didn't want the taxi driver to be suspicious and alert anyone.

Your symptoms are consistent with the date rape drop GHB

You were raped, please go to the police.

It's just all too much for me. I'm pregnant again now and it's haunting me even more. I don't think I'd get anywhere with the police as it was so long ago, also not close to my mum and my sisters are very young.

I just don't feel I can say it out loud to any of my friends or DH. And DH will be very upset that my friends got separated and left me behind thinking I'd find my way back, I've drifted from these friends and haven't been out since. We still talk but they just thought I'd grown out of partying and knew we were TTC.

Pregnant now* not again.

I'm going to book a sexual health screen tomorrow, will they do it considering I'm pregnant? Sorry I don't know much as I've never had one before.

Sorry OP, sounds like you were spiked with a date rape drug. Very alarmed by the fact that you were bleeding afterwards. No consentual sex does that. Did you call the uber? Do you still have address record of the pick up house?

OP, you were raped. I would recommend that you speak to a doctor or counsellor in person or over the phone.

You should also take an STD test if you haven't already.

And consider reporting to the police, to start the chain of action that would stop this man from doing the same thing again. But it's a lot to think about.

I am so sorry.

He called the Uber for me.

I remember looking back at the house and he was grinning from his window at me.

I couldn't put my shoes on as I was so dazed and my jeans were soaked in blood when I got out the Uber. I remember the Uber driver asking me if I was okay and me sleeping all the way to my address.

I got in, ran a bath and washed my clothes.

Could you speak to your GP or phone one of the helplines others have reccomended?

I will call a helpline tomorrow.

Thank you so much everyone, you've confirmed what I thought and I hope I can shake this dirty, disgusting way I feel about myself with some help and support.

I need to see somebody before I consider telling DH, I know it'll break his heart and I don't want him to hurt like that.

I'm so sorry you were raped, you didn't consent. You are incredibly brave to write this down please stay brave and contact the police. If you don't feel like you can tell your husband the police can help you tell him they have specially trained officers, quite often female who can support you or please call woman's aid they can help to talk to both the police and your husband. Don't feel you ever have to apologize for the choices you made that night no matter what you did or where you slept should never ever mean rape is ok. X

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it appears 100% that he drugged you.
You did NOTHING wrong.
Please consider telling your husband.
If you've been together since you were teenagers then he will know you, he will know this is not in your character.

If you can't say the words, then show him this thread. Please consider it.
You need his support. Please OP

I am so sorry you're going through this.
Please tell, its not too late. I wil be thinking of you

Did he anally rape you op? Wondering why so much blood. Please get some counselling to help you process what happened