Mumsnet threads you know the answer to before you even open them

[daddyorchipsdaddyorchips]

You know, the ones that ask a question on the thread and you know full well the answer before you've even clicked through.

Should I leave him? - Yes. Run for the fucking hills

DH says this is all in my head, is it? - No. He's a cunt

Is this normal in a relationship? - No, definitely not. And don't let him make you think it is either

Should I text him or leave it? Leave it. But we know you won't. Come back again tomorrow when he's ignored you again

Should we separate? Without a doubt

Are these red flags? North Korea, mate.

What are yours?

My DP of two weeks has murdered all my kids. Is this a red flag?

Yes. Block him, call the police.

BUT I LOVE HIM

“Labradoodle or Cockerpoo?”

WW3 erupts
“But....allergies...”
More of the same but ALL IN CAPS

I know someone who is on benefits and has a partner staying over.

See also :

I know someone on benefits who has designer clothes.

I know someone who is on DLA but isn't even disabled (says who you? DLA doesn't exist for adults anymore, PIP is hellish to claim)

I know someone trying to claim DLA for their child and their child isn't even disabled.
(They won't be successful then will they, dickhead?)

I can hear my neighbours flush their toilet.
Should I report them?

"Do you ask people to take their shoes off in your house"

49% "Oooh, yes, because shoes are covered in germs and anyone who wears them indoors is filthy and despicable."

49% "Good gracious, no. Only ghastly common people who can't afford to replace their carpets do that. I deliberately tread mud into mine because I can afford to."

1% Spam post advertising wipe clean flooring.
1% Foot fetishist asking for more info about the dirty shoes.

AIBU to - Insert Totally Non U Thing - e.g. "be kind to puppies"
All MN YANBU you sound lovely OP

Except one poster who berates the OP for something bizarrely unrelated e.g Being kind to puppies directly leads to the deforestation of South America you tree murdering cow.

I'm 50; can I still wear:

Doc Martens/This skirt/This top/Eyeliner....

FFS. Don't be ridiculous. Act your age.
50! That's nowt but a child.

:)))) Every. Time.

"How old do I look in this photo?"

• 23
• 58
• 97
• 33.33333333333333333333333333

I earn 60K and struggling.

Is this still ok to eat? Of course it fucking is

Vegans rule

My DP of two weeks has murdered all my kids. Is this a red flag?

Yes. Block him, call the police.

BUT I LOVE HIM

Followed by the arrival of the thread police:

Don't listen to them, op, these posters are all just trying to wind you up for the drama. I have arrived to save you from their hysteria. Of course you don't need to do anything. What an overreaction!

Line eyes please.

Would the manufacturers please make it obvious eg. bright colours, klaxons etc.

Surely it cannot be that hard, it's not a frog and not worth it, if it is left to simple guesswork.

Thread 1
OP: A teacher gave my child isolation for only asking a question. AIBU to demand a meeting with the head?

75% of replies - It's unlikely to be as simple as one polite question means isolation. You probably only have one side of the story. Why don't you call to speak to the head of year for the full picture and take it from there.

25% posters - YANBU schools are so Draconian. Teachers think they are gods. They can't break human rights like that. Keep your child off school and contact the school saying your child will be off because they have failed in safeguarding your child by putting them in isolation. Then mention ofsted. That always gets things moving.

Thread 2:
OP: This situation has occured and my child is upset. AIBU to complain to the headteacher

75% replies - YANBU You're best speaking to the class teacher first and have a chat to see if it can be resolved. From there speak to head of year/head of department. They should deal with it but you should take it higher if you don't get far.

25% of posters - ignore people telling you to put up with the situation. Demand a meeting with the head to show you mean business. There's too much teacher worshipping on Mumsnet.

Women with just 20p to feed their kids for the rest of the month, who have no family or friends to help, just kids with fathers who don't help out either.

Baby names - help me decide - Tiggywinkle or Unicorn for a girl?

• Lots of Tiggywinkles in my DC's nursery class - too popular, OP.
• Have you thought of Balonz instead?

Can I leave my sleeping baby in the car whilst I go to the cash point/pay for petrol/go shopping/get my hair done?

No, you neglectful cow, anything could happen.

AIBU - random scenario, problem, moot point, possible scenarios considered.

1% MN - yes, no, do this, don’t do this, we are actually trying to help

99% MN - YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT THE MOOT POINT AND WE ARE ALL GOING TO ARGUE AMONGST OURSELVES OVER IT AND COMPLETELY DERAIL YOUR THREAD

Harry and Meghan latest blah blah blah

• Meghan's ace!
• It's all Meghan's fault
• I don't care what anyone says, the Queen does a brilliant job
• Abolish the monarchy
• Donald Trump
• Racism
• Daily Mail
• Brexit

Anything to do with the following your MN Bingo card will be completed within about 20 posts-

Reclining you airplane seat.
Finding cat poo in your garden.
Saving a table in a cafe.
Eating something in a supermarket before you have paid for it.

As for CF parking threads. With or without a diagram who cares?

These are my favourite threads

"Baby name, X, Y or Z?"

1. Are you insane? They are all chavvy and also you have spelt Y wrong. Xs, Ys and Zs all wear shellsuits from birth, shave their heads and end up in prison by the age of 14.

1. Only a fully fledged NAZI would object to any of these gorgeous names. Mumsnet is full of NAZIs. Go with the name you love! Have you considered hyphenating to Y-Z-X?

1. Massively over-used, your kid will be one of a dozen in their class all named the same thing.

1. Never heard of any of these. They are not real names. You can't just make names up. In the past kids had real names and that is why everything was much better.

1. You should be aware that X sounds a bit like "sex", Y actually means "large diseased seagull" in the Kofopa dialect of the Western Philippines, and Z is the name of a villain in an early silent movie. Good luck to your kid if you doom them to years of teasing by calling them those!

OP posts 'guess the gender of my baby' and a scan pic.
A mixture of boy, girl and IT'S SEX NOT GENDER responses follow without fail.

Anything with a SPAG error in the title will set people off.

'AIBU to think my DH should not of thrown a frying pan at me'

First reply

'It's should have-you're welcome'

'Should not have' even. I would make a rubbish patronising pedant. But you get the drift.