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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I raped or did I cheat?

179 replies

usernamechange123 · 19/01/2020 18:30

Last year in the summer, I went out with my girlfriends.

We are always friendly and chat to women and men, always have a good dance and drink.

I ended up separated from my friends, couldn't put my words together and couldn't see straight (this has never happened to me before, I've always been fine after a drink, never put myself in any danger and always stop drinking when I feel tipsy and start drinking water). I don't know what happened but I remember being in a taxi with a man who we'd been chatting to him and his friends etc in the smoking area when my friends went for a cigarette.

I must of panicked in the taxi as I remember him saying "I know you're married, you can sleep on the sofa and I'll call you a taxi in the morning, I just wanted you to be safe".

I was sick in the taxi, then I remember being in his kitchen, he gave me water and that's the last thing I remember clearly.

I then remember being face down on his bed and him inside me, I must of passed out because I woke up in his bed completely naked. I was shaking and felt like I'd been hit over the head with something, way worse than any hangover I've ever had.

I got out of bed, put my clothes on and he called me an Uber.

I went straight to the bathroom and had blood running down my legs after having a wee and my stomach was agony.

I left, got an Uber home, got in the bath and have been crying every day since. I feel so guilty, I can't tell DH. I love him more than anything and have never ever considered cheating on him. We've been together since we were 16.

I'm scared that I was drugged and raped and then another part of me can't remember if I initiated anything (again, this has never been in my character before and I do not agree with cheating). Because my memory of that night is in tiny bits and I can't, as hard as a I try, put it all together. I also had a "hangover" for about 2 days, was extremely sick including blood and couldn't lift my head up at one stage. (I've never taken any kind of drugs before so don't know if this is a side effect).

I don't know what to do, please does anyone have any advice? Please be kind I'm already beating myself up for this every single day.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 19/01/2020 21:39

Op you poor thing.

I just read your post to my DH who said he would want me to tell him so he could support me.

My heart breaks for you. You were raped.

KoalasandRabbit · 19/01/2020 21:42

When I went to police they insisted on an investigation and on trying to pursue charges. CPS rejects loads though and police says if man says you consented and just your word against his CPS normally reject case but this was a while back. It would only get to court with a realistic chance of conviction - if you still had clothes with blood on or uber driver remembered and you could identify him but realistically its a long shot as quite a delay. But it could help police identify him and help other victims and it could be uber driver does remember and can be traced.

If you aren't up to that there's Crimestoppers for anonymous reporting - not sure what happens with that but better than no information for police.

MindYours · 19/01/2020 21:51

Please tell your husband OP he will want to support you and you deserve his support. You didn't cheat. You were raped x

SirVixofVixHall · 19/01/2020 21:51

I am so sorry OP. Clearly you were raped . Please go to the police if you feel able to.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/01/2020 21:55

Yeah you were drugged. Sounds like you were given a roofie.
Rophynol I think is the chemical name.
It makes you black out, gives you a hangover and messes with your memory.
Then you were abducted and raped.

You should go to the police. You will need to tell your DH at some point.
So sorry you’ve been through this. But do report, usually when a rapist uses drugs to spike drinks he’s got a long list of victims.

KoalasandRabbit · 19/01/2020 22:08

I would also imagine there's quite a few victims as its planned.

UYScuti · 19/01/2020 22:13

usually when a rapist uses drugs to spike drinks he’s got a long list of victims
as per Reynhard Sinaga it wasn't a one off he deliberately looked for victims, I think he was only caught because someone woke up during the attack and beat the shit out of him.
Most likely this man is a practiced predator, with a list of victims

UYScuti · 19/01/2020 22:14

no one should feel ashamed, put all the shame on the rapist where it belongs

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/01/2020 22:22

realistically its a long shot

We don’t know that. OP reported classic roofie symptoms. And rapists that use roofies are usually serial rapists. She should at least report to police and see what they find. Let the professionals assess the case and tell her if it’s a long shot or not.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/01/2020 22:26

Horrifying how many women here, and pp’s DH, have had drinks spiked.
I have cried reading the thread.
Very moving post by the pp who bravely shared her experience of her feelings after being raped.
OP i posted not having read the whole thread, now I can see that this happened last Summer. I hope your plan helps you get support in real life, and that perhaps the things you do remember help with any police investigation if you do feel able to talk to them.
Flowers to you OP. I am so sorry this happened to you.

Worriedmama84 · 19/01/2020 22:29

You’ve done nothing wrong. You poor baby. Please tell your girlfriends or someone you can trust xx

PoloMama · 19/01/2020 22:35

This is horrific and you’re absolutely right in wanting to get this case logged with the police. Uber will definitely still have a record of the drop off to your address on the specific date and the address from where you were collected. The police will be able to request the data. Good luck op. You are very brave xx

KoalasandRabbit · 19/01/2020 22:40

I've said OP should report it if she's up to it but the conviction rate is very low, says 1.7% prosecution rate here. www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/rape-prosecution-england-wales-victims-court-cps-police-a8885961.html

mamabear2409 · 19/01/2020 22:50

Hunni if you have to ask that question, it's without a doubt rape. Speak to DH and explain. He can't blame you if you did not consent. Lots of hugs xxx

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/01/2020 22:53

Koala

Yeah, the number one reason for that is women decide not to press charges/go to trial so only 1.7% of reports get to trial.
BUT,
If it gets to trial, the conviction rate is much higher
“Rape allegations tried at court led to 31.6% of men aged 18 to 24 being convicted from 2017-18, the lowest percentage of any age group.
For men aged 25 to 59, the conviction rate was 45.6%.
The figures were released by the Crown Prosecution Service after Labour MP Ann Coffey submitted a freedom of information request.”
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-45624025

namechange1290 · 19/01/2020 23:05

I've told DH. I just blurted it out. I told him about this thread and the advice I've received.

There's been tears, probably the 2nd time I've ever seen DH cry in all our years together.

I feel horrific as he's feeling guilty that he couldn't protect me but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

He said he will support me in any way he can with whatever I choose to do, he also said he thought it was strange I was so hungover for 2 days as I've never really suffered hangovers and just put it down to me overdoing it. He wants me to go to police but understands it's my choice.

He's also agreed to get tested with me at Sexual Health Clinic and he is going to take emergency leave from work tomorrow to be with me.

I couldn't of asked for more support, thank you to all of you for your kindness and encouragement to tell DH.

Youmakemewannashout · 19/01/2020 23:07

You have been incredibly brave to write about such an horrific experience- no wonder you are still feeling so traumatised. If you do decide to report this rape, don’t worry that it happened last summer as the police will still be able to investigate. You have made a giant step by creating this post. Good luck in whatever you choose to do 💐

SirVixofVixHall · 19/01/2020 23:08

OP that is so brave, and your Dh sounds lovely. Such a terrible thing for him to process as well as you, i hope you can both get support to help with the trauma.
Sending unmumsnetty love to the pair of you.

namechange1290 · 19/01/2020 23:15

Thank you.

I hope we can move on from this after our tests have been done and reported to the police.

I already feel like I will be able to suppress some of the trauma with DH support and move on once I know I've done the right thing in reporting it.

Maybe I'll sleep easier tonight.

Thank you so much everyone xx

nocoolnamesleft · 19/01/2020 23:23

I am so glad you have managed to tell your husband, and that he has responded as any decent person would. Support on here is helpful, but nothing is worth quite as much as a real life person who can hold you and tell you it wasn't your fault.

UYScuti · 19/01/2020 23:24

OP, you deserve every help, every support, everything that's available to you to heal from this shocking and traumatic attack.
It was an attack, you were ambushed and made completely defenceless by a predator who knew exactly what he was doing and had very likely preyed upon others before you.
What this man did was horrifying and despicable, he is a stain.

Comtesse · 19/01/2020 23:27

So sorry OP. Glad your husband is being great. Flowers to you xx

CandyCaneLeBonBon · 19/01/2020 23:46

Not sure if you're aware but you've had a name change fail op

Sparkle2020 · 19/01/2020 23:55

So sorry you went through this op. I went through similar and the guilty feeling like you’ve cheated is horrendous. Glad your DH reacted the way he did x

OrangeSlices998 · 20/01/2020 00:01

Sending love to you OP, and others who have shared their experiences on this thread. Xxxx

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