DH and SC collection.

[Arghfudgeit]

Will start this by saying I love SC dearly. There is no hate there (despite some frustrations from time to time like I have with my dd!)

We have an 18 month DD. Usually by the time SC are here it times out so I've had time to put DD down to bed and settle her. On the rare time it has been earlier, DD has been hellspawn for getting to bed. Understandably she is excited to see her brother and sister and just then gets over tired and cranky and refuses bed.

Yesterday DH collected them slightly earlier than usual. I had asked on the first call to PLEASE take them for a bite to eat first so it gave me a window to put DD done and settle her.

Next thing I know I get a phone call - with them in the car saying they will be home soon. So i then had to say yet again, DH I need to settle dd. It's too close to bedtime and will be a nightmare. I hated doing this as I don't want SC to feel like I'm putting them off coming round- but I'm 21 weeks pregnant, exhausted, and quite honestly wanted DD down without any fuss as I was exhausted.

After a bit of to and through (no anger or anything but convincing) he finally agreed to hold off twenty minutes. Which was still tight and I had to rush DD through bedtime. Which caused her upset.

Which then resulted in waking up in the night (always a theme if bedtime is rushed) and then early this morning. All that i had to deal with.

DH excuse? "I'd had a long day at work and just wanted to get home"

Now in my eyes, that is bloody selfish.

Add that he then, as always is the way on a friday. Sprawled on the sofa and barely engaged with anyone at all.

This caused some words to be said out of earshot of SC. One of which on my part was along the lines of "if you aren't even going to engage with your kids, rush me to the detriment of DD, all while using being tired after work as an excuse and then leaving everything to me. Why the hell even bother with a friday? Cos it doesn't benefit SC and doesn't benefit me or DD being rushed and stressed like that. Nor me in general when I am left to be a nanny after I have dd down cos heaven forbid you engage with SC or do anything." His response was "next time I won't bother bringing you back any take out and you can cook for yourself" I responded "that would be fine if you're not home before bloody 7! Or if you are, a LOT earlier (around 4) so dd has time to be excited and then wind down"

Today he is now slightly put out I a) still have a bit of a mood on with him and b) chose to go out as I was still doing it all anyway. An offer I did extend to SC btw as well.

None of this is an SC problem. It is a DH one. But now I'm wondering if I've been a bit of a hormonal cow.

Again - I have said that before. During a discussion over how hard dd was at the time mainly - it was agreed it was best for all involved so sc still not a nice friday evening.

Next weekend we had them rolled round and suddenly it was a redundant conversation.

Me and his ex have both said it is like hitting your head against a brick wall with him.

With the best will on the world on his part - the moment the reality means he may have extra work involved with his kids (or anything similar). Suddenly it seems like the worst idea ever.

What is sad is I know it would hurt him to lose his kids. If not deserved. I'm trying to balance everything so for their (primarily) and his sakes thay doesn't happen.

I try to make dd as little an impact on them in general bar the obvious. I am aware it must be hard for them to go from a relatively adult environment to suddenly a toddler legging it around.

Ideally - for them as well as others. A meal out on a friday with their dad and then a general junk food munch and catch up with me while DH got an early night, then I got a lay in the morning after would be nicer for everyone.

Dh is resent. Sc have fun. I'm not overly stressed with a grumpy dd. Dd isn't overtired and over stimulated.

All ready and fresh for the weekend.

Dh just refuses to see anything bar what suits. Then if I bring it up I get told "just don't do it then" but if I don't, they all miss out. And the only ones that suffers in that is the kids.

For example - his idea of fair if we are both tired is "both go to bed then" or he will "stay up" ie: fall asleep on the sofa. So if I went to bed - I know I am leaving them to basically sit alone watching tv while their dad snores.

Whereas a give and take concept works for everyone. Everyone wins.

But it wouldn't stick, cos a paper cut from ten years ago would make a new appearance and clearly be life threatening so "in this instsnce" the rules would need to change. Then the following morning and evening it would be something new.

Ie: end result is still me doing it all.

You are being extremely reasonable OP.
Unfortunately the current arrangement of you doing everything whilst your selfish lazy husband sits on his arse playing games suits him very well. Why would he change it?
Hard as it is, you need to stop doing everything. Leave him to look after the SC and hope he gets good at it/ likes it. Go and rest elsewhere on a Friday so he has to do it and stop feeling guilty. Say you feel ill or something until he gets used to it/in a routine.
Make sure he gets up in the night with your toddler and baby to come. My husband and I always split it, even when I was on maternity.
People only get away with what you let them get away with. Can't believe you allow him to say he's too tired and then you get up. Just refuse to get up- tell him you're just as tired! They are his kids!!

I think I will write up a plan of action so everyone gets the most out of the weekend. Discuss it with him, let him make alterations where fit.

Then (purely cos I know he would play dumb otherwise) both sign it as proof we both agreed.

Then see what happens from there on out. Even though I'm pretty sure what that will be.

Fridays- he takes them for food. I then take over once he is home and he goes to bed.

Saturday mornings I lay in, he gets up with dd and kids.

Saturday we both stay up for family game time.

Sunday mornings we both get up and cook a fried breakfast for us all.

Something like that?

Cross Post.
You are enabling him to be a shit dad.
He does nothing because you pick up the slack. Stop.

Another cross post.
Yep, lay it out on the line- see what happens.
However think you're going to have yo be prepared to walk away, as he sounds like it's all gone too far/he's too entrenched in his lazy sexist attitude

Obviously on the sundays we don't have SC that would be his lay in time. I'm just trying to make it so they have dad time and family time too.

You would think being raised single handedly by your father would make you less sexist in regards to "roles" in the home.

If anything he feels his father was so wronged, therefore it is awful to think he would be expected to do anything close

This situation will not change unless you either 1) accept your husband sees you as the maid/designated parent to ALL four kids and he's a part-time part-time parent and will only parent at minimum effort or 2) Adjust to being a single parent to your toddler and baby to be which you already are anyway. Why did his previous marriage breakdown? He was a shit partner/parent until he got the boot?

Pretty much yes. He denies it to an extent but admits he played a part in their demise. And on discussions with his ex too much rings too close to home not to be true.

Doesn't help that due to how his family is - the bar is so low he is an incredible dad in comparison so gets praise galore.

So it feeds into his "women out to be difficult" mind set. Which gives him an easy out rather than really look inward.

A few times it has hit home harder, when dsd has said things to him or me/her mum which have hurt him. He will then buck his ideas up, expect a change in all overnight cos he chose to - then once that naturally doesn't happen he uses that as a reason to give up further.

Actions speak louder than words

The next Friday he’s early, hand the toddler over to him and say Just of to Debs for coffee, see you in an hour’ and leave

Let him deal with it. Let him understand the reality of what you are dealing with.

I can’t understand how so few people don’t remember the relief of a toddler being in bed asleep so you can switch off and relax yourself.

I can sympathise with him - if he was tired maybe he just wanted to get his DC home. Why does he have to take them for something to eat just to.suit you? I know it's annoying if DD if high and won't go to bed. Probably best if you reach some kind of compromise. Could DD go to bed a bit earlier?

His kids are not your responsibility.

Maybe he should just pick them up on a Sat am.

Probably best if you reach some kind of compromise. Could DD go to bed a bit earlier?

She only had 20 mins warning to feed change and settle the child.

Next time he comes in through the door with the SC on a Friday night grab your keys, coat and bag and say "you put DD to bed, I'm off to the library/pub/shopping mall" and go and leave him to handle it all.

He’s a selfish twat.

I agree that the very least you need to do here is hand DD to him & go out. Every Single Time

I understand why you don’t want to leave him, but given you get on with the SC’s Mum I’d leave him & maintain contact through her & lazy shit Dad wouldn’t be having our kids until he took me to court - and I’d wager he’s too lazy to do that.

You can’t hold yourself hostage in a relationship to try to build a relationship between him and his older children,you just can’t. Their own mother didn’t, you don’t have to sacrifice yourself

you know hes not going to change.... hes the same as he was with his ex wife
so the only one here that can change is you.....
*make some ground rules and enforce them with your manchild
or
*tell him to get his ass out and do it alone ( which i imagine will actually be less stressful )
or
*keep on the way it is right now
pick one and go with it

Have you thought about relationship counselling so an objective third party can help him to understand the reasons for and impact of his behaviour? For you to consider why you have accepted this for so long? And for better communication between you.

If it's every other weekend; once a fortnight he could work through lunch and leave work to collect his DC from school.

Suggest that to him and then the whole family can have a more relaxed evening.

Leaving dd for the evening to show him how difficult it can be wouldn't be an option I would feel comfortable with. Not with sc here too as he would be too flustered - dd would be too hyper and that could very easily result in her hurting herself badly (think no eyes on her as she is half dangling over the sofa. Or picking up things she shouldn't as he had forgotten to put them where they should be) . That said - I do think I will start leaving dd to him more on weekends we don't have SC. Slowly build him to the reality of a toddler and her needs, nd what happens to a lesser extent if he isn't on the ball.

I think he envisions my days with her as sprawled on the sofa - reading stories and just chilling out.

I know when he does bedtime during a weekday here and there, if she is wiggling all over the bed it's a case of "cot" rather than "calm" and you can hear him fluster. This is after ten minutes of being alone with an unruly toddler. We took her for a walk the other weekend together and afree two minutes if chasing her round the park he was all over the place and panicking asking me to do the running.

I think the build up of dd time alone on time without sc, so she is safe enough and he still gets the experience will be the way forward for the short term.

Along with set rules long term. If he actually has her alone he may appreciate more why half hour difference which results in hours of stress really makes that much of a difference.

Dd already goes to bed earlier than usual on the fridays we have sc. I usually plan it so it is purely down time from half five. I wouldn't have minded moving this further forward for one night if I had just been given a bit more warning. Warning he could have given it he had bothered calling that bit earlier.

We have been to counselling before, it was helpful but also expensive. If I remember correctly around 65 per session. Something which we just can't afford now.

I woke this morning from the nicest of dreams about me and dd in our own little place and quite honestly- I cried when I woke up.

This isn't how I want my life. I don't want to feel so used. I just also don't want to leave unless I really have to, cos despite being a super lazy and selfish dad - he can be very good. And apart from the parenting (which I admit is a major issue) things can be lovely too. And I don't want to end up having to pass my dd over for the weekend to someone I don't trust to leave alone longer than an hour or two.

Maybe as I said - a plan of action for the future which benefits everyone like I suggested up thread. More leaving him to get on with dd during other quieter times so he has a clearer view on it all. Then hope things improve. If not I will have to reassess reality and see where I stand legally in regards to access.

Due to the nature of his job he wouldn't be able to do that. He is on the road all day and gets no set lunch.

I have suggested before about working later one night eow to finish earlier on the friday so we could do a similar thing. But that isn't possible either.

You really can't say 'apart from the parenting it's all fine' because a) it isn't. He's utterly selfish, lazy and has no respect for you and b) parenting is a pretty massive slice of your life so if he's shit at it and unwilling to change that isn't just a small side issue, an annoying habit but a full blown, impacting daily problem.
It seems to me you have to address this strongly, directly and be prepared to carry out the consequences and separate if he doesn't step up. Single parenting is not necessarily as hard as parenting alongside an uninvolved parent who actually makes things harder. Realistically if you split up the SC would likely drop away from your life over time and his relationship with then is not your job to facilitate. Your own children he can visit with at your place it get himself sorted.. If he works all these hours he exhausted he presumably earns enough to get a place to live eventually and then it's up to him to step up or not but that will be his choice.

OP, you sound both reasonable and kind.

He sounds lazy, selfish and a really crappy father.

All this is unlikely to change.

His ex kicked him to touch and is better for it no doubt.

You want him to change.

That's not going to happen.

He likes you doing everything.

Of course he does. He's selfish.

There is no advice on here that can help you because you want him to change, and he's not going to do that.

Most likely what will happen is you will struggle on for a couple more years, totally frustrated and end up disliking him and wanting the marriage to end.

In my opinion if I were you I would cut to the chase and ask him to move out.

He's a shit partner and a shit father. His children can already see that.

Your best hope is that the shock of you wanting him out of your house may give him the shake he needs or you just get him out and make a better future without his laziness dragging you down.

Lazy men just get lazier when they have children.
I have yet to hear of a really lazy man morphing into a great husband and father.

Wishing you well OP.
I feel for you.💐

I think you are on a long hiding to nothing
Your H is a parasite.
I cannot believe you were mopping the floor straight home with a baby.
He doesn't care for any of his children, & soon there will be another.
You can try making rules, but he didn't make an effort with his XW & DC, he won't for you either

Oh I meant the whole apart from parenting aspect as quite a dry observation. Obviously it is a huge part of our life! When that falls to shit - everything else does.

He doesn't earn bad money at all - but with outgoings (debt mainly in relation to out extension I admit) his money is very limited.

I decided to have a coffee in bed this morning. Heard him faff to no end cos dd tipped her weetabix all over the floor and toys he hadn't cleaned up. Cat had grabbed the scs cereal because he forgot to let her out first.

Dd then was running around with scs headphones cos yet again, no one thought to pick them up.

All things I do. He then came in and asked why I was keeping myself to myself. I explained I was just a bit emotional and needed a bit if time to get my head together. That all he was doing was what I done always, and a very basic thing at that.

He pointed out I never usually hide away. I pointed out getting the grump cos he was left to do the bare basics is hardly helping his case. Apparently he isn't in a grump... face says differently