Mumsnet threads you know the answer to before you even open them

[daddyorchipsdaddyorchips]

You know, the ones that ask a question on the thread and you know full well the answer before you've even clicked through.

Should I leave him? - Yes. Run for the fucking hills

DH says this is all in my head, is it? - No. He's a cunt

Is this normal in a relationship? - No, definitely not. And don't let him make you think it is either

Should I text him or leave it? Leave it. But we know you won't. Come back again tomorrow when he's ignored you again

Should we separate? Without a doubt

Are these red flags? North Korea, mate.

What are yours?

[NameChangeNugget]

Oh, not you again

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

OP: anything about dress sizes.

• We've lost sight of what a normal weight is.
  
• Marilyn Monroe was a size 16
  
• No she wasn't!
  

Rinse and repeat until the heat death of the universe.

[needanewnamechange]

I have 1 glass of wine a year I want to cut down.
Omg you have a drink problem I have 1 sip of wine a decade .

[LolaSmiles]

OP: anything about dress sizes
Can I add:

• BMI is false and a rubbish measure of healthy weight. I've got a BMI of 27 and people comment on how I don't look overweight.
  
• shops that cater for a slimmer build are promoting eating disorders
  
• fat shaming
  
• it's not as simple as calories in calories out (as if everyone carrying extra weight has a medical issue)
  
• how about you just buy what fits and accept shops cut and fit differently

[Junie70]

"DH is so lazy"........yes he's lazy but you knew that well before you chose to have 5 kids with him, most of whom have got SEN and you're exhausted

[drspouse]

• My child just seems to eat and eat and never gets full. I give them 6 sausages and a plate of mash and they still want more! They are quite overweight. Otherwise they are OK, doing well at school, and they go dancing once a week. Surely that's enough exercise?

Oh yes, that's plenty of exercise. They must have Prader Willi syndrome.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

- My child just seems to eat and eat and never gets full.

My child only inhales fruit. Asks for more broccoli every time and can't even look at a Chupa Chup without crying for me to make it go away.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

Oh, here's another LolaSmiles, but it isn't MN-specific.

• BMI is ridiculous. According to it, my six foot athletic husband is obese. He is so obviously not.

Every single time I've asked for more details, I have checked the bloke's vital stats on the NHS BMI calculator and the husband is smack in the middle of the healthy range or a bit lower. I have done this with posts on MN, on facebook, on myfitnesspal and so on. I don't know what is going on with these people, at all.

[KatharinaRosalie]

'I have been eating less and exercsing - had only half a box of chocolates and went for a 10 minute walk. Why haven't I lost any weight??'

• But muscle weighs more than fat!

[Besidesthepoint]

OP: I always spoil my child, the whole world needs to panders to it's needs and wants. He/she has never heard the word "no". He/she is now acting like a spoilt brat, what should I do?

MN: it must be autism.

[Besidesthepoint]

Diet thread:
What I ate today-
Some dust, a glas of water and an orange.

MN: there is too much sugar in an orange, you will become obese and your teeth will fall out!

[Besidesthepoint]

We can't afford another child without starving the other six but I want another one, what should I do?

MN: just go for it, it will all work out in the end.

[53rdWay]

“Am I drinking too much?” threads. Poster is always having either a thimbleful of sherry once a month or is necking three bottles of wine and a six pack per night. Either way, answers split 50/50 between “get help NOW OP or you’ll be dead by 50” and “pfft that’s nothing, I drink twice that and I’m fine.”

[Besidesthepoint]

Gutentag! I habe a question: bla bla bla

MN: you made spelling and grammar mistakes. God, can't you even spell something correctly? Standerds are slipping.

[Liriope]

"How much do you earn?"
"How old are you and how much pension have you got?"
"What's your mortgage?"

• Huge range of ages and figures that are meaningless to everyone including the OP
• Stealth boasts followed by 'well done to women who earn £££' and 'I wouldn't sacrifice time with my family for so much stress and £££'
• Arguments about not believing in pensions or ISAs

"How much do you spend on groceries/eating out/utilities/your pet/your teenager?"

• I spend £0.99 max per week for my family of 6
• We only shop at Waitrose and spend £££ per week for two
• One roast chicken feeds 16 adults for a month
• Why are you spending so much on Netflix?
• Having children is the most unenvironmental decision you can make

"Is the UK racist?"

• No absolutely not
• Heck yes
• Anecdotes of microaggressions and cultural inappropriation, followed by denials/rationalisations then a link to 'why I'm no longer talking to white people'
• I have mixed race children
• Meghan Markle

[drspouse]

"Is the UK racist?"
You forgot "of course it isn't, don't make this all about race".

[labazsisgoingmad]

should i let my relative stop with us?

no you dont like them they get on your nerves so grow a backbone and say no
instead out come the emotional blackmail replies like oh they are sooo old might never have a chance to let them stop again
shes your sister show some charity

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

What are the strangest/weirdest/most unusual names you've heard?

Thread goes full racist within 5 posts as names popular and not at all unusual in Black communities are always listed.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

What are the strangest/weirdest/most unusual names you've heard?

Someone will have posted that their sister taught someone called La-a pronounced Ladasha.

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

ALWAYS La-a

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

Given the volume of posts about the name, it's amazing it's not in the Top 10 Baby Names each year, isn't it.

[ViciousJackdaw]

'Oh shit, I'm pregnant and I really don't want a baby...'
'Congratulations!'

[NationMcKinley]

My leg has fallen off and I’m lying in a pool of blood. Should I go to A&E?

MN Jury: This is neither and accident nor an emergency. Do you know how overstretched the NHS is?

[TheMemoryLingers]

"AIBU not to invite this person to my Baby Shower/Gender Reveal Party/First Birthday cake smash party?"

BBC Breaking News - Reports have come in that the popular parenting website, Mumsnet, has just exploded. Founder Justine commented 'it was sadly unavoidable - the site melted in an outpouring of disgust. We're counting ourselves lucky that the entire internet didn't break.

[Olliephaunt4eyes]

"My husband has a female friend and I feel insecure"

50% of comments will declare it's an affair and LTB. 50% will say men and women can be just friends. This will be regardless of any further information such as "he actually only sees her once a year for a group trek with 10 others" or "she sends him naked pics daily".

One side will call the other "cool wives". No one will change their minds.