Was I raped or did I cheat?

[usernamechange123]

Last year in the summer, I went out with my girlfriends.

We are always friendly and chat to women and men, always have a good dance and drink.

I ended up separated from my friends, couldn't put my words together and couldn't see straight (this has never happened to me before, I've always been fine after a drink, never put myself in any danger and always stop drinking when I feel tipsy and start drinking water). I don't know what happened but I remember being in a taxi with a man who we'd been chatting to him and his friends etc in the smoking area when my friends went for a cigarette.

I must of panicked in the taxi as I remember him saying "I know you're married, you can sleep on the sofa and I'll call you a taxi in the morning, I just wanted you to be safe".

I was sick in the taxi, then I remember being in his kitchen, he gave me water and that's the last thing I remember clearly.

I then remember being face down on his bed and him inside me, I must of passed out because I woke up in his bed completely naked. I was shaking and felt like I'd been hit over the head with something, way worse than any hangover I've ever had.

I got out of bed, put my clothes on and he called me an Uber.

I went straight to the bathroom and had blood running down my legs after having a wee and my stomach was agony.

I left, got an Uber home, got in the bath and have been crying every day since. I feel so guilty, I can't tell DH. I love him more than anything and have never ever considered cheating on him. We've been together since we were 16.

I'm scared that I was drugged and raped and then another part of me can't remember if I initiated anything (again, this has never been in my character before and I do not agree with cheating). Because my memory of that night is in tiny bits and I can't, as hard as a I try, put it all together. I also had a "hangover" for about 2 days, was extremely sick including blood and couldn't lift my head up at one stage. (I've never taken any kind of drugs before so don't know if this is a side effect).

I don't know what to do, please does anyone have any advice? Please be kind I'm already beating myself up for this every single day.

I'm so sorry I think you were drugged. Go to the dr and talk to you husband after x sending hugs 🤗

I'm so sorry OP.

Yes they will do sti checks if you're pregnant. It's just a couple of swabs / blood test (though if you're pregnant enough to have had blood tests they may already have checked HIV syphilis and hepatitis - you can look in your maternity notes - then you don't need to get more bloods done).

I hope posting here has helped a bit and is the first step to getting some more formal help.

Read your message back and imagine one of your friends had written it.

Please tell your friends and your husband. You'll need support to cope with having been raped.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of

I have pushed it away for 6 months now and every day I am crying over it and I'm crushed by guilt and the feeling of being dirty and disgusting.

I have panic attacks and have flashbacks that wake me up in the night.

I had to put it somewhere and get advice. I've been a user of MN for years and felt safe posting here for advice.

I am going to call the rape helpline tomorrow and also contact my GP so see if I can get on the waiting list for counselling.

I have had counselling before for my depression and anxiety so will not be something unusual if I tell DH I am going to get some extra support.

I need to really think about telling DH but I feel if I can deal with this on my own then I should. We are expecting a baby and (fingers crossed everything goes well) I hope with counselling I can heal and be happy again x

I’m very sorry this has happened to you OP. You shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own my lovely.

You might be surprised what can be done in terms of an investigation. As a nation we have so much cctv coverage. The nightclub may have cctv that would have seen you leaving. Any town centre generally has a lot of cctv coverage.

This awful man needs stopping, he will do it again, but take good care of yourself. 💐

To answer PP, I don't think I was anally raped raped as blood was coming from my front and I had terrible pain around my lower tummy (I have endometriosis and the pain was stronger than my period, lasted a day).

I then had my period a few days later.

I think my drink was spiked years ago at our student house party. Everyone described me as being really drunk but I had had one drink - possibly 2/3 as it was a home measure. I was vomiting, disoriented and the next day I just felt weird. Almost like I was hungover and drunk at the same time. I got up to go to my usual gym class and turned back as I was staggering through the street. I don’t remember going to bed at all that night but I woke up naked from the waist down and my jeans neatly folded on my bed. I also felt as if I’d had rough sex. Sober me doesn’t fold my clothes so I doubt drunk me would have. Your experience and how you felt sounds similar to mine. I think you were drugged and raped.

So sorry this has happened to you. You have been raped. I'm guessing you were drugged. You will be tested if you report it to the police. My heart goes out to you.

Please speak to the police. I'm so sorry this happened to you - you did not cheat, you were raped, and I hope very much that you have people around you who can support you.

That sounds like you were drugged and raped.

Do you remember the address of the house, description of the man? Date? Kept anything from that night?

Maybe worth logging with police but without evidence doubt they will do much but may help if some else has different evidence and together they maybe able to get a picture. So sorry you went through that. I would write down anything you remember - it's more what he looked like, any details about him than clothes that night.

OP please get some real life support, none of this is your fault, a crime has been committed against you, none of it is your fault

I remember the date as my friend has a photo of us posted on her Instagram from the night.

I also remember he wasn't tall, probably a few inches taller than me, he was overweight and had dark ginger hair.

If I close my eyes and think about it deeply sometimes I can remember things in his house like the big green plant and bright orange pot in his bathroom. I can also remember as I was leaving the next morning, a dog wandered to my feet at the front door, he/she was a jack Russell. Can't remember the address or street.

@usernamechange123 I used to work in the courts there was rape cases from 30-40 years ago being prosecuted, many many people do not report rape until months or even years later. Its really hard going in won't lie but it does need reported. If he did it to you he may have done it to many women. Even if it is just for your own mental health you need to report and avail of the support services that will be offered to you, for you and your baby you need to get the help you deserve X

This is quite clearly rape :( xxx You did nothing wrong. x Hugs xxx

'another part of me can't remember if I initiated anything (again, this has never been in my character before and I do not agree with cheating).'

I don't think you did, you were unconscious or virtually unconscious so unable to consent when the bloke was shagging you.

'Even if you did it's still rape IMO- a decent bloke would've realised you were too out of it to know what you were doing- this was clear as you'd thrown up etc. A non-rapey bloke would just've taken you home, or put a blankie over you and let you sleep.

Or even, wouldn't have separated you from your friends. xxx

So sorry this happened to you too @Chocolate1984 x

The police may just be able to work it out by the details especially if they have a few reports - if you know the town and the house had a hot tub, that narrows it down quite a lot plus you know the venue, that it was uber and a description. A lot of houses are pictured online now on Rightmove/Zoopla etc so they may be able to track it or another woman attacked say knew house number and they could piece together. Sounds like uber driver was concerned too. I would report to police if you feel up to it though it is very distressing and would understand if you don't.

I agree with other posters, you were raped. There is little point in going to the police though, such a low percentage of cases get to court and get found guilty. Honestly I wouldn’t put myself through contact with the police. What and how you tell your DH you need to think very carefully about. It is a horrible predicament for you. You should tell your GP and get checked for STI and ask for a counselling referral.

You said if you can try to go through it alone, then you will..... This makes me so sad.
I ask you to please reconsider this.
Your husband is your partner, who is there to be on your team to support you. Imagine how devastated you would be if something had happened to him and he felt he couldn't tell you... .
Of course we are all here to support you too but you will need close support around you.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.

This is something we need to teach every man, woman and child out there.

Im so sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you’re going to get some help in real life. I don’t know how far along with your pregnancy you are and not to frighten you but you May find that you want extra support and women only doing any internal examinations you have as it may trigger flashbacks - you may want to have help in that case. Take care, sending you every good wish X

Just a thought, but if you know the rough date and that the destination was your house, would it possible for Uber to find the record of the journey? It may not be something they'd do for a member of the public but presumably they could if the police request it? So sorry this happened to you OP, but it absolutely wasn't your fault and is definitely not cheating. I hope the test results are ok

If you cheated on your dh then you'd be owning what happened as you'd remember wanting to have sex with this guy. Personally speaking, being sick is a turn off for most people so the fact you were sick and yet you still found him having sex with your body (not your mind) suggests that he was expecting to be able to do that from the outset. He may not of drugged you but it sounds a bit dodge.
You sound like your dh will not be supportive if you tell him? None of us know what he is like but I found my husband very supportive and angry on my behalf rather than angry. It's not a situation that either of you havr been in before and any reaction is justified. Rape is still rape even if you don't fight, don't scream, don't report it to anyone. Rape is rape if you didn't want it it and didn't or couldn't consent - it doesn't depend on the behavior of the victim.

So sorry this happened to you OP.

Tell someone in person, your DH, a relative or a friend

Sadly I have had a very similar experience to you but it was someone who worked in the same company as me. Those flashbacks are awful- little snippets ping into your mind over and over. I doubted myself, wondered if it was my fault and couldn't remember the taxi ride or what the hell had happened. If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me. Xx

PS. Your behaviour of intermittent consciousness/memory flashbacks, feeling more than 'hangover' crap for more than a day after, uncharacteristic behaviour is just like how my DH was after we had a rare night out. We believe, after much discussion and analysing the night, he was drugged with a date rape drug but that it was actually meant for me but DH inadvertently got it. OR he got deliberately in order to get rid of him.

My DH got uncharacteristically VERY 'drunk', aggressive, confrontational, rude, uninhibited and later passed out only waking to crawl around in agony, throw up and pass out again.

Whilst DH was drunk and wandering round the venue and disappearing, a man hung around me like a fly round shit! Struck up a conversation, paid me lots of compliments, told me my DH was an arse for his current behaviour and I deserved better, punching above his weight etc (but which I knew to be totally out of character), bought me a drink that I didn't agree to (and didnt drink thankfully, as was too busy worrying about and trying to deal with DH) and asked if I wanted to go off to another club with him, tried to flatter me by explaining he was the son of the owner of the venue and brought over family members to back up his story and then got my DH kicked out of the venue. Acted like a vigilante on my behalf but I knew it wasn't quite right and I went with DH.

My DH was an utter wreck, could only remember snippets the day after, was utterly mortified and confused when I told him about his behaviour, was distraught at how he'd treated me (he was really horrible and said some hideous things to me, even pushed me out of a lift and told me to "fucking walk bitch!" while laughing nastily. He has NEVER spoken to me like that before or since in the 12 yrs of being together).

We now both think that the drink he bought me was also laced and I would've ended up raped while DH laid unconscious god knows where. But luckily I didn't drink it and was sober enough to get DH back to our hotel room safely (although couldn't get him in bed and had to leave him on the floor)

There are some sick fuckers and I think you were a victim of a monster who spiked you.

You are NOT to blame
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about
This is NOT your fault
You did NOT consent

There are p