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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overheard comments about weight.

223 replies

Ao92 · 18/01/2020 12:45

Hi everyone, I’ll keep this brief as I’m still in the moment and looking for quick opinions. A very long story short I suffer badly with anxiety and depression, no sob stories but I have barely left the house in 12 years. I bought a dog 6 months ago and when I did I vowed to him every single that I’d him. Up until now that has always been in places where other people don’t really go. Or at night in the dark. Until today. Now another important thing to note is that I’m very overweight, mainly due to no exercise and comfort eating but also because of side effects of medication (which I’ve now been weaned off so have actually lost a stone in a month woo). So today I decided to sod it, I’m taking him to the beach. It’s Saturday, the sun is shining and I underestimated how busy it’d be. But anyway, did the walk and was fine and lived. I was just about to get back into the car when I heard somebody say “Jesus Christ she’s huge”, I turned around and a family of 3, with a daughter around aged about 20, then continued to say “you wouldn’t let yourself go that far would you”. They all laughed and continued walking but the daughter turned around and saw that I had heard and then laughed again and whispered something to her mum. This happened about half an hour ago. I was in too much shock, and crying, to say anything so I began to drive home but pulled in and decided to write them a note just stating that kindness cost nothing and you don’t know the damage your words can do. I’ve driven back to the beach and their car is still here. Should I put the note on the windscreen or not? Thank you.

OP posts:
Tombliwho · 18/01/2020 14:11

Oh OP that is horrible Sad I once had some young lads speed past in a car and shout "fat bitch"
I was chubby but also heavily pregnant so feeling a bit vulnerable anyway. It was soul destroying.
Just know it doesn't define you and says much more about the type of people that are. Normal, well adjusted people with good self esteem don't do that to others.

roiseandjim · 18/01/2020 14:11

I'd leave the note then walk past and accidentally scape the side of the car. Absolute dickheads what nasty nasty people. Hope you're okay OP zzz

bakedbeanzontoast · 18/01/2020 14:12

That's fucking horrible. I despair of people I really do.

I'd be tempted to do far worse than leave a note but wouldn't stoop to their level.

Readordead · 18/01/2020 14:15

Don’t leave a note. People like this won’t feel bad about upsetting you so a note won’t make a difference.
You should be proud of yourself for getting out and about and doing something. Don’t give them the power to make you feel like shit.

Dolallytats · 18/01/2020 14:15

Just wanted to let you know you're not on your own. I too have huge anxiety issues (severe agoraphobia for the last 15years), and over those years have piled on weight. I am currently nearly 19 st and am only 5'2, so actually look like a ball.
I also got a dog 3 years ago, but despite promising her that I would take her out every day, my husband has to do it most of the time.
However, she adores me, as I do her. She doesn't care what I look like, she just wants to snuggle with me and lick my face!!
I am in awe that you got out with your dog. You have actually inspired me to try and do the same today. I don't live anywhere near the sea so it will just a walk round the block, but i'm going to try!!
Ignore these ridiculous people You are doing an amazing job. Keep it up. You CAN do it!!

Knowivedonewrong · 18/01/2020 14:17

I'd leave the note, but say "I can lose weight, but you'll all still be a bunch of c**ts"

CassidyStone · 18/01/2020 14:19

Those people aren't worthy of your upset, they are malicious and spiteful. the 20yo may end up with weight issues herself as she gets older and life throws different things at her.

You are doing really well, don't let anyone stop you taking your dog to the beach. Beach therapy is the best therapy. Headphones and music next time, and don't take any notice of people who lack compassion. There are far more nice people than nasty ones on the planet - it's the nasty ones we remember though, sadly.

Sally872 · 18/01/2020 14:22

You are out and about when it is a challenge for you. Well done! Enjoy the fresh air and the endorphins from the exercise and your lovely dog enjoying itself.

Pity the people who notice let alone comment on anyone else's appearance in a negative way. Their attitude is awful and it must be pretty miserable life criticising others.

Onwards and upwards for you. Forget the idiots. And if you want to leave a note go for it. Might be the hint they need to change.

RhodaCamel · 18/01/2020 14:23

I would leave the note, hopefully if they have any ounce of compassion in them they will realise what complete arseholes they are. Keep going and don’t give up on the dog walking. I got a dog 7 years ago to help with my anxiety and depression and it’s the best thing I have done, I adore him and he loves me unconditionally. Dogs are better than many human beings imo!

messolini9 · 18/01/2020 14:23

Ao92, I hope you won't find me intrusive or patronising if I say that I'm a little bit awe-struck by your post?

You have struggled with a debilitating illness for 12 years, taken positive steps to change your situation, found a new & trusty friend (the dog, hurrah!) who you have made & are keeping a promise to, are managing to walk every day despite having been virtually agoraphobic for so many years, have lost a stone in a month, & today achieved the major step of braving public life at the beach.

These are all achievements to be proud of.
On top of that, I suspect you have done all this on your own? - as you do not mention support from partner or family. Have you any notion of how far you have come & how proud you should be of your progress?

I wish I had been dogwalking with you at the beach today. I could have told that family to shut up unless they fancied finding out what a fat lip felt like. That they needed to check themselves, 'cos their ignorance & spite was showing. (It's always easier to do stuff like this for a pal rather than for ourselves isn't it!?)
Yes, of course you should leave your note.

That family is unlikely to have the emotional intelligence or generosity of spirit to assess their own wrongdoing & change their behaviours, but I think the act of sticking up for yourself in this small way will do you good.

I suspect that because you heard these bloody rude & stupid remarks on today - of all days, the day you brave the world after 12 years - that the impact on you is higher than it needs to be. Please, don't allow that to give you any justification for scurrying back home to hide behind closed doors again. The more you walk, the fitter & happier you will become as you & your dog keep your daily promises to each other.

Oh! - didn't you know that the dog made a promise too?
The dog promised to remind you to keep walking every day, & to do as much as s/he can to keep your spirits high & your mental health managed. You focus on that dog, & getting out & about, & looking at how much s/he loves you no matter what bloody stupid cruel human idiots make noises with their mouth that upset the dog's owner.
Because that's all it is - noise from someone's mouth.
It is meaningless. They know nothing about you, your history, the medication that contributed to weight gain, the struggles you have endured & are overcoming ... these people mean jackshit to you. They are less than dogshit on your shoe. Leave your note, then wipe them out of your mind like you would wipe the shit off your shoe.

I can guarantee you that if we had met on the beach today during that encounter, I'd have felt nothing but disdain for that family, & reckoned that you would be far the more interesting party to talk to.

One dogwalk step at a time OP.
You could even keep a journal or photo record of the walks & new adventures you & dog are having together. A positive reminder of how well you are doing, & a fun way to remember how far you have come.

Congratulations on your continuing recovery Ao Flowers

Cordylina · 18/01/2020 14:24

People can be vile.

I wouldn’t leave the note. It won’t change their behaviour. I would leave food on their car bonnet in the hope that seagulls would shit all over their windscreen but you’re obviously a much nicer, more mature person than me.

How was your dog? Did they like the beach?

Bettyhatesavocados · 18/01/2020 14:24

I'd rather be overweight than a callous bitch, OP. Please don't let this experience put you off going out with your little dog and enjoying your walks, whether at the beach, the park or on your street.
You sounds like a lovely person and, if you want to, you can lose weight, whereas that vile girl will probably always be just that - vile!
Congrats too on your current weight loss Smile

SauvignonBlanche · 18/01/2020 14:25

What vile people! Angry
Leave the note and a present from your dog. Wink

Inherdefence · 18/01/2020 14:27

You sound incredible OP. If leaving the note makes you feel better - DO IT! And don’t let those ignorant, unkind people spoil your day or put you off your track.

Bettyhatesavocados · 18/01/2020 14:27

messolini9
That is one of the best, most insightful posts I've ever read on this site. I hope it helps the OP who sounds like a lovely person (with a lovely dog!)

BigChocFrenzy · 18/01/2020 14:29

What a horrible family

I'm so sorry, OP 💐
You have achieved some amazing things; all they have achieved is to make someone miserable.

Move on and don't let the bastards get you down

LolaDarkdestroyer · 18/01/2020 14:31

Do you tho I they meant you to hear though?...as sadly that's how a lot of people behave cant say I would care about a stranger though overweight or not. Are you actually very very big? I wouldn't Leave a note fuck them, but harsh as it sounds it could be the kick you need. Did someone else used to walk your dog then? You do it from now on and zone out from every fucker else once you are in the mind set to lose weight it will fall off.

isittooearlyforgin · 18/01/2020 14:35

@messolini9 what a lovely message. Op, anyone who shames someone else for their weight is a twat. You are doing amazingly!

Bluesheep8 · 18/01/2020 14:38

Do leave the note. They will probably be horrified and mortified and rightfully so!

They probably won't be. They are obviously too stupid to be capable of working out that actions and words have consequences and affect people's feelings and their daughter has inherited that stupidity and ignorance. People like this are just demonstrating that they have weaknesses and insecurities of their own, but they're neither clever enough nor self aware enough to identify, admit and deal with them. Someone as strong, determined and self aware as you should feel a little passing pity for such unfortunate individuals op.

doxxed · 18/01/2020 14:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

PositiveVibez · 18/01/2020 14:40

What a horrible family.

Vile bunch of bastards.

Take no notice OP. Good on you for getting out and about and losing a stone. That's no mean feat!

Don't let them put you off going out again.

People like that usually have shit, shallow lives themselves and that's why they pick on people. It's to validate themselves Flowers

Wereallsquare · 18/01/2020 14:45

I am sorry that you heard those cruel comments, OP. They are a miserable family. Happy people are genuinely too busy with their joy to dream of directing nasty comments at strangers. I have been in the receiving end of that shit as a member of a minority community in some shape or form for my entire life. What has brought me comfort is the knowledge that while I might be the target of their meanness at that point in time, their meanness has nothing to do with me. It really is part of them and their misery. So continue to take steps outdoors and leave them to destroy each other as a family. Because believe me, they will.

Enjoy your walks, enjoy your companion. Kudos to you on all the improvements your are making in your life. Thanks

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2020 14:46

Nasty people don't give a fuck. No amount of notes is going to change that. Because they are nasty. That's it. They will laugh at the note, tell their mates, and then if they see the op next time escalate it.

It would be wonderful if all that was required to make arseholes stop being arseholes was someone saying how hurt they were.

But I can categorically assure you it doesn't make them stop being arseholes. It makes them even bigger ones, it feeds them. They will love it.

These are inherently unpleasant people. Pointing out the error of their ways isn't going to change that, the op showing she feels hurt and victimised isn't going to make them play nice. They will just hurl abuse at her next time.

user1471464702 · 18/01/2020 14:47

Ignore ignorant people - you’re doing brilliantly keep on going on - from one curvy lady to another

messolini9 · 18/01/2020 14:49

@Bettyhatesavocados @isittooearlyforgin thank you Blush
I meant every word, OP is awesome & that family has to live with itself for the rest of its life - ugh, punishment enough!

Someone as strong, determined and self aware as you should feel a little passing pity for such unfortunate individuals op.
@bluesheep8 is spot-on
... & one of the other great benefits of dogwalking is - today's unfortunate exception notwithstanding - meeting other nice dogwalkers or dog fans & becoming chums with them.

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