DH and SC collection.

[Arghfudgeit]

Will start this by saying I love SC dearly. There is no hate there (despite some frustrations from time to time like I have with my dd!)

We have an 18 month DD. Usually by the time SC are here it times out so I've had time to put DD down to bed and settle her. On the rare time it has been earlier, DD has been hellspawn for getting to bed. Understandably she is excited to see her brother and sister and just then gets over tired and cranky and refuses bed.

Yesterday DH collected them slightly earlier than usual. I had asked on the first call to PLEASE take them for a bite to eat first so it gave me a window to put DD done and settle her.

Next thing I know I get a phone call - with them in the car saying they will be home soon. So i then had to say yet again, DH I need to settle dd. It's too close to bedtime and will be a nightmare. I hated doing this as I don't want SC to feel like I'm putting them off coming round- but I'm 21 weeks pregnant, exhausted, and quite honestly wanted DD down without any fuss as I was exhausted.

After a bit of to and through (no anger or anything but convincing) he finally agreed to hold off twenty minutes. Which was still tight and I had to rush DD through bedtime. Which caused her upset.

Which then resulted in waking up in the night (always a theme if bedtime is rushed) and then early this morning. All that i had to deal with.

DH excuse? "I'd had a long day at work and just wanted to get home"

Now in my eyes, that is bloody selfish.

Add that he then, as always is the way on a friday. Sprawled on the sofa and barely engaged with anyone at all.

This caused some words to be said out of earshot of SC. One of which on my part was along the lines of "if you aren't even going to engage with your kids, rush me to the detriment of DD, all while using being tired after work as an excuse and then leaving everything to me. Why the hell even bother with a friday? Cos it doesn't benefit SC and doesn't benefit me or DD being rushed and stressed like that. Nor me in general when I am left to be a nanny after I have dd down cos heaven forbid you engage with SC or do anything." His response was "next time I won't bother bringing you back any take out and you can cook for yourself" I responded "that would be fine if you're not home before bloody 7! Or if you are, a LOT earlier (around 4) so dd has time to be excited and then wind down"

Today he is now slightly put out I a) still have a bit of a mood on with him and b) chose to go out as I was still doing it all anyway. An offer I did extend to SC btw as well.

None of this is an SC problem. It is a DH one. But now I'm wondering if I've been a bit of a hormonal cow.

Phone the police.

He using self harm and threats of suicide to keep you under control.

I would find some where else for you and DD to stay tonight and tell your SC's mum what has happened and how he is behaving towards their DC's and yourself.

Phone the police. They will believe you and help you.

Phone your parents or even the sc mum. She will have likely seen it all before.

Don't let him bully you into accepting this. He is wrong.

Yes police OP this could escalate

My parents are in the house next door. I don't want them to see police turn up or anything. They are elderly and both seriously unwell. The stress it would cause them would be immense.

My worry I have as well - is when I listened to him retelling it all in his version with the major bits cut out - I DO look like the unhinged miserable old hag that got angry over nothing and he wss just being oh so calm and reasonable.

I have a history of depression. I am worried the past where I have overdosed and that will all play into his version of me being unhinged. He brought that up himself.

I've seen him for what he is, truly now. A bully. When he has threatened suicide before and I have begged him not to go and emotionally chased him afterwards via text - he was happy to stay gone for a few hours to scare me. Because this time round I stuck to my guns - suddenly the best option to scare me was by staying and doing the creepy unsettling voice and tone. I can't quite put it into words.

He knows he was terrifying me. I was heaving and even threw up a little out of fear. Couldn't stop shaking.

He then continued to refuse to leave (lounge has all doors leading off it so basically center) , sat down and watched a fucking film?!

Reminded me again I was free to call the police, but it would only serve to make me look bad.

Has now fallen asleep on the sofa and I'm just sitting staring at him wondering how the fuck my life came to this.

Why are you still there?

Pack your bags and leave

Don’t feel guilty about how kids - think about you

OP. So sorry for you.

He's an abusive bully.

You know this.

No surprise.

He knows this.

He knows it well.

Think hard about the future because it looks really miserable.

Reach out for help. Call the police.

Or simply exit the abusive relationship because this is clearly what it is ....an abusive relationship.

Please, please, do not keep silent because of your parents.
Please think of your poor child.

💐💐💐

My house is essentially attached to my parents - large property with space that equated a large self contained annex type building. Initially built for my nan. We moved in a year after she passed.

I have nowhere to go. Going to my parents is still essentially the same building as such.

Sisters is packed. I have no travel cot for dd.

Parents are likely still awake in there end - they will see outdoor lights automatically go on if I step out. Mum is very much a watcher and would be on it like a shot.

I will be getting out of this. There is no going back now. Tomorrow I will be making my moves in regards to just how I can get him out the house and move on.

Because we pay my dad a certain amount to cover Bill's and such - dh has said he always put it down as rent. Apparently he can get my dad in trouble for that as it wasn't a declared tax thing? But it was purely to cover our cost of the Bill's and council tax!

Last thing he said to me before he fell asleep was that he would be back after work tomorrow. I asked him how he expected me to move on from this, apparently it would just take time?!

They are idol threats! He isn’t capable of jack shit. Do you really think he’s going to bother with police and solicitors etc?

Tomorrow grab a few friends, move all your stuff out to your parents - his stuff in the harden and change the locks.

Stay with your parents until he gives up - 2/3 weeks tops

You won't be going anywhere you need to kick him out. Do it whilst he's at work if you have to and change the locks.

While hes at work tomorrow I would change the locks and leave his belongings outside and if it escalates ring the police, also inform your parents tomorrow on what is happening with him as if it does escalate one of them will be able to ring the police also.

Thing is it wasn't even rent as such, despite being described that way for the sake of ease. It was purely for as I said, bills and council tax. This was all done to help us save to get on the property ladder ourselves.

Then they both got cancer, and we realised due to their ages and the reality of blood cancer - it made sense to stay and extend. So we could eventually help look after them as was my wish. One DH happily agreed to.

It was never a rent to profit situation. Just understandbly they couldn't afford to fully bankroll us (nor would it be expected on my end) especially with losing the chance to rent out the place if they wanted.

Moving into my parents although I know they would take me and dd wouldn't be an option. Not for their sakes anyway. My father has been given a possibility that he may only have a year on the lower end of the scale.

My mum isn't handling her chemo well.

I can't imagine he will go quietly regardless, but after the side I've seen tonight of him I have a fear that he will use them to get to me. If I am physically in there that will make it easier for him.

I am going to calls womans aid tomorrow. Get my thoughts together after that and then approach the situation with my parents and explain just what happened tonight.

My bedroom where dd is has a lock and access to my parents. One wiggle on that door and my dog will bark, so even if I do fall asleep I'll wake quickly enough.

Tonight is the night I bide my time. Tomorrow will be the day I set in place action.

This will not be the life I bring into my dds life. I want the dream I had. Being happy. Content with my kids. Safe.

Luckily my parents were thinking of moving an hour away anyway if I would too. I can discuss this tomorrow also. Get away completely and hold some distance between him and us.

Judging by his history - I think unless he has someone behind him kicking him up the butt to bother with his kids - he will leave us alone. Especially once distance is included in that.

Will take time, but I can see a life without him at all.

Just caught up. If someone threatens suicide the official advice is to phone 999.

He showed his true colours quickly once challenged. He needs to move out, not you. He needs to
Be away from your ill parents

That was my thought, the sympathy act didn't play out how he wanted so he got nasty.

If I had begged him to not, to stay safe etc he would have left to scare me more.

At one point he even asked me if I would see him out in the cold (he has a car, funds for a night in a bnb and family all within half hour) . I said yes over risking m dds health and safety. I got told that made me a sick nasty human being and he never thought I could be so awful.

Compared (pre dd) to when I cut a few years back to him punching himself in the head.

Maybe it's just cos I was on the other end to it, but I find it hard to compare the two beyond the obvious self harm aspect.

One was done calmly and quietly when very broken. Just tears and lost. The other was a very agressive act by a man twice my size and with a strong build. In the past he has done kitten scratches before and I have never felt that same level of fear as I did with that fist to the head.

He is unstable. He is aggressive and has threatened suicide. You have sick elderly parents and a child in the house. Id seriouslymphone the police op.

I do keep bouncing back and forth over if I should or not. Not through worry of protecting him. I have none there.

I just want this all done as calmly as possible to save as much stress as I can for my parents and dd.

Luckily as it stands none heard anything. Dd would wake if she did, she wakes easily when disturbed and won't settle without me. Parents would have been in like a shot.

I will be going in to the bedroom, locking the door and opening the door into my parents once I am sure they are asleep.

If (which I don't think he would as it wouldn't play well with the way he is planning on spinning things) he done anymore than try and push the door. Dd will be picked up and taken straight into my parents where I will call the police.

There is no way he could do anything silently enough to bypass that door without setting my dog off. If you sneeze suddenly he barks long and often!

He is still sleeping and quite honestly the more I look st him the angrier and more certain i get. Hiw can you cause someone so much pain and then snore away happily?!

I mean my parenrs woild be in if they had heard anything like that going on. They don't come running in if dd gets a bit upset!

As he was talking tonight all I thought was "this was all the same twist of events he told me about his ex. Crazy. Spiteful. Used him. Clearly cheated on him. Was out to just fuck him over and he had done sod all" a story which it turns out seems to be typical of men like him.

They lose the game the first time, play it again with added sympathy hits. All while being oh so charming it is hard to disbelieve. At one point tonight I did question myself until I went back and checked texts sent and the like where x was discussed. Despite him swearing blind it wasn't.

His lost another game and showed me who he truly was. All I was ever expected to be was a yes man while he done what he wanted. Moment that stopped and the fear and love aspect died, suddenly the intimidation and manipulation came out to play instead.

Yep a nasty bully. As it's your parents house I'm sure they could get the locks changed...

That will all be part of discussions today.

I haven't changed my mind. Came out to the lounge very tidy. Usually if he sleeps in there pillows and underwear are left on the floor and such. I assume to look like he is making an effort. All it makes me think is just how much easier my life is not having to clean up after him

Oh OP, your eyes are finally seeing the nasty bully for what he is.

He will probably revert to being nice again as he sees your resolve.

Either way you can't go back to not joining the dots.

I also think you should flag with the police your number so they can come quickly if necessary.

However unwell your parents are, they would hate for you and your daughter to stay in this situation to protect them.

The nominal amount ye have them was towards bills. You have nothing to fear.
He is threatening you and your parents.
He is a very ugly man.

How happy his ex must have been to get rid of him.
Remember that.

Wishing you strength 💐

He's living in your parent's house so he can be kicked out.
Pack up his stuff, talk to your parents and get the locks changed. Any more suicide threats and call the police.

You can't carry on like this

OP, your DH is exactly like my XH. He won't change. You must act, because your DC are relying on you.

I agree with PP, change the locks when he is at work, bag up his stuff and text him when he can collect it. Have a friend round for support if he comes back and kicks off. This man is dangerous. Get all your paperwork sorted too. Call the Police if he threatens suicide again or to hurt you. It is purely manipulation, and nobody will think you are unhinged. These professionals have seen guys like him a million times before. They will see through his act.

Also Womens Aid. And the Freedom programme.

I'm so sorry op.

So I spoke to my parents today and started to lay it out slowly. I never got to the worst of it all, they bypassed it all. Said he was likely upset because me asking for help with the kids as I'm really down Atm and need a break from dd if anything implies I don't want them here.

I never told them the rest after that as I felt it would just look like i was painting a worse picture for the sake of winning points back as such.

I have a brief WhatsApp conversation with DH today where he admits about last night, yet denies any wrong doing because he didn't shout. Yet in the same sentence said how hurt he was he had upset me and would never hurt me or dd.

I pointed out the fact he sees nothing wrong makes me even stronger in my resolve, that abuse takes many forms and you don't need to shout to be intimidating and frightening. Especially when you're twice my size.

No response. I don't really expect one.

I just don't know what to do, without my parents being on side I know if I refuse access he will go through their way. Sit and discuss things all rationally and kindly. Then I'll look the bad one.

But I can't say "oh and by the way this is how the whole thing played out fully" now as it will seem like I'm exaggerating.

Having them sit there while he sits with headphones in or just blankly staring at a screen seems redundant for all involved.

Good lord his poor kids shouldn't have to put up with that.
And neither should you.
I would want to remove his headphones or screen with a bright & breezy "so what are we all doing together tonight then? Game? Film?" & bloody make him own his parenthood.

If he didn't like that, then he would need to rethink his schedule because picking his kids up on a Friday just to ignore them isn't making them or him happy is it?