DH and SC collection.

[Arghfudgeit]

Will start this by saying I love SC dearly. There is no hate there (despite some frustrations from time to time like I have with my dd!)

We have an 18 month DD. Usually by the time SC are here it times out so I've had time to put DD down to bed and settle her. On the rare time it has been earlier, DD has been hellspawn for getting to bed. Understandably she is excited to see her brother and sister and just then gets over tired and cranky and refuses bed.

Yesterday DH collected them slightly earlier than usual. I had asked on the first call to PLEASE take them for a bite to eat first so it gave me a window to put DD done and settle her.

Next thing I know I get a phone call - with them in the car saying they will be home soon. So i then had to say yet again, DH I need to settle dd. It's too close to bedtime and will be a nightmare. I hated doing this as I don't want SC to feel like I'm putting them off coming round- but I'm 21 weeks pregnant, exhausted, and quite honestly wanted DD down without any fuss as I was exhausted.

After a bit of to and through (no anger or anything but convincing) he finally agreed to hold off twenty minutes. Which was still tight and I had to rush DD through bedtime. Which caused her upset.

Which then resulted in waking up in the night (always a theme if bedtime is rushed) and then early this morning. All that i had to deal with.

DH excuse? "I'd had a long day at work and just wanted to get home"

Now in my eyes, that is bloody selfish.

Add that he then, as always is the way on a friday. Sprawled on the sofa and barely engaged with anyone at all.

This caused some words to be said out of earshot of SC. One of which on my part was along the lines of "if you aren't even going to engage with your kids, rush me to the detriment of DD, all while using being tired after work as an excuse and then leaving everything to me. Why the hell even bother with a friday? Cos it doesn't benefit SC and doesn't benefit me or DD being rushed and stressed like that. Nor me in general when I am left to be a nanny after I have dd down cos heaven forbid you engage with SC or do anything." His response was "next time I won't bother bringing you back any take out and you can cook for yourself" I responded "that would be fine if you're not home before bloody 7! Or if you are, a LOT earlier (around 4) so dd has time to be excited and then wind down"

Today he is now slightly put out I a) still have a bit of a mood on with him and b) chose to go out as I was still doing it all anyway. An offer I did extend to SC btw as well.

None of this is an SC problem. It is a DH one. But now I'm wondering if I've been a bit of a hormonal cow.

OP, please call the police. You are in a great position of living next to your parents. Please call them, he has scared you, he doesn’t have to have hit for you to be scared.

Glad you've confided in your sister. Trust me, if your parents love you, they will want you to be happy above all else. Staying in this abusive marriage is not making you happy, and you are not safe. He has been violent and intimidating, emotionally abusive and manipulative.

Please get advice from WA, because you know what he is capable of when he doesn't get his own way. His behaviour is likely to escalate once you go nuclear and you need some safety strategies in place. You are more vulnerable than your parents right now, but you don't see it.

Speaking out was the best thing I ever did, it's hard but you need to think about telling them and laying it on the line. They are your parents and I would want to know if it was my daughter.

He sounds mentaly unhinged to me as well as not giving a damn about you or the kids. You pulled him up on his actions and he took the typical cowards way of trying to manipulate and gaslight you in a bullying fashion that he now denies.

So many people on here get what you're trying to put across, family will believe you as well. You come across as very practical and conscientious which he has taken advantage of.

I'm so glad you've made the decision that your life would be better without him. Reading the thread from the beginning, I was thinking what a horrible person he is, but it was sounded like you weren't prepared to consider a split. So pleased you've made that mental leap.

Very best of luck in finding a calm way to sort out the practicalities.

Your giving your child very preferential treatment. Your DC is not an only child, they have siblings. You can't shut the siblings out of the house or make them eat out so DC can have peaceful bedtime

@crystal1717 you might understand OP's point better if you read all her posts. You will soon realise that one of her most pressing reasons for giving DD a peaceful bedtime is so that her much-loved DSC's can also have a peaceful evening without being interrupted by a fractious toddler until 10pm.

I would strongly advise you to contact the SCs DM. I was going to suggest that before I read the messages about what happened last night. It seems as though all you were gaining from this relationship was a relationship with his children, for you and your DD. Without you to facilitate the relationship, I doubt he will continue to maintain a relationship with them, and I doubt he'll be that bothered about having your DC either. I would contact the SC DM to tell her that you are planning on leaving your husband but that you want to ensure that the siblings continue to have a relationship and you would like to still see the SC too as you care about them. You may find a friend in her and, you never know, you may be able to mutually help each other out with childcare to facilitate the relationship between siblings.

I hope talking to your sister is helpful tonight.

@mummmy2017 You do know that he can claim half the house if you inherit it

Do you have a link for that? Because inheritance is generally not a marital asset unless it is used to acquire a marital asset.

If inheritance is received before a divorce a judge can and will include it as a family asset. Any money after you split you get to ringfence, unless it is needed to house both parties equally.
I know because my best friend has just divorced and had to pay ex some of hers

Again, do you have a link because all the advice Ive read and known has said inheritance is only a marital asset if put into a marital asset, so selling the house and putting it on to your own mortgage or similar.

Thank you all so very much. I honestly can't put it into words.

I will be contacting scs mum. She needs to know the reality and i do have decent hope we will work something out regarding the siblings relationships.

For tonight though, I'm going to talk to my sister properly and then plan my next move. Then hopefully wind down a bit and get some sleep.

Tomorrow I will focus on exactly what to send their mum so she knows it is clear I care and am not out to cause problems.

One step at a time. For tonight I need to focus on myself and dd as that is the most pressing issue as we don't have SC this weekend, would be the one after.

Thank you all again.

I sometimes wish we could form a MN posse, saddle up, and ride on out!

@CalleighDoodle
It's to do with needs.
A judge gets to decide, the law changed about two years ago.
If you look most divorce firms state this on their front page.
If there is not enough assets from the marriage without the inheritance then a judge can now allocate inheritance even if it has not been used say for a mortgage, and kept separate.
They now try to leave both parties equal.
It if you split and then inherit, you can get it left out of the deal, 99% of the time.

the OP has said the house belongs to her parents. She is living in the Annexe, which her and DH borrowed money to build an extension on. The house and annexe still owned by parents. If I understand it correctly.

Anyway, none of that matters right now. The OP has a husband who punches himself in the head and calls HER unhinged! She needs to ensure she, unborn DC and her DD are safe from this madness first.

Fudge, I've fully caught up with the thread now & can see that your resolve has hardened. What concerns me most right now is your lack of belief in yourself - your belief that other people are going to believe DH's version of events. The fact that he taunted you with that after deliberately frightening you speaks of serious domestic abuse.

She said herself he is in the wrong and has seen stuff herself which made her question him.
Congratulations for speaking out to your sister.
Abuse thrives in secrecy - do not keep DH's secrets for him, especially not out of fear that he will twist anything you say to anyone else.
Don't forget that these are all people who know you. If randoms on the internet can recognise that you are kind, practical, supportive & loving, obviously your RL people know this too! - & as PP said above, you will be surprised how much people really suspect about your DH's character, no matter what charm he puts on or what spin he chooses to present about you.

First step made. Once I feel like at least someone will support me and understand I think the next will be easier.
First step of many, & well done again.
Your sister will help your parents understand your position, & your parents are going to want you to be safe & provided for.

Meanwhile, you have some homework to do.
Please contact Womens Aid asap. They will be an invaluable source of support & advice as you take the next steps. You need a record of DH's behaviour, maybe starting with these "kitten scratches" you kind of glossed over as if because he didn't throttle you, scratching is ok? Womens Aid will be able to guide you as you make a chronological account of how his behaviour has worsened, including the lack of domestic & parental engagement, the threats to make you out to be insane to shut you down, his suicide threat games & exactly how & why he has previously scared & is scaring you now.
Please make sure you do this OP, & call WA tomorrow?
It is absolutely classic that, once challenged, or told that they will be left, abusive men ramp up their abuse. You have already seen that with the suicide games. When that doesn't work for him, he will try something else. He's already openly gaslighting you ('I will make everyone believe you are insane') - don't worry, he won't be believed, but that stunt was pure coercive control, & you need to document it along with all the rest.

You then need help in finding a really good lawyer with experience of domestic abuse. You need to start thinking very coldly about how to protect yourself & your assets, & how to extract DH from your house with the least financial repercussions to yourself.

Last piece of homework - start educating yourself about 'the script' ALL "Angry & Controlling Men" use. You will be amazed at what you recognise in Lundy Bancroft's book, & he writes clearly & with tremendous advice for women dealing with abusive men.

Keep posting OP - many of us have seen all this before. You will be believed.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

'the script' can be seen & understood through Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds of ANgry & Controlling Men".
I urge you to read it OP - full of advice & tactics.

OP you need to chuck him out.

it isnt his house, or yours actually its your parents. change the locks and dont listen to his shit anymore

then deal with the rest with step children etc - you just need to stop thinking too far ahead and deal with the main things at themoment, which is getting rid of this dickhead out of the house

Thank you @mummmy2017 that’s very interesting.

Thank you all again.

I will read that link tomorrow.

DH tried engaging tonight once he realised his comfy little bed may not be so easily obtained.

Still refused to see any wrong doing purely because he didn't shout and hit himself. Then tried bringing up his childhood.

I refused all of this. Asked him if he truly felt he done nothing wrong then he can happily mention to his ex what happened, word for word. Then see where that got him. He could then stand up in court and dispute as to just why that was okay and why he should be continued to be allowed to see his kids.

Reminded him that any behaviour that he is too ashamed to admit to anyone over, least of all those he knows have control over his life (his job/ex with kids) . He needs to question.

He tried to make out he was talking to me calmly to ease worries last night. I asked him if that wad the case why leave me standing at a door terrified begging him to leave - while he sat and watched fucking thor. None of his behaviour screamed "caring concerned husband" .

If - hypothetically in this case. You fuck up and accidentally hurt someones feelings, and CARE that you have. You don't then ignore that, sit with your fucking feet up and happily watch tv then snooze off quite content.

And IF at the bare minimum you do pass out through just being oh so fucking tired. First thing in the morning you'd be doing your best to fix it.

Not only when your risk of a bed becomes an issue.

Selfish bastard.

And yet I'm the awful nasty one that clearly never loved him and will happily see him freeze (in a car. With family near enough. With money for a bnb if not) just because I put my foot down.

Nah. Sorry. Not falling for that one.

Hope you're OK op. Don't have much in way of any useful advice but stay strong. Don't let him sway you. Does your phone have a voice recording app? Some phones you can move it to the locked screen so you can activate it with one touch without having to unlock your phone? If you can keep it there so you can record his ranting.

Well done OP.
You are seeing him for the absolute waster he is.

He is a nasty, nasty piece of work.

You will never trust him again to be decent.

Because he isn't.

Do not back down.

Tell your parents the truth, with your sister for support.

Tell the police.

Change locks.

Bag up his stuff.

Do not allow him in again.

He is a danger to you and your child.

Keep focused on him not returning.

Have no shame.

People admire those who don't accept crappy behaviour.

You can do this.
You have this.

💐💐💐

The scales are dropping from your eyes, OP. That is good.

Please read the short book accompanying the Freedom Programme Living with the Dominator. It is eye opening and only costs a fiver. Maybe someone can post a link.

This man is a textbook abuser. Keep safe, because he will try more dangerous tactics to control you once he realises you are slipping away from his control. Hence my urge to you to contact WA for some advice. You have nothing to lose by calling, explaining what happened, and asking them for advice on your next steps.

Forget the lazy arsedness, that is not the main issue now. It is his coercive control, violence (even towards himself because that is a covert threat - if I can punch myself in the head, then I can punch you if you step out of line, just look what I'm prepared to do to put you in your place).

I don't think you should worry so much about your parents. They're vulnerable but so are you and so is your daughter. I really think you should tell them the truth and if you really can't I think there might be something amiss in that relationship too.

You can tell your parents, Its not because you get older that you are unable to comprehend, you can say gently
its just not working, he is using you as an unpaid employee
he has abdicated all responsibility for all his DC, leaving you looking after his 2, who as much as you love them & are happy to integrate with them, he has opted out
he has been verbally agressive, & physically threatening
he has made threats of dobbing them in for undeclared income (re bills by way of leverage not to move out.
He can be charming when it suits him, the problem is its a facade to con people.

Well done to standing up to him op.

How did the chat go with your sister and how are you and dd doing today?

Hey - chat with my sister went well. Will be calling womans aid tomorrow. I know my steps are slow, but I feel so overwhelmed atm that anything beyond little steps makes me too anxious to focus or cope on the smaller end of things.

DH has been working late as I knew he would be this week. So I have let him sleep on yhe sofa and lock myself and dd in my room.

It is all a game, he is trying to play the worlds kindest most brilliant husband... I know this is bullshit. But for me to get out, I need him to feel he is back in as such. As others have said, he will only get worse once evidence is in front of him completely it is over.

I couldn't handle the mental stress of that while trying to get myself straight. So as the mn saying goes - I've been getting my ducks in a row first.

I feel a lot more positive about the ability to be free again, dd is being her usual lovely self.

I must admit that last night once I realised the safest option long term was to let him in and locked away from us for the night - I did have a beer. I feel quite guilty for this and my anxiety has spread into now worrying I have done damage to my ds. But google seems to think one beer would do no harm, and I know it is just my anxiety creeping in in general.

Baby steps forward regardless. I stand by I or the kids will not be in this position for much longer.

I know my dad subscribes to a solicitor thing via which? Magazine, so in the next few days I'll be laying it all out to my parents and asking if I can use that number.