Was I raped or did I cheat?

[usernamechange123]

Last year in the summer, I went out with my girlfriends.

We are always friendly and chat to women and men, always have a good dance and drink.

I ended up separated from my friends, couldn't put my words together and couldn't see straight (this has never happened to me before, I've always been fine after a drink, never put myself in any danger and always stop drinking when I feel tipsy and start drinking water). I don't know what happened but I remember being in a taxi with a man who we'd been chatting to him and his friends etc in the smoking area when my friends went for a cigarette.

I must of panicked in the taxi as I remember him saying "I know you're married, you can sleep on the sofa and I'll call you a taxi in the morning, I just wanted you to be safe".

I was sick in the taxi, then I remember being in his kitchen, he gave me water and that's the last thing I remember clearly.

I then remember being face down on his bed and him inside me, I must of passed out because I woke up in his bed completely naked. I was shaking and felt like I'd been hit over the head with something, way worse than any hangover I've ever had.

I got out of bed, put my clothes on and he called me an Uber.

I went straight to the bathroom and had blood running down my legs after having a wee and my stomach was agony.

I left, got an Uber home, got in the bath and have been crying every day since. I feel so guilty, I can't tell DH. I love him more than anything and have never ever considered cheating on him. We've been together since we were 16.

I'm scared that I was drugged and raped and then another part of me can't remember if I initiated anything (again, this has never been in my character before and I do not agree with cheating). Because my memory of that night is in tiny bits and I can't, as hard as a I try, put it all together. I also had a "hangover" for about 2 days, was extremely sick including blood and couldn't lift my head up at one stage. (I've never taken any kind of drugs before so don't know if this is a side effect).

I don't know what to do, please does anyone have any advice? Please be kind I'm already beating myself up for this every single day.

Even if you don't wish to involve police, you can contact your nearest SARC for support, advice, STI testing, counselling etc. Even if you really don't want to tell your DH, a friend or relative (which is your prerogative no matter what any of us here think) there is confidential support available.

I worked in forensics for some years, and on a daily basis worked alongside UK SARCs. They can carry out forensic examinations on recently reported cases. However, they also support victims of historical reports and only ever go along with the wishes of the victim.

You can find your nearest SARC from here:
www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Rape%20and%20sexual%20assault%20referral%20centres/LocationSearch/364

You have a moral responsibility to go to the police & tell them everything you know.

No she does not. Op should do what she feels she can cope with. Lay off with the emotional blackmail.

The only person with a "moral responsibility" is the fucker who raped her

You were unable to consent and were therefore raped. Based on your description I find it hard to believe the man concerned wasnt aware that you were incapable of consent. Please, if you can, tell your OH and he may be able to support you to report it if you want to.

@FrankSlater She has no such responsibility. She was raped. The only responsibility she has is to herself and her unborn child. RTFT - this happened last summer. And any retribution she seeks surely has to be through the courts. What a bizarre post.

OP So glad your DH is supportive. Please go to the police for your own protection. As a pp has said, if the scum ordered you an Uber, he would have had to put in a destination address.

Would the police take my wishes into account or would they pursue an investigation

If you go to the police they are duty bound to investigate - which will likely include interviewing the friends you were out with, as well as the alleged perpetrator if he can be identified. If there is enough evidence he would be charged and depending on his plea the case would go to trial. I’m not sure of the legal system in England (I’m based in Scotland), but there are some offences which are brought by the Crown rather than the individual so it wouldn’t necessarily be you pressing charges depending on how rape is prosecuted in your jurisdiction. It’s unlikely though, if the police are able to put a case together, that they’d not bring charges because you didn’t want to.

It’s entire up to you if you want to talk to the police - but you need to know it’s not just a case of logging it with them, if you tell them they will need to investigate as much as they can. Whether you do or don’t, you are not responsible for what this man has done to you or what he might do to others in the future. He is wholly and solely accountable for his actions.

Your first responsibility is to yourself, to do whatever will help your healing and recovery. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, I know from experience that healing and recovery are entirely possible, and I wish you every good thing.

Thinking of you OP ❤️ This isn’t your fault

You poor thing this is awful to read. Def rape

@SubordinateThatClause It is possible for a moral responsibility to be thrust upon you unjustly by a criminal and a sadist you know. Real life sucks.

My own experience of "the law" in this area is the source of my do it yourself attitude. If it becomes clear that no conviction is going to happen (which it probably won't given the passing of time & nature of the crime). There are things that could be done to get retribution without breaking the law too bad.

For example. Naming and shaming the perpetrator to his family, friends and neighbours. If he has a wife/girlfriend then she should know.

You need to stop thinking in such moralistic and black and white terms. Real life is a tragedy, not a melodrama

Stop talking bollocks Frank

@AnyFucker In all seriousness I don't know what you mean.

1. I agree that it is a serious rape
2. I think she should go to the police to seek justice for herself & to try to prevent future acts of violence by this man.
3. Given the nature of the crime I think it unlikely they will make a conviction.
4. I have no moral qualms about getting back at a sicko through non-standard means.

I may have written this all in a very blunt and autistic way but I think all of it is morally and intellectually defensible.

dos and donts when supporting a rape victim

Frank, this says it better than I can

@AnyFucker Thank I've read it and nothing I said contradicts any of it.

The only area of tension I can see is with my suggestion that she go to the police. It may be that she doesn't want to. I can't make anybody do what they don't want to. However, I would argue there is a moral responsibility to do what she can to prevent him doing it again.

Rape victims feel guilty enough. Look at the thread title: she is stiil not convinced she did not "cheat" fgs

Insisting she has a "moral responsibility" to report is piling on more pressure. If he has raped before or after her encounter with him it would be 100% his fault. She bears no responsibility for that.

I would support someone whether they felt they could put themselves through the often brutal process of reporting or not.

However, I would argue there is a moral responsibility to do what she can to prevent him doing it again.

I would argue there is a moral responsibility not to use emotional blackmail against a victim of rape, yet, here you are...

You've had lots of useful advice OP so just wanted to say how sorry I am that this happened to you and I hope you find some helpful support. Wondering if Rape Crisis or a similar organisation would offer support even if you didn't want to report to the police? There is no reason why you shouldn't report it as it wasn't that long ago: even if there is no dna type evidence, the best evidence is always that given by a credible victim. Rape is a terrible crime and please never blame yourself for what happened. I also know that pregnancy can be a real trigger for people who have undergone earlier traumas like rape and sexual abuse so please do consider trying to get a referral for some specific trauma based counselling/therapy before your baby is born? I hope you find some peace in future and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

However, I would argue there is a moral responsibility to do what she can to prevent him doing it again

So it’s not now enough that we blame victims for their own attack, we also blame them for attacks on other people? Fuck that. He chose his actions and is fully responsible.

Any agency working with women who have been raped will happily work with victims regardless of whether they report to the police.

Anyfucker said it better than I could.

OP I've just RTFT and I'm so amazed that you told your DH - and his reaction brought tears to my eyes! I'm so happy he's there supporting you.

The only thing I wanted to add was that if you're having flashbacks and crying everyday, have a look at the symptoms of PTSD. If it sounds like it fits, then I would suggest going to your GP and asking for trauma therapy, specifically EMDR. It's good for this type of event. If that's not available then there's trauma-focused CBT too. Regular therapy is definitely not the most efficient, or effective. As you're pregnant there may be other considerations, but it's definitely worth speaking to your GP about it as flashbacks definitely can be gotten rid of. You don't need to suffer with them. The closer to the event the easier it is (ie harder if you do it 5 years later, but can still be effective).

However, I would argue there is a moral responsibility to do what she can to prevent him doing it again.

That is such an awful piece of victim blaming. It takes so much out of you to even talk about having been raped, even to say the word. I remember this from when my repressed memories came back of being raped repeatedly as a child.

I only managed to report it when a policeman stopped me for speeding. It's the only time that's ever happened in my life; I was in a state and trying to get to an appointment on time. (I know it was out of order, please don't derail this thread to tell me so.)

Anyway, I ended up sobbing in the car and telling him what had happened to me. He was lovely. (I felt rather sorry for the young copper afterwards; he definitely hadn't bargained on having a middle-aged woman crying her eyes out in his car.

It also can feel like it's not worth going through it all again as there's such a low conviction rate.

And also, in the OP's case, she thought it might simply be cheating, and hasn't been able to tell her DH.

You did NOTHING wrong, OP. You shouldn't listen to browbeaters on this thread about moral responsibility to other victims, but you should tell your DH. If he's a loving DH, he will already know something is wrong and will be really worried about you.

@usernamechange123

I am soo so proud of everything you have done here, well done you for asking for help. You DH is an absolute saint too and I'm so glad you chose to confide in him.

The police will be able to track any historical ubers that have been to your address on a specific date, link that back to the address it was ordered to and therefore, all the account details for the man that did this. It's amazing what they can do these days... don't give up hope

Sorry, I missed some of the thread. I'm so glad you told your DH and that he's supporting you. I know how precious it is to have that support; my DH and my DBIL (my DSis was also abused) have both been wonderful.

Thank you everyone.

I don't feel it would be my fault if he attacked again, I now know in my heart that this isn't my fault and wouldn't ever be my fault if he did this to another person, no matter what actions I take.

I don't know if I want to put myself through reporting it, being pregnant and dealing with anxiety and depression is stressful enough as it is.

I know whichever decision I make, will be the right one for me personally.

DH has been amazing and I have a GP appointment booked for this afternoon.

Thank you all again x

And thank you to everyone of you that shared your experiences, although I wish this had never happened to any of us, I feel like I'm not alone x

Well done OP! Best of luck in getting yourself better.