DH and SC collection.

[Arghfudgeit]

Will start this by saying I love SC dearly. There is no hate there (despite some frustrations from time to time like I have with my dd!)

We have an 18 month DD. Usually by the time SC are here it times out so I've had time to put DD down to bed and settle her. On the rare time it has been earlier, DD has been hellspawn for getting to bed. Understandably she is excited to see her brother and sister and just then gets over tired and cranky and refuses bed.

Yesterday DH collected them slightly earlier than usual. I had asked on the first call to PLEASE take them for a bite to eat first so it gave me a window to put DD done and settle her.

Next thing I know I get a phone call - with them in the car saying they will be home soon. So i then had to say yet again, DH I need to settle dd. It's too close to bedtime and will be a nightmare. I hated doing this as I don't want SC to feel like I'm putting them off coming round- but I'm 21 weeks pregnant, exhausted, and quite honestly wanted DD down without any fuss as I was exhausted.

After a bit of to and through (no anger or anything but convincing) he finally agreed to hold off twenty minutes. Which was still tight and I had to rush DD through bedtime. Which caused her upset.

Which then resulted in waking up in the night (always a theme if bedtime is rushed) and then early this morning. All that i had to deal with.

DH excuse? "I'd had a long day at work and just wanted to get home"

Now in my eyes, that is bloody selfish.

Add that he then, as always is the way on a friday. Sprawled on the sofa and barely engaged with anyone at all.

This caused some words to be said out of earshot of SC. One of which on my part was along the lines of "if you aren't even going to engage with your kids, rush me to the detriment of DD, all while using being tired after work as an excuse and then leaving everything to me. Why the hell even bother with a friday? Cos it doesn't benefit SC and doesn't benefit me or DD being rushed and stressed like that. Nor me in general when I am left to be a nanny after I have dd down cos heaven forbid you engage with SC or do anything." His response was "next time I won't bother bringing you back any take out and you can cook for yourself" I responded "that would be fine if you're not home before bloody 7! Or if you are, a LOT earlier (around 4) so dd has time to be excited and then wind down"

Today he is now slightly put out I a) still have a bit of a mood on with him and b) chose to go out as I was still doing it all anyway. An offer I did extend to SC btw as well.

None of this is an SC problem. It is a DH one. But now I'm wondering if I've been a bit of a hormonal cow.

No, it was all in the space of 30/40 minutes. So I was running on usual. If I had a warning I would have been able to work around it more.

As it stood in had to basically shovel food in her mouth while she tried to feed herself too, panic brush her teeth, rush bedtime in general. And launch her into her cot.

Whereas usually she sits and munches food for around 40 minutes. Then has a wind down night time/change of clothes and nappy. Then teeth, night milk and a story.

Sd is 11 - ss is 8. They have mentioned before the would rather a friday at their main home. Which I can't blame them for after a busy week, I know I would rather my own home comforts if I had the option after a long week. Especially when the main reason I didnt have that was to visit my dad with didn't engage with me anyway for the evening.

@Arghfudgeit

Sorry OP but I think you’re being a bit precious about it. Couldn’t your DD stay up a bit longer to see them? She’s going to have to get used to them coming round on a Friday night to see their dad.

I have a nighttime routine for both my kids (one of whom is 18 months - well 19 but same difference) and his bedtime tonight was out of sorts due to various things but that’s the way it is. He was fractious and didn’t want to sleep but 🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s the way it is sometimes.

It’s one night so let it go. Perhaps though I am more inclined to feel a bit for your husband because it is exhausting to work all week and having a veg out on the sofa doesn’t make him the parent from hell. My husband and I are both guilty of it sometimes.

because it is exhausting to work all week

My heart bleeds for him.
Actually no it doesn’t.
It bleeds for his 2 children that he sees for 2 days every other weekend.

Tbh - all that I likely would feel more lenient on if he was in general an engaged and hands on father.

I have no issue with picking up slack for him to have a rest. I have no issue with adjusting things to suit all, not just one.

That said, I have issue with being given a limited warning. While knowing the effects would affect me and affect me only and the result of always being the case of for the rest of the weekend I would in turn get no down time at all while he swanned around doing whatever and ignoring parent life. Rinse and repeate for the following week after.

This is consistent if I have the flu. When dd was newborn and i was exhausted.

If it was fairer overall - shit man we will work around it all. I know if I have a shit night due to it - I can rely on him to wake up in the morning instead to give me that window there.

I'm just tired of always being the one to give and make allowances for him, while it is never returned. Or if it is, it has been done so grudgingly and out of me begging.

I am happy to even do 80%of it all. With him, sc and dd. I appreciate my day to day as it stands is quite easy in comparison. But when it isn't, that aspect is ignored and I'm still expected to get on with it.

An example of how it is - dd was newborn. Breastfeeding constantly or throwing up due to reflux. I had if i was lucky, an hour or two uninterrupted sleep a night. For six weeks. During that period I was still expected to do it all. Day after dd was born I was left doing washing and mopping floors (pets make avoiding this just not an optopn) while he sat playing games. As he needed to "recover" from lack of sleep during labour.

Then we had sc round, and due likely to them being a bit unsettled - they needed a lot of reassurance through the night and had unsettled sleep for a while. Rather than get up and deal with one while I dealt with dd or used a window to sleep, I was left dealing with all cos every single time he "was too tired".

That is why I have a resentment to him making a simple thing difficult. Cos I never get any give and take back when it is needed.

And you thought having another baby with him would help how?

He needs to step up as soon you will have a baby and a toddler to get to bed!

Yabu to expect him to stay out after picking up your SC. Your home is also theirs. He then needs to help/engage though. I have missed their ages if you have put it. While you and they may think Fri nights are a waste of time, that is the arrangement and their mum may appreciate this time. You don’t say anything about her circumstances (work, relationships). She may also be perfectly happy to keep them home though and them to stay there.

Any chance you can speak with their Mum and ask if Saturday mornings would work for her?

If she doesn't mind push for that?

I do sympathise with him a bit to be honest. I'd be a bit peeved if I wasn't allowed in my own home with my own kids until all the way after bedtime. Why doesn't DH put DD to bed? Or you bring DD upstairs and the SC stay downstairs until DD is settled? It seems a bit much for the entire house to be paused for a toddler's bed time.

You need to be careful they don’t feel pushed out if asked to come Sat morning instead. It looks a bit like Dad is replacing them.

If he's lazy and unhelpful with DD I think that's a separate issue (and of course YANBU to be annoyed) from him bringing his kids back home on a Friday night.

Because I was very ignorant over what is actually fair. As I said before I was brought up in a womans work/mans work environment. I thought this was normal.

They are 11 and 8. Expressed and acted on staying home on a friday before now. Sc mum is lovely and runs with what suits them, although I do appreciate she is more than entitled to her own down time and this impacts that.

This is and will always be sc home, even if me and DH were to separate. Ignoring the sc aspect - I was a mum exhausted asking her husband to entertain the kids for half hour to save a massive battle I was too tired to fight.

Part of my initial reasoning was if dd starts (would) play up - it ruins their time too. As then it's a case of me running around like a fly flapping trying to balance it all. While dh sat there. Whereas the other option was a nice enjoyable meal with their dad and then a calm and enjoyable environment once home.

It was the case of a lesser of two evils due to DH not giving me enough of a window to adjust dds bedtime to slightly earlier.

If she had seen sc she would have been up (which has happened before) until ten, getting slowly more difficult and grumpier. Cos she was too wired to go down

It was half hour - anh more and i would be in agreement.

We live on one floor, so it is impossible for it not to impact others if shit hits the fan.

I would never vocalise (apart from with DH in a bit of a mood on my part) about cutting out fridays. I don't actually want that. If anything I wish we had them more cos I want my dd to build a normal sibling bond with them.

I brought it up purely cos it doesn't benefit anyone when it is just him doing what suited him. Not what was best for all his DC.

They will never be replaced, nor would I ever want them feeling that. If anything I worry that coming round after two weeks just to have their dad essentially ignore them encourages that feeling for them. As has been said in different ways by the eldest.

I dont want them here less. I just want him to step up.

I do think likely the care for sc and dc issue and the issue in general last night blurred though. If one wasn't an issue, the other wouldn't have been either as I would have known we could work through it as a team.

Honestly I think not a big deal, your lo is 18 months old- let him get excited with his brother and sister then get them to read a story together and off to bed- such a flexible age. I wouldn't be happy if I was asked to stay out of my house until my child was in bed after I'd been in work all day! I'd want all my children together- maybe relax a bit and let the timetable go on a Friday, enjoy the fun of the kids!

Could they come around one evening straight from school?

But I am sure you would also be the one to pick up the pieces of any downfall of that?

If that was the case i would have been okay with it. But being exhausted and knowing his choice in a change of plans only affected me with no consideration - pissed me off. Which I was right in. It was me who got uo in the night. Me who got up early with her. Me that dealt with a moody over tired toddler today due to it. While looking after sc also until I went out. I even had to remind him to sort their breakfast before he buggered off outside. As I was shattered and dealing with a clingy dd.

After school contact was discussed in court. Sc mum didn't want that for them (even predd) as with DH hours - would mean a pick up of after 6. And get them too hyper for a wind down period to match with a decent bedtime. Plus afterschool clubs and the rest.

I have offered sc mum if they ever wanted to come round they are welcome. That has always been an open door.

We may not have always got along - but we both have since we realised we both have the SC feelings at the front of our mind.

She knows they are ALWAYS welcome here. They know this too.

@Wildorchidz

Can people not be tired after a week at work? The guy might just want to sit down for a bit and relax. Honestly mumsnet kills me sometimes, you get one side a story and pillory someone.

Sometimes I sit down at night and my husband does most of the work other nights I do it.

It’s not a crime to be tired and want to zone out for a bit. I’m aware he sees his children every other weekend although not sure what contact is during the week but he can still be bloody exhausted and want a rest.

Again - of course he is entitled to be exhausted and rest. I am in general happy to support this. As far as even bringing drinks to him to save him getting up.

What I am not happy with, is the unbalanced nature of it all. It is always him that is tired and needs adjustment to accomodate. With none ever offered the other way if the shoe is on the other foot.

With the same excuses constantly why he can't parent.

I am not awful. I don't resent making his life easier after a long day. But when that same courtesy can't even be offered to me now and then? yeah I get resentful.

I am happy to take the brunt of it all day to day. I am not happy when a little bit of leniency isn't offered back. Which then makes me want to dig my heels in and stand my ground when I am running on empty, and just want a dd down to sleep so I can focus on then entertaining my sc, doing night time chores and then getting down myself.

This is a constant issue. Not just a friday night one which one can expect. Every single time work aspect of having kids is involved, suddenly he is useless and has some long story why his needs trumps anyone elses.

You have flu, he FEELS like he may be coming down with it so it's still best you handle it all. You haven't slept for weeks? Well he had a long day with no sleepless nights so clearly he is more exhausted.

You're unable to walk properly? Oh well it's best you hang the washing cos long day here!

He can have a week off, claim exhaustion the first few days - then the need to build up on his rest to avoid exhaustion once he is back at work.

You can both be off, I get up at 5 for arguments sake - he gets up at 9. Oh but he still needs to do nothing. Cos tired.

And no, there is no medical reason. He has gone for all the checks. If he can't use being tired suddenly something important has come up on his phone he needs to handle. Usually resulting in a general chit chat or a game he needs to handle or he will lose his clan or some equally stupid reason.

If dd wakes, he gets moody. Cos hey - startled awake. Like I wasn't?

Ss sick all over the thick rug while I was heavily pregnant and still suffering from sickness plus muscle aches. You clean it I can't handle sick. NEITHER CAN I AT THE BEST OF TIMES!

This isn't a wife not offering her poor hard working husband a break. He gets pretty much all his life bar his job as a break. I make sure of that.

It's a wife exhausted and tired of having no give and take even when needed.

Them being my sc wasn't relevant. Worded differently - I was exhausted and DH planned on bringing DC home slightly earlier with no warning. Resulting in a miserable young toddler I would be left to handle along with DC while he sat and wailed and moaned about being tired. Despite the fact I had a rough time ig it with dd that day and quite honestly couldn't wait for her bed time so wind down time in general could begin.

I needed to be able to sit down after the nights chores. Not often I ever ask for that. I was in a lot of pain and mentally stressed.

All I wanted was DH to pull a little bit of weight for HALF HOUR after which I would take over.

If half hour with your kids eating a meal is a hardship after work, wow. I truly do have a whole new level of respect for single mothers that have to do exactly that on a daily basis. Work. Kids. Bed. 247. If he can't handle that for half an hour that says more about him as a parent than it does about me.

Sorry in my ranty tired mode I forgot to add - there is no physical contact during the week. Purely eow Friday to sunday.

I know if I hadn't seen dd for nearly two weeks - exhaustion or not I would be happy for some one on one time. I feel it if she is gone a few hours. I feel it for my SC despite how tired I may be.

I look forward to it. I like catching up face to face cos texting/calling doesn't match being face to face and purely engaging.

I find it impossible to comprehend he can be like that always. I find it shocking half hour is so horrendous an idea for him. On the RARE occasion it is asked.

I find it terribly sad for my SC. It has reached the point I do wonder why he has them - not cos I don't want them. I'd have them regardless of DH. But why use what limited time you have with your kids to just ignore them? Surely you'd want to make the most of it?

Surely if you ignore the sc aspect, as a family tou all run together so all dc needs are met. I know I always put myself last under my SC and DC. They are children and need that.

I have asked DH before if he would consider me and his ex a good mother if we acted like he did towards the kids. His answer was no. I have asked if I always left him to deal with sc and DC if he woild feel that os right. He has said no.

He would not like it if the shoe was on the other foot. Why should I?

Ok OP then you need to have a serious word with him.

Your OP didn’t make clear that it was every week. Even some weeks I’d be inclined to think he probably is shattered tbh but if you’re seriously unhappy about it and it’s every single week then you have to tell him 🤷🏻‍♀️ Otherwise it will fester and you’ll become bitter about it which is no good for you.

Sorry if I seemed a bit narky. I do know what it’s like to be pissed off with my DH and mine does have form for trumping illnesses which is infuriating to say the least. I just know the feeling of being absolutely drained after work.

IMO you’re right to keep the kids coming on a Friday night. It’s not fair on them to miss out. Perhaps a movie night would chill everyone out?

I do still think your DD needs to get used to her siblings coming home when she’s awake and getting used to going to bed.

I've tried every angle of ways to talk to him. It changes for a brief period and then goes back again.

I do appreciate dd needs to learn to adjust, her bedtime will only get later and sc can't have time dragged out like that in the long run.

But for that to happen, I need support. Work was bloody hard some weeks without kids, so I do get how it adds to that. Even when he isn't dealing with it he still has to listen to it.

That said, until he decides to buck up I'm not willing to take any more on. Purely because i have learnt from experience the more i do, the more that is expected and even less i get in return.

I suffer with depression at the best of times. Suffered with pnd after dd. I am not willing to put myself in thst situation again.

Obviously I don't mean sc missing out due to that, at all. I just want him to step up or step out.

Not suddenly become miracle man. I've seen relationships where the wife/girlfriend does nothing and their partner or husband is left run ragged. I don't agree with that. I just want fair. I'll take the greater brunt home wise. But every now and then do the same for me so I'm not left burnt out

So you tell him that Friday nights he will now always feed the SC a meal out, he can sit down and engage with them away from the house, bring them home at 8, at which time he can slob out, your child will be asleep, and you can have some time with the SC.