Last year in the summer, I went out with my girlfriends.
We are always friendly and chat to women and men, always have a good dance and drink.
I ended up separated from my friends, couldn't put my words together and couldn't see straight (this has never happened to me before, I've always been fine after a drink, never put myself in any danger and always stop drinking when I feel tipsy and start drinking water). I don't know what happened but I remember being in a taxi with a man who we'd been chatting to him and his friends etc in the smoking area when my friends went for a cigarette.
I must of panicked in the taxi as I remember him saying "I know you're married, you can sleep on the sofa and I'll call you a taxi in the morning, I just wanted you to be safe".
I was sick in the taxi, then I remember being in his kitchen, he gave me water and that's the last thing I remember clearly.
I then remember being face down on his bed and him inside me, I must of passed out because I woke up in his bed completely naked. I was shaking and felt like I'd been hit over the head with something, way worse than any hangover I've ever had.
I got out of bed, put my clothes on and he called me an Uber.
I went straight to the bathroom and had blood running down my legs after having a wee and my stomach was agony.
I left, got an Uber home, got in the bath and have been crying every day since. I feel so guilty, I can't tell DH. I love him more than anything and have never ever considered cheating on him. We've been together since we were 16.
I'm scared that I was drugged and raped and then another part of me can't remember if I initiated anything (again, this has never been in my character before and I do not agree with cheating). Because my memory of that night is in tiny bits and I can't, as hard as a I try, put it all together. I also had a "hangover" for about 2 days, was extremely sick including blood and couldn't lift my head up at one stage. (I've never taken any kind of drugs before so don't know if this is a side effect).
I don't know what to do, please does anyone have any advice? Please be kind I'm already beating myself up for this every single day.