Hi, sorry this is so long but I don't want to drip feed.
My dd and her friend, both 14 years olds, go to a club every Friday after school. My dd decided to attend this club and after about 6 weeks her friend wanted to try it out, but because her mum doesn't drive, and because it's quite far away, (about 1hr 30min walking through some not great areas) the only way she can really attend is if I drive her.
I was happy to do this as I'm taking my dd anyway, they're friends and it's a nice thing to do and so I have been doing this for almost 2 years now.
I am friends with the mum too, although we don't see that much of each other anymore as she changed jobs a year ago, and now works much longer hours.
Unfortunately, Friday has become a really busy day for me over the last year, as although I'm a sahm, I have many commitments on my time, and Friday is one that is fixed, and I can't get out of, so I'm generally not home until 5pm.
Club is 18-25 mins away by car due to traffic at that time, and club starts at 6.30pm and goes on until 8pm.
We would need to leave from my house at 6pm in order to allow enough time for the traffic jams we usually encounter.
They live about 1.5 mile away by car, but in the opposite driving direction to the club.
Walking distance is much less though as there is a short cut they can use, which would take them less than 10 minutes, and even the long way around (0.8 miles) would only take them 15 minutes according to Google.
Due to traffic at that time it's a 15 minute detour to pick them up from their house, so this means I have to leave my house at 5.45pm at the latest in order to have enough time to drive to the club.
I'm finding it increasingly stressful to get dinner, etc, sorted within the 30-40 minute time frame this realistically leaves me.
As a consequence, I'm often running a bit late leaving my house, so I may be a maximum of 10 minutes late picking them up, which leaves me even more stressed and rushing to get to the club on time, as I prefer to be there 5 minutes early.
For example, two weeks ago I picked them up (mum came that week) 10 minutes late and parked up at the club dead on 6pm, which realistically meant they were 2-3 minutes late for it by the time they entered the hall.
Over the last 2 years they've only been actually late to class a maximum of 4 times (twice in the last 12 months), but the stress I'm feeling rushing around, or cutting my stuff short in order to not be late for them is really getting to me.
I would say I'm late picking her/them up probably 4 out of every 6 times.
This varies from being a minute late picking them up to a maximum of 10 minutes late and probably averages 4 minutes, and although this only rarely results in them being late for the actual club, it stresses me out nevertheless.
If I'm not outside their house by 5.45pm, I immediately start getting texts asking where I am, which I obviously can't answer as I'm driving, and anyway stopping to reply would just make me even later! Hearing the texts pinging also stresses me out even more.
Seven or eight times over the summer, she walked up to us for short before 6pm, so that we could leave my house at 6pm and I found that so much less stressful.
I know it doesn't sound like much but that extra 15 minutes made all the difference for me. I was much less stressed and we always got there 5 minutes early every time.
Since the weather has got colder and darker, I've been picking her up from her house, and it's just not working for me, and I feel really guilty when I'm picking them up late, so I thought I'd take a leaf out of the MNer book and let them know I was having a problem. I really didn't expect there to be an issue.
In the spirit of this, I sent the mum a text yesterday afternoon and asked her to get her dd to walk up to ours for 5pm on Friday (thinking about when it gets dark), instead of me driving to get her for 5.45pm.
My dd got a text back from the dd almost immediately saying: it's fine they'd rather wait for me to pick them up as it gives them more time at home, and that they'd see me then (turns out mum is coming along too).
I then texted the mum back again saying that that didn't suit me, being late is stressing me out and I'd rather she/they walked here as I also need that extra time myself.
Mum texted me again and said she's coming on Friday too so we can catch up, but that she really doesn't want to walk to me as it is 'miserable weather' outside now, and she prefers to leave home as late as possible.
I texted back and said they didn't need to be here until 6pm then, but that I would like them to come to me in future, as it makes my life easier.
I had no reply to that text, which I sent around 8pm yesterday, until this morning when I had a text saying: 'it's not on, it's really cold and wet now and it will be dark, I'm driving anyway so it makes no difference to me, and is much easier for me, but will put them out, and so I should just pick them up as usual'.
I really don't want to fall out with the mum or cause issues for my dd, as the dd can be quite moody, but I'm pretty hurt that the mum can't see it from my point of view, especially considering I've never before asked for anything in return.
I know the mum works really long hours, and I know she worries about her dd walking in the dark, (even though she's allowed to go out in the dark at other times), but at the end of the day I'm doing them both a favour, and I've never asked for any contribution or anything in return (& wouldn't as I'm going there anyway). Even when the mum comes we take it in turns to buy a coffee, and I wouldn't expect her to pay for mine anyway (that's not why I'm helping them out).
I'm doing it because they're/we're friends, it helps them and is a nice thing to do plus we're going there anyway.
I also always drop them off at their house; I just wanted that bit of breathing space before the club.
AIBU to have asked them to come to me, and how do I handle it now?
I know what I want to say, which isn't printable, but I don't want to say something I'll later regret, and I really don't want to fall out over this, but I also don't want to be a doormat (my New Year's resolution is to be less of a people pleaser).
I've always been a people pleaser and hate saying no, so now I'm wondering if it was petty of me to expect them to come to me.