DH and SC collection.

[Arghfudgeit]

Will start this by saying I love SC dearly. There is no hate there (despite some frustrations from time to time like I have with my dd!)

We have an 18 month DD. Usually by the time SC are here it times out so I've had time to put DD down to bed and settle her. On the rare time it has been earlier, DD has been hellspawn for getting to bed. Understandably she is excited to see her brother and sister and just then gets over tired and cranky and refuses bed.

Yesterday DH collected them slightly earlier than usual. I had asked on the first call to PLEASE take them for a bite to eat first so it gave me a window to put DD done and settle her.

Next thing I know I get a phone call - with them in the car saying they will be home soon. So i then had to say yet again, DH I need to settle dd. It's too close to bedtime and will be a nightmare. I hated doing this as I don't want SC to feel like I'm putting them off coming round- but I'm 21 weeks pregnant, exhausted, and quite honestly wanted DD down without any fuss as I was exhausted.

After a bit of to and through (no anger or anything but convincing) he finally agreed to hold off twenty minutes. Which was still tight and I had to rush DD through bedtime. Which caused her upset.

Which then resulted in waking up in the night (always a theme if bedtime is rushed) and then early this morning. All that i had to deal with.

DH excuse? "I'd had a long day at work and just wanted to get home"

Now in my eyes, that is bloody selfish.

Add that he then, as always is the way on a friday. Sprawled on the sofa and barely engaged with anyone at all.

This caused some words to be said out of earshot of SC. One of which on my part was along the lines of "if you aren't even going to engage with your kids, rush me to the detriment of DD, all while using being tired after work as an excuse and then leaving everything to me. Why the hell even bother with a friday? Cos it doesn't benefit SC and doesn't benefit me or DD being rushed and stressed like that. Nor me in general when I am left to be a nanny after I have dd down cos heaven forbid you engage with SC or do anything." His response was "next time I won't bother bringing you back any take out and you can cook for yourself" I responded "that would be fine if you're not home before bloody 7! Or if you are, a LOT earlier (around 4) so dd has time to be excited and then wind down"

Today he is now slightly put out I a) still have a bit of a mood on with him and b) chose to go out as I was still doing it all anyway. An offer I did extend to SC btw as well.

None of this is an SC problem. It is a DH one. But now I'm wondering if I've been a bit of a hormonal cow.

He could have easily tweaked the schedule somehow to make life easier for you but he isn’t budging an inch is he. YANBU.

That was my argument. Not sit in a car on the drive and do nothing - but take them for food first (which we were getting take out of anyway). Gives you time to spend with them on their own. Gives me time to properly wind down DD. Which benefits everyone in the long run as I am well aware a screaming toddler isn't exactly fun for them either.

Plus it would have then left me free to engage properly and freely with my sc. Something that I do enjoy doing on a friday. Without a "sorry. Hold that thought gotta go tend to dd again" .

It is something that once dd is older, if she was out near future ds bedtime I would request the same of.

It purely makes sense for ALL involved. Everyone benefits.

The only person who benefited last night was DH and his ability to sprawl and switch off happening half an hour sooner

The reason the fridays in general came up was purely because his laziness is known with them - they've noted it themselves with "what else do I expect" .

He is entitled to wind down after work. But sc are entitled to engage with their dad also after giving up their main home comforts to be here.

Sc have commented before it seems pointless.

I know it sounds like me out to reduce contact. I just want his arse kicked up the backside so he gives them, me and dd what they deserve.

Having them sit there while he sits with headphones in or just blankly staring at a screen seems redundant for all involved.

You have had other threads with the same theme. He sees you as the childcare solution. Feel sorry for all the children really - he’s a bit of a crap father.

How much parenting of his own and your shared dc does he do? So cooking, washing, taking out etc etc
Or is it all your job?

Why do you let him disengage when he causes such issues? He doesn't see the problem just sees you flapping.

When the baby is playing up drop her on his knee and say 'your turn'! Switch of the TV or whatever is he doing and send in the step kids with a board game or something.

Don't let him disengage. And if baby is awake in the night wake him too why should you do it all? He is certainly a nightmare and very selfish.

That is my general feeling. And the more I talk to other single father friends, I realise it isn't actually normal. I was brought up in a "womans work/mans work" environment so for a long time I just assumed it was my role.

Not much in the way of care tbh. What he does do for all children is with my push and say so. When pushed and almost guilted - he will do it.

And a lot lately has revolved around work or working on the extension so I am left alone for most of the time with all.

He is slightly better with dd, but I purely put that down to her being a constant in his face and finding it more difficult to ignore needs.

But overall? It's me. Always me. A note the sc have commented on which saddens me. I dont want them to think poorly of their dad, that doesn't benefit them at all. And the eldest especially is old and wise enough to see things herself.

I have tried that approach before littleowl. It doesn't work. Or it may for a short time. A "get her off my back calming period" is what I like to call it now.

I don't resent doing things for my sc. At all. I do resent always being the one doing it all for all the kids while he flaunts about poking a head round now and then to play fun time. While even then I'm behind the scenes doing the grudge work.

Tonight for example I said pizzas were in the freezer for an easy night. Took myself to the bath (still there!) At half 6... he has only just poked his head round to say he will put the pizzas on then as everyone is getting hungry. Makes me feel like he was waiting for me to do it all.

Makes me feel like he was waiting for me to do it all.

Yep.
Question is - what do you want to do about it?
What is your situation re housing and finances?

It's hard for me to say. If this was someone else I would be the first to say "leave".

But leaving means then having to eventually trust my two with him alone. Means the sc will distance themselves from him over time cos he won't pull his weight and they already see that. Which means my DC will likely lose a chance to grow up with their other siblings.

And despite this MAJOR issue in our relationship- things can be quite good.

If I was to leave, I would get the home as it is officially my parents. But our finances are shot due to loans for the extension. Which would mean he would be lucky to afford a bed share. Which would then escalate the whole "sc/dc" not being able to see him as much down to the living situation he would be in.

You're pregnant, this isn't going to get any better. He doesn't want to change so you have to decide what you want next.

That is my concern. It will only get harder from here on out. I feel stupid for not truly seeing the issues before. But as I said, being brought up in a womans work/mans work environment made me think it was normal.

He’s opting out, opting out of looking after his DC, and leaving it to you.
Winding down after work could be a brew, not a full on disengaged dad complete with his headphones in. You really couldn’t get a stronger message he can’t be arsed than that.

Maybe consider going back to work.

@Wildorchidz

At 21 weeks pregnant?

I’m confused here...why does he have to hold off bringing the step children home because your DD is going to bed?

My younger son goes to bed before my DS5 and there’s no issue.

Remember if he has been out working then he may well have had a long day and so, presumably, have his children who would probably like to relax.

I don’t think their evening should revolve around your daughter’s bed time.

How do you feel after a long day at work?

I work full time with two children, 5 and 18 months and let me tell you I am absolutely fucking shattered by the end of the week and if you told me to hold off coming home because a child had to be put to bed I’d probably not be as civil as your DH.

Go out and work full time with children and then get someone to tell you to hold off coming home 😂😂

That is my argument - I am happy to do it all on a friday "work" wise as he has had a long day. Just at least engage.

I'm not asking for sc life to revolve around my dd bedtime. I'm wsking for a slight change in plans (which would benefit sc), so dd gets down so we can enjoy the evening.

Dd only sees them eow rather than daily - she gets over excited when she does. Right before bedtime would and has resulted in a night of temper tantrums and breakdowns.

If it had been an hour or longer, I would agree. Half hour so everyone isn't disturbed isn't a big ask and one I would ask if needed of anyone.

I don't consider eating out anything other than relaxing. Nor do they as they enjoy meals out. Wouldn't have affected their dinner time either. And would have still been the rihht time for their meal. While including the benefit of time alone with their dad

I appreciate it isn't ideal when you've had a busy day at work. Nor is it ideal for my dd (or me to a lesser extent as the breakdown would have been left to me) to have a completely destroyed bedtime.

I have been the one on the other foot before work wise. I done it for the sake of the children. Same as if I'm really ill and wish dd would just go to bed so I can rest - I power through and get on with it. For the children.

If he isnt going to deal with the consequences of an over excited child then he can hold off and grab a pizza or something

So, you'd be happy if they arrived much earlier or later?

I see your point. My firstborn had a great schedule. She went down at 7 and slept through - if her bedtime routine was calm and regular. Dh used to arrive home at 7ish sometimes and get her all excited which would wreck her schedule and therefore my evening/night. I never did get dh to understand that but then DS arrived and everyone's schedules went to hell anyway. Ime good schedules like yours are a luxury of having one child only!

At 21 weeks pregnant?

No.
But start thinking and planning for it. It may become financially necessary if it all goes pear shaped and the op and her husband separate.

That would be it - he wouldn't deal with it. Just be another job I would be left to.

Oh I know routined can't be promised or held too religiously. I'm not usually a full on nazi with her routine. Just I do draw the line at wind down time needs to be just that.

It will be hard with two little ones constantly, but the one thing I am at least (stupidly?!) Holding out hope on - is it will make a difference if she sees them constantly.

DH can come in right on her bedtime and se doesn't care. Carrys on and zonks out. But she just gets so excited to see my SC, it is like taking a kid to a hyper party and then expecting them to switch off straight away.

Presumably you had notice he was picking them up early and you could then have settled your dd earlier? It all sounds very regimented.

How old are the DC would they rather come on Saturday morning?