DH and SC collection.

[Arghfudgeit]

Will start this by saying I love SC dearly. There is no hate there (despite some frustrations from time to time like I have with my dd!)

We have an 18 month DD. Usually by the time SC are here it times out so I've had time to put DD down to bed and settle her. On the rare time it has been earlier, DD has been hellspawn for getting to bed. Understandably she is excited to see her brother and sister and just then gets over tired and cranky and refuses bed.

Yesterday DH collected them slightly earlier than usual. I had asked on the first call to PLEASE take them for a bite to eat first so it gave me a window to put DD done and settle her.

Next thing I know I get a phone call - with them in the car saying they will be home soon. So i then had to say yet again, DH I need to settle dd. It's too close to bedtime and will be a nightmare. I hated doing this as I don't want SC to feel like I'm putting them off coming round- but I'm 21 weeks pregnant, exhausted, and quite honestly wanted DD down without any fuss as I was exhausted.

After a bit of to and through (no anger or anything but convincing) he finally agreed to hold off twenty minutes. Which was still tight and I had to rush DD through bedtime. Which caused her upset.

Which then resulted in waking up in the night (always a theme if bedtime is rushed) and then early this morning. All that i had to deal with.

DH excuse? "I'd had a long day at work and just wanted to get home"

Now in my eyes, that is bloody selfish.

Add that he then, as always is the way on a friday. Sprawled on the sofa and barely engaged with anyone at all.

This caused some words to be said out of earshot of SC. One of which on my part was along the lines of "if you aren't even going to engage with your kids, rush me to the detriment of DD, all while using being tired after work as an excuse and then leaving everything to me. Why the hell even bother with a friday? Cos it doesn't benefit SC and doesn't benefit me or DD being rushed and stressed like that. Nor me in general when I am left to be a nanny after I have dd down cos heaven forbid you engage with SC or do anything." His response was "next time I won't bother bringing you back any take out and you can cook for yourself" I responded "that would be fine if you're not home before bloody 7! Or if you are, a LOT earlier (around 4) so dd has time to be excited and then wind down"

Today he is now slightly put out I a) still have a bit of a mood on with him and b) chose to go out as I was still doing it all anyway. An offer I did extend to SC btw as well.

None of this is an SC problem. It is a DH one. But now I'm wondering if I've been a bit of a hormonal cow.

I think you can say, 'well, I'm afraid I wasn't completely forthcoming with you, and go on to explain what you've held back, and why you did.'

The main thing is, they're your parents, you need them in your corner, to help keep their daughter and grandchildren safe, and able to become happy and secure in life. You are where they owe their allegiance to.

Day after dd was born I was left doing washing and mopping floors (pets make avoiding this just not an optopn) while he sat playing games. As he needed to "recover" from lack of sleep during labour.

Oh good grief.
Take him out & shoot him, this is never going to improve.

Or if you prefer not going grey in chokey, set him free to spend all his free time on his screen in his bedsit, while you & your 2 kids enjoy your home, with occasional, non-stressful & fully engaged visits from your SC.

Sound to me like you & the children all really like & care for each other. I'd be focusing on that, & whether their father is actually necessary to that equation.

I honestly think OP that you need to go in and spell it out to your parents and tell them you do not feel safe with him and I think you need to contact the police and tell your parents that is your intention.

They need to know you are serious.
You do not want him back in the house.

You can do this OP.

He is a horrible man.

💐

You need to be careful they don’t feel pushed out if asked to come Sat morning instead.

OP has already told us that they have said they would prefer to be at their 'main' (mum's) house on a Friday night.

He is a lazy cocklodger OP. No wonder his first marriage failed.
If you can bear to type any more, post in relationships for understanding and advice. You have had a few understanding replies on here, but AIBU is never a good place to post about relationships.

Your action plan is really sensible, fair & reasonable OP.

Apart from this bit:
Then (purely cos I know he would play dumb otherwise) both sign it as proof we both agreed.

If you are having to get him to sign an agreement as proof against him lying about it later, can I ask what exactly is in it for you within this marriage?
I mean, seriously ... what is the point?

The next Friday he’s early, hand the toddler over to him and say Just of to Debs for coffee, see you in an hour’ and leave

@GreenTulips this is a splendid notion.
I hope OP enacts it.
Sadly though, from what I've read about DH so far, I guess that rather than learning from the experience, he would simply put it down to his wife being a "difficult woman".
Also that when the inevitable happens & DD stays up til 10pm 'cos she's too wired to sleep, that OP will be the one handling the fallout.

Then hope things improve. If not I will have to reassess reality and see where I stand legally in regards to access.

If that reassessment does ever lead you to divorce, you don't need to worry about access, OP.
Unless somebody else facilitates it for him, it won't happen. Meanwhile, you & SC's mum can amiably sort out who is doing what & when, & SC's will benefit from having two parental figures who actually give a shit about engaging with them & listening to what they want.

There is no point. I realised that last night. His attitude today just cemented that for me.

Its finding a way to get out of this where he doesn't paint me as unreasonable and insane to my parents. Silly as it sounds, their opinion matters to me. With all they have going on health wise I need them to completely understand just why I am walking away.

I don't want to add further stress and worry for them.

Luckily his work is manic, so I can navigate dds bedtime so she isn't around him. It's only sunday and the every other week I need to worry about. In which case I will plan to be out with her and invite the kids too.

I need a really serious think on just how to get out of this that is evidently the right thing to do.

The sc, dd and my parents are my priority atm.

I have spent half of today trying to word a message to their mum. She has made comments before about his moods, so I can only assume she has seen similar first hand herself. But it's making sure it is worded in a way that is clear it isn't me just wanting to feign care to dump her kids off.

He has left me feeling so helpless and like no one will believe me I just don't know where to turn or how to handle it.

All I know is i want out. This will not be my fucking life. I refuse. If not for me then for my children.

More leaving him to get on with dd during other quieter times so he has a clearer view on it all.

OP - I will lay money on this - if you are able to get him to spend more time with DD, he won't use the experience as a wake-up call to help him realise "OMG, Fudge's role is really hard, she must be exhausted".

Instead, he will use it as yet another excuse:
"OMG Fudge, I've had the child for 90 minutes already today, can't you see I'm exhausted?"

If anyone is going to believe you OP it is going to be his Ex and it sounds like you have an OK relationship with her already. There is a high chance that she has been through exactly what you have. She will also want what is best for her kids so if they need to go home early she will have no problem with that - she will know that you only have their interests at heart.

I am sorry that your parents didn't want to listen but you will just have to try again or if there is another incident like last night - call them this time. Let them see or hear for themselves. It shouldn't have to come to this but maybe it is what is needed.

Surely the answer is he does bedtime when he gets it! I can understand why he wouldn't want to stay out

Realistically if you split up the SC would likely drop away from your life over time

Mine didn't.
In fact, post-divorce, we became closer than ever.
OP & her SC's like each other - no reason not to continue a relationship, especially as OP is cordial with their mum.

OP, he punched himself in the head and gaslighted you into believing people would think it is your fault if you told anyone.

Read that back again.

He either is terribly mentally unwell, and cannot help his actions (unlike ime) or has some sort of personality disorder. But regardless, he scared you, he is bullying you into submission, and manipulating you into not telling anyone.

TELL SOMEONE! Blow his little plan out of the water. Tell your parents the whole story and tell them you need their support. If he is unwell, then he cannot be trusted with DD or around you because you deserve to be safe and he must leave. If he is just a nasty bully, he has to leave for the same reasons. Your parents have to support your decision. No wavering. Demand it from them as your parents. Tell them there is domestic abuse and you need their help to get him out. You don't have to explain the details to them.

Have you called WA yet?

Your giving your child very preferential treatment. Your DC is not an only child, they have siblings. You can't shut the siblings out of the house or make them eat out so DC can have peaceful bedtime. YABVVU

But I know I fucked up. I never want my SC upset and now I'm the one that upset sd.
You didn't fuck up.
There was an accident. You cried out in pain & shock. Your next thought was "oh no I have upset DSD & must comfort her."

I feel like the worlds worst stepmum when all I try to do is my best.
No step parent or ACTUAL parent could have done more.

Now I'm wondering if I should message her mum first and let her know what has happened.
Stop fussing & overthinking.
Do you think she hasn't done similar? - you know, like every parent out there?

You do know he can claim half the house if you inherit it.
Chuck him out, get a solicitor to do it legally and start a divorce.
You deserve a life.

Then stated if I left I'm a selfish cow.

Oh fucking hell he is a piece of work.
Leave the twat.
Your DD, SC's, & their mum won't think you're a selfish cow. Funny that, innit?

This is really weird OP.
they are your parents--why not just tell them the truth. Do you think they'll believe him over you? If so, then you have bugger problems than we thought eg abusuve parents.
Please don't drag this out any longer. You are in a very fortunate position to be able to legally change the locks of both yours and your parents. Change the locks, bag up his things and stay strong

I have just told my sister. She is going to call tonight once her DC are in bed too so we can properly talk.

She said herself he is in the wrong and has seen stuff herself which made her question him.

First step made. Once I feel like at least someone will support me and understand I think the next will be easier.

One foot in front of the other until it is over.

Good on you! And your sister!

And we believe you. I was truly very worried for you last night.

I don't think they would believe him over me as such. I just want to leave no room for him to lay doubt in their mind.

They have enough worry. Leaving him while pregnant with a toddler dd will cause them worry no matter how deserved. I need them to know 100% it was the right move in their hearts.

The last thing they need right now is more stress and worry. They are very vulnerable.

Up thread I explained my dad has been given at the worst a year. My mum isnt coping well emotionally with her chemo. Regardless of how right this is, it will be one more thing on their shoulders.

I want to make it as easy as possible for them. Silly as it sounds.

I worry for them, I love them very much. As they do me. I just want to protect them as much as possible.

I know with what is coming wit their health, they will ideally want to see me happy and settled in life. To see that illusion shattered will need to be for very clear reasons so it is easier for them.

They've had their issues over the years, but he is charming and has run them round in general.

OP, please stop worrying about your parents. They already know he’s an arsehole - they will have witnessed him being horrid in many occasions while his mask slips.

They can only advise from the sideline.

But don’t try and pretend they don’t know. They just need you to say it.

You are their daughter OP, why on earth would you lie?

You are due your second child.
Why would you tell them your marriage is over and you want him out unless things were very seriously wrong.

Ask them to trust that you are doing what is best for your children and yourself.

Be frank with your sister.
💐💐