DH and SC collection.

[Arghfudgeit]

Will start this by saying I love SC dearly. There is no hate there (despite some frustrations from time to time like I have with my dd!)

We have an 18 month DD. Usually by the time SC are here it times out so I've had time to put DD down to bed and settle her. On the rare time it has been earlier, DD has been hellspawn for getting to bed. Understandably she is excited to see her brother and sister and just then gets over tired and cranky and refuses bed.

Yesterday DH collected them slightly earlier than usual. I had asked on the first call to PLEASE take them for a bite to eat first so it gave me a window to put DD done and settle her.

Next thing I know I get a phone call - with them in the car saying they will be home soon. So i then had to say yet again, DH I need to settle dd. It's too close to bedtime and will be a nightmare. I hated doing this as I don't want SC to feel like I'm putting them off coming round- but I'm 21 weeks pregnant, exhausted, and quite honestly wanted DD down without any fuss as I was exhausted.

After a bit of to and through (no anger or anything but convincing) he finally agreed to hold off twenty minutes. Which was still tight and I had to rush DD through bedtime. Which caused her upset.

Which then resulted in waking up in the night (always a theme if bedtime is rushed) and then early this morning. All that i had to deal with.

DH excuse? "I'd had a long day at work and just wanted to get home"

Now in my eyes, that is bloody selfish.

Add that he then, as always is the way on a friday. Sprawled on the sofa and barely engaged with anyone at all.

This caused some words to be said out of earshot of SC. One of which on my part was along the lines of "if you aren't even going to engage with your kids, rush me to the detriment of DD, all while using being tired after work as an excuse and then leaving everything to me. Why the hell even bother with a friday? Cos it doesn't benefit SC and doesn't benefit me or DD being rushed and stressed like that. Nor me in general when I am left to be a nanny after I have dd down cos heaven forbid you engage with SC or do anything." His response was "next time I won't bother bringing you back any take out and you can cook for yourself" I responded "that would be fine if you're not home before bloody 7! Or if you are, a LOT earlier (around 4) so dd has time to be excited and then wind down"

Today he is now slightly put out I a) still have a bit of a mood on with him and b) chose to go out as I was still doing it all anyway. An offer I did extend to SC btw as well.

None of this is an SC problem. It is a DH one. But now I'm wondering if I've been a bit of a hormonal cow.

OP he’s not going to change. But you are making a LOT of excuses not to change either, and a lot of excuses for his behaviour even as you complain about it. So either continue to deal with everything and be afraid of change and complain about it online and show all the kids what a sort of shitty relationship they can expect as adults and also what a great person you are for putting up with it all and doing everything ...

Or don’t. What sort of life and relationship do you want for them when they’re adults? Seems it’s this.

I think yabu what are you going to do when you have a newborn to see to and a toddler. You need to be firm and not pander to her nm telling you're dh and sc to go out for abit they should be able to come back to their home. It sounds like you're telling you're dd rule the roost, nip it in the bud before the baby arrives. I see as a parent of 3.

It's bad enough the children are witnessing all this and now you're bringing another innocent child into the mix.

Tbh - maybe through my own anxieties but short term I don't really see what I can change. Not that doesn't affect dc/sc anyway.

I do agree that long term I really need to have a strong think. It wouldn't be such a daunting prospect if I didn't have to leave dd and soon to be ds with him too if that time came. Or if they were older and less danger monkeys as all toddlers are.

I will be leaving dd with him more in future though. And I will be taking a step back slowly in general to being his enabler.

As a perfect example as to why I feel unable to leave dd with DH especially with sc too.

I am prepping dinner for tonight. He is sorting sd for football. I look round and a candle has been lit with his cigarettes near the flame itself. And dd is walking around with a thermos full of hot chocolate with a loose lid. All cos he "thought" he had left it out of reach.

Fridays- he takes them for food. I then take over once he is home and he goes to bed

No, no, no! He co-parents, why the heck are you compromising to your detriment every time? You really are enabling him. He needs to step up and parent his own children. I get that you’re anxious, but if he’s always done this, then he hasn’t learnt

He made you run round at the park at 21 weeks pregnant?! Bloody hell, OP, start giving him responsibility, he is not one of the kids!

God he really is a wanker isn't he. Tbh op, I would never have had even one child with a smoker.

1. Could he change friday and saturday nights to saturday and sunday nights, and do a school run monday morning? He seems to have absolutely none of the responsibility of parenting atm.

1. You need to stop taking over. They are his dc and he needs to parent them. They dont want to see him on a friday because they know he is lazy.

I honestly don't mind doing an equal share over the weekend. Even with sc. Taking over so he sleeps and (if it worked) was actually of some use for the weekend I wouldn't mind. I don't mean bugger off, I mean I'll sort the evening out grudge work wise. He can sit and chat and then head to bed slightly earlier if he so wished. As long as in return I was offered the same rest the morning after.

The way I see it as although sc aren't mine, we are a family and ideally should all pitch in and work together. Rather an a "this is our kid so do your share here. They are your kids so I'll do nothing"

Park wise - he tried the moaning yes. But it didn't work as I did stick with my guns and explained I was focussing on my (wobbly for her age) five year old niece on a bike. So I wouldn't be running around after dd as well.

We seem to be very much at an impasse over what is expected of us all. I want fair and equal, allowing him rest from a labour type job. I also want a little bit of down time in return.

Whereas his view is "i work admittedly long hours. Your life is easy in comparison (cos he has never had to take the full load before) so therefore my need to rest trumps yours.

His want to rest does not trump his children's need for him to be an effective and present parent. His duty to his children did not end with the contribution of some sperm.

That's all his children. And he really ought to think about getting the snip, given how bloody useless he is at parenting the ones he's already had. (Bet you take responsibility for the contraceptive work too.)

That is always my argument if he brings up feeling tired. It doesn't mean parenting stops. As much as we all sometimes wish we could switch off because we are unwell or exhausted, it just can't happen with kids. You lose that aspect of freedom in your life. The only way that is ever a possibility is with a healthy co-parenting relationship where the other steps in as and when needed.

We have discussed the snip, have agreed that once ds is here that is exactly what will be happening and the process has already started in that regard.

Unfortunately you are married to a selfish git - selfish enough that his last marriage failed.

I would have suggested counselling so at least he has to.admit how shite he is before a third party. If you can't afford the fee, tell them. They normally do a sliding scale.

Your SC and their mum obviously realise you are a kind and competent person. Just step back and look after DD and yourself only, cos evidently no-one else is going to.

I couldn't step back from sc. Especially not with the current timing of pregnancy. Last thing I want is for them to ever feel like I got my own and then couldn't be bothered with them.

Cost wise I never knew they would do a sliding scale, when I mentioned a lack of funds they just kinda said "okay well let us know". I'll call relate first thing Monday.

It does seem to help when he os told from an outsider, although in those meetings he manages to come across very calm and composed while I end up being a bit of an emotional mess. Which makes me look a bit dramatic

He's an arsehole. Both DH and I come home tired from our jobs, neither of us rest until everyone is asleep. I'd love nothing more than to come straight home and relax but its not practical and not going to happen until everyone is a lot older. These are the choices you make when you have children.

Putting on his headphones is a total cop out,
Remove them,say he is not using them when children are present..
He could play a game/cards etc. It's not strenuous. He is 100% copping out of all interaction
Just No

Well I messed up massively.

I've said a million times over about not "falling back" into the sofa - it is super bouncy and with drinks involved in hand can easily cause it to fly everywhere.

SD fell back into the sofa - which in turn bounced the freshly made powdered mix coffee all over my chest and stomach.

Bloody hurt. In shock I shouted a "what the fuck!" Upset sd as it was a complete accident and I was quite in shock.

For me it was the final straw that broke the camels back. First time I had sat down after I had gotten out of bed.

No anger was aimed at them or anyone, just a panicked wtf.

I sat with SD afterwards and explained I wasn't mad at her, it was an accident but this is why I have rules for things like this and want them stuck to, as it would be far worse if that had happened to one of them.

We had a big cuddle and i yet again assured her i was just in shock from being burned and quite honestly very tired.

But I know I fucked up. I never want my SC upset and now I'm the one that upset sd.

I feel like the worlds worst stepmum when all I try to do is my best.

Now I'm wondering if I should message her mum first and let her know what has happened. Or as other friends have said (and I know to be true in general) that we all snap a little with our kids with things like that so it isn't that big of a deal despite obviously being wrong.

I don't want to make a further issue if there isn't one there to make. At the same time I just feel bloody terrible.

You shouted 'what the fuck!' - you didn't shout 'you fucking idiot!' or 'you useless shit' or anything like that! Plus you did the right thing by giving her a cuddle and reassurance afterwards. I've had similar occurrences with my own children and it's part of life. I wouldn't bother texting her mum tbh, it just blows it up into a bigger incident than necessary.

Ph god no - it was a pure wtf in shock, not aimed at all at her!
But I still remember instances from when I was little where I accidentally done something and got a similar reaction and how awful it made me feel when I already did.

I think tensions are just completely high and my anxiety is so spiked I'm worrying and over thinking it all.

Dh came back just as I was putting dd down (early night tonight as he knows due to a missed nap) . Due to our layout the "easiest" way in is through the bedroom dd is in. He came in that way and set her off massively as she was disturbed and then wanted to say hello.

Finally settled her to then ask DH if we could sit and talk and come up with a plan. Full on teenage "I'm not listening to you lalala" . I pointed out how not discussing things is what will end our marriage. Still refused. Then stated if I left I'm a selfish cow. Yay.

You are flogging a dead horse OP.
Can you see that yet?

Look op, he doesn't give a shit. Make a plan. Make sure it includes you being out next friday night from 7pm.

Also add a child free lunch with the ladies (even if just you in costa) on saturday.

Make him step up.

If you leave, you're a selfish cow?!

Um, yeah, nah mate, you're the selfish bastard who with your arrogant laziness is going to sound the death knell for yet another family's stability and security. Loser.

HELP

dh has punched himself in the head. I am refusing him exit through the bedroom as dd is in there. Asked him to leave other way and he won't.

He is being scarily calm and "diplomatic" in his talking. Threatening suicide if I make him leave. Talking to me like he has said nothing wrong. Or done anything wrong. That I'm unhinged for being scared of him.

Well cripes.

Has he been drinking or drugging? Because that seems a bit overdramatic!

If you are scared for your safety, or the children's safety, then surely you ring 999?

This is not right, Arghfudgeit. This is not okay.

Do you think he is honestly threatening suicide, or threatening it in an effort to get you to knuckle under?

Only two Coronas that I know of.

He has given me my phone saying if I call anyone he would explain xyz and the way he words it changes the whole tone of what actually happened.

He is so confident I won't and he is right, I can't. Cos I will just look unhinged.

He is now accusing me of having men ready and lined up to take his place and that is why ineamt to end things?!

He has threatened suicide in the past. But yes, I always caved. This time I haven't nor will I but yet he still won't leave

hand the toddler over to your DH if he continues to do that?

i would.

i completely see your point OP, but same time he cannot make the SC wait for the toddler to go to bed. But also its really hard getting them calm for bed, i know!

You absolutely need toget him engaged, or kick him into touch. It isnt fair on you at all.

Another childfree woman who takes up with a man whose got more baggage than Heathrow's T5, takes on his kids, sprogs off one time to realise he's a lazy, selfish, sexist cunt but then has another with him. All the more reason not to touch such a man because there's usually a very good reason why his first marriage failed.

You are flogging a dead horse but seem happy to continue doing so. You've got your two kids, what is the further point of him?