To ask if these are red flags??

[isthisokay7]

I was thinking of posting to relationships, but I'm pretty desperate RN.

I met a man October on a dating website. Trusted site where you have to pay and be an official type/business person.

I am a 42 year old mum of one 14 year old boy. Man is 53.

Many people have told me i look young for my age, around 34.
I'm honoured, but man looks his age (maybe older) think greying hair, beard etc.
Now, this is not my problem at all.
But dating him, I have noticed red flags that I wrote on a list on my phone, I will put the list here.

1. He has told me he is prone to depression/nervous breakdowns (have read that this is a red flag??)
2. Past smoking addiction.
3. His ex was 20 years younger than him.
4. He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking.
5. He is patronising in arguments.
6. Quite the 'mama's boy' type (fucking hate that phrase though makes me cringe) and asks her for advice for almost everything.

He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call.

But the problem is is that he is so nice, caring and sweet. Wants us to move. Wants the best for DS (who has severe ADHD and we are trying to get into a special school)
I was previously in a bed relationship and i'm recognizing a pattern in the types of people that I date.
I love him dearly but I have no idea if i'm being paranoid or not???

I'm terrified he will turn out to be an arsehole... WTF do I do???

Please be honest. Do you think he's right for me?

Thank you xx

Not to drip-feed but DS also seems to be wary of him. I don't know if it's ADHD or that gut-feeling but he's quiet when he's around etc :-(

1. is absolutely bonkers and more of a huge flashing red siren than a flag tbh. 5 and 6 are red flags too.

Meeting in October means you've introduced him to your DS far too early imo- but we all make mistakes.

1 isn't a red flag per se, but having been in a relationship with someone with depression, I know that it's so fucking hard. I'd be wary.
2 and 3 wouldn't bother me at all.

@KnickerbockerAndrew

Thank you. Could you tell me a bit about what's it like to be in a relationship with somebody with depressive tendencies?
He has had a panic attack near me once. Wasn't fun and if it will be like that 24/7 then I don't know if I could do it TBH.

Run for the hills and don't look back.
Block, delete his number and move on with your life.

Wants us to move

Why is this not top of the list next to trying to propose after a month?!

Run and then get yourself on the Freedom Programme course. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

No. I don't think he's right for you. But don't take that personally. 4,5 and 6 mean that there will be very few women he's right for. Ditch and move on.

Being with someone prone to depression is fucking awful. You'll be constantly on eggshells wondering if you're saying or doing the right thing. And in my case it was combined with him being an abusive arsehole, so massively crap.

And you have a lot of red flags, there. I'd be wanting to drop him.

You met him in October and he's already tried to propose and wants you to move. That would be a big no-no for me and I'd end it immediately. I also think he's met your DS far, far too soon. I'm sure there must be a more suitable match out there for you OP. Don't settle for just anything.

He is very nice now and so were my exes, but I'm wondering if he's the exception.
There are lots of red flags with him but also 'green' flags. He cooks for me, buys me necklaces, takes me places. It's all so muddled up and confusing.

5-6 - Run!

Depression etc I could cope with. It s an illness and can respond well to medication.
The rest is a worry, moving too fast, intrusive of your time and ds is wary.
Sometimes kids pick up on something "wrong" about someone before we do.
I don't like it. Too much too soon.

I’d personally be calling it quits, he sounds like a lot of hard work to be honest.

You say he is rushing things but you also claim to 'love him dearly' despite only meeting him 3 months ago. Not saying that it can't happen but it sounds as if you're both rushing a bit. Some of the things you mentioned wouldn't bother me at all but there are enough red flags there to personally put me off.

Thank you all.

I sometimes feel as if my standards are so low now that I will go for anybody who loves me. It's horrible.
I have my DS to look after too so I just feel i'll never be able to get back into dating, sex etc.

I'm wondering about gaslighting too??

We had an argument and he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. Next day got back with me and said it's normal for couples to argue. Yes, but like this???
I 'broke up' with him for a week or so and got constant apologizing messages, his mum telling me i've broken his heart!!
WTF

I also think you introduced him way too soon
You've only been dating 3 months

And you've already argued

I'd ditch and move on

I used to put up with arseholes, have now been with a lovely guy for 2 years, my dcs love him and we've only had 2 cross words in that time, no arguments

This is the wrong guy for you

I would of called it quits the moment he purposed. Some of it isn’t red flags like the smoking, but Jesus run for the hills on the rest of the points.

He cooks for me, buys me necklaces, takes me places. Your bar for what constitutes a green flag seems to be set exceptionally low. How long between this and your previous relationship?

Even the good stuff you mention sounds like love-bombing rather than anything else.

Meeting in October and him proposing in December would make me very uncomfortable, and so would trying to get you to move. He already sounds like he is trying to control how you spend your time. I don't think this is going anywhere good.

OP, you are concerned enough to make a note and ask on here. Red flag.

depression/nervous breakdowns - it would put me off
Past smoking addiction - he gave up, not a red flag
His ex was 20 years younger than him. - bit dodgy
He is trying to rush the relationship, actually tried to propose last month. I am not joking. - Lovebombing. Red flag.
He is patronising in arguments. - not great. You are arguing already. Not good.
'mama's boy' - yuk
He is constantly phoning me if he's not with me, like when i'm talking to DS and i will be interrupted with a phone call. Red flag.

so nice, caring and sweet. Wants us to move. Wants the best for DS - creepy. Red flag. Too involved too soon.

I love him dearly - you hardly know him

I'm terrified he will turn out to be an arsehole... He probably is one.

I'd cool it, or would run away as fast as I can.

His mum? Oh God OP run. You re in for a life of mummy trying to run your relationship.

You've made a list of red flags/issues. That in its self says he's not right for you. Don't settle for him

One side of him is intelligent, caring and perfect and the other side is babyish, pathetic and annoying.
Yet I want to stay with him??
He's the best person out of everybody i've dated. It's confusing.
we were discussing a person that i liked who was on the telly. The woman was in an abusive relationship and I talked to him about it. He said
'I admit that they didn't have the best relationship, but they were perfect for each other. Have you seen HIS work? just as good as hers'

I've been thinking about that too. I think that's a red flag?? IDK

Alarm bells are ringing for me, OP.

This man aside, you seem to be stuck in a less than confident place about what is healthy. I would strongly recommend that you hold off the OLD for a short while and look at something like the Freedom Programme. It will give you more confidence about going into a healthy new relationship. And, as others have said, don't introduce anyone new to your son so quickly.

Run, run, run. Do not change your life or your boundaries for him.

Messages from his mum

Run